CRACKED ROUND-UP: Gaping Face Wound Edition

Alright, adding a spiked whip to the break room was a mistake. On the plus side? Tim was an organ donor.


Soren showed Gynneth Paltrow some well-needed love as the only other person gorgeous enough to understand the downside of inspiring jealousy. After that, Bucholz brought us 50 cent the spam-bot while Brockway spent so much time in the thrift store he lost his mind entirely. Seanbaby dreamed up the ideal concept airline and Cody designed a cartoon that appeals to literally every audience. Dan O'Brien ended the week with products only people in movies seem to use.



SWEET ETERNITY
5 Ways Science Could Make Us Immortal

Finally, there's hope that all the people we hate might live forever.

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Notable Comment:

"The little plastic thingy at the end of your shoelace is called an "aglet". The more you know!"

Thanks for destroying our once-blessed innocence, anagraham.



DIRECTOR FOLLIES
6 Famous Movies With Mind-Blowing Hidden Meanings

After reading that Spiderman entry, every James Cameron interview feels a little bit seedier.



Notable Comment:"WHAT THE F*CK CRACKED. HONESTLY DESTROYING SOMETHINGS ARE FUNNY AND ALL BUT REALLY THERE ARE SOME YOU IN ALL HONESTY REALLY SHOULDN'T LIKE BATMAN AND BUSH WHICH ACTUALLY ISN'T TRUE AT ALL. KNOW YOUR LIMITS."

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No one communicates quite as clearly as Paragon.

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MISTAKEN I-DIETY
The 6 Strangest Ways Anyone Was Ever Mistaken For a God

There's a primitive community of laborers who man the steam pumps in our building basement. We tried to get them to accept us as gods, but instead we ended up turning them into cannibals.



Notable Comment:"*Sigh* The Hawaiians were not cannibals. They simply thought bones were sacred, thus they removed all that useless flesh that was in the way."

Thanks, Maeve Hightower, we'll use that excuse the next time we eat a whole bucket of fried chicken.



THE OTHER SIDE
6 Douchebag Luxury Goods Originally Invented to Help People

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some PTSD to treat.

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Notable Comment:

"Ecstasy's a "luxury good" now? Round these parts an ecstasy pill goes for £2-10, and it's taken at least as much by working class people as it is by the rich."

You know what, edinburghgirl? Screw you and your cheap Scottish E. At least we have...uh...lots and lots of crack.



WE ARE SORRY
The 8 Most Awkward Sexual Moments in Comic Book History

How much incest is "too much" incest?



Notable Comment:

"Didn't that guy have to rape a velociraptor, one time?"

You can't rape a velociraptor, diedonLost, that's how they like it.

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Team Tiger Awesome
Superman's Dark Secret: An Unaired Episode of Superfriends
"You know Black Vulcan's not going anywhere near water."
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YOU YOU YOU!
Two Awesome Products Combined To Make A Terrible One
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Hollywood's Darkest Moments As Done By Disney and What Your Pets Dream About.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

1.20.11:

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""Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is eternal damnation..."
by ThePoop

Editor's pick:

Ironically, he's on angel dust.
by spectre_vampire

1.19.11:

NOBODY expects the Imperial Inquisition!
by Mothra24

Editor's pick:

Star Wars: A New Pope
by hadleydb

1.18.11:

"Ugh, someone got Greece on the walls."
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

"No way! I ALSO like to explore caves!"
by metsfan

1.17.11:

See, this is how you get people interested in the WNBA.
by BowToTheBard

Editor's pick:

Sarah Palin's next campaign poster.
by GaseousClay

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1.16.11:

Big Bird doesn't like to talk about his brother. No one knows why.
by jtklove

Editor's pick:

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The women are actually safe. He just wants to have sex with that car.
by Kamikaze Phoenix

1.15.11:

"Young Miss, you have a divine right... And your left isn't too bad either."
by AssHolyroller

Editor's pick:

Later that day he delivered a sermon on her mounds.
by Leaf

1.14.11:

After finally arriving to the center of the Earth, the crew found Steve. Apparently he runs shit down there.
by ThePoop

Editor's pick:

When man invented fire, he invented the hell out of it.
by HMS_Ford

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