Cracked Round-Up: E3 Edition

Microsoft really missed the boat with Kinect. Dancing games are fine and dandy, but full-motion capture makes the ultimate Leisure Suit Larry game finally possible. "Air humping" can't come to America fast enough.


Bucholz launched our ship of mirth with a treatise on lucid dreaming and proper machete usage. Next up, Seanbaby tailored an column to attract the attention of the world's worst attention whores. Dan O'Brien closed us off by ruining The Cat and the Hat for a new generation.

ILLIN
5 Horrible Diseases That Changed The World For Better

Get down with the sickness.



Notable Comment:
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No, we didn't forget the f*****g plague. It's just been a cliche to write about since "The Masque of the Red Death".



SHOOTER
5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks To Movies)

In all honesty, it's probably best that the people who live in Hollywood don't know s**t about guns. They're dangerous enough with cars.



Notable Comment:

Pinnacle must be paying our comments section to advertise for them. Apparently Dragon Skin body armor turns you into an inpenetrable wall. That's probably why the Army doesn't use it.



SURPRISING
6 Organizations You Didn't Know Were Secretly Badass

So there is a militant wing of the Salvation Army. We knew Mike Myers wouldn't lie to us.

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Notable Comment:

"I know it is like do people think the US Navy runs around a sub in their dress whites???"

Actually JasonKeirstead, dress whites are 46% more fabulous than dress blues. That's right; we just made a joke about the Navy being gay. Cracked.com breaks new comedy ground every damn day.

ADVERTASTIC
The 6 Most Insanely Misguided Attempts At Viral Marketing

Proof that ad-men still do a shitload of cocaine.



Notable Comment:

"I wish the game Company Acclaim was on this list. I remember how stupid they were like naming your kid "Turok", trying to sell BMX XXX from the controversial alone, paying speeding tickets for anyone in a rush to buy Burnout, and trying to advertise on actual tombstones in a cemetery."

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Misguided our collective ass, NightmareNear! Those men were visionaries.



FUTURE SHOCK
6 Time Travel Realities Doc Brown Didn't Warn Us About

Cracked.com: Ruining the dreams of nerds since 1958.



Notable Comment:

"I only wanna go back a couple years in time so I could tell myself to feel up Carrie Sutherland at the eighth grade dance. I was so unsure and she was SO putting it out there. She totally would have let me get to third base."

We're not certain, TrapserCat, but this statement may be enough to qualify you as a sex offender in Georgia.

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CODY JOHNSTON
Lost Wars: Because Adding Jedis Can Fix Anything
Lightsabers: Duct Tape for Boring.
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YOU YOU YOU!
16 Video Games of the Distant Future
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Objects Were Secretly Alive In Every Movie.


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

6.17.10:

And for my next trick, I will gain the respect of my father!
by JCarlton

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Editor's pick:

Somewhere, a reality show casting director just had an orgasm.
by playdead

6.16.10:

Thank God it's not a fountain.
by mackmaven

Editor's pick:

A few more anonymous assholes and you could name that statue "The Internet".
by Kierkegaard

6.15.10:

Sometimes I get the feeling Grandpa is pissing away our inheritance.
by geniuswaitress

Editor's pick:

It's not easy to piss off the Coast Guard and PETA at the same time...
by mackmaven

6.14.10:

Because f**k You future archeologists.
by Arteta01

Editor's pick:

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Jacob's Ladder; now with real Jacobs.
by papajon0s1

6.13.10:

Both of these men are actively studying manholes
by niceminnesota

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Editor's pick:

Don't worry, Chen, even if my knee slips, your legs will still be pinned down by my erection.
by confission

6.15.10:

Japan is a proud, ancient culture
by niceminnesota

Editor's pick:

If you listen really closely you can hear his mother weeping.
by RodneyHardman

6.11.10:

COMING SUMMER 2011: A Brief History of the Roman Catholic Church (A Michael Bay Production)
by RustyVenture

Editor's pick:

Before the internet, flame wars were serious affairs.
by Dustbin

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