Cracked Round-Up: Pagan Sex Magic Edition

Nevermind. Turns out that's NOT what Yoga is.


Cody jumpstarted this engine of comedy with an entirely accurate recollection of the age of sitcoms. Bucholz provided some needed advice to our content spammers, while Robert Brockway swore an oath to mighty Conan. Seanbaby took an in-depth look at apocalypse survival traits and Dan O'Brien finished up by provoking a sex-crazed martial arts expert.

MAD
The 5 Most Badass (And Possibly Insane) Athletes of All Time

In order to be great, a man must also be batshit crazy. -Plato



Notable Comment:

"Reading this article made me grow a f**king beard ! "

Remember n1ghtmare_, with a beard of power comes great responsibility.



GUT
The 7 Most Horrifying Things Ever Discovered In The Human Body

Do NOT read this article before going under the knife.



Notable Comment:

"What, nothing about calcified fetuses? An unborn baby dies and is never actually miscarried, so it spends years, decades sometimes, as a petrified horror-child in the womb of an unknowing woman. Also called Stone Babies. Sweet dreams."

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Movieman894 brings a dollop of unremiting horror to the comments section.

CHEAT
5 Historic Figures Who Shaped The World (By Cheating Death)

Cheaters sometimes prosper.



Notable Comment:

"So the French are responsible for the birth of autotune. "

Ptothep, we can't rightly blame the French for this. Autotune comes from Satan.



CARS
The 5 Creepiest Serial Killers (Who Were Animals)

Seriously, fuck crocodiles.



Notable Comment:

"Question: would it have been so hard to obtain maybe half a dozen AK-47s and pump Gustave full of hot lead? I mean, this is war-torn Burundi we're talking about here. "

You can't kill the literal embodiment of fear, cornflakes.



CHANGE
5 Ancient Acts of War That Changed The Face of the Earth

War. What is it good for? Aside from staggering feats of engineering and human ingenuity.



Notable Comment:

"Ah yes, the great Dutch Waterline. A defense so great they still relied on it when the Germans came a'callin'. And they promptly surrendered 5 days after the start of hostilities when the Germans simply flew over the Waterline and bombed the f**k out of Rotterdam. "

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Old habits die hard, IsabellM. But they don't hold up well under aerial bombardment.





Those Aren't Muskets
Dealing With The Guy Who's Clearly Hiding A Zombie Bite
Post-Apocalyptic Faux Pas.


YOU YOU YOU!
The Genetically Modified Pets of the Future (Hopefully)
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If The Internet Took Over Our Schools..


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners? Contribute your own.

4.15.10:

Personally, I think the Chinese version of Harry Potter kicks ass.
by Versus

Editor's pick:

"Gee Dad, when you said you were getting me a Firebird, I was kind of hoping for a Pontiac".
by bettergonzo

4.14.10:

Spider Pig, Spider Pig
by Mothra24

Editor's pick:

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With great weight comes great waistline elastic.
by Julius_Goat

4.13.10:

Oh, so this is fine, but if I walk around with my dick in a box, suddenly we're talking about restraining orders.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Not pictured: I'm HIV Positive, I'm Looking for a New Baby Daddy, and I Have Daddy Issues.
by jtklove

4.12.10:

Pretty fly on a white guy
by batlkat

Editor's pick:

Sadly, the true effects of wearing Axe Body Spray are not well publicized.
by Julius_Goat

4.11.10:

Scientists recently discovered the fossilized remains of an ancient fish, which most likely went extinct from its inability to stop sinking.
by SoftOath

Editor's pick:

Teddy Roosevelt's playground equipment.
by scaryed

4.10.10:

You must be at least this tall to enter Chernobyl
by zaprowsdower

Editor's pick:

When not fighting crime, Reed Richards picked up a few dollars as a migrant fruit harvester.
by WilsonBurnell

4.09.10:

Due to budget constraints, the town crier and vilage idiot positions have been combined.
by bettergonzo

Editor's pick:

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
by Fkelleghan

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