Think Your Job Sucks? Steven Seagal Sued by His Sex Slave
Well, it happened. Steven Seagal is being sued for allegedly keeping and choking sex slaves. As an unapologetically giant fan of Mr. Seagal's work, I found this hard to believe. The young woman in question alleges that he chased her around, forced her to take drugs and had bizarre, violent sex with her. Have you seen some of Seagal's recent direct-to-DVD movies? (Don't answer. You haven't.) The man's not exactly as spry as he used to be. They rarely even show him moving anymore, they just smash cut him from room to room to present the illusion of travel. He doesn't strike me as the type to be chasing down twentysomethings.
Still, I'm an Internet journalist, which means I need to dig. It turns out, he found the woman in question by taking out an ad in Craigslist looking for an "executive assistant." I did even more digging and I found 10 similar ads that Mr. Seagal has put out lately...
Daniel O'Brien is a level five Steven Seagal specialist. He lives in a Buddhist temple and shops at Ralph's.
You guys should really consider making sure your articles don't mysterious fall apart.
Replyheheheh, action testicles.
ReplyWow, this one slipped under the radar. Great article, now someone has to start the "dicks dressed as cultural icons" meme.
ReplyIsn't Seagal a volunteer sheriff in his parish?
Not volunteer. Paid staff.
What exactly is autoerotic PowerPoint? Do I really wanna know?
ReplyPenis dressed as the Dalai Lama. LMFAO!
Replydoes Buddhism allow for excommunication? please, please say they do!
ReplyDick bank lmao
ReplyThat's what you get for thinking your a damn cop stephen, no one wants the guy from Fire Down Below to come to their house after they were robbed.
ReplyAutoerotic powerpoint!
ReplyDid anyone else notice the URL ending?
Reply"..,autoerotic asphyxiation, autoerotic powerpoint,.." - best joke of the article.. scientifically speaking.
ReplyI wonder why she didn't file a criminal complaint.
Reply$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
I wonder how far the Dick bank is from Stevens place.
ReplySo I waited on Steven Segal when he was here in Hawaii. 2001? 2000? Something like that. It spread like wildfire throughout the island. By the time I was done my shift, and was clear across the island (Oahu) everyone knew I waited on him and were anxious to hear my thoughts. It was cool, 'cause I was still new here. He was a bit pompous, but for the most part drilled me on Hawaiian fish and the flavors, mildness, what have you. He bored me as a human. I have met tons of celebs, and he was, like his movies, pale.
ReplyDid he really dress his pale dick up as the Dalai Lama?
He bored you as a human? Like it's his job to amuse his waiter?
the whole time I was reading this I was thinking, "alright! this is funny! sweet!" thinking that Cody had written it and feeling that maybe he wasn't as bad as I thought.
Reply....and then I realized it's not BY Cody.
ASIDE FROM THAT, this was hilarious and it made my essay procrastination much more enjoyable. thank you.
bahahaha "seeking tall woman" made my night
ReplyThis is funny. Ignore the subtle social and ethical details. Funny, funny. Changing soiled shorts as we speak. Just. plain. Funny.
Replyclass article as always.
Replyunlike cody
please kill cody
...please
Quit the butthurtedness you member-choked troll.
Yeah, this is awesome. Unlike Cody, who is a super-f*g.
Why is Steven Seagal the public face of Aikido? Why couldn't it be someone who doesn't come across as a pretentious ass?
ReplyIt ought to be Geese Howard.
Get over it you left wing tards. Do you think a s***k who flies out to Louisiana and stays a whole week there didn't know her vag was gonna be a jizz recepticle for him? That b***h probably didn't get off for some reason and is caus'n him grief as a result!!
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesLol...Probably dressed her up like little j*p school girl, and made her swallow his samurai sword...(made out of wood(y))..lol.
Huh. I was reading through these with the profanity blocker on and realized I didn't know any 5-letter swear words starting with s and ending with k. Skank? Seriously? I mean sure it's not really nice to say, but "jizz recepticle" gets through while "s***k" is where we draw the line, Cracked? I don't mind or anything, but if you can't even make a half-decent swear filter I guess I can understand why there's such a rampant spam issue (see above, below, pretty much f**king everywhere).
Oh and as for the troll:
1.) I don't think pro-rape is really a GOP platform (oficially).
2.) Yes.
3.) "for some reason"? Someone's jealous.
4.) Both hands on the keyboard, please.
You're worse than the spambots.
If being against sexual abuse is left, I don't want to be right.
I'm a leftist anyway, not that it matters.
Just enjoy the f**king article, man.
It's bleeping out a deragatory term for hispanics, not s***k.
s**c isn't spelled with a k, wasn't she asian anyways?
s**c isn't spelled with a k, wasn't she asian anyways?