Cracked Round-Up: Searing Bowel Pain Edition

Never ever try an anal vodka bong.

The week started off with a scary story from Cody. Bucholz followed up with an article about this decade's identity. Seanbaby made fun of barren spinsters while Robert Brockway pretended to be a private dick. Dan O'Brien closed us out with his annual heart-warming Christmas poem.

The 10 Most Baffling Action Figure Accessories of All-Time

We're pretty sure toy designers do a lot of blow.

Notable Comment:

"Those Spider-Man toys are Hilarous. Have you seen the Spider-Man bow & arrow sset from China? You shoot the arrow from his crotch! "

That sounds shamefully erotic, likalaruku.

Continue Reading Below


5 Animals That Can Do Amazing Things...With Their Penises

Curse our lazy human penises.

Notable Comment:

Cara272 says, "I was expecting to find the opossum. It's got a forked dick, goddamn it."

Thanks to a tragic can-opener mishap, so does Swaim.

5 Inspiring Acts of Kindness by Terrifying Crime Syndicates

Deep within the heart of every murdering, heartless psychopath is a good Samaritan just waiting to get out.

Notable Comment:

"The Stones were staying on an island and the hells angels plan was to take a boat over there to kill Jagger. The boat sank halfway and the fat old bikers almost drown. I do belive Mick might be the devil. "

Continue Reading Below


Continue Reading Below


You may be onto something, nana. Has anyone ever seen Satan and Jagger together at the same time?

6 TV Shows That Completely Lost Their Shit

Shows like these remind us why writers need editors so very badly.

Notable Comment:

"Yeah, basically what Lupedajedi said. I thought Family Matters was boring until Steve Urkel started becoming more of a main character. I loved it. It was my favorite Sitcom as a kid. "

Hamsterjelly, you are what is wrong with television.

6 Movies With Uplifting Messages (That Can Kill You)

Lies are the backbone of the film industry.

Notable Comment:

"I like it when when people point out things like this. It makes me feel smarter to know all our favorite movies have glurgesque dark undertones. "

Continue Reading Below


Psychic_cowman, what the hell does glurgesque mean?

Worst Morning Person Ever

Five more minutes.

If The Real World Was Like Facebook

We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Great Figures, Caught With Their Pants Down.

Continue Reading Below


Funny photos. Funnier captions. Submitted by YOU. Voted on by the People. Think you're funnier than this week's winners?
Continue Reading Below


Contribute your own.


Don't get any closer ... The ship is protected by a Wacky-Waving Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube-Man.

Editor's pick:

You sunk my battleship! Ha, ha. No, but seriously, you killed three of my friends.
by Blinker_Fluid


Art Thou Ready To Rumble???
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

Knight takes Rook with an elbow to the face.
by TaterTots


No wonder Asian hamburgers taste funny
by LoboBrunt

Editor's pick:

The monthly "Mocking of the A Minus Students" procession gives the rest of the world insight into Japan's need to excel.
by yeahme


The Trojan Whore
by bryp777

Continue Reading Below


Editor's pick:

She is going to give those terrorists SUCH a scolding!
by Julius_Goat


One Clown, 2 Many Cups
by Kamikaze Phoenix

Editor's pick:

"As your new neighbor, I'm legally required to tell you what I do with these cups..."
by Kamikaze Phoenix


Free hugs are free for a reason.
by BrendanMcGinley

Editor's pick:

It is very hard to balance a coffee cup and your dignity. One out of two isn't bad.
by Julius_Goat


But do you recall . . . the most f**ked up reindeer of all?
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

That's the last hunting trip I take with HP Lovecraft.
by BrendanMcGinley

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments

More Articles

5 'Ugh' Trump Stories The News Totally Forgot About

We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.


5 Historical Landmarks (That Are Total Frauds)

Some of the most historical sites in the world are just trying to compete with Disneyland.


6 Obnoxious Tourist Scams From Around The Globe

Every tourist destination has scammers looking to separate the unwary from their money.


5 Of The Most 'Wuh?' Facts History Class Never Covered

These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.


5 Towns Ruined By The Movies Filmed There

We're not sure if you've noticed this, but movie fans can get a little ... obsessive.


4 Reasons Traveling Around The USA Totally Sucks

Pretty much everything about our transportation network is royally screwed.