Cracked Round-Up: [Fill In The Blank] Edition.
Good morning, [Your Name]! It's been another beautiful week at Cracked.com, and the fact that you, [Your Name] have chosen to visit us today just makes our week. We love you, [Your Name], and we would do anything for you. Anything. Even if it involved a substantial amount of lubricant or the murder of peace officers.
5 Bizarre Sexual Conditions That Can Ruin Your Life.
This just reinforces the believe we've had since middle school that sex is an inherently terrifying thing. Excuse us while we grope our dolls.
Notable Comment: “I don't have any of these....where did my life go wrong? Don't worry, Leperkhan, you could still wind up with one of these if you let enough senile old men fondle you in the back of a Chuckie Cheese.
7 Random Animals That Decided The Course Of History.
All this proves to us is that animals have been secretly manipulating the course of human events for centuries. We are but pawns in the galactic schemes of adorable fuzzy animals.
Notable Comment:”So Clooney really sleeps naked with a pig? He just became 95% less hot.” If there's something 'unsexy' about sleeping with a pig, then I guess you'd better condemn every frat boy, Skull and Bones initiate, and Internet comedy writer as unsexy too.
6 Badass Tricks You Can Do With Fire (That Might Kill You)
All of these tricks are made approximately 80% more badass (and 120% more deadlier) with the addition of alcohol.
Notable Comment:”Why don't they have a Ruben's Tube gas fireplace?!? Swirling brandy in front of that would be awesome.” MightyScott reads a lot of books about zeppelins.
JOHN WILLIAMS MUSIC
7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped The Ball.
This just confirms what we'd always expected: Star Wars has been lame from the beginning.
Notable Comment: “Let's face it, Porkins wasn't exactly a model Rebel pilot. If he hadn't died during the attack, he probably would have had a coronary during re-entry. I mean, come on, the guy's breathing heavy from sitting in a space ship! If not for that helmet, you probably could have seen beads of sweat on his forehead. His X-Wing kind of just bursts from the strain of carrying his fat ass all around space. It's actually a shame, though. Porkins had just spotted the Sbarro on the Death Star, and was just about to defect.” Siwelkire, this just convinces us that a movie about Porkins would have been way better than all three prequels combined.
6 Most Baffling Superheroes From Around The World
Foreigners are insane.
Notable Comment:”Eat-man kicks ass, I wish I were him.” We wish that too, Jorran. We wish so badly that you were anyone but yourself. You sicken us.
Gladstone & O'Brien
The New '2012 Trailer Might Give You a Boner: DOB on HBN.
If you say 'Gladstone & O'Brien' real fast, it sounds kind of like 'Conan O'Brien'. Not really though.
YOU YOU YOU!
The Worst Possible Time To Get An Erection
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, The Most Important Things Ever Thrown In The Trash.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.