Welcome back! The Top 10 TV Audition Failures continues!
If you’re tuning in late… click at the end of this sentence, right before it says nude boners, to go back and read Part One nude boners.
5. Mikey!
X-Factor
In the movie Better Off Dead, John Cusack was tormented by an Asian drag racer who learned to talk by watching Howard Cossell. Life imitates art, because twenty years later, it really happened. Enter: Mikey. He strides into the audition room announcing, “Hi! My fellow trembuelders!”
Mikey sounds like a game show host having a stroke, who just happens to be doing it near a little Asian man moving his lips. “Trembuelder!” The judges have no idea what they’ve been called. If white people got offended by racists making fun of their accents, Mikey’s top hobby would be getting his ass kicked. “Trem!”
It’s a linguistic fact that due to the power of Eastern magic and Oriental gods, Mikey’s original language only ever required three sounds. This makes many of our words complicated if not impossible for him to form, especially during a Howard Cossell impersonation. He tries again. “Drembuelder!” Still nothing. Then a light bulb goes off: “Drem Construction Worker!”
After he and the three judges finally know that they share the same occupation –Dream Construction Worker– he starts crooning. In his own words, it’s a Frank Cinetra song that he redecorated himself. The whole thing feels like a scene in a comedy about an alien that has to pretend to be Human at a karaoke bar. There’s all this comical tension that he’ll be found out, and Steve Guttenburg can’t help because he’s still in the body of a dog.
Youtube - Watch it, fellow Drem Construction Worker
4. Michael Machell
Britain’s Got Talent
Michael Machell has the personality of pudding in a coma and can’t play piano, but that won’t stop him from achieving his life’s dream: getting the Star Wars theme song to contain fewer trumpet sounds. The thing just doesn’t sound like outer space to him, and he’s tired of living in a world that allows it.
His solution: going on stage and hitting the bossanova beat button on a 1983 keyboard. After a long pre-show of saying whoops and hitting different trumpet sounds, he haltingly pecks out the Star Wars theme while the crowd laughs. You can see that he’s reading from a book called HOW TO PLAY KEYBOARDS, but what we can’t see is that the second part of the title is WHEN YOUR HANDS ARE FLIPPERS. To make things even more confusing, it kind of works! It’s awesome AND makes you feel in space. You would never, ever mistake it for an Earth song.
On most talent shows, that would be the end of it. The ridiculous contestant would be led off camera to the pulping chamber where they could be rendered into chum for the show’s livestock. However, the thing that makes Britain’s Got Talent so good is that two of the judges, Amanda and Piers, will put lunatic contestants through just to piss Simon Cowell off. So Michael Machell’s crazy ass made it to the semi-finals!
In the semi-finals, Michael knew he had to take it to the next level. So he plays the Star Wars song, worse, while descending from the ceiling in a tiny flying saucer. You may feel in space so much that you’ll explosively decompress. You couldn’t mix failure and outer space any better if you invented Ewoks.
Youtube - Meet Michael!
Youtube - Michael in the Semi-Finals
3. Blue Velvet
America’s Got Talent
When we first meet Blue Velvet, they’re backstage having a giggly adrenaline dump. At first glance, it’s a trio made up of a man and two women, but all of them are shaped like potatos and it’s gay enough that no one’s gown or suit should be trusted as a gender indicator. So proceed at your own risk, drunk guys!
They take the stage and introduce themselves, “Hello, everyone! We are Blue Velvet!” I’m not sure if they are a singing act or a weaponized sonic paint remover, but each of them takes turns screeching a part of “Blue Velvet! Blue Velvet! Blue VELVEEEEEEEETT!” The judges, with comic timing more precise than Van Damme punching a Swiss watch maker in the dick, answer back with a rejection of “Ding! Ding! ACCCKKKKKK!!!” It’s like fifty years of fucking up were compressed into ten seconds of nuclear failure. Failure so massive that astronauts could do Tang spit takes as they watched it from space.
The band’s TV career, in its entirety, was screaming its name three times and opening up a wormhole of rejection. To put that into perspective, Failokalypse, the demon who feeds on mistakes, only managed to shout, “NOOO! TOO! MUCH!” before bursting into banana peels. Blue Velvet is the reason America’s Got Talent added a trap door and seven rifle towers to the set. But get this: to make matters worse, Blue Velvet even taints their own perfectly hilarious performance by debunking it on their myspace page.
They link to a video of the “real” performance before the America’s Got Talent editors made their masterpiece, and it turns out the judges actually let these chicken monsters squawk for about a minute before buzzing them. God damn it, that’s like finding out Santa Claus isn’t real and then getting molested by him. Thanks for ruining it, Blue Velvet! You can’t even suck right!
Youtube - The Original, and Best Version
2. Martik Manoukian
American Idol
Sometimes when a woman eats too many thermometers during pregnancy, Mother Nature decides to try a few new things out. Martik “X-Centric” Manoukian is one of them.
If you ask the right person, X-Centric is the most exciting half-panther performer the world has ever seen. He is also very fiery. So much so that he has “fire equaling three men.” I’m not sure, but I think “fire” is Armenian for “overdose of mood regulators.”
For his audition, X-Centric goes through a very typical werepanther preparation process. Keep in mind all of this is done before he says a word or begins singing.
1. He throws his Trapper Keeper. Because singing while you’re holding a Trapper Keeper would just be stupid.
2. He turns his back to the judges and spreads his legs. The average Armenian Werepanther has hearing far greater than ours, so singing the wrong direction is considered polite.
3. Oops, he actually meant to stand the other way, so let him turn around and then spread his legs again.
4. X-Centric removes his sunglasses and flings them! Nearby, an American Idol production assistant is found dead, a smear of paste in the center of a sunglasses-shaped impact crater. They’d ask for a moment of silence, but through a lucky turn of events, most of X-Centric’s performance is already a moment of silence.
5. X-Centric begins the twenty minute process of removing his vest and shirt. During this part of the performance, ladies who like boy-shaped playdough will want to set their X-Centric brand vibrators to FULL.
6. He crawls towards the judges making cat sounds. It’s exactly how I imagine my parents doing foreplay when I’m trying to dislodge a scream from my throat.
7. He stands and lumbers back to his starting position. I think he forgot something. Armenian Werepanthers are often confused when performing near multiple food sources.
8. Oh, I see, it looks like he forgot to dance first. A real treat, he performs a traditional Armenian Werepanther dance of three seconds of full body wiggle, meerkat, meerkat, and super spin. During the super spin, the fake microphone he had in his back pocket flies out, almost certainly because he meant it to. NOW, he struts up the judges to shirtlessly whisper “X-Centric!” Lady viewers, remove your X-Centric brand vibrators and, as quickly as possible, sit in your bucket of X-Centric brand cooling gel before serious injury occurs.
9. Singing! When X-Centric finally sings his original X-Centric song, it’s sort of a rap battle between a baby and its multiple personalities. If the baby had asthma and sang like a little bitch. Ultimate face!!
and the number one…
1. Marc Griffin
American Inventor
Everything good has already been invented. You can buy hot dogs with cheese in the center, dolls with vaginas, and hundreds of combinations of all four. So on the show American Inventor, most people come in with a pile of junk and a story about how patent lawyers took all their money and left them with only a prototype for Mayonnaise Mittens, the gloves that make sandwiches safe.
Marc Griffin stood above them all. He sold everything he owned to make BulletBall. BulletBall combines the fun of air hockey with the misplacement of all your air hockey equipment. In it, two players bat a ball across a coffee table and the winner is the one who does the best! Sometimes the best ideas are simple ones. Sometimes.
He invented the game 26 years ago with his ex-wife, a lot of wine, and a cat toy. Coincidentally, those were the exact three things used to invent the first tampon. Wait, I think it wasn’t an ex-wife until right after the invention process.
Marc is certain that BulletBall will be an Olympic sport. Not only because it’s high caliber and for the 21st century, but because it’s age and gender neutral. No listen– no matter who or what you are, you’re as good at BulletBall as anyone who will ever live. If you want proof, I found these pictures of Marc on his website playing BulletBall as hard as he can against disinterested people in wheelchairs. “Who’s the BULLETBALL MASTER!!??”
Where is he now? Marc is still selling and rapping about BulletBall and BulletBall extreme tables. He’s even dropped the price for a limited time from $399.99 to only $299.99. Sorry, poor people, but Marc was a little busy inventing sports to learn how supply and demand work. If you want to bat a cat toy around, you’ll have to do it on a knockoff BulletBall table, also sometimes known as any table.
Youtube - BulletBall, BulletBall, that’s a BulletBall!
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November 8th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Very interesting!! Thankyou for the read.
October 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Bulletball, I really wonder If I should catagorize this under Profiles in Faggotry or The FAIL Chronicles. On one poart we ahve the total FAIL that is this “game” of MArc Griffin on American Inventor and second we have the game itself, which amounts to passing a ball around on a coffee table and the website with the gall to sell this game set up to the excess of $545.99 for Bulletball EXTREME.
This game has had customers in the form of rehab centers for the disabled and wounded soldiers.
As for the US Army buying the game, I guess after buying $100 dollar hammers and $1000 toilets seats paying for the $545 Bulletball Extreme set is not too much of a stretch.
The High caliber game of the lowest bidder.
September 28th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
@Rat,
Okay, Seanbaby was making a joke about something said in the video. I didn’t watch the video so I wasn’t aware of that. It does explain why he’d spell “Sinatra” completely wrong. I saw how he wrote it and thought that he’d just had a late night or something. (Speaking of which, I’m having a late night myself, which is the only reason I’m even typing this.)
September 28th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
@edgehead,
No, he’s right. It is “Frank Sinatra”. But really, who cares?
Seanbaby, that was funny as all hell. Fantastic job!
September 10th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
On a serious note, I hope that Marc Griffin guy is doing okay now. He was crushed.
Whatever, maybe he’ll go out and invent a table game combining tennis and volleyball.
Wait…
August 20th, 2009 at 5:17 am
I just logged on to http://www.cougarsonline.com and found myself a partner!
Then I get mauled because dating a large, wild carnivore is rediculous.
Fuck you.
August 18th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Edgehead:
Watch the video and listen to how he says it.
August 13th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
To the guy who posted:
“Your an idiot” it’s “You’re an idiot.” which you are.
August 12th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
To the guy who posted:
“Frank Sinatra**** not Cinetra or whatever.”
Your an idiot.
August 10th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
BulletBall is oddly reminiscent of the pending patent on the stick.
… Though I’m sure we’d all love to see X-centric have a go at BulletBall, by the way; It only seems natural considering the cat toy.
August 9th, 2009 at 12:02 am
I have spent 26 years maturbating… hell, I even made a game out of it. 26 YEARS, where is my money bitches?!?!?!
August 8th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
i almost felt bad for marc griffin, until i realized that he must be hilariously retarded, therefore there was nothing to do but laugh my ass off.
August 6th, 2009 at 10:52 am
holy shit, that thing about marc griffin was so sad!!! i thought he was gonna come back in there with an “assault rifle” also of his own invention, made from wiffle balls and a lunch tray.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:58 am
nice try calidude, but 0/10
August 5th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Frank Sinatra**** not Cinetra or whatever.
July 29th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
y have ur last 2 articles been the same thing? come on douchbag use that pea brain ur mother and drug abuse gave you, o wait u have
July 26th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
I find talent and competitions shows an unbearable thing to match because I just hate to see people embarrass themselves… But the very first Asia kid made me laugh so hard. I also enjoy your work in EGM, it great to see you doing articles where you can actually cuss. Awesome!
July 23rd, 2009 at 9:02 pm
The first two sentences of Marc Griffin: American Inventor had me laughing so hard I was choking.
July 21st, 2009 at 4:38 pm
suks
July 20th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Hahahahahahahaha -> the comic strip in Bulletball had me laughing until snot came out of my eyes.
“Who’s saying that?”
hahahahahahahahahah
July 19th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I AM VERY OFFENDED
July 17th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
dude i just bought bulletball!! well actually i had some ping pong balls i got from the 99 cents store laying around and wel i already had a table… go bulletball!!
July 16th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
this should totally be on there
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYV-T3rf7RM&feature=related
July 16th, 2009 at 10:30 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-top-ten-tv-audition-failures-finale/ [...]
July 15th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
The key to maximum Bulletball enjoyment is to play the “adults only” version, where every game lost requires an article of “Bulletball apparel*” be removed. The second key is to (preferably) play against an opponent.
(* not yet available, according to the Bulletball website; but check back soon)
July 15th, 2009 at 3:33 am
After looking at the site, I really don’t feel bad for the “BulletBall” guy at all. There is no way he spent over 20 years working on that crap game.
Also he gives a totally different story on his site. On the ordering site he is a well off busines man who quit to focus just on “BulletBall” for the last few years.
Then he has the bull doctor come on claiming bullet boy for 15 minutes is a complete work out that would take 4 days to do in the gym.
He is just trying any method to sell his product, and it is an extremely crappy one at that. It really doesn’t work when you watch the video of people trying to play it seriously.
Ah well pretty cheesy infomericalicous videos, and I for one liked the “BulletBall” rap, so google his site, click the order link, and jam out.
July 14th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Sorry, wrong link, there is a slightly longer version here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNQLmHKlmiE
July 14th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I can’t believe you let out the “best” x-factor performance ever. I know it is from the bulgarian edition (at least I think it is bulgarian), but leaving out KEN LEE?
Take a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=GB&hl=en-GB&v=_RgL2MKfWTo
July 14th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Once again, Seanbaby, you fail to disappoint.
Although Marc Griffin did make me a bit sad, I thought it was a bit funny in a sad sort of way. This should totes be a movie starring Samuel Jackson.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:54 am
======KissCougar. Com ==– is ur ideal place for dating the sexy and wealthy women online.it only takes you a few minute s to sigh up….u gonna to get much fun..
i like the site.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:59 am
I thought Michael Machell was just pure AWESOME!
July 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I remember a time when I thought there was no way #1 could be more depressing than all 9 others.
Those were innocent times…
July 13th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
so….did guttenberg ever get released from the dog’s body or what?
July 13th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
All I can say is THANK GOODNESS for my bucket of X-Centric brand Cooling Gel, otherwise I would have sustained serious injuries!!!
Seanbaby, consider my face totally rocked!
July 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I still have no idea what the difference is between “bulletball” and “bulletball extreme”
July 12th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Bulletball totally killed my buzz UNTIL I visited the website and saw how truly batshit crazy Marc Griffen is. I went from expecting to google up a suicide report, to hearing the “Bulletball rap” crudely embedded in a junior high school quality website and realized he’s probably not doing THAT badly for himself despite the fact that he knows nothing at all of marketing.
As for selling the wife’s wedding ring and living in the car? Something tells me he was doing that long before he ever made it to the show. The whole obsession with a shitty game he “invented” reeks of mid-life catastrophe.. Especially since the timelines he lays out in the show and on his website don’t match. Infact, they don’t even match going from one page on the site to another. The only thing with any consistency is the shitty “high caliber game for the 21st century lifestyle” tagline that not only tells you nothing about the game but shows that on top of not knowing how to market, he doesn’t know how to talk. His vocab is trapped in shitty corporate rhetoric from his original line of work. That is, if you can believe he really was a coprorate deskjockey.
This guy needs mental help. Most likely in the form of therapy, social rehabilitation, and probably a large stuffed animal to cry himself to sleep at night with.
July 12th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Man, this article was doing so great. Mikey’s broken English, Michael Machell’s advancement in BGT pissing off Simon Cowell, the perfect timing of getting rid of Blue Velvet, and the douchebagginess of X-Centric were all hysterical.
But then we get to Marc Griffen, and my day is now dead. I love laughing at the face of idiocy, but this, man, I can’t even giggle at this. A man who’s destroyed his entire life in order to sell a shitty game that I could easily make in less than 10 minutes? No word can describe how pathetic that is. And I can’t tell if he’s even lying. I know the many signs that indicate when a person is lying, yet I see this man and see someone who’s clearly lost his mind.
That doesn’t mean I’m supporting him. I could easily recreate this in my kitchen and save the $299 for something useful. And I’m not giving money to a man who needs mental help.
July 12th, 2009 at 8:45 am
That Bullet Ball asshole should just let his dream die, get a securities license (preferably a series 6, 63, and 26) and become a broker for Mutual Funds. He’d become way more wealthy rolling over 401(k)s instead of trying to sell this retarded garbage. Bullet ball is about as fun as going to a Catholic church. (ZING)
July 11th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
God, Bulletball guy is really depressing. What’s happened to the world…
July 11th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Mikey & the Panther guy = tears streaming down my face hiiiilarious!!
July 11th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Good old Cracked stuffs. I’ve got more fun stuffs for ya all. “Week’s Most Hilarious Videos 6/29″ http://tv1.com/playlists/465
July 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Good work. When I read the first half of this article, I thought to myself “If this list doesn’t end with Bulletball, something is seriously fucking wrong.” Good to know I’m not totally insane there.
July 11th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1712095
July 11th, 2009 at 11:28 am
hadicapped and under division lol
July 11th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Did anybody notice this on Mr BulletBall Guy’s site:
“BulletBall and BulletBall Extreme can be enjoyed in recretational facilities, rehabilitation centers……”
REHABILITATION centers.. Hmm.. It seems Mr BulletBall is setting up one of these pieces of shit in his future home of retirement.
July 11th, 2009 at 7:39 am
If Bulletball made you sad, take a step back and assess the situation.
You feel bad for a man who (supposedly) devoted 26 years of his life and made (supposedly) countless sacrifices in order to bring his vision of a bastard of ping-pong and air hockey to public recognition. This is what gets your sympathy.
Seanbaby didn’t lie. It was the most glorious failure of a talent show audition there could possibly be. Not as humorous as the other entires in the list, but what can you really say about it that requires being said?
July 10th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Well, considering that he has a bluetooth (as seen in the pictures on the website) and he has a blackberry in the video, I don’t think this guy is as broke as he let on. It at least makes me feel somewhat better after the depression of “I have Bulletball”.
July 10th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
How is it sad? This moron put everything into something that you can only get handicap people to play. How hard could it have been to find actual people to play it? You know those people that would make other people want to play it cause they are cool. since I missed the part when you use the bullets, I think he should rename it to slap balls. Then people might buy it for the name, if it was cheap, and the only store to carry it would be Spencers. Drunk morons who collect black lights and tiger posters would own 4 of these. Another awesome job Seanbaby.
Seanbabay > All Gods
July 10th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Seanbaby you fag. You set us up with funny articles and then BAM!
Bulletball.
Dick move man… dick move.
“I have Bulletball” is one of the most depressing lines ever spoken. But it’s less tragic when you watch the related videos, including the Bulletball rap.
July 10th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
well… article was great i loled all the time… but that sh.t with bulletball killed it… wtf? depressive and i’m high… what do you think how i feel now? ha?
July 10th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Seanbaby is becoming one of my favorite columnists.
July 10th, 2009 at 11:26 am
BulletBall Guy’s website says, “After spending over 20 years (BulletBall years) as a manager making millions for major corporations across America, Marc Griffin decided in 2004 to “step out of the box” and work towards realizing his own dreams. It was then that BulletBall moved from being a hobby to becoming his ‘job’.”
So, according to his website, he actually only devoted a couple of years to BulletBall, and isn’t poor at all. Also, what’s a “BulletBall year?”
July 10th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Seanbaby, I seriously hope you write 10 more articles with this same premise. Its the whole reason people watch these shows in the first place, but without all the noisy garbage and “success” (whatever the hell that means.)
July 10th, 2009 at 9:44 am
How did he manage to spend all of his money on Bullet Ball?
July 10th, 2009 at 9:33 am
for all you guys out there stop at number 2!!!! it was the funniest thing I’ve seen since I watched Barney’s resume on How I Met Your Mother…
number one was really really depressing. I cannot figure out how the guy could spend 26 years of his life on that useless thing. It looks like it took about 3 hours and 3 pints of wine to figure out. Feel so sorry for the guy…
July 10th, 2009 at 9:12 am
The Marc Griffin one is really more sad than funny at least for me and for many of the people commenting here.
That is why I think his marketing strategy for the Bulletball is exactly what ALLYOURBASE said in his comment below.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Have just been to the bulletball site…..on the order page (read if you will the hilariously over-priced simple-mindedness), but on the order page IS A FUCKIN BULLETBALL RAP!!!!!!
Funniest, yet saddest thing I’ve ever heard
July 10th, 2009 at 8:40 am
“i have bulletball”
i think that was the most heartbreaking thing i’ve ever heard. and it’s even worse because it’s a shit idea.
my favorite would have to be x-centric…lmao what a silly silly little man.
July 10th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Man, how is bulletball number one?! Unless you’re just trying to depress us all. Clearly X-Centric should’ve been number one.
Biggest. Failure. Ever.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:23 am
… this guy could pull this off: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Yeah Baby… YEAH!!!
July 10th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I rarely watch this type of TV, but I do recall one that might have made the list or been close to the top 10. It was a white guy dressed as both an American Indian and an Indian. He then sang while playing a violin. Did I mention the lyrics were in a language he invented? He then dances around in an absurd mockery of a raindance, more like the Dance of the Cerebral Palsied Bear, and plays his violin while screaming in his made up language.
The upside to that is that he was so horrible that both American Indian and Indians didn’t admit to being offended due to them not wanting this loser associated with them in any way.
It was on America’s Got Talent if I recall.
Anyways, keep up the good work Seanbaby.
July 10th, 2009 at 6:39 am
jesus I just listened to the bullet ball song. the chorus sounds like it’s being sung by a chain gang forced to perform after a hard day of breaking rocks.
“sir, can we get some food now?”
“NO! You must sing!” *cracks whip*
“bulletball bulletball that’s a bulletball….”
C- the video clips are in the links at the end of each section- the red writing
July 10th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Some clips would have realy made this article. I dont know what your bandwidth situation is with those but man it woudl have boosted the haha’s
July 10th, 2009 at 4:45 am
“It’s exactly how I imagine my parents doing foreplay when I’m trying to dislodge a scream from my throat.”
Best line by Seanbaby EVER.
July 10th, 2009 at 1:34 am
from the bulletball website under the question “does it have any benefits?”
“In the gym it takes at least 4-5 days to work all the core muscle groups.” uhhh no it doesn’t unless you’re doing something seriously wrong, or you’re in a gym with no equipment and don’t understand the concept of a body weight workout.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
This and part 1 were both very funny. I didn’t look at the videos, so I don’t know how good they were.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
“an alien that has to pretend to be Human at a karaoke bar” ..GOLD!
I love you Sean baby!
July 9th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Now i feel like buying a bulletball thing just to help out the poor guy :/
July 9th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
The mikey comic was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long while. “I say to you: How about that Mickey Mouse”
July 9th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
yep, definitely
July 9th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
i actually feel effing terrible for marc griffin…that wasnt funny at all. It was just amazingly, amazingly sad. am i a pussy if i actually got a little teary-eyed at the end there when they turned him down?
July 9th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Goddam Marc Griffiths was sad. That was just insanely depressing.
Well, at least that’s what I thought until I heard the Bulletball Official Authentic 1983-Style Rap Theme Song.
And then I thought that Bulletball was possibly the raddest thing ever.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
You forgot that one dude who brought in the “Black Cougar” idea.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
god. that guy should have given up YEARS ago. i think xcentric should have been number one though he was craazzzy!
ROWR!
July 9th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
This article was a roller coaster of emotion, and ending with bulletball was as if that roller coaster ended by smashing into a brick wall underwater, quietly drowning all of its passengers.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
holy shit
i feel so absolutley sorry for the bulletball guy.
it just kills me to see his face
like a small child
when his hope is crushed.
he seems so happy until they turn him down
when he says “i have bulletball” its like bulletball is his wife or something. his face is pure dreamy contentment, and it is unbearable to watch him be turned down.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
bulletball FTW
July 9th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Am I a bad person for laughing really hard at the video for #1?
July 9th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Be on the lookout for my Pantherman appreciation website. Coming soon to a theater near you. I am still laughing at that lunatic.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Holy cow! My brother’s and I used to play bulletball! Well, we called it “slapping a golf ball across a picnic table” but same concept. Flat table as a playing area, no equipment other than the ball and your hands. Of course we had the added bonus of trying to knock the ball down the hole in the center of the table where the umbrella would normally go, so I guess we were ahead of Marc on that one.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Oh jesus I’m depressed now. Fuck you very much Cracked. =(
July 9th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
To those who wonder why Seanbaby stopped being funny after our 10+ year love-affair with his articles? All of us grew up. Sean’s 33. I’m 38. How old are you?
Gaming and geekiness was something to be lovingly mocked yet adored in the 90’s. Now, it’s HUGE business, and our geekiness just isn’t as lovable as it was…
July 9th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
the last video made me really depressed )=
i thought it would be funny like the rest
July 9th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Thanks for the input, Colonel.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
mmmh… no.
It’s been what? close to ten features for The Sean here now… but it doesn’t gel. I’m not saying he should get the boot, and I don’t think the articles are shameful, but something’s still not quite right.
Maybe 2 features mocking AI auditions seems a bit of a lame choice… don’t know- Bwah, nevermind, The Sean shall find his voice.
And the guy’s a star, so it’s good just to see his name here. Bet he’ll have finished adapting in four weeks tops. Still, … yep man, we know AI is awful. 2 features on it seems a bit redundant, Bwah,… still a good addition to Cracked.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I love Seanbaby. I have been reading him for years, and while DOB has been my favorite for a long time Seanbaby has replaced him in my estimation. When he started writing for cracked it was like the magic combination of peanutbutter and jelly. Hooray! Anyway I loved this article, esp the bit about Xcentric. The discriptions of his “moves”; so hilarious. Thanks for making laugh out loud in my very “official” government place of employment.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
He did everything but cut off his own testicles and use them as the balls for the game.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
“You couldn’t mix failure and outer space any better if you invented Ewoks”
Brilliant!
July 9th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-top-ten-tv-audition-failures-finale/#comment-97187
Awesome, fuck-stick, way to completely miss the joke!
I used to own that exact book, “The Complete Keyboard Player”. So great to see it being put to good use.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
You guys are all insane pussies. Marc Griffin is a dickhead and I feel no sympathy for him. Some kinds of fail promote sympathy. You hear about a child who didn’t look twice and he was hit by a car. That’s sad and depressing.
Some dickhead with crazy priorities does not promote sympathy. I honestly hate Griffin. He insults intelligence. He thought people would pay for his piece of shit? One bad idea, fine. But 26 years? He did this on purpose, stubborn asshole.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhPmsIsQ-JE&feature=related
MAN REINVENTS THE WHEEL, goes crazy, on tv.
July 9th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
this was badass
July 9th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Okay, I never thought this would need explanation, but he spells it “Cinetra,” because if you listen to Mikey say it, he completely mispronounces the name. Ergo, the author spells it as “Cinetra,” to convey Mikey’s broken english. In related news, you’re an idiot.
July 9th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Awesome, guys, way to spell Frank Sinatra’s name wrong!
July 9th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
I was hoping that toe dancing guy would be here even though it aired only 2 days ago. That was hilarious.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
After watching that BulletBall video, I think the whole thing is an act, there’s no way he sold everything he owns to make that.
I think he made that up to get some free pity.
How the hell could having a job mess up a something that is pretty much just a coffee table.
There’s no way in hell I’ll ever believe that man.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Screw you, Mikey was great!
July 9th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
An entertaining article, though made me wonder if it owed to the vids rather than Seanbaby’s writing.
July 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“When we first meet Blue Velvet, they’re backstage having a giggly adrenaline dump. At first glance, it’s a trio made up of a man and two women, but all of them are shaped like potatos and it’s gay enough that no one’s gown or suit should be trusted as a gender indicator.”
Is this English?
July 9th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Wow, that last one was much more sad than it was funny
July 9th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Does seanbaby still think random shit and cursing makes things funny?
July 9th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Sooooooooooooooo…. Seanbaby knows that the Korean guy at the beginning was on a British show, right?
July 9th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
This was a bit of a disappointment compared to the first part. Nowhere near as funny
July 9th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Please make the links pop-able in the future, other then that, always a fan Seanbaby!
July 9th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Dimmeh, thanks for the tip on the Bulletball ordering page. That was one fantastic rap.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Wow… this one was a lot poorer than the last one. Not hilarious, Xcentric and Mikey were pretty good, Michael was a bit sad (especially Amanda turning her back on him) and Blue Velvet was boring.
But seriously, Bulletball as number 1? Why? It wasn’t funny, the concept wasn’t funny, your write-up wasn’t funny, the video was heartbreaking and the guy wasn’t funny. Really saddened my day
The first part was, however, very hilarious. I hope to see more like THAT in the future.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:25 am
BulletBall- it’s like ping pong for those who like to bitch-slap the edge of a plywood board and/or are too dumb to master the basics of operating a ping-pong paddle! WHERE DO SIGN?
July 9th, 2009 at 11:09 am
I feel extremely sorry for Marc Griffin, the dude sacrificed everything for a game that nobody will play, i’m going to order one of these motherfuckers te minute i have the money
July 9th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Failokalypse: “NOOO! TOO! MUCH!” *banana explosion*
…seriously…can’t…breathe…call…paramedics…
July 9th, 2009 at 10:59 am
If you commentators haven’t yet, go to the “Order” page on the Bulletball page and listen to Marc Griffin rap. Keep in mind it may take a while to load.
http://www.bulletballgames.com/order.html
July 9th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I was just thinking “jesus, this asian kid sounds like keanu reeves on painkillers” apparently sharon osborne thinks the same.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I’m booking my trip to Armenia as we speak to go Trapper Keeper shopping. Those things are hard to find, and I plan on getting enough to last me through TV/VCR repair school. Any money left over, and I am finding me a sweet Bulletball table.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Did you go on his about page?
“After spending over 20 years (BulletBall years) as a manager making millions for major corporations across America, Marc Griffin decided in 2004 to “step out of the box” and work towards realizing his own dreams.”
lol
July 9th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Fucking awesome article!
July 9th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I feel sorry for the Bulletball guy. It’s so utterly ridiculous, though. I don’t feel sorry at all about x-centric; he’s just an ass.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Wow if you guys haven’t checked out the BulletBall website you should. The rap song he has made to play on the website is amazing. I’m not sure but it sounds like he is performing it himself, which adds a whole new level to his Chance-of-Suicide Scale. Someone please buy a BulletBall table, it could save a man’s life.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Extremely long and boring. After reading the bottom 3, I realized it would be more entertaining to skip what you wrote about the videos and just watch the videos themselves.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:09 am
i wanna buy bullet ball! it doubles as a table! in reality i bet soem will buy out of pity
July 9th, 2009 at 10:01 am
And they are selling this “BullshitBall” for 299$?!?! In first place, what is so expensive about 20$ of wood, 5$ of paint and couple of screws?! Oh, yeah… and 0.5$ ball…. And that “Extreme” version… 525$?!?! It’s a same F***g table as regular one!!! You really have to be mentally challenged to buy this piece of S***t for that amount of money! It it will cost around 50$, then ok, you can use it as coffee table!
July 9th, 2009 at 9:56 am
That bastard… he says that he sold everything so that he wouldn’t get sued by every second frat boy on Earth who created “Bulletball” as a drinking game.
Out of honesty though, I find it hard to feel sorry for somebody who makes a mistake that huge, especially when afterwards they stay in denial that it was the wrong decision. Seriously, 26 years and everything he owns for a coffee table and a cat toy? People say that hindsight is 20/20, but I refuse to believe that anybody else with an ounce of brain matter would really have done the same. It just isn’t right.
I also kinda want to note that people with huge, fat arms would be able to cheat at the game no problem by just laying their arms down at the end of the table. Nothing would get passed.
Over all, this guy deserves to have his dreams crushed. His dream has been keeping him down for 26 years. He should have realized when he was selling his wife’s wedding ring that he was taking it too far. Now he’ll either go on with life, continue trying to grab up at the remnants of his dreams, or become a drunk/violent mess. I’m willing to guess the first option is not going to happen.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:47 am
“Sometimes when a woman eats too many thermometers during pregnancy, Mother Nature decides to try a few new things out. Martik “X-Centric” Manoukian is one of them.”
I couldn’t stop laughing after this.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Bulletball was just painfull. Seriously. A small part of me died watching that an will never come back. The level of fail was just too much to bear. I have seen some truly spectacular fails on the net but this tops them all. Even tops the guy who died after letting a horse sodomize him because at least he didn’t get sodomized for 26 years.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:30 am
You know, Bulletball guy is right. 100 years from now, when the world is a nuclear wasteland and the few survivors are trying to forget the misery that is their every waking moment, they will play the shit out of bulletball. Basketballs and baseballs and badminton nets will be hard to come by… but bulletball will regin supreme. Bulletball man, keep on truckin! We’ll see you at Olympics 2110 in The Wastes.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:29 am
bulletball-guy was really depressing.
all of the others will probably just go on with their lives, minus a few dreams. but his dream ís the totality of his life and it’s a nightmare
July 9th, 2009 at 9:25 am
I actually felt bad for bulletball guy. But I don’t remember cofee tables and cat balls toy weres so expensive that you would have to sell everything you own.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:19 am
I fixed the Better Off Dead/One Crazy Summer Mixup. As an amateur fact checker, I feel like I should pass on the lesson I learned: watching both of those movies in the same week breaks the part of your brain that remembers which is which.
My bad.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
“What do you have now?”
“……………………………..”
You can just see the thought process, “OH MY GOD. I LIVE IN A FUCKING STATION WAGON. WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE??”
“………………………………………….”
“….I have bulletball.”
July 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
… went really well for this guy! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ He’s the front runner!
July 9th, 2009 at 8:50 am
What? Everybody feels sorry for Marc Griffin? Oh man, you don’t get it… that stuff sells big time in America.
Thomas Edison, handicapped people, dare I say it… black guy who loses his savings… he’s got the “feel sorry for me” trifecta. He is not selling the game, he is selling what people want to buy >>> A ticket out of hell for laughing at him.
I ask you… would Seanbaby have chosen this guy if he were real?? Are we that pathetic? Nah…. this guy jumps in his piles of money and swims around like Scrooge McDuck. And Seanbaby just gave him another pitchforkful…
July 9th, 2009 at 8:49 am
The Cusack movie was Better Off Dead”
(Nods to blackhawk)
July 9th, 2009 at 8:37 am
say it say it…..
ah the suspense is killing me.
You chose the last frame better than the film editor did.
Wow… he looks dense…
LOL.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:37 am
The videos on the BulletBall website are ridiculous. I feel bad for the guy. I’m not sure if he’s resilient or deluded.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:36 am
This is an outrage!
Michael clearly presssed the “Reggae” button on his Casio, not the “Bossa Nova.”
July 9th, 2009 at 8:27 am
I came down to post the same about “Better off Dead” lol…otherwise still brilliant
July 9th, 2009 at 8:13 am
I’ve seen the Bulletball video before and I knew that was going to be on here. Good choice for #1.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:06 am
“It’s like fifty years of fucking up were compressed into ten seconds of nuclear failure.”
That is the best line I’ve ever seen on cracked. I nearly exploded laughing.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Bulletball guy wasn’t glorious. It was depressing. The poor, deluded guy.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:50 am
“In the movie One Crazy Summer, John Cusack was tormented by an Asian drag racer who learned to talk by watching Howard Cossell.”
Nope…it was Better Off Dead.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I dunno..
Watching the clip from Blue Velvet’s myspace…
They’re not *that* bad..
It’s not my style of music, but hey, at least they’ve got decent voice..
July 9th, 2009 at 7:45 am
God damn, I was laughing my head off up until they got to the Bulletball guy. All of a sudden all I could think was…how fucking sad is that? His whole idea amounts to using a coffee table to play ping-pong with your bare hands and he’s been at it for DECADES? I don’t know, with all the shit that’s on TV now you would think that a show dedicated to grinding the mentally ill into the dirt wouldn’t have such an emotional impact. The guy needs help.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:42 am
I think you were thinking of “Better Off Dead” not “One Crazy Summer”.
Now, I must leave to go masterbate.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:26 am
i would subscribe to seanbaby weekly.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:19 am
AH! I totally called Bulletball and Marc Griffin on your last article, Seanbaby!
July 9th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Aw, Blue Velvet wasn’t thaaat bad. I wouldn’t want to listen to them repeatedly, but I think they were just trying to achieve 60’s cheesy lounge band. They do kinda sound like the session singers that record companies used to put out mediocre versions of regular pop songs in the 60’s & 70’s though.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:03 am
I watched bulletball guys video and I’ve got to ask, am I going to hell for laughing at every second of his speech
July 9th, 2009 at 7:00 am
mood regulator OD obscure lulz ftw
July 9th, 2009 at 6:55 am
Action Figure Man- I think it was a joke because of how the guy pronounced Sinatra :oP
July 9th, 2009 at 6:51 am
the bit about the alien in the karaoke gave me a serious case of the giggles.
I feel a disturbance in the force…no, it’s a memo heading my way to remember not to laugh my ass out at work.
Thanks Seanbaby
July 9th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Did you really actually write “Frank Cinetra?” Was that a joke?
July 9th, 2009 at 6:49 am
bullet ball is just paper football with some minor changes
if thats an invention ive invented about as much things as da vinci
July 9th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Anybody else listen to the Bulletball rap under the Orders tab of official Bulletball website?
No? Good. Don’t.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Failokalypse, the demon who feeds on mistakes. I have now found my new god. Thank you Seanbaby. Thank you.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:21 am
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July 9th, 2009 at 6:16 am
really feel sorry for that griffin dude…bulletball…hope he doesn’t end up like…even worse than he is now.
X-centric,on the other hand, is a total douchebag.huge douchebag.humongous douchebag.like he can engulf the world in his douchebagginess.
P.S. what a douchebag!!!
July 9th, 2009 at 6:14 am
i agree…x-centric, tho hilarious, should have gone through lol.
and bulletball guy…had a different feel from the others which were all amazingly funny; his was rather a sad story that i didnt find funny as much as depressing. (though going on the website provides a few more laughs)
July 9th, 2009 at 6:13 am
I remember tuning in to American Idol one time and seeing X-Centric. Weirdest shit I’ve ever seen…and I don’t even watch American Idol regularly. Must’ve been my luck…
July 9th, 2009 at 6:11 am
ROTFL dude that is priceless!
RT
http://www.real-anonymity.pro.tc
July 9th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Another healthy dose of other people’s failure. Now I’m ready for the day, thanks Seanbaby!
July 9th, 2009 at 5:58 am
man I love this stuff
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI63SmXSdjM&feature=related
I think my favorite part of this is when he starts his little poem at the end and then compares himself to thomas eddison. freaking crazy man.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:53 am
Number one baseball!
Wheres the beeeeef
July 9th, 2009 at 5:43 am
I feel so sorry for Marc Griffin. Poor guy. He really needs to get his life back on track.
Why you’d need to sell everything you own for what amounts to a coffee table, a couple boards, and a ping pong ball is beyond me.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:40 am
OMG Mikey kills me. I like that the 5 syllables of “construction worker” are easier to convey than the 2 in “builder.” Also, I like that Failokalypse bursts into banana peels….hehe. I <3 Seanbaby.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:35 am
I would rather go see an X-Centric performance than most of the people who “make it” on American Idol. That dude is raw.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:12 am
Actually, and I hate to be one of “those guys,” but that John Cusack movie wasn’t ‘One Crazy Summer’, it was ‘Better Off Dead’… but they’re pretty much the same movie, when you get down to it.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:09 am
YES!!! BULLETBALL!!
July 9th, 2009 at 5:06 am
It isn’t like me to correct you Mr. Seanbaby, as I have enjoyed your articles for 10+ years, but the John Cusack movie in question was Better Off Dead, not One Crazy Summer.