Scientology's 5 Newest Celebrity Recruits
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Karla Pacheco
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- June 23, 2009
After he simultaneously impregnated and asexualized Katie Holmes, we're all a little sick and tired of Tom Cruise's Scientology-related antics. Luckily, there's a brand new list of celebrities that the CoS has marked as next in line for access into the Scientology jet. Or boat. Castle? Where do Scientologists practice? Anyway, here's a list of the lunatic Scientology prophets of tomorrow. Granted, they're not all Scientologists yet, but give it a few years and they'll be drinking the Scientology Kool-Aid. Or eating the Scientology Taco. Sucking down the Scientology Slurpee? Anyway here they are.
5Will Smith: Scientologist
Best Known For:
Jiggyness; giant wooden spider-fighting; heir to the kingdom of Bel-Air.
Why We Think He'll Be Next:
For years, rumors about their respective sexualities have plagued Will and Frito-sized beard, Jada Pinkett-Smith. Enter Scientology. As a ruthless corporation able to smokescreen the private sex lives of celebrities, the Church actually provides a pretty valuable service (but come on, John Travolta, meet them halfway. You can't suck the lettuce out of your boyfriend's teeth on a tarmac and expect Scientology to use its Men in Black mind eraser on America. "But I did it in front of a plane!" That's not how it works, John. You just made the plane gay too).
In a 2007 interview, Smith admitted to studying Scientology with Tom Cruise, but then probably realized how crazy that sounded and backpedaled with a weak qualification that he's a "student of world religions" in general. "Ninety-eight percent of the principles [in Scientology] are identical to the principles of the Bible... I don't think that because the word someone uses for spirit is 'thetan' that the definition becomes any different." Big Willy Style makes some cogent arguments here, as would be expected of a man who's pretended to be a sassy cowboy. Anyone who's read the Bible can tell you the terms "spirit" and "frozen alien volcano ghost " are pretty interchangeable. Ask a priest!
But the biggest indicator that Will thought Men In Black was a documentary was when he and Jada spent millions to found the New Village Leadership Academy, a school based on the teachings of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
When an actor thinks he's smart enough to educate his children in his kitchen, that's a harmless joke, because everyone sort of understands that Will Smith's kids are going to grow up and be retarded, and that's funny. But when he builds a school and starts handing out diplomas to the neighborhood kids, the joke's gone a little too far. If the Fresh Prince wants to take out his son's tonsils, that's between him and the police, but that doesn't make him a doctor, no matter how many times he paints HOSPITAL on his garage door.
What He'll Be Sacrificing for Scientology:
Forced to ritually murder DJ Jazzy Jeff as to achieve Level 8 Operating Thetan level.
4Janeane Garofalo: Scientologist
Best Known For:
Being the only comedian on the planet who doesn't think anything is funny.
Why We Think She'll Be Next:
It wasn't difficult to notice Garofalo's transition from charmingly acerbic actress (Reality Bites, Romy & Michele's High School Reunion) to shrill left-wing know-it-all and Scientology shill, but it was pretty upsetting.
As we mentioned in our last expose, supposed atheist Garofalo used her Air America radio show go shithouse-rat crazy for the controversial New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project, based on the teachings of--drum roll, please--L. Ron Hubbard. She dedicated multiple episodes of "Majority Report" to the program, which caused increasingly strained relations between Garofalo and co-host Sam Seder. Seder and the show's producer walked off in protest after Garofalo suggested he wouldn't have opposed the project if it had been "linked to Jews instead of Scientologists." Not the classiest thing to say when your co-host is one of the chosen, but then again, she was only trying to encourage people horribly traumatized by the events of 9/11 to sit in a sauna while drinking cooking oil laced with niacin. Oh, how we wish we were making that up.
No need to worry about Janeane, though. Despite ultimately leaving the radio show, she's doing just fine and still calling anyone who disagrees with her racist:
Don't get us wrong, we know there are probably plenty of those tea-bagger guys who aren't too pleased about having a black man in the White House, but in this case Garofalo's just so fucking annoying and smugly self-satisfied she's the one whose head we want to put a hood over. We finally understand how conservatives feel every time Glenn Beck opens his mouth.
What She'll Be Sacrificing for Scientology:
Glossy 8x10 picture of Winona Ryder signed "Dear Janeane, always stay relevant! Love, 1994."
3David and Victoria Beckham: Scientologists
Best Known For:
Telling us what we want, what we really, really want. Assuming (not incorrectly) that what we want are a lot of pictures of them mostly naked.
Why We Think They'll Be Next:
A couple of famewhores who love money and hate pants? Seems like a match made in the Galactic Confederacy.
England's trash became America's treasure when soccer hooligan/popular nudist David Beckham and wife, Old Spice, immigrated to our shores so David could play America's least popular sport. Tom Cruise quickly swept the couple up, no doubt trying to indoctrinate yet another rich, sexually ambiguous couple into the Scientology fold. The couple soon became BFFTIs (Best Friends For This Incarnation), and David Beckham admitted to "admiring" Cruise's beliefs and knowledge, even while denying Cruise was trying to recruit them.
"I respect any person's religion but he's never pushed anything on to us. Friends don't do that," Beckham told GQ Magazine. He failed to mention if friends also never try to kiss you, or purchase your semen to impregnate child brides with. We're pretty sure the denials would have been a bit more convincing if we hadn't heard the exact same thing from Will Smith right before he built a goddamn Scientology school.
Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has been parading Victoria around to Hollywood producers and directors in hopes of getting her acting jobs, despite all evidence pointing to the fact that neither of them can act. However, Posh IS allegedly lined up to play an alien bride in the Cruise-backed film The Thetan. Because as the Oscar-winning international blockbuster Battlefield Earth taught the world, a Scientology movie is basically a license to print money.
What They'll Be Sacrificing to Scientology:
David Beckham forced to spend two hours a week "modeling" in Tom Cruise's private art gallery. Victoria Beckham forced to wash Tom Cruise's car.
2"Celebrity" "Musicians": Scientologists
Best Known For:
Rapping; Singing while pale; Teen heart-throbbing; Nothing.
(Apparently someone at the Scientology Celebrity Center grievously misinterpreted the meaning of the word "celebrity.")
Why We Think They'll Be Next:
You'd probably guess the only thing Doug E. Fresh (rapper), Edgar Winter (albino), Leif Garret (has-been) and Frank Stallone (Frank Stallone) have in common is "they'd suck the foreskin off a hobo for a week-old taco." And you wouldn't be far off.
"There's urine in this glass! My brother's a movie star! The government is chasing my dreams!"
But along with "real-life, actually famous Scientologist" John Travolta, they were all featured on the albums The Road to Freedom and The Joy of Creating, performing music and lyrics by L. Ron Hubbard. Album sales were naturally underwhelming, but it just goes to show you: For every closeted superstar who mines the vast network of connections and influence that Scientology offers, there's a washed up rapper waiting for someone to give a shit that they signed on for the crazy too.
However, Travolta has allegedly been tasked with converting "Bolt" co-star and tween obsession Miley Cyrus to the church, so they're at least trying to trade up.
Bad news Scientology: This is trading up.
They've got pretty good odds, too, considering 16-year-olds will believe all sorts of stupid stuff you tell them, including "I'm only gonna put the tip in," "Of course I love you" and "trust me, this is the only way to clear your Thetans. Now flip over."
What They'll Be Sacrificing to Scientology:
Their careers; dignity; virginity, if Travolta did his job right.
1Sarah and Todd Palin: Scientologists
Best Known For:
Snow "Machining"; skinning moose; incredibly modest political aspirations.
Why We Think They'll Be Next:
The Palins are obviously familiar with crazy ass conspiracy theory-type organizations. For 7 years Todd was a card-carrying member of a political group that wanted Alaska to secede from the United States (to be fair, we'd let them go, but they've got all our oil and crystal meth). Sarah Palin's pretty good at denying things--climate change, dinosaurs--so refuting she's a Scientologist should come pretty naturally. And finally, they name their children like they're already Scientologists. "Piper Indy and Trigger, meet Pilot Inspektor and Cosimo Henry. We imagine you guys have a lot to talk about."
One of Sarah Palin's top advisors, and allegedly the secret driving force behind her "SarahPAC" (the organization dedicated to Palin's future presidential ambitions), is none other than John "Top Operating Thetan Level" Coale, Scientologist attack-lawyer and husband of Fox news anchor Greta Van Susteren. Recently Van Susteren was seen squiring Todd Palin to some of Washington D.C.'s most exclusive brunches and munches, though notably preventing anyone from actually, you know, talking to him.
However, she bristled at accusations she was acting as his "handler." On her blog, she wrote "I did not bring a guest to be interviewed or grilled by the press...I brought the guest so the guest could meet people and have a good social time." This was after she blew her reptilian neck-flaps out like a rabid Gila monster at anyone trying to say "hi" to the dude.
We're even more convinced the Palins have known the loving touch of an e-meter after reading the memo John Coale wrote laying out an intricate gameplan for the Church of Scientology to cultivate politicians SPECIFICALLY through the kind of Political Action Committee he's set up for Sarah Palin.
It further outlines how to get around the legal aspects of a tax-exempt "church" trying to influence political policy-makers, as well as specifying support should only go to candidates for federal office, such as President, Vice-President and members of Congress. Which gets more interesting when you find out John Coale was a vehement Hillary Clinton supporter right up until the very second she lost the Democratic Presidential nomination, whereupon he immediately switched his loyalties to Sarah Palin.
Maybe--unlike most/some/please stop suing us, Scientologists--he just likes chicks. Or perhaps, as the incredibly attractive Van Susteren (we're begging you, we've only got the one dog left), insists, the families are "simply good friends," what with all the softball, foot-rubbing interviews she gave the Palin family on Fox News over the past couple months.
But Todd and Sarah strike us as the type of weak-minded public figures that have L. Ron Hubbard jerking off in his grave. Or maybe they're just weak-minded like a fox, and realize if anyone's gonna get Sarah elected president, it's a bunch of rich, influential, functionally retarded celebrities who think we all used to exist in past lives as aliens living in societies called space operas. (Note: The only reason we provided a link is because we can no longer tell the difference between the pigshit-insane things Scientologists actually believe in and the exaggerated fake beliefs we make up when we're mocking them.)
What They'll Be Sacrificing to Scientology:
Nothing! Palin & Palin in 2012!!!
Having trouble keeping track of which celebrities believe that you're an alien rape baby? Be sure to consult our comprehensive Scientology Star Map.
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And check out Karla's original: The Top 10 Secret Celebrity Scientologists. Or find out about some action stars whose careers might benefit from jumping on the Scientology bandwagon, in 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity.
And check out Cracked.com's Top Picks for our Scientology endorsements that will hopefully stave off the lawsuits.
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