Celebrity Scientologists
As we point out in our recent article on Scientology's latest pet projects, most stars that don't already believe you're an alien rape baby are being recruited by the CoS. Here's how it breaks down:
Just The Facts
- Some of your favorite celebrities are secret scientologists.
- Sarah Palin, Will Smith, Miley Cyrus and a grab bag of other notable stars are being recruited.
- We are SO getting sued for telling you all this.
Cracked.com and Scientology
When we first blew the mother-loving lid off the engram-scrubbing den of Secret Celebrity Scientologists in 2007, we had no idea how widespread the reaction would be. We've had millions of page views, thousands of diggs, and three of our dogs murdered and flung from the back of speeding limos. According to Google, Cracked is the number one place to go for people trying to find out which famous folk are giving it up for L. Ron Hubbard. Which we'd think was great, if only our investigative team hadn't spent the last two years in hiding before they finally got drunk enough to stop worrying about crazy-ass "We will RUIN you AND kill the rest of your dogs" Scientology litigation.
If L Ron Hubbard can go from hack sci-fi writer to creating the world's most successful cult, what would happen if Stephenie Meyer (of Twilight fame) did the same?
ReplyOH SHI-
I should send her an e-mail suggesting it just to see what would happen.
I do so enjoy a good apocalypse.
$cientology-killing people like Lisa McPherson, since forever.
ReplyPalin does a lot of things that make her look crazy, but I'm pretty sure she isn't a Scientologist. Same with Seinfeld- wasn't he sued by scientologists after mocking them in an episode?
ReplyWe are SO getting sued for telling you all this made me lulz.
ReplyI laughed too, than I cried a little. It's so true that it's sad. They are noted for sueing anyone who so much as hints at something negative about them. How is it Liable if it's true?
alright so in fear of looking/sounding like a nit-picky d-bag i have to address the annoyance that has bugged the balls outta me lately. you don't say "BFF'S" that would mean "BEST FRIENDS FOREVER'S" "BFF" suffices. it's like saying "I LOL'ED" No you didn't. "I LAUGH OUT LOUD'ED"?
ReplyMy sack! you are a nit-picky d-bag if ever any existed. Do you jizz your pants everytime you explain to someone that nobody ever said "Beam Me up, Scotty!" in Star Trek or that most of the world refers to "soccer" as "football"? Seriously, f**k you.
@Cixelsid i think you mean that you lot refer to 'football' as 'soccer' we invented it.
98% of the planet believes in something - call it xenu, call it jesus, call it ishmael for all I care - because they need to believe in something. 1.9% of the planet claims to believe in nothing because it'll piss off their daddy. 0.1% actually don't believe in anything but nobody cares enough about them to ask them why. It's like good and evil - never met anyone that didn't believe in the concept of g&e, I've only met a buncha ppl that called it by different names. You're human, you're unable to believe you're evil, totally incapable of objectivity but a mythical sky entity will be right up your alley. All religion is the same. The only difference is in the packaging and the cost. Xenu costs more than Jesus so, of course, every nutbag with moolah (i.e. every actor ever) wants in. With that kinda push, you can't wonder why Elron is the richest dead guy ever. The only reason Elvis worship isn't right up there with the whole xenu thing is because rich actors trump trailer trash rednecks that see the King every other weekend.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesbut scientology doesn't offer to explain anything about the universe. Religions have to assert something supernatural exists. Scientology doesn't. Xenu isn't a deity to them- it still doesn't explain or offer to explain the origins of the universe or life, it dismisses human history rather than embrace human history, and its own creator didn't espouse it.
I notice a distinct lack of sources to your arguments. Hmm...
Also, you failed to mention sun-worshipers. After all, 105% of people worship the sun.
Like George Carlin said, "I worship the Sun. I can see it."
I don't believe in Xenu, God, or evil. Things happen and we react. The end. There's a lot of things I dislike, even hate, but those things aren't "evil". That's just silly.
that's a little odd since 22% of America is Atheist/Agnostic and we have one of the LOWEST rates in the 1st world (woo Sweden at like 57%)
i also think that we're going to see a lot more of the B list celebs jumping on board just for the attention alone. Tom Cruse may be crazy but he knows that if he can keep in the media spotlight, doesn't matter if it's for good or bad reasons, he'll still be asked to make films.
Replywell, his star is fading it would seem....thankfully.
Incidentally scientology was best parodied by the simpsons "the joys of sect"
Replythey treat the famous members real good and give em a personal entorouge, they act as advertisin for getting the plebs to join the cult and literally become property of the guys who run it as a bussiness
if you leave out the theton s**t, this is basically like an extreme version of those guys who force poor bastards into buying timeshares and then repossessing their house because they can't pay the maintenence "costs"
No no, the best satire of Scientology was South Park "Trapped in the Closet." Travolta, Cruise, and R.Kelly hiding in the closet, the leader calling Stan an idiot for actually falling for this crap, and a full minute blatant dare to Scientologists to sue was just too awesome for words.
Most of these people probably aren't really true believers (at least I HOPE not)- it's just the club to belong to at the moment. Christianity got started the same way- when Emperor Constantine realized that this Christ cult was gaining some sway, he decided to back the winning horse (although I'm sure someone can fine-tune my historical accuracy). Remember when everyone had the hots for Buddhism and started throwing around words like "Zen" and "Tao" a couple of years back (and some still do)? So maybe this is just a fad that will go away, or maybe the rest of us are going to be burned as heretics by the new One True Faith someday.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesexcept you dont pay thousands of dollars to study christianity.
@yohowruman : Look up "tithing".
Tithing isn't a central thing though. Some people pay money to their church so the church can do things. Some people don't. They don't pay money to understand more or uncover secrets.
but how did Buddhism survive until then? And Taoism is different than buddhism. And cult of personality is still different than "cult". Don't confuse the two.
I made a quick stop-over at the Scientology.org website, just to see what all the hub-bub was about. Yes, it sounds like a great big hot mess of three different kinds of crazy, but I can see why wealthy, direction-less celebrities are so into it. It's just Christianity with a "fadish" twist. The tenants are not that much different, they just have weird space names. Kinda like throwing some velveeta onto a hot pocket and calling it a gourmet dinner. Hubbard was just regurgitating tired old religious beliefs shaped into a new format, designed to entice the rich, the bored, the lost.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOh well, the rich have always been easy marks. Whenever someone has an inordinate amount of money, there will always be someone waiting in the wings to bilk them out of it. I'm just saying that organized religion, in all forms, has usually been quite successful at squeezing money from humanity since the idea of religion was conceived...and scientology does not seem to be any different in that respect.
"It's just Christianity with a 'fadish' twist." Yeah, it could look that way based on just their website. What they don't advertise is that after spending a lot of time and money with them, and when you're "ready", they tell you the truth: Christianity, like all other religions, are just the errant ghosts of beings called Thetans from waaaaaayyyyyy back, infesting your brain. Seems a guy named Xenu murdered a whole bunch of Thetans, trillions of years ago on Earth and their spirits are now stuck to us.
Geez, someone really needs to locate and read Clam Bake. I'd link it, but I don't really feel like being sued at the moment.
Remember Lisa McPherson. Check it out using Google.
Hey! Just ot let you know, if somebody already hasn't (I will freely admit that I was too lazy to check), Victoria Beckham is unlabeled... And Danny Masterson still gets work! Sometimes!
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesOtherwise, it was a well written and humrous article.
They will kill you for it.
Oh, and "Indikator?" Not only are most of the commentors probably far from "jesus lovin ppl," but Scientologists are, as far as I can tell, Christians. Say something logical or sod off, aye?
"Scientologists are, as far as I can tell, Christians"
Xenu is in the bible?
except that christians kind of stopped the whole 'buying indulgences' thing a couple hundred years ago.
I think you're mixing up Scientology and Christian Science. It's okay, I made the same mistake for a while.
I don't remember the part of the bible where God decided his name was Xenu and played with a volcano, I concede I could have missed it though.
Christians believe in Christ (thus, the name)...Scientologists have nothing to do with Christians
I think (hope) their point was that an alien dropping souls into a volcano is no more insane than a mystical superbeing that popped itself into existence, created the world and then sent down his zombie son/self to get killed for our sins (somehow).
Josephus documented the fact that Jesus, at the VERY LEAST, existed.
$cientology makes you pay for their "information". You can go to any church, and get a Bible for no charge. Logical? You're comment is illogical, Melikian.
it's like mormons, but with success!
ReplyAnd all the more terrifying because of it...
there are more Mormons and mormons don't hide their oddities.
All religion are bullshit! there is no f*****g God, so u jesus lovin ppl are just as crazy as these idiots.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesSuck all the dicks.
Indikator has the right idea
I love it when Christians that I know make fun of Scientology.
Sucking all the dicks would be fun, that it not an insult, well actually not ALL the dicks, no gross ones or ones below 7 inches.
You may not believe in God, just as most people don't believe you're worth anything...doesn't make you any less real
and when was the last time a christian tried to sue you into silence?
jesus loves you.
Scientologists = batshit crazy. But then, maybe our tiny, only human brains are incapable of comprehending the absolute genius of believing total bullshit... until you pay craploads of money. Then it all comes clear. o.O seriously, wtf...
Replylol.. nice
Replyhttp://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1846644
Replyf**k that, Seinfeld was anything but canceled. He walked out with the number one rating.
ReplyWhile I'm certainly no fan of Scientology,I sometimes wonder about Christian Churches!!!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesExamples:Last Year,Both The Texas and US Supreme Courts threw out the lawsuit against the Assembly of God Church.
Seems that back in 1996;a then 17 yo girl suddenly stood up and started screaming during a Wednesday Night Church Service in an Assembly of God Church in Colleyville,Texas.*
(*A Suburb of Fort Worth).
Anyway,a Youth Minister and some other parishioners suddenly jumped up and grabbed her and held her against her will for two days claiming"She Was Possessed By Demons and Needed An Exorcism!!".
Since then,she understandbly left the church and left town on the next thing smokin'!!!
Yet,Both Supreme Courts Ruled Against Her Claiming"It Didn't Violate Her Freedom!!".
Uh Huh!!Granted,Someone Suddenly Jumping Up and Screaming During a Church Service Isn't Something To Take Lightly!!
However,A Bunch Of Folks Suddenly Jumping On Top Of You And Holding You Against Your Will Ain't Exactly"Getting Your Kicks on Route 66"Either!!
But,If Scientology Does It,We Scream"MIND CONTROL CULT!!!"But If A Fundevangelical Christian Church Does It,We Say"Theyr'e Just Practising Their Freedom of Religion!!".
Uh Huh!!What's The Difference??Not a Damned Thing!!!
"Rave On Children,
I'm With You!!!
Rave On Cats!!"
He Cried.
"It's Almost Dawn
And The Cops Are Gone,
Let's All Get Dixie Fried!!".
-Carl Perkins:"Dixie Fried".
way to ruin the mood of comedy........
I think the main difference is one of scale. That 17 year old girl did not die, covered in bedsores and bug bites, of dehydration (google: Lisa MacPherson). The leadership of Co$ is purely evil: They intimidate and harass critics, they build their wealth on the back of slave labour (a lot of those slaves children), they fracture families, they infiltrate governments for illegal purposes, they convince psychotic people to quit their meds (who then turn around and - surprise! - kill other people) and lots more.
Please go to http://www.xenu.net/ to learn more.
Wait, I know they are evil, but Child Labour? Really? Also, you're not allowed to have medical attention.
Its hard to read with your odd paragraph structure and strange punctuation and spelling, but I think I get your drift. I judge those churches just as harshly as I do Scientology. Its all evil in all kinds of different forms.
CanadianBroad is correct-Google "Lisa McPherson".
Speaking of weird celebrities, wanna get a laugh at poor ole Jacko's expense? Check out http://michael-jackson-dead-jokes.blogspot.com/. We put the D in Distasteful!
Replylol joepaper i know right, but they prey on weak people, i live in clearwater, florida and watching them walk around the downtown area is like watching robots, and actually the st. pete times finally wrote a good article about their cult from x members.
Replyhttp://www.tampabay.com/specials/2009/reports/project/
It almost makes you miss the Moonies. Good ol' Florida, home to all kids of crazy. I love living here.