5 Staggeringly Dumb Causes People Are Actually Fighting For
Sometimes, lost causes are the only ones worth fighting for. Hunger, war, disease, they'll always be with us, but caring souls will always fight to raise awareness about these issues.
Others, however, have a different idea. These brave types have latched onto other lost causes. Ones that, quite frankly, deserve to be lost. Such as:
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) want to buy a retired Maine jail for two hundred thousand dollars to set up a "Lobster Empathy Center," a place where the plight of scrumptious seafood can be likened to a heavy-handed and inaccurate metaphor.
Yes, in a world where there are still children with no address other than "whichever bridge Bob the Rapist isn't sleeping under tonight," PETA decides the best use for a building specifically designed to house large numbers of people is to campaign for the imaginary rights of animals with nervous systems so primitive they can survive for several minutes after being cut in half.
This lobster is too stupid to realize how ridiculous it looks.
A couple of hints, PETA:
1) These publicity stunts always end up with you looking retarded. Haven't you noticed this?
2) Except the ones that get Naomi Campbell naked, those ones are fine.
3) You may have better luck campaigning on behalf of less delicious animals.
4) Natalie Portman is very popular. Just a thought.
"I want to take my clothes off for lobsters."
Seriously, what could be more pointless than this?
A Bill of Rights for Plants
In what we can only assume is a brave attempt to starve sanctimonious vegans to death, the Swiss government's "Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology" has issued a document outlining the ethical treatment of plants, apparently with an eye toward getting it placed into law.
Which means that, as well as making sure your date consents, you now have to ask permission of the roses you bring. Though the document generously allows that "any action with or towards plants that serves the self-preservation of humans morally justified." So if you ever find yourself locked in a life-or-death struggle with a Triffid feel free to fight back without fear of a stern letter with a Swiss postmark.
Livejournal User Rights
Back in March of 2008, Livejournal users rallied to the cry for a boycott of the service because they weren't consulted about some changes to the site. It's true, Facebook doesn't have a monopoly on huge community overreaction to minor changes.
A Google search reveals over fourteen thousand posts about the Livejournal boycott (taking 'lj' and the fact many users can't spell boycott into account) - and while Livejournal claims a population twice that of Switzerland (albeit a much more emo and Naruto-obsessed population than Switzerland could ever dream of), only about a hundred and forty thousand update daily. So this boycott stood to deliver a significant blow. But did it?
Hmmm... you know, we may have spotted the flaw in the cunning plan of posting on Livejournal about a boycott on Livejournal posting. And in true internet fashion, fully half of the strike posts were calling the strikers fags, another quarter were "I support them but won't do it myself," and we're sure at least four entries were slash porn on the subject.
The most serious effects of the strike were summarized by one user, who commented "it was so weird reading some good fanfic but not able to comment."
Changing the world isn't easy, dude.
Negative Portrayal of Snakes in Movies
Hey, remember Snakes on a Plane? The horrible movie/meme combination that dominated geek culture for like an entire year?
Well, allegedly to protest the inaccurate portrayal of snakes in the movie (but more likely because he's always wanted to), Pennsylvanian man Jesse Rothacker covered himself in snakes. Some believe this supports the theory that Pennsylvanians will do literally anything that bears a promise of maybe not being in Pennsylvania anymore, even if that alternative is being inside a snake.
We should point out that Mr. Rothacker runs the "Forgotten Friends Reptile Sanctuary," so maybe the frustration of spending eight hours a day trying to convince people that what their home really needs is a few more snakes drove him to these extremes. Oh, and he's on record protesting that he should be allowed to carry concealed firearms in public parks.
"I just want to be left alone with my snakes and my guns. In a park. At night."
He's right, you know. Compared to a darkened park full of dudes with guns jammed down their pants, a plane full of snakes is probably a pretty fucking safe place to be.
Asperger's Pride Movement
If you don't know what Asperger's is, welcome to the internet!
Asperger's is a real disorder for some, but has turned into a kind of "get out of self-improvement free" card for legions of socially awkward Pokemon fans. This latter group doesn't care about your "medical credentials," "basic common sense" or even "knowing people who actually do have Aspergers." This syndrome they read about on Wikipedia once is their winning lottery ticket to a life of never having to learn how to interact with other humans. Welcome to the Aspergian Pride movement.
The Asperger's aficionados are even pushing their own "Aspergers Passport," an orange band you can wear to show support.
Yes, exactly like the yellow LiveStrong bracelet. You see, equating their struggle with that of cancer survivors is the kind of "this has to be a mental illness" assholism that marks the Asperger's sufferer.
In fact, as stated on Aspergia.com's mission statement, this crippling (and easily self-diagnosed) condition actually makes the sufferer better than you. Their checklist of nerd delusion identifies Aspergia as:
a) a superpower
b) a mutation
c) the next stage in human evolution
d) the legacy of a lost utopian civilization
Actual Asperger's sufferer.
We only wish we were kidding about that last one. Presumably in this Aspergian wonderland the faucets ran with Mountain Dew and there were infinite moms who cooked infinite dinners who never ever sobbed in private. It isn't explicitly stated that females in this land were impressed by knowledge of Star Trek episodes rather than physical prowess, but it's pretty heavily implied.
For movies that are depressing for a whole other reason check out Rick's look at 5 Awesome Movies Ruined By Last-Minute Changes. Or find out about some action stars whose careers had a less than happy ending in 5 Movie Martial Artists That Lost a Deathmatch to Dignity.