Boy, we work hard at the Cracked offices. Sure, we don't have to do any heavy lifting or moving of any kind. And sure, the only real "work" we do generally involves watching TV and writing stupid dick jokes about whatever we see. And sure, we rarely even get out of our chairs. And, fine, we don't have uniforms or bosses or schedules or anything even resembling real jobs.
But it's Labor Day Weekend, dammit, and we are going to appreciate the hell out of ourselves with some hardcore barbecuing and some hardercore drinking.
Labor Day Rules!
The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to Go Green
Finally, a reasonable argument to support our "Destroy Coldplay to Save the Planet" campaign.
Notable Comment: Here's our impression of the comments: "Waaaahhh. Waaaaahhh blah blah blah Global Warming is a myth wwwaaaahhhhh Al Gore is gay waaaaahhhhhh toilet paper waaahhh Coldplay. Waaaaahhhhh
The 10 Most Shameless Product Placements in Movie History
If we weren't so busy eating these delicious new Cooler Ranch Doritos, we'd write a letter of complaint to the studio heads right now. Instead, we'll just wash it down with an ice cold refreshing Diet Dr Pepper.
Notable Comment: CodyCastor says "I've posted like a thousand comments on this damn site, and have yet to receive any compensation from Domino's. I think Cracked is burgling my royalties. Eat Domino's pizza--it's slightly better than gas station burritos!" Haha, thanks Cody. You keep writing them, and we'll keep cashing Domino's sweet, sweet checks.
5 Scientific Experiments Most Likely to End the World
Well, Earth, you've had a good run, but it's about time to call it quits, don't you think? No? Well, we're gonna blow you up anway.
Notable Comment: T.C. says "I'm using the LHC as an excuse to get laid with as many hot girls as possible. "Baby, the world is gonna end!" *shows Cracked article*" Hm. Let us know the outcome of this. If girls are actually willing to bone based solely on an article here, that would, uh... that would be important information to pass onto all of the writers...[Please work, please work, please work.]
The 5 Lamest Disasters in Disaster Movie History
In honor of Disaster Movie, which will also be a disaster, but of a completely different nature.
Notable Comment: Ruby_Tuesday_83 says "can I just point out nothing living can just stand beside lava then run away no matter how slow it's going. The temperature alone would burn that dogs face off." Uh, did you see the movie? A dog stood next to the lava, and then ran off with its face totally intact. So, to answer your question, No, you cannot point this out. Also, Ruby Tuesday sucks. Big time.
MOTHER GOOSE RULES!
Disturbing Origins of 5 Common Nursery Rhymes
It's like 300, but for kids!
Notable Comment: For the second time in Cracked History, one poster will make the coveted Notable Comments section twice in one article! CodyCastor calls out basically everyone in the comment section when he says "The nursery rhyme_____isn't about_____. It's about the time when_____did_____to______way back in_____. I could have shot over to Wikipedia in a pathetic attempt to fill in these blanks and sound like I'm intelligent. I didn't, though, because being an expert on fucking nursery rhymes is nothing to be proud of. Assholes." It's like he can read our minds.
YOU YOU YOU!
10 Important News Stories as Depicted by 5-Year-Olds
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about: Advertising Techniques from the Future. Insider tip: A whole bunch of swastikas does not equal "funny."
The new "Thor" movie has a slightly smaller CGI budget than "Iron Man" and "Hulk".
"ok mom, so I didn't make honor roll...Do i still get a car for 4 D's & an incomplete in gym?"
"Follow me to the barn son"
It's more of a suggestion anyway
The grave of Nicholas O. Parking...
Rest in peace.
The first lolcat, circa 1903, Germany
"Well, to be honest George, when you said you mounted some pussy this weekend, I kind of thought that... well, you know what - it's not important. This is very nice..."
Just Seconds After This Picture Was Taken, The Man Moved The Smaller Statue Counter Clock-Wise, And Laughed Quietly To Himself.
High School was a cruel and awkward time, even for Satan.
After seeing this, the animal control department unanimously decided that something must be done about the squirrels.
Allstate Man: "If a tree f***s you up in a car accident, will you be covered? Don't hope so, know so."
Menelaus: "It's taking too long!! you havent even got to the head yet!!"
Odysseus:"what about a horse....that'd be quicker"
what will you do if zombies bite your house?
Decapitate the house zombie.
I think there's a... wait for it... QUACK in her windshield.
I'm here all week.
Sometimes the best way to survive a car crash is to duck
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.