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The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to Go Green
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With the threat of global warming looming, it's more important than ever that all of us appear to care about the environment. Maybe no one works harder on this than celebrities, who make it a point to show up in the papers every now and then with their latest eco-friendly gesture. We would applaud them for this, if it wasn't for the fact that the gestures are often mind-blowingly retarded. #7.
Paul McCartney Gets a Hybrid... Flown to Him by Private Jet
Earlier this year, Paul McCartney bought (or may have been given) a hybrid car from Lexus, after he had done some promotional work for them. See! This is what John Lennon was singing about, people. So What's the Problem? The car was specially flown in from Japan, thus creating several hundred times more emissions than it would ever save. Reports differ as to whether or not McCartney bought the car and demanded it be flown to him, or if Lexus took it upon themselves to send it to him to make McCartney look like even more of a dick than he usually does.
In an interview, McCartney claimed to be horrified by the whole thing, but he couldn't talk for long as he had to go protect animals from potential forest fires by chopping down the Amazon rain forest. It Could Have Been Worse... He could have left it in the plane, then just had the plane fly him around England while he sat behind the wheel making engine sounds. #6.
Jennifer Aniston Brushes Her Teeth in the Shower
On the eve of Al Gore's Live Earth gigs in July 2007, Jennifer Aniston said that because every two minutes of showering uses as much water as an African person has for an entire day, she restricts herself to a three minute shower (why fuck just one African's day up?). Also, she pointed out that she brushes her teeth in the shower to save on water, and that she painted her house green so it could be powered by photosynthesis.
OK, we made the last one up. So What's the Problem? For the moment we'll forgive the fact that dentists say it takes two minutes to brush your teeth properly, leaving Jennifer only one minute in the shower to clean the rest of her body (though perhaps making it clearer why Brad Pitt left her).
The bigger problem is that two minutes of brushing in the shower uses about five gallons of water, where two minutes of modest faucet usage (even if you're the type who leaves it running the whole time) only uses about two gallons. You don't need a spreadsheet to tell you which one saves the most water. Also, we can say from personal experience that you can save way more water than either method by simply not showering at all. It Could Have Been Worse... She could have suggested just taking your toothpaste and brush to the car wash, then sticking your head out of the window as you go through. #5.
Sheryl Crow Uses One Sheet of Toilet Paper Per Visit
Sheryl Crow took time out from her role as least offensive musician ever to tell people to use only one square of toilet paper back in April 2007. Crow had been touring, so we've got a feeling she came up with the "one square" idea after an incident on the tour bus that we never, ever want to hear about. So What's the Problem? We don't know about you, but there have definitely been times when one sheet of toilet paper just isn't enough. And that's every time.
Crow helpfully suggests that we can use two or three sheets for when that rare, exceptional shit calls for it. Now, without getting too graphic here, let's just say that after a night out involving a case of beer and a heap of heavily-spiced Indian food, two or three sheets would be nothing more than a preliminary damage assessment. Crow later tried to pretend she had meant it all as a joke, but this was probably after she realized everyone was sitting on the opposite side of the tour bus from her.
It Could Have Been Worse... Crow could have taken her war against paper wastage to above anal levels and suggested making clothing with built-in napkins on the sleeves. Oh wait, she already did. #4.
Woody Harrelson Has "Vegan" Clothes... Flown by Private Jet
Woody Harrelson was apparently a huge activist for environmental causes even before it became fashionable. He even boasts that he wears "vegan" clothes. We're not sure what constitutes vegan clothes, but we like to imagine Woody leaving bacon and sausages by his closet overnight, then smiling approvingly when he finds them untouched in the morning. So What's the Problem? Woody was attending the Cannes Film Festival this year and took part in a Charity Poker event with other celebrities like Salma Hayek and Tim Robbins, but once there he noticed he had forgotten his favorite vegan shoes and belt.
At this point he did what any of us would have done, and had them flown in from California on a private jet. Actually, upon further consideration, we wouldn't have done that. We would have probably sat at the card table naked from the waist down and yelled "Poker? Damn near killed 'er!" over and over again while staring Salma Hayek right in the eye and rhythmically thrusting our hips in her general direction.
We're rarely, if ever, invited to poker nights. It Could Have Been Worse... He could have found a gravy stain on his favorite vegan shirt, and had it flown to California and back to be washed at a special vegan dry cleaner. Or even worse, he could have found out that it was chicken gravy and loudly accused the shirt of eating meat behind his back. |
I'm not saying celebrities aren't dumb-asses, (with the heart-breaking exception of Jennifer Aniston,) but I think they realize what they are doing are symbolic gestures meant for getting out a message. (McCartney driving a hydrogen car sends a better message than McCartney driving a gold-plated cement truck, regardless of how it was shipped to him.) To criticize the means by which a famous person establishes this message requires us to criticize the President for promoting environmentalism and then hopping on his 747.
As for the 10 000 scientist mentioned below, name a few of them for me, so I can look up their credentials. Because global warming is real. Before you disagree, ask yourself this question: What reason do research scientists (much more than 10 000) have to exaggerate or lie about this global warming ‘myth?’ The immediate economic ramifications of trying to stop global warming affects their lifestyles as much as any other working class shnook. The only people who have a reason to lie, are the people who have profits to be lost by the changes that have to be made..
In other words, your 10 000 scientists can most likely be divided into two groups: Those working with faulty data, and working for General Motors.
What's sadder? An intelligent human being believing in global warming despite 10,000 scientists + telling us it's a complete crock of s**t? Or an idiotic celebrity trying their hardest to show how gullible they are and make an insane gesture that reeks of hypocrisy?
This question belongs in the category of Yes, we're all really just descendants of s**t chucking apes and any attempts to prove otherwise will end up covered in fecal matter....probably from the dung from Sheryl Crowe's nasty ass.
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I brush my teeth in the shower to save time, I know that much. At least im not some attention whore celebrity fuckass trying to look like I care about something important. Also f**k al gore, I wish hed get fat and hary again so I could laugh at him once more.
Yaeh, Why is Greenland icy and IceLand green, its all backwords people! and as far as Sheryl crows ass, Id hit that for a dollar! Brad Pitt left Aniston cuz Angelina gave Tyler what he needed. BWaAa.
Global warming? Oh s**t, get off the planet!
I wonder how many trees it takes to make a Sheryl Crow signature series guitar by Gibson? I'd think at least a couple thousand ass-wipings worth?
Whoah whoah, hold on a second.
The author's name is D. Knight.
Whoah.
Uh, Jennifer Aniston's shower-thing still saves an assload of money. Are you familiar with the concept of things accumulating over time?
to vicjperry; how do you clean the s**t form under your fingernail? With your teeth?
who cares were all gonna die anyways.
Who the f**k is Razorlight?
Nothing wrong with using one sheet of bumwad! Poke hole through center, insert finger, wipe, pull paper over finger! Clean finger and Jimmy Carter still has enough trees left over to build 10 subdivisions in the Amazon!
I don't use toilet paper. I run naked through tall grass in the morning.
Jesus. Do a little research. The Vikings called Greenland "Greenland" because they wanted people to bypass their much more hospitable island called "Iceland."
"I don't have a square to spare! I can't spare a square!"
HA! Remember that, you guys? Remember? Do you? DO YOU?!...DON'T JUST NOD TO MAKE ME GO AWAY! REALLY ANSWER THE QUESTION! DO YOU REMEMBER THE EPISODE OF THE T.V. SHOW I AM REFERENCING OR NOT, GODDAMMIT?!
and another thing, its not even global warming anymore, want to know why? BECAUSE THE EARTH ISNT GETTING ANY HOTTER RIGHT NOW! the global tempuratutre peaked about a year ago and has started to go down. So what did Al Gore and his friends do? If you said give up then you either dont know Al Gore or your capable of rational thought. No, they changed it to "climate change", because everybody know that change in the climate is bad and everything should stay the same for all eternity.
heres what pisses me off, that live earth concert (which was held in austrailia, so they had to fly EVERYBODY in) used more electicity than was saved by austrailias vonlentary blackout TIMES 5
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kvinnan86
I'm tired of many of the aspects of the go-green movement. How eating vegan, wearing hemp shoes, and whoring myself out to eventually afford solar panels is really going to save the world, I'd like to know. What needs to happen is stop drilling for oil and running cars on gasoline. That alone will make a big difference. Then I can keep my bottled water, leather shoes, and punctuality to work (via driving instead of riding a bike).