As you'll notice on the front page, this week was all about Batman. We told him to chill out, we played with toy versions of him, we invented toys for him to play with. And then there were our non-Batman articles, which paid homage to the villains of The Dark Knight by making you laugh uncomfortably, while melting your face off. We're sure the Craptions paid homage to Alfred and Lucius Fox, though we haven't quite decided how yet.
You've gone a whole week without hating anything, let Gladstone teach you how to hate again. If you're already filled with hatred, Michael Swaim will tell you why the future is here, and it sucks. Or, allow Ross Wolinsky to show you how to get to the front page of Digg while introducing you to the most dangerous piece of fruit to ever wear a cape.
6 Retarded Gas Saving Schemes (People Are Actually Trying)
Hot tip for the Presidential Candidates! Apparently there are two things America hates more than high gas prices: rational thought and science.
Notable Comment: Kjm16216 wondered, "If you added a little water into the piston with every stroke, in essence creating a high humidity chamber in there, wouldn't you get more power out of the same volume of fuel? Because the water vapor is an incompressible gas, it should expand more efficiently than ambient air." We were just surprised Kjm16216 managed to continue typing with both hands after the opening sentence about adding moisture to the chamber with every stroke of the piston.
Is it Time For Batman to Tone it Down?
Dear Batman, It'd be GREAT if you could chill the fuck out with the terrifying voice and the appearing out of nowhere. Thanks, Jaywalkers of Gotham
Notable Comment:Thejammaster points out "He says 'haunting' not 'haunted.' How would haunted even make sense? Sorry to burst like all 10 of your bubbles." Oh, dear. So, remember when you smugly corrected everyone? Yeah, you were wrong. Also? You have a bad sense of humor. But ... hey! It sounds like the whole jamming thing is working out.
LIES LIES LIES!
Where Are They Now: 6 "Stars" of Embarrassing Viral Videos
So apparently, shooting yourself in an incredibly ironic way won't provide the shot in the ass your law enforcement career so desperately needs.
Notable Comment: JayleBayt said, "I can't stop laughing about the Grape Stomping Lady! I can't get that awful sound out of my head!" We've always found that the proper response to awful sounds in your head is weeping, but uncontrollable laughter works too.
20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants
You know what makes the whole parenting thing a lot easier? Humiliating your baby.
Notable Comment: Anaughtybear says, "I consider breeding to be pollution. This especially true of all the stupid babies," leading us to conclude that he sort of missed the target of our article, or he has confused the words breeding and pooping your pants. In which case we couldn't agree more.
Man's 6 Most Ridiculous Attempts To Take On Mother Nature
Sometimes animals can be good companions, and sometimes they can bring an entire town to a grinding halt and then proceed to put their hand on our head like school yard bullies while we helplessly flail at them and weep. This article is not about the good companions.
Notable Comment: Kristoff45 says, "Ah, stupidity of a so-called advanced species. It makes me feel all tingly inside, and makes me feel so smrt!" which either means that he's a typing monkey or our articles continue their three-month streak of bringing at least one reader to spontaneous and unexplained orgasm.
YOU YOU YOU!
20 Everyday Items If They Were Designed for Batman
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about: Features You Want Included In The Next iPhone
In a weird dimension action figures collect Asians.
"Yeah, yeah. We'll surrender to our new overlords in a minute. Just let us finish this game."
"Can you BELIEVE they didn't even let us audition!? Hundred bucks says Iron Man is gonna suck now."
Well, to make a cool robot suit you have to crack a few eggs...you know, just to get the arms right.
Evidence of the final Spring Break in Pompei
"Those naked vomiting statues are absolutely crude!"
"What if we cover them up with horse feces?"
ìWeapons of ass destruction.î
"You must choose wisely, In Diana Jones."
Given his size, everyone was reluctant to point out to George that the River Thames was slightly to his left.
"Hmm, the guy said he'd meet me here and that I would probably notice him. So where the fuck is he?"
"Good day ma'am. May I have a moment to tell you of the teachings of the good Lord Captain Planet?"
Ted never really was the same after waking from his vegatative state...
Sick of being told he had no sense of humor, GOD decided the next plague would be funny and horrible.
Bob knew he had a SERIOUS drinking problem when he somehow managed to drive his house through the Kindergarten playground.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.