Man's 6 Most Ridiculous Attempts To Take On Mother Nature

Humans and animals live in peace for the most part, and many of us enjoy the company of a faithful dog to fetch our slippers or a sinister monkey to pick pockets from tourists while we grind our organ.

But every so often a group of animals get out of hand and humans need to set their massive intellect to the task of dealing with them. And usually, it goes hilariously wrong:

While the average North American is apt to think monkeys are all super cute and wear human clothes, they become less cute when you consider that, in India, they're known to roam neighborhoods in gangs. They break into houses to steal food, or just hang out and pleasure themselves. The deputy mayor of Delhi actually died from a monkey attack, trying to fight off a screeching swarm of the things before tumbling off his balcony.

Adding to the problem is the fact that in many parts of India, monkeys are revered animals (the monkey god Hanuman is so widely worshiped, he was named the chairman of an Indian business school). Monkeys are not allowed to be trapped or killed and many people will leave food out for the monkeys, only to find out that such kind gestures often go unrewarded in monkeydom.

The "Solution"

The city of Delhi decided that fighting fire with fire was the only way to take on the monkey problem and has started making use of langurs (small apes that are bigger than the monkeys already causing problems) to protect buildings and scare off the little jerks.

Experts say this solution ranges from "stupid" to Planet of the Apes. There is apparently a pretty good chance that in time, the two species of monkey will end up living peacefully. Peacefully with each other, that is, and not with the humans. Humans have a thing about not getting along peacefully with wild animals.

At this point we're assuming they'll need to get even larger monkeys to get rid of the problem they've created until one day there's nothing but monkeys of various sizes roaming the streets, and all the people have to move down the road a few miles.

Every so often, for whatever reason, a whale ends up on a beach. Since whales are one of the creatures mankind likes, often this gets media attention and people come together to keep the animal moist and comfortable. Unfortunately the whales don't always survive this, which is unfortunate for both the whale and the poor bastard who has jurisdiction over cleaning up the beach.

In 1970, a whale ended up on the beach in Florence, Oregon. That's a small town, and one not equipped with a whale removal kit or anything that can really move the eight-ton carcass of a sperm whale.

The "Solution"

We're going to guess that this is one of those problems that seemed unsolvable until the team in charge got a few beers in them. We like to imagine a few guys hanging out in a bar after hours, pondering the situation, when one of them looks up from the pool table and says, "Dude, I've got it! Where can we get some dynamite?"

So 1,000 pounds of TNT later, the beach and the surrounding area was showered with a rain of rotting whale. The gathered crowd got a nice coating of molten whale blubber, and a giant slab flew over a quarter of a mile and crushed a man's car. Most of the whale, however, stayed right where it was on the beach.

Whale removal experts all over the world watched the situation closely, and apparently decided it was the most awesome fucking thing they had ever seen. Today, disposing of a whale via explosion is common practice (though if possible, the whale will be dragged out to sea first).

The reason is that if you don't explode the whale, it'll explode on its own. When whales die and rot, they become big gassy balloons of horror. Ask the people of Tainan, Taiwan. In 2004 they had a 50-ton whale that they were transporting down the street on the back of a truck. It exploded its guts all over bystanders, cars and shop fronts, like a pinata at Satan's birthday party.

As if Indian monkey gangs weren't bad enough, in Kenya the monkeys are basically unrestrained, drunken frat boy villains from a bad '80s movie.

In the small Kenyan village of Nachu, about 300 asshole monkeys make a habit of stealing the village's crops on a daily basis. And sure, that's a pain in the ass but hey, they're hungry. Where the people of Nachu draw the line is when the monkeys started sexually harassing the village women.

The monkeys are typically afraid of males, but have taken to mocking the women who try to save the grain out in the fields. According to one woman, the monkeys gesture at them while "pointing at their private parts" like tiny, hairy construction workers on their lunch break.

The "Solution"

The female workers attempted to trick the monkeys by wearing men's clothing, at which point the monkeys would reportedly point at the breasts and then continue to steal potatoes. Seriously.

The villagers have begged for help from the Kenyan Wildlife Service, who we're assuming wrote the whole thing off as an elaborate prank (they admit they had never seen that kind of monkey behavior before). They did eventually send in a team to observe the monkeys and, since it's illegal to just shoot the little bastards, to "relocate" them somehow.

We're going to say right now that whatever plan they come up with to try to deceive and round up the horny monkeys will go down in history as the wackiest thing to ever actually happen. It will probably involve a man in a monkey costume wearing a dress, and at one point all of the wild monkeys will wind up running amuck in a snooty restaurant.