6 Retarded Gas Saving Schemes (People Are Actually Trying)

With gas prices skyrocketing and 65 payments left on the Escalade, America is looking for ways to cut back. In these desperate times we'll do whatever is necessary, as long as it doesn't involve driving less.

Fortunately there are a number of fuel-saving alternatives that are easy, inexpensive and completely idiotic. Such as ...

What is it?
There are countless variations of these devices on the market, but they all come down to hunks of metal with blades that supposedly break up the air and swirl it around on its way into the engine. According to the ads, they're a precisely-engineered piece of futuristic alien technology designed to rock your world. According to Popular Mechanics, they're "something we could make in about 10 minutes from an old soda can."

Intake Twister: $20 on eBay

Soda can: free in the back alley

You can decide who you would rather believe.

What's it supposed to do?
The vanes on this thing whip the air into a little mini-tornado. This is somehow supposed to mix up the fuel more thoroughly with the air so you get a better burn. Apparently all the moron car designers at these multi-billion dollar companies were too stupid to figure this out, so these guys had to make this product for all of us to enjoy the power of the tornado!

What will it really do?
Depending on which one you use, you'll get either nothing or a 20 percent decrease in your fuel efficiency. Of course, there is something to the whole swirling air and fuel thing. That's why engines are already designed to take advantage of it, and have been for decades.

They went to school for this

The difference is that car manufacturers design their systems with high tech equipment and quality materials--not some craptastic scrap metal. When Popular Mechanics did their test on the Intake Twister, they were actually afraid to install this thing for fear that it would perform less like a fuel optimizer and more like deadly shrapnel once it fell apart.

These devices continue to sell and there are always customer reviews saying they saw improvements. However, controlled tests seem to indicate the small increases they reported were less due to the device and more to people not wanting to admit they got screwed.

What is it?
This is a Top Secret product. We know this because it says so, right on the first page of the website.

Once you crack their high level security (by clicking on the links on their page) you find out that this is an additive pill, or for cars that have a hard time swallowing pills, powder form.

What's it supposed to do?
Fuck if we know. Despite all the claims made on the site, we could not find a description on how this stuff was supposed to work. We think maybe this was the Top Secret part the website was talking about. Luckily we found this video of what seem to be a couple of MIT professors who explain the concepts behind the product.

You can tell the second guy is an authority on the subject by the way he adjusts his shorts before speaking. The product is supposed to be an enzyme that breaks down your fuel and allows it to burn more efficiently. How much further can we go? According to the website, further. How much further? Just further, that's all, further.

"I'll bet my ill-fitting shorts on it."

What will it really do?
Nothing, unless you count potential liver and brain damage, which we guess is something. The website keeps referring to a lab test that showed how awesome the product was, but it somehow manages to skip right over the part where they talk about whether you actually save fuel. Fortunately, the Attorney General of Texas got their own research. We won't bore you with the details of what they found, we'll just say that their next step was to shut the company down for fraud.

To make things worse, this stuff contains naphthalene, the chemical found in mothballs that can cause liver and brain damage if you inhale too much of it. Oh, also when you take off the cap a little fist comes out of the bottle and punches you in the balls.

What is it?
This is a device developed back in the 1970s by some dude in the Philippines who felt that America shouldn't have the market cornered on scamming people. Basically, it's a metal valve, with the very impressive words "Super Turbo Charger" nicely engraved on it. As you can see by the picture, unlike some of the products out there, this thing actually looks like it could do something, in the way that most hookers look like they don't have an STD.

What's it supposed to do?
Basically this thing is supposed to put your car on a gasoline diet. Apparently all cars are using way too much gas. The Khaos supposedly changes the mixture of the gas and air so that the car will burn more air and less gas. Up to half as much according to them.

Inside the metal tube is a spring which is supposed to regulate the air/gas mixture, turning your bloated car from a donut-munching couch potato into a lean fuel-efficient triathlete, minus the ridiculous spandex.

Even more amazing though is that the maker claims it will reduce pollution from your car by 100 percent. The inventor also says he has turned down millions of dollars from Western companies for the patent because then Filipinos would not be able to afford it. Oh, and also it doesn't work at all.

What will it really do?
This device will do exactly what it says it will do. It will actually change the fuel/air mixture in your car. Awesome! You know what else can change the fuel/air mixture in your car? Something we like to call, the engine.

In modern cars, the car's computers and sensors will take care of all that for you. Not surprisingly, they will do a much better job of it than this thing. What this actually does is choke off gas from entering the engine, making it knock and ping and generally run like shit.

As for the claim that it reduces pollution? When installed the device actually creates about three times the pollution that a car without the device produces (that's what happens when you fuck up the way the engine was designed to run). We think this means that it doesn't work.

So why do people buy this thing and swear by it? One reason may be that the makers tell you that you need to give your car a tune up before installing the device. So it's like a diet pill where the directions say you should take it with a glass of water and then run five miles. You'll get results, but probably could have skipped the pills.