By this point, you're all probably familiar with Sexybigbeauty, the robot who spams our comments with gibberish like "Come sniff me and sister mine, we are big curves ladies who like big manful guys love ladies join us at SnuffFilms.com" or some bullshit. She's been around for a while now, the first commenter we can honestly say is more aggravating than the Anchorman crew, (remember? What was that about?). Anyway, it started on our Monday article about Biblical Superpowers: A few people stole bigbeauty's image and started posting similarly retarded advertisements. The original bigbeauty, in addition to not being a robot was, needless to say, not pleased, (though still looking for big manful guys with as much gusto as ever). What followed was one of the most entertaining battles between fake and real and upside down bigbeautys you are likely to encounter on the internet this week. It spanned every article we have. It was epic, folks, and unfortunately you can't check it out because we had to delete them all. Unfortunately it turns out spammers are from the "any attention is the good kind" school of publicity, and she was spamming more than ever. So sorry about that. But honestly, we enjoyed it while it lasted.
You've gone a whole week without hating anything, let Gladstone teach you how to hate again. Or, just hate Chris Bucholz and his startling obsession with teen pregnancy. Sick of hating and loving? Join Ross and just get confused as hell. Or, check out Swaim's touching and filthy tribute to George Carlin with 7 Words You Can't Say on the Internet. Meanwhile, see which female celebrity DOB is stalking this week. Guy's just begging for a restraining order.
HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE, BATMAN!
5 Superpowers from the Bible that Put Marvel and DC to Shame
If there was a just God in this world, he would promptly give us a zombie army. Come on.
Notable Comment: Atavist says "This article covers Judaism and Christianity but leaves out the other major Religion of the Book, Islam. Now Mohammed had only one superpower, but it was a doozy. He had the ability to make the sexy time with about 10-20 women a night, every night." Nothing super about that, guy. Every member of the Cracked editorial staff is also capable of this alleged "power."
AD-TACK OF THE CLONES!
The 5 Creepiest Advertising Techniques of the Near Future
Please don't hold it against us that we happen to have a terrifying advertising spambot that lives in our comments section.
Notable Comment: homage says "Well researched, well cited, unencumbered by awkward attempts at "OMG BOOBS jokery" yet playful and fun, and rounded off with a hilariously ironic comment section featuring suddenly-totally-revelant spambots. This is my favourite Cracked article in months, fellas!" Thanks, we're happy that you stopped by to say that, homage. You know, too often we're faced with the difficult task of reconciling humor with integrity and--OMG BOOBS!
BATMAN VS. THE ORPHANAGE!
7 Most Laughably Mismatched Superhero Battles
Most Superman comics are naturally boring anyway, but Superman vs. The Puzzler? Epic boring.
Notable Comment: EbuzzMiller says "There's a lot of mismatches. Prankster vs Superman? Batman vs Killer Moth Robin vs Subtext?" That's just funny.
THIS IS OUR MISUNDERSTANDING!
6 Famous Songs That Don't Mean What You Think
Prepare to wish you didn't know the truth about "Summer of '69."
Notable Comment: Icy-eyes says "Hey how about 3rd Eye Blind's "Semi charmed life" which sounds like happy song but is in fact about an inner city junkie who just OD'd?" Let's look at the lyrics, shall we? "I'm packed and I'm holding" "I was taking sips of it through my nose" " I took the hit I was given" and perhaps the most damning "Doing Crystal Meth will lift you up until you break." We don't know what you're talking about, Icy. This song is about romance.
LAST ACTION ZERO!
6 Supposed Movie Badasses You Could Probably Take in a Fight
In the unlikely event that you have to fight any of these fictional characters one day, rest assured that you'll probably win (maybe).
Notable Comment:Captain_Intenso says "What about Kevin MacAllister?" This is an article about badasses. It's why we didn't include Jimmy Neutron or Daniel Day Lewis from My Left Foot.
YOU YOU YOU!
If Tattoos Told the Truth
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Historical Events as Drawn by a Five-Year-Old and you can be.
When the Rapture finally came, God was really only pissed at Steve.
Seriously, the EMT does not look prepared for this
The gays of San Francisco had become so affluent they even outsourced their gay pride parade.
If you're a racist, homophobe, or even a gay cowboy hater, today's your lucky craptioning day!
It may have taken several thousand years, but it appears as if Atlas finally said "f*ck it, I'm taking my net and I'm GOING HOME!"
That deaf, dumb, and blind gigantic alien kid sure plays a mean pinball.
Getting plastered in Japan was different than Larry had anticipated.
After the second cuming he was quickly detained by the police.
Not pictured: anything remotely sexy.
Kris was the hottest one-legged beer-bonging lesbian on campus, and she KNEW it.
It's all fun and games until someone's eye loses.
There's no eye in TEAM.
Mounting Python's Filing Circus.
Having done some filing, a Python can go several weeks without filing again.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.