How to Get a Teenage Girl Pregnant
In an article in Time magazine last week, a high school principle in a small town explained his school’s high pregnancy by saying that a group of girls had made a pact to get pregnant together. Surprisingly, this unleashed a smidge of a media furor, of the sort that only the hint of illicit teenage sex can unleash. “Oral sex amongst teens drops in popularity” the headlines screamed, I presume. “Teen sex: More babies, less fisting” they continued, again, in my mind.
For some reason (a sudden influx of oily guys with camcorders?) the mayor of the town has reacted vociferously to the story, claiming that there is no independent evidence of a pregnancy pact. But the fact that 17 girls in a school all got pregnant within a year is undeniable. Everyone following the story is asking the same question: how else could so many teenage girls get pregnant so suddenly?
Yet a followup article by Time, backs the original story, finding more evidence of hot, taut, pre-planned teen pregnancy. Most notably, many of the girls in question were reportedly extremely happy when they heard the positive results of their pregnancy tests, and reacted with high fives, fist bumps and impromptu demonstrations of the ‘Soul’ja Boy.’
Much as it pains me to say something sensible, I have to side with the media in expressing my distaste here. I’m no prude, but I feel really uncomfortable with the concept of girls making a pact to have babies together, for any purpose other than racing them. Some have suggested that the recent film Juno and high profile teenage moms like Jamie Lynn Spears are to blame for this new found desire amongst teenage girls to get knocked up. Personally I reject that easy answer, instead choosing another, easier one: I blame the girls, for the twin crimes of being stupid and fertile.
A more grounded observer might also lay some of the blame on teenage boys, the presumed fathers of the children, and a demographic not known for being terribly mindfull of the eventual destionation(s) or effects of their sperm. (As an example, at one point during my youthful, peak years of fertility, I believe I got a golf club head cover pregnant.) Yet the articles I’ve read only mention the teenage fathers in passing. They instead focus more attention on claims by local authorities that some of the fathers were in their mid twenties, one of them possibly homeless. Yikes. Who knew there was such a thing as a homeless pedophile? How do they get on to Myspace?
If I can conclude this with some kind words and guidance (probably not), I’d like to direct a message to any teenagers who are reading this. Kids, I speak from experience: no matter what the cool kids tell you, sleeping with a homeless guy is not the way to become popular.
And for the internet enabled homeless people reading this: Dudes. Not cool. We’ve all been there, ok? We’ve all been homeless before, and we’ve all been asked by a teenage girl to impregnate her. These are all just normal aspects of growing up. But by the same token, we’ve all had to find the maturity within us to look that girl in the eye and say “What are you, a cop?”
June 24th, 2008 at 8:29 am
FIRST!!!!!!!
I’m still not sure I understand why such a pact would exist.
June 24th, 2008 at 8:49 am
You *still* don’t understand, Tom? Even after being FIRST!!!!!!!?
June 24th, 2008 at 8:51 am
This was an incredible post.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I love getting teenage girls pregnant.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:21 am
I guess we just have to wait and see if they all give birth to blonde bowlhaircutted telepaths who force mark hammil to shoot himself
June 24th, 2008 at 9:42 am
To me, I prefer dating with mature big women at hot dating club __PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big beautiful women, big curvy women and their admirers meet together for fun, friends, romance and love!
June 24th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Nice post.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:53 am
for the record Bucholz, I have never been homless, or had an underage girl ask me to get her pregnant. So for the record no I have never asked anyone “Are you a cop?”.
Of all the pacts girls make, that seems like the stupidist possible one. I challenge any of you commenters to produce a pact that is more stupid. Other than whatever the hell that Yaya Sisterhood movie was about.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:00 am
This kind of seems laughably naive. I grew up in a small town, in the middle of nowhere. The only things to keep people occupied were drinking, fucking, and riding snowmobiles (individually, or in any combination). Three out of four high schools in my hometown have day care centres– and not for the staff, either. My friend’s ex-girlfriend had 4 kids by the time she was 22. (She got started when she was 17.)
The idea of some kind of pregnancy pact seems entirely believable to me. The blame couldrest on the boys, yeah. Who know sif they were the victims of condom-tampering, or just the victims of hormones and Wildberry coolers (a powerful aphrodisiac cocktail).
June 24th, 2008 at 10:02 am
wait, wait, wait a minute…
are the hormones mixed in with the Wildberry coolers?
June 24th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Smirnoff Ice makes you pregnant, does it depend on how many you drink, can it make both
guys and girls pregnant and what about regular Smirnoff Vodka, cause if can make you pregnant I’m fucked, this is just the wrong time for me to get pregnant, what if you are watching Juno and drinking Smirnoff Ice can you get doubly pregnant? Fuck.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:15 am
Where I live Smirnoff Ice is more of the ground tool of a civilisation for minors. It’s a drink, a weapon and a cultural device all in one small bottle of foul alcoholic lemonade.
June 24th, 2008 at 11:12 am
“any purpose other and racing them” funny stuff
June 24th, 2008 at 11:23 am
america: inventors of being big town bikes.
June 24th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I would jump at the chance to impregnate some chick, I just wouldn’t tell her my real name, let her know where I lived, or let on that I speak English at any point. I feel cheated that no one approached me for the short time that I was homeless to fulfill their pact…I’m burning down my house as soon as I post this with my hopes sailing high!
June 24th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
We had one girl get pregnant in my school when I was there and she immediately disappeared. Nowadays when the bus passes the high school young girls get on with strollers and most schools in the city have daycares for the students. The crappy overrated movies like Juno are released and this happens. I feel sorry for the girls’ parents, they thought they were done with raising kids and then their punk kid brings a crying bundle of joy back into their home. Now they never get to retire because they will have to support their idiot child and her idiot child.
June 24th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
You just made me imagine an international baby grand prix, will any baby get the triple crown this year?
June 24th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I still like Upright Citizens Brigade’s answer to why one would want babies: deathmatches. But racing is still good. It doesn’t get much better than watching the Tiny Tot European Rally and seeing some toddler wrap a car around a tree.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I blame Juno… not because it glorified teen pregnancy, but just because it sucked.
I feel that seeing that movie caused many girls to lose hope in society and just say, “Fuck it, might as well get pregnant.”
June 24th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I think you people are being grossly unfair to the tramp. Why is he necessarily some kind of horrifying pregancy pawn? What if, in fact, he was just really hot?
What if the girls walked past, saw him all smouldering up the sidewalk and thought “holy balls, nothing makes me do a down-seat slalom faster than a dude who smells like a badger dipped in petrol”.
Just because he’s a tramp, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have some fine-ass moves, is all I’m saying here.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
The idea of a smoldering hot tramp with fine-ass moves disturbs me . . . as does the related conclusion that he would have more game than I could ever have. *sob* Pass me that crappy alcopop.
June 24th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Well if you have enough chicks wanting your sperm you don’t need a home, you just have to go from chick to chick until you die (happy). So maybe he’s homeless and attractive…
June 24th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Kingmonkey is correct, look where this took place: Gloschester, Mass., nothing but fishing and f***ing in that town, and sometimes they combine the two (or so I’ve heard … I mean I personally have never had sex with a fish … but I guess it could be done).
June 24th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
“In an article in Time magazine last week, a high school principle in a small town explained his school’s high pregnancy by saying that a group of girls had made a pact to get pregnant together. ”
So is it the “principle” of getting pregnant or the “principal” of the school?
June 24th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
They might as well make a pact to get the same STDs.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
if they do have a pact it would be scarier than Mila Jovovich’sss tits
June 24th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
This post was brilliant, and so was The Silly Addiction’s comment.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I thought Swaim was the evil twin, particularly with that “beard” thing going on.
June 24th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
“what are you, a cop?” just brings this amazing post all together.
June 24th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I think they made the pact so that they can do baby fights, and they all wanted them toghether you know, for fairness, so that nobody gets a bigger baby than the other one
June 24th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
By the way, the comments on the blog should be getting into the “Notable comments” on the saturday round-up, don’t you think? I mean, the article comments are fine, and the forum too, but here is where the real madness ensues
June 24th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
no one can come up with a dumber pact?
June 25th, 2008 at 12:43 am
I’ve gotta say, Chris, that was a damn good post. And I agree on all points, especially with the stupid and fertile comment you made early on.
Keep up the good work.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:19 am
I blame the media blamers.
June 25th, 2008 at 9:55 am
To me, I prefer dating with mature big women at hot dating club ____PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big beautiful women, big curvy women and their admirers meet together for fun, friends, romance and love!
June 25th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I note how bigdaddy seems to have separated “big beautiful women” and “big curvy women”, as if it’s possible to be either curvy or beautiful, but not both.
This kind of racism has no place here. CURVES ARE BEAUTIFUL TOO.
June 25th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Yes I totally agree.
June 25th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I like the idea of a baby race. What I like even more is the idea of the girls getting together and deciding to have a race to see who can get pregnant first and videataping the whole thing. This is MTVesque shit I’m talking about. They could turn it into a reality show like(ahem!) Pimp my Ride. Jamie Lynn Spears could host it and then the winner could get like a free abortion(well we wouldn’t want the thing to go too far now!). The could call it “a shot at welfare”.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I believe these girls made the pact as an expression of their subconcious. That expression being “Man….Juno is hilarious….I want to be like Juno!” So they get knocked up, start dressing like a pre-pubescent boy and they become waddling smart-asses who befriend other girls who are hot for teacher. Oh, and they find a rich couple (the female being neurotically controlling, and the male secretly wanting to nail Preggers McGee, but you know he can’t cause she’s knocked-up) to adopt the baby. All while her parents shrug this off and consider this as bad as ramming the family 1989 Chevy Mega-Van into a tree.
*sigh* Just more knocked-up teenage sluts to suck up all the federal welfare.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
As a former teenage boy, I can attest they cannot be held in anyway responsible for accepting high school pussy that’s offered up to them. When I was in high school, I’d fuck a toaster strudel if nobody was looking. Maybe even if they were. And they’re wrong for not turning down poon? BS, I say.
And no, MetalBrainSurgery, I can’t think of a stupider pact.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Maybe a pact to see who can get cancer faster by standing next to various forms of radiation? Thats pretty stupid but then again at least it don’t involve 18 years of a soul sucking parasite.
June 25th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
fourty second
June 25th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
i read this article. supposedly, they did it because they wanted somebody to unconditionally love them. to that i say, get a fucking puppy….gosh, theyre fricking teenagers, shouldnt they KNOW that children dont unconditionally love parents?? and im sure they found out the reverse. now im left to debate what should be done to the products of these idiots. on one hand they should be punished by having to raise the brats. on the other hand, do we really want thse genes in the gene pool???
June 25th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
I believe Glendoor had one puppy left at last count; maybe they could all share.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:13 am
i have a comment to make to jenlgod sure its not any parents dream for their tenage daughter to come home pregnant yes she is the idiot , but u shuldnt call the unborn child an idiot iis not the unborn child fault that their mother was stupid enough to get preganant at young age ,,
June 26th, 2008 at 1:17 am
Nope, sold all those fuckers as of Monday. Made 2300.00 and as so as I can get away with it. I’m gonna order myself one of those R2D2 projector TVs. Though I sure Mrs.glendoor42 is going to find some fucking responsible fucking way to spend the money, like CDs, the money kind, not albums or new brakes for her car or some bullshit like that.
I’m at least going to get that Bigfoot statue out of it. and a new pistol, I already ordered that.
She hated those dogs until the money started coming in. Then she wanted to know when the next time when the dogs could have some more.
I said just as soon as you start picking up all the dog shit I’ll be all for it. Then we both laugh because we both knew that there wasn’t a haints chance in hell of that’s happening.
Then she asked if we could have some ready by the holidays. Which ain’t bad idea since we celebrate both Hanukkah, Christmas and Wookie Life Day in our house.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:07 am
Three holidays at the same time with an R2D2 projector, puppies, pistols, Sasquatches and an invisible, toilet-flushing dwarf. You must have an amusing household even for Alabama.
June 26th, 2008 at 7:10 am
So, Reginald, how do you feel about children?
June 26th, 2008 at 7:50 am
J-Pappi, while boys in high school can hardly be blamed for not resisting the siren call of the mysterious vagina, they can be blamed for not getting free condoms from the local clinic. Girls don’t just get pregnant on their own. Someone has to make them that way. That someone should share responsibility.
It’s not like you can just solve pregnancy like glendoor42 solved his puppy problem. At least, not in this country.
June 26th, 2008 at 8:01 am
sez who?
June 26th, 2008 at 8:06 am
13 year adolescent male: Almost housebroken. Had shots. Attitude can be “adjusted” with rolled up newspaper. Lazy but can be trained. $100.00 or BO.
June 26th, 2008 at 10:19 am
It’s an invisible leprechaun that flushes the toilet not a dwarf.
Really that’s just a long running joke at this house. Some animal got inside the walls at my house, once, and would make these noises kind of like the leprechaun in the Warrick Davis movies so my youngest daughter( the brilliant blonde car wrecker) started calling it a leprechaun when she would hear it.
The downstairs toilet on the other hand does flush by itself, I heard it when it was just me myself and I here, but instead of taking the time to fix it I just use the novelty of saying it’s the leprechaun that lives in our walls.
June 26th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I feel bad for the guys in this situation… This is why I only advocate anal sex (and to a lesser degree oral). Anal sex is the best birth control God gave to man.
I’m just sayin’
June 26th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Fair enough, Kingmonkey. But these particular girls sound like the type that would swear to be on the pill. And the difference between bareback and beTrojaned is like the difference between grilled and boiled. It just ain’t the same, especially when you have adolescent self-control and it’s cheerleader pussy on the table.
Ducky Dale: Your theory is sound to a degree, unfortunately not all women like it in the pooper. Now, I know you’re probably thinking what I always do: “What do I care if she likes it there or not; when I’m hittin’ it doggy style she’s gonna get the ol’ “oopsy-daisy” and we’ll just see how it plays out.” But some women, and alas often the really pretty ones, like to be romantic. And going through the whole wining, dining, scented candle thing can pose a tricky problem when you gaze into her eyes during that special moment and have to find a romantic way to tell her it’s going up her poop chute, whether or no.
I’m just sayin’
June 26th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
“But these particular girls sound like the type that would swear to be on the pill.”
That’s why I tell my boys a girl can tell you she’s on the pill all she wants and still have herpes or aids.
June 27th, 2008 at 9:18 am
In my eyes, big mature beauty are more attractive than teenage girls! And I met so many sexy big beauties at ___PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boobs hotties, big booty beauties and big manful guys meet for fun&love!
June 27th, 2008 at 11:38 am
All right bigbear, I’ve had it up to here (just above my mouth, but lower than the nose) with your anti-skinny agenda!
We won’t be opressed by the likes of you! Crushed, maybe, but not oppressed.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I love how the blog is a more open forum than the actual forum.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Then again, it’s probably because 90% of the people aren’t fighting to get an article printed by the almighty Wong, whose judgements are final and absolute.
June 27th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
The Forum members are more like a cult, where everyone has a heirarchy and newcomers are frowned upon and browbeaten, whereas on the blogs we’re more like the Cheers cast.
We just meet up several times a day to talk bullshit, sometimes we get drunk. Then, occasionally, someone throws out a topic and we all throw in our 2 bits worth.
In other words, the bloggers are all Cliff (sic)Clavan.
June 27th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! and alright kingmonkey , there’s nothing wrong with the anti-skinny agenda.
June 27th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
On a serious note, if I had a daughter preggers in high school, she’d join her homeless lover full time.
June 27th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
I’m from Gloucester, kind of ashamed to say it. Heroin capitol of the northeast and now teen pregnancy capitol of the world. What a terrible thing to be known for. Not to mention the ‘Perfect Storm’ movie. Worse thing to be known for.
June 28th, 2008 at 9:52 am
@Panzer-Stier Ross:
It also helps that most of the people on the forums, Wong included, are closet fundamentalists.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:40 am
I mean, seriously, christianfaq.com? I’m pretty sure it was closed down because Cracked’s owners didn’t want everyone to know that the assistant editor was as fundie.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I wonder how much of this can be blamed on Abstinence education.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:49 am
The pregancy, I mean.
June 28th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
If they have fat baby girls, you can meet them at P u l s e M e a t . com__Where lardasses meet high school “priciples” that are manful for fun and large booby bigbear SexyFatAssSexy stuff. They will put mayonnaise on diet pills before a cloister of monk midgets bukkake them!
June 28th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
pulsemeat.com, you say? Hmmm…
June 28th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
abstinence education is clearly not helping. Because they teach nothing in sex ed, they just say “this is what herpes looks like, and if you have sex before marriage, you will certainly get it”
June 29th, 2008 at 9:54 am
What I’m wondering is if that school taught it. Like, if the dude who came up with the idea to use abstinence education is kicking himself in the nuts right now.
June 29th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I don’t see the point in abstinence education. Do you honestly think that if some woman fundie nearing her forties tells a class of hormonally challenged teenagers, who likely have a ten-year-old copy of playboy that they found in the dumpster stuck in their chemistry book, that having sex is bad, you’ll all die of herpiesaidsmeltingpenisdisease, that they’ll honestly even care, much less even believe her? No. They were probably staring at the cheerleader-across-the-room-that-they-had-sex-with-for-some-pregnancy-pact’s pregnancy-inflated boobs.
June 29th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
It’s never even ‘you’ll get herpes because….’ it’s just ‘you’ll get herpes and DIE HORRIBLY!’
June 29th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
That is such a baffling story that I’m having trouble thinking of anything super witty to say.
Intentionally ruining your life and a brand new one isn’t a group activity. If you want to have fun with your friends, that’s what slumber parties are for.
June 29th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
its a simple fact that people are fucking stupid. I cant find it hard to believe that a large group of teenage girls were retarded enough to to want to get pregnant, let alone promise they would all do it together like some batshit insane cult. if you look at the general public youll notice that they worship celebraties like they are golden cows sent from heaven or something. Look at these role models they have. Society is warped, its going to eat itself from the inside.
June 30th, 2008 at 12:04 am
I agree with Dan.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:51 am
A stupider pact? How about this one:
“The essential facts of the case are not in dispute. After smoking marijuana and drinking beer while listening to songs from several Judas Priest albums, Mr. Belknap and Mr. Vance agreed to a suicide pact, went to a nearby church playground, and shot themselves in the head with a 12-gauge shotgun.
Mr. Belknap, 18 years old at the time, died instantly. Mr. Vance, then age 20, destroyed most of his face but survived, underwent several painful and costly reconstructive surgical operations, became a born-again Christian, lapsed back into drug consumption, and died late in 1988.”
Seems far stupider than pregnancy I say - you can adopt out an unwanted child, but you cant put your brain back in your head after you blow it out with a 12 gauge.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:41 am
People do this all the time, they just usually do it in their late 20s so no-one notices.
June 30th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Holy shit, karmakaze… that’s practically the origin of Arseface in the Preacher comics! (Except it was Kurt Cobain’s suicide that sparked that fictional intant.)
June 30th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Smirnoff Ice…The wine cooler for the next generation!