[Shortened to, like, five.]
Hi, Anne, it’s me, Daniel. We met once or twice (probably). How are you? Good? Are you eating well? That’s good. Good to hear. It’s important to be healthy. You know a single apple can provide the human body with more energy than a cup of coffee. Did you know that? It’s good information to have. I hope you’re eating enough apples, Anne Hathaway.
Look, I’m not gonna beat around the apple bush anymore, Anne Hathaway. We both know what I’m hear to talk to you about. I heard about what happened through the apple vine. I heard you broke up with your boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri. I also heard that he owes a bank something like $500,000. Also, he apparently hasn’t filed IRS forms for his stupid nerd foundation for jerks. Also he bounced a $215,000 check last April.
This must be, to put it lightly, a tough time for you, Anne Hathaway. You’re probably hurt. You feel betrayed. A little lost. I mean, not too long ago, you said you did things for Raffaello that you never thought you’d do for another person, and here he is, the leading contender for Asshole of the Century. You believed in this guy. You thought he was the one, and suddenly he turns around and…well, he’s just not the man you fell in love with, is he? He’s a stranger. You must feel absolutely heartbroken.
You shouldn’t have to deal with this pain all on your own, Anne Hathaway. There’s a better way.
Sit back, Anne Hathaway. I’m gonna go ahead and dim the lights just a little bit.
Goodness, Anne, you’ve had a long day, doing interviews and press junkets for Get Smart, haven’t you? You must be exhausted. Why don’t you slip off your shoes and allow me the pleasure of gently massaging your delicate feet with these scented oils? These oils are Lavender scented. I think the Lavender smell goes perfect with the meal I have cooking in the kitchen. What’s that, Anne Hathaway? Oh, yes, I’m preparing a nice spiced chicken with a homemade Mushroom Marsala Wine sauce. I’ve got the garlic mashed potatoes going, too. What? Of course they’re homemade, silly, I’d never use instant potatoes on you. You deserve nothing but the best. Instant mashed potatoes are for peasants, not Queens.
Here. You just lie back and relax. I’ll put on some smooth Al Green to soothe you while I finish up in the kitchen. Perhaps after dinner, I can interest you in a light romantic comedy, or a warm bubble bath, or possibly some record-breaking marathon reaming? You go ahead and think it over, Darling, I’ll pour us some wine.
That is exactly what it would be like if we were together, Anne Hathaway. Every day. Every god damned day.
Now, if the enticing, serene portrait that I’ve painted isn’t enough to entice you to go on at least one (1) date with me, allow me to present:
An Infinite List of Reasons Anne Hathaway Should Turn to Dan O’Brien for Comfort
(Shortened to 5 for the sake of brevity and Cracked marketability.)
I Haven’t Racked Up Millions of Dollars In Debt-
It’s true, I haven’t. Call me old fashioned, but I’ve always held that writing bad checks and failing to properly fill out IRS forms is something only a Jerkoff would do. I want you to know, Anne Hathaway, that my parents, Mamma and Poppa O’Brien, have raised me to be a lot of things. A Gentleman. A Good Listener. An Excellent Cook. Plenty of things, but one thing MOB and POB did not raise, (and they’ll tell you this right to your pretty, doe-like face), is a total Jerkoff. If you decide to go on a date with me, I can personally guarantee you that I will pay for dinner with money that I actually have, a promise that your former boyfriend cannot make.
I Have At Least A Cursory Understanding of Some of the Movies You’ve Made-
I won’t lie to you, Anne Hathaway. I didn’t see Princess Diaries 1 or 2, but only because I’m pretty sure you didn’t really want me to. I got the distinct impression from watching the previews that, for the sake of our relationship, you’d rather I never saw the Princess movies. It was subtle, but you gave a look in the previews that seemed to say “I’m okay with you never seeing this movie, Dan O’Brien,” and I was just trying to respect your wishes. And, to prove that I’m interested in your life and career, I promise I’ll always at least pretend to know what your movies are about even if I don’t see them. (Princesses, right? Nailed it.)
I also would like you to know that I saw Havoc.
A whole bunch of times.
I Used to Fight Crime-
True story. Years ago, Gladstone and I cleaned up the streets of Rhode Island as famous costumed-street-vigilantes Mace and Machete, (M&M by the media). I hear you hate that the paparazzi is always hounding you. Let me be the first to tell you, Anne Hathaway, that fighting crime has put me in peak physical condition and I am no stranger to protecting beautiful women. It doesn’t seem too long ago that I was keeping the women of Rhode Island safe with my unique brand of hard, passionate, sweaty justice.
Filthy, filthy justice.
Now that I think about it, if I hadn’t hung up the ole Machete a few years ago, it’s not unreasonable to assume that Raffaello, due to his flagrant disregard for the laws that govern this fine country, would be one of the weeping criminals wetting himself at the end of my blade. And yes, that would totally happen. I’m speaking from experience here about the pants-wetting. No criminal thinks they’re gonna piss all over themselves, but it almost always happens.
Abs-
Booya.
Raffaello Hates Me-
As I’m sure you’re aware, your former boyfriend and I had a very bitter public feud, and I never really knew why. Maybe he hated me because I’m a wildly popular and influential Cracked Columnist. Or because, as stated earlier, I rarely bounce checks for a quarter of a million dollars. Or maybe it’s just because he’s hilariously sexually inadequate. After all, I practically emit raw sexuality and erotic virility. (One time a woman got pregnant just by looking at me.) That could be intimidating to anyone, especially your former boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri and his laughably pathetic, almost childlike approach to lovemaking. (Is it true he consults helpful little homemade note cards during sex? That is adorable!) Regardless of the reason, be it my fame, my excellent credit history, or my status as one of America’s leading Sex Tyrants, one thing is for certain: Raffaello Follieri hates me.
Now, I ask you: What better way to get back at the man that broke your heart than to throw some footprints on the ceiling of the bedroom of his arch rival? No better way, Anne. There is no better way. That is the best way.
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- An Interview with McCain and Obama (In the Year 2012) - October 10th, 2008
- Cracked Liveblogs the Presidential Debate LIVE! - October 7th, 2008
- The 19 Most Ridiculous Moments From the VP Debate - October 3rd, 2008
- How to Win the Presidential Debate: A Graphic Representation - September 26th, 2008
- Dear Media: What's This Election About? - September 19th, 2008
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:27 am
More like the Princess Mammaries, amirite?
September 20th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Abs-
Booya.
that shit made my day!
September 4th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Don’t be insulting, LN. DOB’s not the Chuck Norris of Blogging. He’s the DOB of Blogging. HONESTLY, some people…
August 10th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
I was unaware it was possible to list infinity, even when shortened to just five.
Just goes to show DOB is the Chuck Norris of Blogging.
August 2nd, 2008 at 4:44 am
That line never works, J-Pappi. I’ve had better luck using the tried & true: “are those real?”
June 29th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Only after copious amounts of alcohol Panzier, only have copious amounts of alcohol.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to my swoon-tiful hooker.
June 28th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Anne is so beautiful. I like her smile. Hope she will find her true lover!
She also has many fans in hot dating club ___PlusMeet.c o m____, where many big boobs girls, big butts women and big nice guys meet together for fun&love!
June 25th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
It’s not an easy task being one of the few remnants of a chivalric past, my man. Women just don’t appreciate being treated like the delicate flowers they are anymore, alas.
June 25th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
J-Pappi’s infinite respect for women makes me jealous I’m not one.
Just so I could swoon, women still swoon don’t they?
June 24th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Looks like Gladstone can add one to the guest list for his X-Files 2/Lesbian Experimentation tailgate party.
That’s really sounding like it’s gonna be a kickass party. See if you can get Swaim to film it, his camera is better.
June 24th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I would have no problem with her munching carpet with another chick, as long as I was there and they both understood they were getting boned as well.
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I think young Anne prefers the, ah, cats meow to the horses appendage (allegedly). Which I guess wont be an issue Dan?
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Lilac and fresh baked pound cake?
Between that and the fantastical abs, I’m in.
Hathaway is an idiot to turn this one down.
DOB’s abs for the WIN!
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
No, it’s pheromones. Danny boy is said to smell like lilac and fresh baked pound cake.
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Seriously, Danny Boy, you shouldn’t be cheating on Jocelyn Esposito like that. Hasn’t Jocelyn Exposito always been good to you?
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Is it because Dan’s a drug dealer, and she’s a drug user and she wants his drugs? Is that it, Jocelyn? It’s drugs isn’t it?
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:02 pm
This article is bullshit. I feel betrayed. Lord knows there’s only one reason Anne Hathway would ever sniff around you.
June 23rd, 2008 at 7:13 am
George Carlin is dead? When did that happen? What the fuck?
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
June 23rd, 2008 at 12:56 am
George Carlin has died. Baseball vs. Football was one of the funniest bit ever. Seven Words
you can’t say on TV. Ditto.
June 21st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Thanks Duke.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:39 pm
hours of record-breaking marathon reaming is always the best way to soothe the ladies in my experience.
June 21st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Gladstone, if you’re reading this, just know that your witty comment above earned you my viewing of next week’s Hate By Numbers.
Sincerely yours, The Duke.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:02 am
Hey Dan even the spambot is pulling for you.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:43 am
Anne is so beautiful. I like her smile. Hope she will find her true lover!
She also has many fans in hot dating club ___PlusMeet.c o m____, where many big boobs girls, big butts women and big nice guys meet together for fun&love!
June 21st, 2008 at 4:39 am
Sammy, you can’t zing yourself, stop zinging at once. In fact, fuck you, your zinging privileges are now revoked until further notice.
Gladstone, I think I can actually write a portion of the Smoove B crime-fighting episode.
“Girl, when you’re in trouble you want a real man, a man who dresses in the finest satins, satins fit for a pimp, not some hokey-ass latex and shit. That shits for chumps. When the time comes, you call on Smoove, and Smoove’ll fly down in his velvet cape, a cape of the purest velvets ever woven together, and rescue your fine self.
Then we’ll get nasty in my ultra-stretched white Cadillac with the spinners. That’s the Smoovemobile baby, and there’s an ultra fine shagpile rug in the backseat just for you.”
June 20th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Anne Hathaway sure has some classy stalkers… she’d be MAD to turn down this offer. Also, your name is much easier to spell than his, I think she’d appreciate that.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
12-Pack–Are the DEAD prostitutes? (A/K/A “dead hookers?”) If so, awesome. If not, I’ve been there. It’s a rough place. I’m also drunk, which is pretty rough.
DOB. You are the Shakespeare of our time. All you readers and commenters (sic?) (like More Than Rex Simius and Operation on Steel Cerebellum) and Gladstone (who is only complaining because he has a four-pack to your FOURTY-NINE AND ONE THIRD PACK), if you think I’m kidding, think about this. Shakespeare made jokes about penii (I’m assuming, drunkenly, that this is the plural of penis) and cuntii (ditto about cunts) jokes. DOB is actually (I’m serious!) one of the best writers out there. Srsly. (Shaddup.) Gladstone is good at making his earnest hate seethe through the videos of Hate By Numbers he posts. DOB . . . he’s like the guy everyone thinks is “special,” but really, he’s intelligent beyond all aspect. In his wang. Boning. Boning a lot. I need to drink more, maybe. If I were a girl, I’d be wet for DOB (and Gladstong, Swaim can have his dogs, even though he’s pretty cool) . . . I’d say he could have my girlfriend, but a) no one’s going to believe a cracked.com reader has a girlfriend, and b) even if someone did, she’s mine, and I would challenge you (and your abs) to a Dune-style duel if you wanted to talk to her.
And DOB has enough girls to bone–even though they wouldn’t compare. (Being snarky, here . ^_^) Dammit, 40s . . . can I delete this later?
LENIN FUCKS DEAD HOOKERS. There.
June 20th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
technicaly it was still infinite, due to the fact that my mind got stuck in a loop at “Abs- Booya”.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
“Abs- Booya.” Priceless.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Dude, your list reads like a Readers Digest Competition blurb.
If you want the girl to like you, calling her Ann would be a good start.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
I’m so pissed off i ever fought crime with you. To think, I could have been delivering sexy justice with Smoove B.
June 20th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Nah, she’s ugly. You should try this on Star Jones instead.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Freaking Hi-larious!!!!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Dan, I think Matt was saying that you ripped off Smooth B in looks and style of clothes.
I have often thought that myself.
You got to admit you two could almost pass as twins, especially in your Machete outfit.
Other than that I see no resemblance.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:03 am
DOB is the king of consoling the ladies. I am in awe of it. Could you please start an academy for all of us schlubs? It could be an all around learning facility where we can learn street vigilantism, female pleasuration techniques, and how to use the Oxford comma. Please Professor DOB show us the way.
P.S. according to spell check schlubs=subschema…pleasuration=commensuration.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:37 am
zing
June 20th, 2008 at 10:37 am
i’ve got 2 more reasons you should have listed. 1) a jet pack 2) sandwich gun
p.s anybody with the name smoove b shouldn’t be allowed to use the internet, much less write mediocre articles
June 20th, 2008 at 10:35 am
No, you see, Smoove B articles were about the seduction of ladies, and this is about the seduction of a lady, therefore you clearly ripped off Smoove B. Because no ladies were ever seduced before Smoove B so any since are clear plagiarism.
It’s all pretty obvious if you think about it.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Hilarious as always DOB, you are a god among men….
wait, fuck that you are a super god among normal, lesser gods
i especially like how you seamlessly move from “light romantic comedy” to “record-breaking marathon reaming”
June 20th, 2008 at 9:58 am
im practicly crying laughing DOB. Ceiling footprints? thats so funny it hurts.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:47 am
spiced chicken with a homemade Mushroom Marsala Wine sauce every fucking night? Some cook you are DOB.
But you make it up with the horse cock and the perfect “God like” abs..
June 20th, 2008 at 9:36 am
…I’m afraid I’m not sure what you’re talking about, Matt. Is there a specific Smoove article you wanted me to see? It looks like you linked to all of them. Is…Are you saying my Anne Hathaway article rips off everything Smoove has ever written, because that’s kind of a bold statement.
Please elaborate or, alternately, eat poop.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:33 am
in what way is he like Smoove B? Has Dan ever promised to hand feed a girl sumptuous berries in his whirlpool before breaking her off one nasty?
June 20th, 2008 at 9:15 am
dude, way to rip off Smoove B (http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/smoove)
June 20th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Did DOB ever have to track down/fight Bucholz back in his crime-fighting days?
June 20th, 2008 at 8:24 am
He shoudl have also mentioned that he works with Bucholz and is still alive.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:23 am
It’s the advice about the apples that she’ll be most grateful for in the long run.
Also, don’t knock the homemade note cards method. It’s a simple and practical tip for those of us who can’t easily remember all the details of a pretty complicated procedure, with multiple steps that must be completed exactly in order if you don’t want to screw up the whole thing and have to wait a week before you get to try again. (My new girlfriend’s explaining to me how all that lovemaking stuff works. She’s so awesome.)
June 20th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Brilliant DOB, as always. I hope to soon be plagiarizing you in love letters to my most favorite prostitutes (I always pay them in cash anyway, so they know I’m good with my money).
June 20th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Another magical article DOB.
good work