According to some very expensive market research we conducted, this Halloween more than 75 percent of Cracked readers are planning on dressing up as Napoleon Dynamite, again. As we lament the sad state of America's proudest holiday, inevitably the question arises, "How do the Germans practice Halloween? Are they much better at it than us? Like they are with pornography?"
It turns out that the answer is no. Despite their mastery of over the top, noholds-barred erotica, the German people have little to no skill at coming up with Halloween costumes that aren't baffling or terrifying. Below we illustrate the most unsettling examples we could find.
"Of course you can use the phone; he's standing over there. Oh, you, uh, have to dial zero to get an outside line. I know it's normally nine. It's weird. No, you'll have to press harder than that; it's a little sticky."
This is a pretty typical entry in the canon of unsettling German Halloween costumes. The combination of a grey, felt suit and a bizarrely realistic head, make this look like something out of a dream sequence in a David Lynch film.
Here's the great emancipator, who, judging by his expression, is scheming up ways to emancipate children from their clothes.
A kangaroo costume isn't a bad idea if you're attending a party, as it gives you a convenient place to store food and drink. We'll tell you from experience, reaching into your nether regions and pulling out a handful of onion dip is a great way to make conversation. Or, end it.
If we're being generous, we'll assume this is a friendly tadpole costume, and not a green sperm costume. Although, we're frankly leaning towards the latter, given that it's carrying around a towel, possibly to wipe itself off a magazine.
We're not entirely sure what the cane adds to this costume. We guess it's a good way to class it up a bit, and probably comes in handy if you need to fend off the cell phone guy when he gets too grabby.
In classical mythology, Neptune is one of the mightiest Gods, second only to Zeus in power. In Germany, he's a skinny, lime-green Santa Claus.
Most people have heard that David Hasselhoff is extremely and unreasonably popular in Germany, but few know that Alf enjoys a similarly successful music career there, as well. This is because many Germans mistakenly believe the two are related.
According to the website we found it on, this costume is called "America Boy." Given that the costume is covered in the Union Jack, this is a title that misses the mark by just a whisker.
This is actually a pretty good example of the kind of geographical blunder Americans are always getting blamed for.
In German culture, the teddy bear is terrible authority figure used to warn children about the dangers of constipation.
Continue the freak show!
Read page two for The Fish, The Frog, and the Failures.
At first glance this just looks like a fish on end, until you see the face hole in the middle, at which point you realize it's probably the stupidest costume, ever.
Although, watching two of these guys get into a fight would make excellent television.
After misinterpreting several scenes in the Wizard of Oz (1939) Hitler ordered his scientists to begin designing flying monkeys of his own, to match up against what he perceived to be a new Allied super weapon. This costume celebrates that moment, the darkest chapter of the war.
Well, here's a slap in the balls. Thanks, Germany. You really managed to capture the majesty and grandeur of the subject.
Another symbol of American greatness, reduced to rubble in the hands of German costumiers. This might actually be more insulting than the Statue of Liberty thing.
If this costume doesn't have a concealed gap in the crotch so that it can be worn while having sex, we will eat our hats.
Judging by the lack of visible air holes, and the very visible erection, this poor guy might be making the embarrassingly public discovery that he's into auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Costume designers face a choice when designing the head of an animal costume. They can design the entire face, and provide concealed holes for the wearer to see and breathe. Or, they can make no face at all, and just have the wearer's face stick out, with antlers or bunny ears added to complete the disguise.
Or, they can try and do both and end up with a terrifying creation that depicts an enormous bunny trying to swallow a severed human head.
You'll always remember where you were the day you saw the worst turkey costume ever made.
Yes, those are full-sized adult costumes, designed to look like small children. And no, we don't have any idea why. Oh sure, we could probably come up with an explanation. But, we wouldn't be happy writing it, and you wouldn't be happy reading it. Let's just leave it be.
In the "making fun of costumes" racket, picking on superhero costumes is considered dirty pool. We inevitably compare them to the real movie costume they're based on, which are usually worth thousands of dollars and are supported by legions of makeup artists and CGI wizards.
That said, here stands the worst Batman costumes ever. Though, it was a nice, subtle touch that the adult wore a pair of smart, Bruce Wayne shoes with the costume, as if he had to get his gear on short notice and forgot to change them.
Wait, it gets worse!
Read the third and final page of Halloween costume atrocities!
Here's Robin Hood, standing proudly with the weapon he's least famous for. What's wrong Germany, couldn't you find a boomerang to give him?
These two represent the two houses of German parliament, according to an update we just posted on Wikipedia.
Do you see this Hillary Clinton? Do you see?! Look into the true face of socialized medicine!
It's the neck trunks that make these costumes, since we're all picturing the guy chatting up another party guest while sucking down a nearby beer with his trunk (for the purposes of this scenario, we're assuming the guy just got a tracheotomy).
Hey, you know who would find this offensive? Cavemen. You know who else? Fucking everybody.
This costume relies on a well-known stereotype, the greedy Asian chef. In Germany, Asian chefs are routinely blamed for the country's ills.
Admittedly, we've grouped a bunch of the most racially tone-def costumes together; very few of the costumes we saw on German costume websites were this bad. But let's be honest: These costumes should never have been made in the first place. It's like they've never even seen a person in Germany who wasn't white.
Could it get any worse than this?
Well, that looks utterly impractical. At least it's kind of cute. Hey, we wonder what else could be done in this vein?
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.