#14: Gummy Bears
Maybe you wouldn't be completely ashamed if your fourth grade friends found out you enjoyed "high adventure that's beyond compare," but for a concept that's in the running for "Most Improbable Product Tie-In Ever" (let us not forget "Rubix: The Amazing Cube!"), the show actually featured some halfway decent fantasy-type adventure. Still, did the singer, with his soft and lilting tones, have to make the main characters sound like such damn pussies?
#13: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Latent homosexual undertones? Oh, come on, you're overreacting. Just because he's called "He-man""¦ we mean, sure, that's smirk's a little suggestive, and that pageboy haircut doesn't exactly scream, "Come meet my girlfriend" …Oh God, did he just call his powers "fabulous?" Tell me his costume isn't really just glorified S&M gear. Holy crap, He-Man's a madge.
(Side note: We'd completely forgotten that "He-man" was a secret identity, but a leather harness ranks just below the removal of Clark Kent's glasses as the worst superhero disguise ever.)
Oh, don't act so shocked, you knew it was coming. Sure, the lyrics immortalize what we imagine was the greatest product pitch of the late twentieth century ("They're like robots! But, you know, in disguise"), but the music is atonal, screeching and forgettable. Half of the time the lyrics don't even fit. Especially enjoyable is when the songwriters try to squeeze the four syllables of "Decepticons" into a space where only one is available. So sorry, robo-fans. It was a great show, and an unbeatable idea, but amazingly crap-tastic composing.
"Well, boys, we're down to the wire here. The network wants the show tomorrow, and all we're missing is the theme. Animation, this looks great. Top notch art. Music guys, you've done well. The beat is catchy, and I love the searing guitar riffs. Writers, what have you got for me? Wait, are you kidding? This is literally the word "Thundercats" written thirty-odd times in a row. How much are we paying you? Look, I don't care if your wife just left you. Anyway, it's too late now. Just record the damn thing."