I have more animal articles than anyone else on cracked. If you have an animal pitch that you need help with hit me up. I am the reigning expert.

COLUMN: I'm also a columnist for Daft Gadgets where they let me get away with waaaaaaaay too much. I write articles and humorous product descriptions. (www.daftgadgets.com)

COMICS: I throw up comics for Real Toy Gun with a few of the boys from the Craption forums. Soon to become a real website. (realtoygun.blogspot.com)

BLOG: Sometimes I write about odd stuff that cracked won't publish. Sometimes I put up the full articles before the editors cut them down to size. Sometimes I just try to piss people off. (http://thelastmonte.wordpress.com)

CRAPTIONS: And lastly you can find me in the Craptions forums regularly where I judge and make smartass remarks. (http://www.cracked.com/forums/forum/craption-contest)


There's not much else to say really, except perhaps:

I'm a ninja for hire
An ice cube on fire
A soothsayer and liar
Deceitful, dashing and dire
A menacing muse muddling meanings in the mire
My mind tumbles around like a cat in a dryer
When its down to the wire I get lit like a pyre
Kicking hobbits out the shire
In jet black attire like a cocaine supplier
Cuz I aspire to acquire your ire
And all you sucker MCs can call me sire...

I am also available for freelance work depending upon how pretty you are.


Number Of Articles: 30