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The Silliest Harry Potter F**k Fiction Ever (NSFW)

There is a saying among the darker corners of the internet that "if it exists, there is porn for it." Perhaps the weirdest proof of this is Harry Potter erotica. Erotic fan fiction makes sense in a way (i.e. - Princess Leia in a gold bikini), but the Harry Potter series is not only for kids but about kids. These stories are written by pre-teens for pre-teens (and 40-year-old creeps) about pre-teens, and that is weird. And gross. But make 'em all 18 and it's ANYONE'S BALLGAME!!! Sorry, LiveJournal. Even though mine is stupider, it's also way better.

Harry Potter and The Tight-Ass Orgy

Chapter 1: Whirling Dursleys

Harry was finally 18, as was every single person he knew. Some of his sexier acquaintances were barely 18, but still 18 nonetheless. Compliant with Muggle and Magical law, everyone now wore ID badges that read "Yes, I am at least 18." These badges were prominently displayed above or near some sexy-ass titties. Some even showed nip.

Harry awoke in the Dursley's empty home, number 4 Privet Drive. He had long since murdered all three of them, as he was tired of fucking around for several chapters before anything interesting happened. He sat up in bed, thought of Hermione, had his first j/o session of the day, and then ate some breakfast.

Today he was to return to Hogwarts Magical School of Wizardry, Witchcraft, and Sexual Exploration. His bag was already packed, meaning he needed to drain his ball sack again, so he had another epic j/o session. Wasting no time, other than those initial two j/o sessions, he grabbed his packed bag (meaning his luggage), and headed out the door. Magic was not involved, although it easily could have been.

Chapter 2: Hogwarts Sexpress

Hogwarts Express was alive with chatter of summery things.

"What did you do this summer?" a soon-to-be-wizard would ask.

"Oh, you know," a different soon-to-be-wizard would reply. "Thought of blow-jays and Quidditch or some other bullshit." This continued for some time as they all ate candy and tried to hide their boners and wetties, depending on their gender.

The rest of the train ride was spent on foreshadowing.

Chapter 3: Everyone Comes (To Hogwarts)

Arriving at Hogwarts was thrilling, but only in the manner in which it always is.

Chapter 4: Professor? I Hardly Know Her!

Dumbledore stood at the front of the Great Hall as students and teachers feasted upon Gribblepots and Boobystimps. The Headmaster looked quite aged, but still up for pretty much anything as long as there was no cuddling afterward.

"Thank you all for enduring that excruciating Sorting Hat Ceremony," he whispered. "Let us all please try to wake up for the introduction of your new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Bonebubble." He gestured to his right where a tall leggy blonde stood. Her tits were like ba-dang, her ass was like ka-pow, and Harry bet her pussy tasted like sweet butterbeer.

Professor Bonebubble walked to the podium as all eyes ogled her, even the girls' eyes. Not all the girls, of course, as Hermione got instantly jealous. So jealous, in fact, that she reached down and placed both of her hands on a cock, one belonging to Harry and the other belonging to Ron. One was significantly larger than the other, but she would never reveal which until the following year's Truth Or Dare Magstravaganza.

"Greetings, students," cooed Bonebubble. "I look forward to enlightening you all in the ways of curses, boogerboos, cunderclits, and other such magical nonsense." She pushed her breasts together as if to say, "Mmmm-hmmmm... yeah..." The hall let out a collective moan, except for Hermione, who just squeezed Ron and Harry's dicks harder.

"Mine!" Hermione snapped.

"I hope we have a great time getting to know each other," Bonebubble continued. "Although I understand that I will probably be dead or fired by the end of the year."

The hall let out a collective groan, except for Hermione, who let go of the two dicks and huffed off in a puff. Dumbledore stood once more.

"And now if the younger students could leave so we can begin the Porking Hat Ceremony," Dumbledore whispered. "That would be fucking great."

Chapter 5: Incumtations

Hermione was fast asleep by the time everyone arrived at the dorms. Normally the boys and some of the girls would love to watch the deliciously smooth skin of her deliciously delicious breasts rise and fall as she breathed in and out, but they all just wanted to have a private j/o or diddle session to thoughts of Professor Bonebubble's everything. They did and they slept soundly. All, of course, except for Harry...

Chapter 6: Wet Dreams May Cum

Harry pulled out his wand and showed it to Hermione.

No, Hermione said, sexily. I meant your penis.

Oh, Harry muttered, quite embarrassed. He quickly whipped out his penis and presented it to Hermione in the most business-like of fashions.

She pulled out her own wand sexily and pointed it at Harrys wand. The first instance of wand meant wand while the second meant penis.

Cockatum Erectum! she shouted sexily as colorful sparks flew from her wand (read: wand). The sparks settled and she could see Harrys now quite erect wand (read: penis).

Time to take your OWLs or whatever, he told her.

But Harry, Hermione began, sexily. OWLs arent for another couple of weeks!

Harry remembered what Dumbledore always said about the charms of Swibberdot Gwindlebarm and collected his thoughts/penis.

No, I mean-Like he began. I want you to jerk off my Gryffindork.

Jerkoffus Ejaculatum? Hermioned asked sexily.

Yes, Hermione, Harry confirmed. Jerkoffus Ejaculatum.

Suddenly, Harry felt an intense pain in his scar/penis. He saw a white light and a vision of Hermiones shirt being off, followed by Hagrid sucking on her bare-ass titties.

Yeah, Hermione moaned sexily. Bludger my Golden Snatch.

Harry looked over and saw Voldemort in the corner, playing with himself on a pile of dead Muggles. To his left was Peter Pettigrew, petting his peter as it grew. Ron was not present.

There was another flash of light. The pain in Harrys scar/penis was gone.

Hermione! he began to shout, ready to investigate what this vision could possibly mean. Before he could, though, he realized he was too busy licking her asshole.

After a magical and way sweaty Hufflefuck, Harry wanted to go again. Hermione declined because she had Defense Against the Dark Arts (AKA Proper Condom Use). Unfortunately for her, Harry would not take no for an answer and he forced her down to her Hermio-knees.

The Sorting Hat really botched that one, huh?

Should have put him in Rapenclaw.

Chapter 7: Wet Dreams Did Cum

Harry woke up in a sweaty kind of sweat, but also he was pretty sure he blew a load in his sleep. His nightmare was over, but was it really over? Yeah, probably. He was definitely awake now, free from the demonic grasp of He-Who-Must-Fuck-Your-Brains.

At least for now, Harry said aloud.

What? asked a groggy Ron, who had just finished having quite the enchanted wank.

Oh, nothing, Ron, Harry explained. Go back to sleep.

I wasnt sleeping, Ron told him as he pointed his wand (read: wand) to the mess on his sheets. Cummio Kleenexum! he shouted, and the mess was gone. Ok, goodnight, then.

Rons manly snoring filled the dormitory. Harry, still shaken from his awful/fantastic rape dream, sat up in bed. His hormones were burning almost as red hot as the scar on his penis and his penis combined. There were dark workings afoot indeed. Perhaps it was his recent outbreak of Hogwarts, perhaps it was part of Voldemort's evil plan, perhaps it was because Draco called him a huge fag earlier, but something had to be done. Harry needed Hermione as far as her vagina was concerned. He would do his best to not rape her, because he is the hero of the story, but one way or another he would make sure his Slytherin would slither in to her mystical moistness.

Harry slept, but not before having quite the enchanted wank.

Chapter 8: Oh, Boy! The Holidays!!!

It was suddenly Christmastime, and everyone seemed to care. Decorations adorned the halls of Hogwarts in a manner that screamed "this is the part of the book that takes place during the holidays." Everyone went home while Harry stayed at school, got bored, discovered something or other about whatever the hell, and then it wasn't Christmastime anymore.

Chapter 9: Back To The Grind

Everyone returned from Christmastime Holidays, and there was still a very odd sense of caring. The students talked of how incredibly horny they were, and of Voldemort's possible influence on their loins. Spells were cast, cums were had, and classes commenced. Boredom quickly ensued, but not before Professor Snape's sinister nature was insinuated by the author. The author, however, was probably full of shit.

Chapter 10: Premature and Fast Elation

The school year was almost over, which meant that things needed to pick up considerably, plot-wise. Harry's wet dreams were getting worse/better and more frequent. Sometimes they involved Hermione, sometimes they involved Ron's sister Ginny, sometimes they involved Professor Bonebubble, but they all involved Voldemort jerking off onto a pile of dead Muggles. What did they mean? Maybe nothing, but probably not that.

Hermione had been doing extensive research on the subject, fucking and sucking her way through the Ministry of Pornographick Magicks. Up until now she had discovered very little, as everyone she had fucked and/or sucked had turned out to be one or both of the Weasley twins in less-than-convincing disguises. For such a clever little witch, she sure was a willing little slut. 18 years old, of course.

Today, though, she had managed to fuck and suck the Minister of Pornographick Magicks herself, Wimberfox Cunnyjuice. Hermione burst through the dormitory doors, her tits really begging to be slapped around a bit.

"Harry!" she shouted sexily, breasts heaving. "I can't believe I hadn't thought of this! It's the Nocturnicus curse! Of course!"

"What's that?" Harry asked.

"It makes you ejaculate at night, Harry," she replied sexily and bitchily, which in this case were sort of the same thing. "Nocturnicus Ejaculatum. I think Voldemort is preparing you for something, Harry. Something big."

"I got something big for you right here," Harry replied, grabbing his crotch in the vulgarest of ways.

"No, Harry," Hermione sighed. "Something else."

"But what?" Harry asked like a big dumb idiot.

"I don't know," she answered, breasts still heaving.

In that moment, Harry knew. He could feel it in his penis' scar and in his penis. He knew and he was willing to give in. He was just so bloody horny, ya know? He knew the required curse.

"Fuck it," he said, and raised his wand (wand). "Orgiatus Initiatum!" he shouted, and sparks flew from his wand (wand). Hermione's clothes flew off her body as Professor Bonebubble walked in.

"Harry!" she cooed. "What in Merlin's cock are you doing?!?"

"Orgiatus Initiatum!" Harry shouted again, causing Bonebubble's clothes to fly off her body. This continued for quite some time until Hogwarts' tight-ass orgy was in full swing and everyone fucked everyone else.

Chapter 11: All Hail The Dark Lord

The school year was now over and Professor Bonebubble was totally dead. Everyone suspected Snape's involvement, but only in the way that meant he was probably fighting for good and just happened to be a bit of a prick about it. At the front of the Great Hall sat Voldemort, the guest of honor. Yes, they all fell victim to his evil plan, but fortunately his evil plan was just to get everyone laid. The students and teachers raised their glasses and thanked him for the fucking awesome time they just had.

"To Voldemort," whispered Dumbledore, who was still cumming a little bit.

"To Voldemort!" everyone else shouted.

"I can't believe this," muttered a sour Hermione, who was the one person that didn't manage to reach climax during the legendary orgy.

"Keep quiet," Harry told her, and slapped her in the tit. That shut her up.

Also, it made her climax.

Chapter 12: Happy Endings

Goodbyes were brief this year, as everyone was anxious to get home and masturbate to thoughts of the orgy they were all part of. Hagrid gave everyone hugs, but come to think of it he wasn't really important to the year's events so, fuck it, he was dead the whole time.

Harry said goodbye to his beloved Hogwarts, confident he would return for his third final year.

Chapter 13: Hogwarts Sexpress Again

The train ride back was boring as shit.

Chapter 14: Summer of Love

Upon returning home to the Dursley's, Harry kicked off his magic shoes and put on his regular slippers. He placed his broom in its case and briefly wished he had played at least one Quidditch match this year. Upon further thought, though, he realized Quidditch is kind of fucking stupid.

Harry sat down in his favorite chair and turned on the TV. He looked forward to watching television all summer, TV being something those in the wizarding world don't even seem to know exists. Seriously, do they even have TVs? What do they do to relax, hurl sparks at each other and stare at walls?

No fucking thank you, Harry thought. I want to watch my stories.

Before he would watch any television, though, he put his feet up on the still-rotting corpse of his cousin Dudley and had a particularly spectacular and overly-elaborate j/o session.

The End


Find out what happens to Harry and the gang (and the gang bang) in Harry Potter and the Naked Beastress's Enormous Cunt. Or find Cody on Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter.

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