A Harry Potter Protest (aka Quidditch is Bullshit)
With the cinematic release of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince coming later this week, I thought I'd revisit something that's bothered me for a long time. Here at Cracked, we've discussed the Harry Potter universe many times before, discussing individual movies, deconstructing the novels, speculating about whether the characters are doing it and arguing about whether us contemplating children doing it constituted an arrestable offense. But one thing we've never discussed is the sport of Quidditch, or more specifically, what a festering sore of a sport it is.
A brief explanation for our readers who aren't children or haven't read the novels or seen the films or eaten the promotional Harry Potter Chicken Sandwich at Burger King. Quidditch is a fictional sport invented by author J.K. Rowling for the Harry Potter novels. In it, two teams mounted on flying broomsticks attempt to score goals on one another in a sort of aerial combination of rugby and baseball. Amongst their number are players whose sole job is to hit baseball sized objects at competing players, in an attempt to maim them. If you think that doesn't sound too bad, you're right. As described, that sport is awesome, like a dinosaur doing a huge jump on a BMX bike.
The problem lies with the Golden Snitch. The Golden Snitch is an enchanted flying ball which darts around the field of play while the game progresses. Two players from either team attempt to capture the Golden Snitch. Capturing the Snitch rewards the team with 15 goals and ends the game immediately. So basically, unless one team has accumulated a 15 goal differential over the other (i.e. a comprehensive ass whupping), whoever captures the Snitch wins. The rest of the players simply don't matter. Even if your team is saddled with rookies, injured players or white guys, so long as your guy catches the Golden Snitch, you've won.
Imagine a football game, where you've got two teams running plays, throwing touchdowns and slapping each other on the ass. You know, football. But at the same time in the middle of the field you've got two guys playing tetherball. And the first guy to wind the ball completely up scores 93 points and ends the game. Your team could have Peyton "Laser Rocket Arm" Manning throwing passes to a platoon of Jerry Rices, and it wouldn't make a difference if the other team had a real tall kid.
How could Rowling have written this down and not realized what a piece of stool she'd created? Clearly the rules of Quidditch were designed to offer a role where Harry Potter could win games single-handedly. In a universe that revolves around Harry Potter this shouldn't be too surprising. That it's done so clumsily boggles the mind--the rest of the novels are otherwise logically coherent. Is it possible Rowling has some sort of dyslexia where she's unable to wrap her head around sports, or even to comprehend what's going on while watching a sporting event? Sort of like what John Madden has?
I'm far from the first person to have noticed this. The real world sport of Muggle Quidditch attempts to take the fictional sport and bring it to life in meatspace. If it helps you to visualize, imagine a sport played by people who enjoy Disc Golf and Live Action Role Playing. Could one of these, horribly, horribly mentally-ill people have cottoned on to the fact that the published rules for the game make no sense? Why yes they have. Muggle Quidditch deals with the Golden Snitch problem in a sensible way--by chasing a spandex clad man across the field while trying to grab one of his three balls.
Both these men volunteered to do this.
Critically, the value of the snitch has been reduced to three goals, though its capture still ends the game. This no longer guarantees a win by capturing the snitch, but it still makes it nearly impossible to win the game without it. So it's a small improvement, but not a total one. I guess expecting great things while observing people who run around wearing capes with brooms clenched between their legs is a recipe for disappointment and full body shivers.
Recall that in his first match, Harry Potter caught the snitch by accident, in his mouth.
I suppose I may be overthinking this. The first book where the rules were originally laid out (Harry Potter and the Escape to Witch Mountain) was written primarily for kids, and it's reasonable for Rowling and her Editor to have assumed that children might not care too much about the tactical or strategic implications of the rules for the flying broom game. That nasally-voiced nerds like myself got a hold of the novels was a fluke--a once in a generation turdstorm of commercial success. That I care about the rules for a fictional game says more about me and the priorities I've made in my life (Doritos, Harry Potter, Loneliness) than it does about Rowling.
On the other hand, I have a column to write, and non-nude soul searching rarely gets more page views than angry calls-to-arms printed in capital letters. Extreme action is going to be required if we're to get these novels and films changed now, which as near as I can tell IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE OUTCOME. I'm asking all Cracked readers who will be attending this week's premiere of the new Harry Potter movie to do so with a ball hanging out of the back of their shorts. If questioned by theater management or the media, scream, "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE FORCED ME TO DO! LOOK AT THE RUIN YOU HAVE WROUGHT J.K. ROWLING!" Try and swing around a bit to get your snitch to collide with people nearby. If striking people with a spare testicle isn't a positive way to enact change, I don't know what is. Dangle proud, brothers and sisters. Dangle strong.
__
Whatever, I still want to play.
ReplyI think it was done more for comedic effect. A few passing lines in the text, I remember, mention games that have gone on for months because the snitch was never caught, with players alternating with extras so that they can eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. The snitch MUST be caught for the game to win, and the wizards take that very seriously.
ReplyYou should read 'Quidditch Through the Ages'. There is a great explanation to the reasoning behind the high point value I believe.
ReplyHoly shit, I just remembered I have the book sitting on my dresser at my dad's place.
The "sport" is clearly designed to highlight the protagonists role. It's the perfect literary device, but obviously total bullshit as a real sport.
ReplyThere's one good fanfic I've read where Harry gets very annoyed by that rule, it's funny.
ReplyHarry Potter and the Methods of Rationality?
But the thing is, that it isn't just single games that matter in Quidditch. After the entire year, the team with the most points win. So even if certain teams end up winning the games because they caught the snitch, those extra goals earned during play time get added into the final score of each house to determine the winner of the Quidditch Cup.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThis is actually a compelling argument.
in addition to that, the longer the game runs, the more worthless the snitch is (meaning more points are scored the ordinary way) and since its not easy to catch (read below) it pretty much evens itself out
and i still dont understand why it bugs people so much... its like trying to catch a bird that is flying between 0-10 feet off the ground....in the middle of a highway.... not only is it stupidly dangerous due to the amount of focus u need to not become a mashed potato and still find it, but theres also another guy who is either trying to push u into traffic or holding up a sign telling cars to hit u
no clue why it looks like this
@hippossa About the snitch being worthless, yes we see mention of that but never actually witness it. It's f*****g pointless in the main canon as every Quidditch match we see is neatly wrapped up in under 20 pages. Now I'm just as glad as the rest of us that we didn't endure a 5 week long Quidditch match in the books, but why even have this rule other than to make the Seeker the badass/hero of the books for Krum and Harry respectively.
@bongmitzvah, that's true...however you could have someone just like Harry, someone who has the magical power of Main Characterness and catches the snitch every game they play. Unless these teams are really really unbalanced I doubt anyone can make up a 45+ goal deficit
it doesnt actually make it any less retarded
If catching the snitch simply ended the game with no additional points awarded, I think it would make the concept more viable. In that way, the Seekers could have a dual role: guard the snitch when their team is behind, and catch it when they're ahead. It'd be even better though to just completely eliminate the snitch and add a time limit, since then it'd be the awesome scenario that Bucholz describes at the beginning of the article.
ReplyI... like this idea. o_o It sounds much more interesting.
I always assumed the rules were silly and nonsensical because it was based on cricket. മ_മ
ReplyI played Cricket for 4 years while at university and there was barely any mention of a snitch.
I seriously can't be the only person to think of making muggle Quidditch a water sport, can I? It removes those ridiculous brooms and adds the necessary vertical movement.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAlso, if animal cruelty isn't an issue, the snitch is a goldfish.
somehow youve come up with something even more retarded than harry potter's quidditch
I would play that game.
Wouldn't that just turn it into water polo with a goldfish?
I mean, the goals will need to be above water, because no one is going to be able to throw a ball any significant distance while submerged. So, you know, water polo.
According to one of the small transcribed books, Quidditch Through the Ages, the original Snitch was a Snidget, a magical hummingbird-like golden bird with a a round body. I'm not advocating it, but it kind of puts the goldfish into perspective. Also, would it really be worse than giving them away as carnival prizes in plastic bags?
I'd rather have that live action murderchess game from the end of the first book.
ReplyIf a pitcher pitches a no hitter, or a goalie (hockey or soccer) allows no goals, it is impossible to win. But victor Krum can catch the snitch and still lose
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesexcept that the difference between pitching a no hitter and catching the snitch is the difference between climbing mount everest and running a 10-minute mile. One happens on a daily basis, the other is considered the greatest challenge in sports.
f**ktons of people climb Everest all the time. All you need is wads of cash and not be morbidly obese.
You can even fly up there with a helicopter if you wanted.
you could try that, but the air's a tad thin for helicopters up on everest and the weather too unstable. otherwise, there'd a lot fewer deaths up there.
Not sure how riding a helicopter would count as climbing. By that logic, wouldn't taking a cruise ship count as swimming to Tahiti?
i think exosus's point was that kingkurt is a moron
Actually some crazy bastard French pilot successfully landed a Eurocopter AS 350 B3 on Everest's summit back in '05.
That rule always bothered me.
ReplyAll I can say is that seekers do tend to be points of interest for other players, and aren't exempt from having their skull crushed by a bludger. Plus, the snitch is incredibly fast and small, and I think one of her books mentioned a snitch actually flying off the playing field and such.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesGreat article though, I love some Harry Potter bashing every once in a while.
Yeah cuz a game that takes a week because the snitch flew out of the field and nobody can find it is soooo much better.
I think it's been mentioned that some Quidditch games have taken months to finish.
The Snitch never flies off the pitch. And the Quidditch game that took months ended in a tie, because both teams gave up.
Oh God. Somebody save me.
okay we are all nerds here...let me just say that it just a fictional game that some of us have taken a bit too far. with that being said, you guys are talking like the seeker is in his own little world while everyone else is playing a different game. you have to realize that while they are looking else-were you crack them on the skull and that it,so along with the other responsibilities of the chasers and the beaters you can add stop other teams seeker, i don't even think they throw you out of the game if you kill the guy.
ReplyWell actually, the whole role of the seeker is to avoid everyone else, find the snitch, and catch it before the other seeker does. Also if their team is at least 150 points behind, they have to wait for their team to catch up so they can still win. It's possible to catch the snitch and still lose the game.
If I'm not mistaken, somewhere in the books it mentioned that throughout the season total points scored by each team were what decided who played in the final game (and I'm assuming the same goes with professional Quidditch in the semi-finals and finals). So if a team wanted to make it to the end it was necessary for them to score as many goals as possible, as well as catch the snitch.
ReplyThat being said, I still think catching the snitch should be worth less, like maybe 70 points? That would at least make the final game more interesting, IMO.
Two worst Quidditch-related facts in the entire series:
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies1) WHY WOULD U GET THE SNITCH UNLESS U WERE LESS THAN 150 POINTS BEHIND??? THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE IF YOU GET THE SNITCH. DON'T GRAB IT! (Yes, that one really annoys me, so it's capped)
and
2) Early in the series, it is said that some games (with professionals, representing their countries) have been known to last days. However, when played by high school kids, no game seems to ever last longer than 10 minutes. Ginny Weasley must be REALLY GOOD at flying and catching that snitch.
Maybe the kids play handicapped Quidditch where the snitch is at half speed.
Also, what if you know that the other seeker will catch it? Better lose by 10 points than 160.
The letter 'U' is not, has not and will never be a word.
Correction to zkiuruse: It would be 10 points and 310 points. That's the really fucked up thing, catching the snitch scores you 150 points and stops the enemy seeker from scoring 150. Having a better seeker is worth 300 points.
If you have read any of the books or any of the movies, you would know that the snitch is the size of a grape and darts around an area the size of a football field, only the football field is also hundreds of meters in the air
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesObviously you havent seeing as the snitch is the size of a f**king golf ball or walnut. YEAH, NERD RAGE!!!!!!
It's the size of a baseball
It's the size of a basketball, and Harry captures it with his ass.
IT'S THE SIZE OF THE EPCOTT CENTER LOLZ
Nobody is arguing that the snitch isn't hard to catch. What everybody is arguing is that it renders the quaffle and chasers and goalie ENTIRELY IRRELEVANT to the game because the snitch is worth so many points it's basically insta-win for anybody outside of the highest professional circuits.
The snitch is the size of Uranus... wait are we still doing that?
It's the size of a tennis ball.
THANK YOU. I have ALWAYS hated this. I love Harry Potter- I'm a total nerd I know. But I always thought- WTF? Nobody else even matters. I thought of it as soccer, but with one 'special' player who ran around the field like a retard trying to catch something, and if they did, YAY! we won.
ReplyI don't know what's more disturbing to me: the fact that my 22 year old brain JUST realized the biggest bull shit rule in Quidditch, or the fact that I got annoyed at brian for being wrong about the World Cup game in Book 4. Cedric Diggory, really?? He's the one who dies at the end. Alb Vega is right about Viktor Krum. The only Hogwart's student that was mentioned as a professional Quidditch player was Oliver Wood and he wasn't even playing that game AND he was a reserve player.
Reply...scratch that. I'm disturbed that I know way too much about Harry Potter and am 22...
I'm not that much younger than you [19], and I, too, am awfully disturbed by this. How could none of us have realized that Quidditch is total bulls**t. Fuck you, J.K. Rowling. Fuck you with a muddy Bludger.
Don't be annoyed at brian for being wrong. Dude did the best he could with what he had.
In book 4, who captures the Snitch in the losing team is Viktor Krum, not Cedric.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesDon't argue with internet comedy writers AND another nerds without bringing your A+ game.
stfu we dont give a flying c**k about wat happens in the book!
Indeed nerds(like myself) take no prisoners
Sorry DUDEMANPIG, but the same thing happens in the movie too. Diggory is in no way playing in the game. Not in the book and not in the movie.