Today, for the first time in our nation's proud history, Cracked.com liveblogged the shit out of the Inauguration. Also, as you'll see below, President Barack Obama flubbed his lines while taking the oath of office. And based on our understanding of constitutional law, that means he is our nations first Rogue President.
-"Jesus, George Bush Senior looks like shit."
-"Jesus, Joe Biden looks like Hardcore Holly."
-"This liveblog will end up being very miserable and somber if Obama gets assassinated.
-"The fact that I can only think of this assassination in terms of how it affects me and the Cracked liveblog is maybe my worst quality as a human being."
Also, they are actually booing President Bush. That is totally happening. Millions of people booing. That is a sound he will never forget.
They just showed Barack walking up and down the hall. There's a screaming crowd. People are chanting...I'm not entirely convinced that this isn't just a special extended edition of Monday Night Raw.
There he is! There he fucking is! Swinging Joe Biden, looking crazy and completely out of it as usual.
Since it looks like Swaim and G-Balls are suffering from technical difficulties, (more like testicle difficulties, right? [I'm implying that they're getting gay-sex-married to each other]), I'll just respond to what I said.
"I agree with everything Dan said at 11:35, and I'd add that he's incredibly talented and is a veritable volcano of raw, sexual energy, by which I mean he is impressive, powerful and deadly."
Although humorously enough, I guess people praying for Obamas failure are in some way assuming his success.
The first official mention of the middle name and they went with H. Lends some credence to my theory that Hussein, muttered at the actual signing-in, will be the code word for terrorists to explode the Capitol building.
Also, Im pretty sure some of these people are chanting ObaMA. ObaMA. I think Ive been mispronouncing his name for, like, ever.
And is the reflecting pool filled with people? Are people literally wading shin-deep in freezing water to see this happen? THATS America, friends.
The way Rick Warren said Malia and Sasha really creeped me out. Its like he was pitching their names as possible new soft drink flavors to a large board of investors. Quench your thirst with some Maleeeeya, maybe take the edge off with a thirst-busting Sashuh.
If Rick Warren hates gays so much why did he steal Charles Nelson Reilly's manner of speaking?
Well, at least they managed to get Aretha to sing without her giant, pendulous breasts falling out. Seriously, she does that:
They couldnt stop her from elongating the final note to elaborate and heroic proportions though. No, they couldnt stop that.
Itzhak AND Yo-yo playing John Williams? Its like the ultimate considered sophisticated but still known to most of middle class America supergroup! Im expecting a nation-wide tour with Asia opening, gents.
The news just said Williams composed it for Obama's inauguration, but i have it on good authority that Lucas cut it from Attack of the Clones when he deleted the scene in which Jar Jar Binx farts. Twice.
This honestly feels important and historic. (I'm talking, of course, about the House marathon on USA all day.) Meanwhile this inauguration or whatever. Barack is shockingly calm. Here it is. Rosa Parks sat, so Martin Luther King could stand. He stood, so Barack Obama could run. And Obama ran, so I could sit in my apartment on inauguration day and masturbate majestically.
Since he flubbed the opening of the oath, does that mean hes not really President? I mean technically? Or even worse, does it mean that he IS President, but not bound by the oath?! Gasp! ROGUE PRESIDENT!
The nations woes are due to the irresponsibility and greed of some. If I were you Wayne, Id be blushing right about now.
Dan: Yes, but are you playing John Williams? Because thats what Im imagining. Specifically the Jurassic Park theme.
Some people say that Obama is unrealistic and overly optimistic. Not so says Obama. In his address, Obama seeks only to "harness the sun." At this point, I'd say something witty and urbane about Icarus, but I don't feel like explaining it to Dan. And y'know speaking of Dan, I've been taking crap from him all week. He keeps saying he's more qualified to live blog because he's 1/8 Black. Well, Dan, let me remind you that Obama is 50% White, and I'm 100% White. So, I'm 100% like 50% of Obama whereas you are only 1/8th like 50% of Obama. Accordingly, I'm more like Obama than you, and more qualified to blog about this historic African American.
Wow, Gladstone, a long almost witty post that has only passing relevance to the events. It's almost like you prepared this in advance. It's cool, though, I'm sure thinking on your feet gets tough at your age. Walking on your feet, too. Also, keeping all your hair and not dying. All difficult for you.
Meanwhile, Im still stuck on the harnessing the sun line.
Now THERES some super-science I can stand behind. Fuck Kennedys moon landing shit. Were going to literally RIDE THE SUN LIKE A HORSE. Godspeed, you doomed astronauts.
Dan: how come your nametag gets a drop shadow? What a gyp. And yes, Cracked fans, I am referring to filthy, thieving gypsies.
Obama: Its not the size of your GDP, its how you extend it. (holds hands about fifteen inches apart, winks).
Threatening terrorists. Never a risky PR move. Maybe thats why Bush used that tactic exclusively for 6 years.
Swaim: Drop shadows are for closers. You've got to earn it.
I'm supposed to respond to Swaim right now, but I'm currently hearing the worst poem ever written and it's distracting me. Something poetic about "boom boxes." In any event, I'm supposed to respond, but Swaim riffed on my pre-existing sun reference, so I'm afraid that would be too self-referential and masturbatory. (Better left to Ross Wolinsky -- oh , you don't like that Ross? Well if it's not true, just leave a blog post right here! No? That's what I thought!)
Its awesome to me that they had to put choir together just to match the vocal intensity of Aretha Franklin. Womans a legend.
Spotted Gore in the audience. Remember him? He had that movie. Heat, I think it was.
I love that the commentators dont dare speak over anything except the poet recitation. We dont care about the poem, and they absolutely know it. Welcome to America. Party Game: imagine the poem is describing your penis.
we walk into that we cannot yet see.
we are spiny or smooth.
we built the glistening edifices we would later work inside of.
some live by love, others by do no harm.
Hey, Barack's been president for like 12 minutes now and I'm still broke. What the fuck? I'm broke, and gas is expensive, we're still at war. I thought Barack was supposed to bring change. And did you guys know his middle name is Hussein? Are we positive this is the guy we want to put in charge of America Inc? He barely looks like he knows the Star Spangled Banner.
Most of the people in the crowd bolted as soon as the second prayer started.
Clinton clearly fell asleep at one point.
I may be broke, but Im typing this on a computer with a broadband Internet connection while Obamas brother is probably listening to it on a communal radio in his shanty town. Also, Ill be buying a bunch of Lotto tickets later.
The more things change, the more we get fat and watch Scrubs. YES. WE. CAN!
So, I'm watching Fox New's coverage bc only HULU's feed seems to be working for me. And according to Fox News there were no phrases from this speech which will ring through history. Fox is now concentrating on how Barack's goal is to reach out to the Muslim world. Speaking of conservatives who seemd intent in portraying Obama poorly, did anyone notice during the oath how Chief Justice Roberts said "so help you God?" with just a touch of doubt -- like "are you sure you love Jesus? No, really?"
George Bush is no longer the President. It's kind of important to me that I get to say that twice. In 2004, my friend Marne gave me "America: The Book" and wrote the inscription inside: "If we laugh about it, we can make it to 2009." And here we are.
G-Stone is the ruggedly handsome creator and host of HBN. He's the oldest Cracked blogger and not coincidentally the only Cracked blogger whose avatar is hand-drawn.
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked's most decorated, and modest columnist. He might be Spider Man.