Today, for the first time in our nation's proud history, Cracked.com liveblogged the shit out of the Inauguration. Also, as you'll see below, President Barack Obama flubbed his lines while taking the oath of office. And based on our understanding of constitutional law, that means he is our nations first Rogue President.
11:30 AM EST-Okay, okay okay. See, White People be inaugurating like this: Beep boop, doop. But Black People be inaugurating like this: Bmm Bmm Bff B-bmm B-mm Bff Aw, Yeah, Bmm Bmm Bff. Man, I've been sitting on that one for a while. Nailed it. Alright, for those following along at home, I'm watching on MSNBC. If you're anything like me, here's what you're thinking:
-"Jesus, George Bush Senior looks like shit."
-"Jesus, Joe Biden looks like Hardcore Holly."
-"This liveblog will end up being very miserable and somber if Obama gets assassinated.
-"The fact that I can only think of this assassination in terms of how it affects me and the Cracked liveblog is maybe my worst quality as a human being."
Also, they are actually booing President Bush. That is totally happening. Millions of people booing. That is a sound he will never forget.
11:35 AM EST-Dick Cheney is in a wheelchair because of, according to MSNBC, "A freak box-related incident that took place while he was moving out of the White House." Is the inauguration even wheelchair-friendly? If they leave Cheney on the top of the stairs for the next four hours, I think we can call everything even.
11:39 AM EST-
They just showed Barack walking up and down the hall. There's a screaming crowd. People are chanting...I'm not entirely convinced that this isn't just a special extended edition of Monday Night Raw.
11:39 AM EST-
There he is! There he fucking is! Swinging Joe Biden, looking crazy and completely out of it as usual.
11:40 AM EST-
Since it looks like Swaim and G-Balls are suffering from technical difficulties, (more like testicle difficulties, right? [I'm implying that they're getting gay-sex-married to each other]), I'll just respond to what I said.
"I agree with everything Dan said at 11:35, and I'd add that he's incredibly talented and is a veritable volcano of raw, sexual energy, by which I mean he is impressive, powerful and deadly."
11:42 AM EST-Well Dan, if Bush follows in the mold of other recent Republican ex-Presidents, he will indeed forget that sound, and in fact everything else he knows. Which may be a blessing, if Obama swoops in on fairy wings and fixes everything in the world and gives us all manual release, as people seem to be expecting. Well, most people.
Although humorously enough, I guess people praying for Obama’s failure are in some way assuming his success.
11:45 AM EST-
The first official mention of the middle name and they went with “H.” Lends some credence to my theory that “Hussein,” muttered at the actual signing-in, will be the code word for terrorists to explode the Capitol building.
Also, I’m pretty sure some of these people are chanting “ObaMA. ObaMA.” I think I’ve been mispronouncing his name for, like, ever.
And is the reflecting pool filled with people? Are people literally wading shin-deep in freezing water to see this happen? THAT’S America, friends.
11:48 AM EST-Wow, there's like a billion people there and only about eight people clapped for Rick Warren.
11:52 AM EST-So I'm having all sorts of technical problems with CNN and MSN. We're off to a rocky start Obama! First my government-issue unicorn wouldn't turn right and then there were all those potholes on the new rainbow I rode to work. And now I can't watch the inauguration. Seriously, my MSN feed is cutting in and out so bad I thought Diane Feinstein was speaking in tongues.
11:53 AM EST-
The way Rick Warren said “Malia” and “Sasha” really creeped me out. It’s like he was pitching their names as possible new soft drink flavors to a large board of investors. “Quench your thirst with some Maleeeeya, maybe take the edge off with a thirst-busting Sashuh.”
11:54 AM EST-
If Rick Warren hates gays so much why did he steal Charles Nelson Reilly's manner of speaking?
11:55 AM EST-
Well, at least they managed to get Aretha to sing without her giant, pendulous breasts falling out. Seriously, she does that:
They couldn’t stop her from elongating the final note to elaborate and heroic proportions though. No, they couldn’t stop that.
12 Noon EST-Swinging Joe Biden is the Vice President! Those beady little shark eyes of his have never looked so happy. And now Yo-Yo Ma is going to play some badass cello to a John Williams arrangement. If only someone, months ago, could have predicted that Barack Obama was going to do something majestic while John Williams music played ... If only. Oh, oh hang on a second: Fuck you, America, because I totally did that.
12:03 PM EST-
Itzhak AND Yo-yo playing John Williams? It’s like the ultimate “considered sophisticated but still known to most of middle class America” supergroup! I’m expecting a nation-wide tour with Asia opening, gents.
12:05 PM EST-OBAMA IS PRESIDENT
The news just said Williams composed it for Obama's inauguration, but i have it on good authority that Lucas cut it from Attack of the Clones when he deleted the scene in which Jar Jar Binx farts. Twice.
12:08 PM EST-
This honestly feels important and historic. (I'm talking, of course, about the House marathon on USA all day.) Meanwhile this inauguration or whatever. Barack is shockingly calm. Here it is. Rosa Parks sat, so Martin Luther King could stand. He stood, so Barack Obama could run. And Obama ran, so I could sit in my apartment on inauguration day and masturbate majestically.
12:12 PM EST-People cheered so hard it broke my Internet feed. I wish people would cheer like that every time I failed to repeat something intelligibly.
Since he flubbed the opening of the oath, does that mean he’s not really President? I mean technically? Or even worse, does it mean that he IS President, but not bound by the oath?! Gasp! ROGUE PRESIDENT!
The nation’s woes are due to “the irresponsibility and greed of some.” If I were you Wayne, I’d be blushing right about now.
Dan: Yes, but are you playing John Williams? Because that’s what I’m imagining. Specifically the Jurassic Park theme.
12:17 PM EST-
Some people say that Obama is unrealistic and overly optimistic. Not so says Obama. In his address, Obama seeks only to "harness the sun." At this point, I'd say something witty and urbane about Icarus, but I don't feel like explaining it to Dan. And y'know speaking of Dan, I've been taking crap from him all week. He keeps saying he's more qualified to live blog because he's 1/8 Black. Well, Dan, let me remind you that Obama is 50% White, and I'm 100% White. So, I'm 100% like 50% of Obama whereas you are only 1/8th like 50% of Obama. Accordingly, I'm more like Obama than you, and more qualified to blog about this historic African American.
12:22 PM EST-
Wow, Gladstone, a long almost witty post that has only passing relevance to the events. It's almost like you prepared this in advance. It's cool, though, I'm sure thinking on your feet gets tough at your age. Walking on your feet, too. Also, keeping all your hair and not dying. All difficult for you.
12:26 PM EST-Wow. It’s amazing the kind of hope and passion for economic recovery 150,000,000 dollars will buy you.
Meanwhile, I’m still stuck on the harnessing the sun line.
Now THERE’S some super-science I can stand behind. Fuck Kennedy’s moon landing shit. We’re going to literally RIDE THE SUN LIKE A HORSE. Godspeed, you doomed astronauts.
Dan: how come your nametag gets a drop shadow? What a gyp. And yes, Cracked fans, I am referring to filthy, thieving gypsies.
Obama: “It’s not the size of your GDP, it’s how you extend it.” (holds hands about fifteen inches apart, winks).
Threatening terrorists. Never a risky PR move. Maybe that’s why Bush used that tactic exclusively for 6 years.
12:30 PM EST-
Swaim: Drop shadows are for closers. You've got to earn it.
12:32 PM EST-
I'm supposed to respond to Swaim right now, but I'm currently hearing the worst poem ever written and it's distracting me. Something poetic about "boom boxes." In any event, I'm supposed to respond, but Swaim riffed on my pre-existing sun reference, so I'm afraid that would be too self-referential and masturbatory. (Better left to Ross Wolinsky -- oh , you don't like that Ross? Well if it's not true, just leave a blog post right here! No? That's what I thought!)
12:32 PM EST-What about “when albino will tame a rhino?” I’d like to see that.
It’s awesome to me that they had to put choir together just to match the vocal intensity of Aretha Franklin. Woman’s a legend.
Spotted Gore in the audience. Remember him? He had that movie. Heat, I think it was.
12:33 PM EST-I half-expected Obama to pull his hand away at the last second before shaking Bush’s. I don’t think anyone would begrudge him a “BOOM!” either.
I love that the commentators don’t dare speak over anything except the poet recitation. We don’t care about the poem, and they absolutely know it. Welcome to America. Party Game: imagine the poem is describing your penis.
“we walk into that we cannot yet see.”
“we are spiny or smooth.”
“we built the glistening edifices we would later work inside of.”
“some live by love, others by ‘do no harm.’”
12:38 PM EST-
Hey, Barack's been president for like 12 minutes now and I'm still broke. What the fuck? I'm broke, and gas is expensive, we're still at war. I thought Barack was supposed to bring change. And did you guys know his middle name is Hussein? Are we positive this is the guy we want to put in charge of America Inc? He barely looks like he knows the Star Spangled Banner.
12:46 PM EST-Dan, to be fair, I don’t know the Star Spangled Banner, and I was born when a baseball fucked an apple pie. So as things wind down, let us remember some simple facts:
Most of the people in the crowd bolted as soon as the second prayer started.
Clinton clearly fell asleep at one point.
I may be broke, but I’m typing this on a computer with a broadband Internet connection while Obama’s brother is probably listening to it on a communal radio in his shanty town. Also, I’ll be buying a bunch of Lotto tickets later.
The more things change, the more we get fat and watch Scrubs. YES. WE. CAN!
12:48 PM EST-
So, I'm watching Fox New's coverage bc only HULU's feed seems to be working for me. And according to Fox News there were no phrases from this speech which will ring through history. Fox is now concentrating on how Barack's goal is to reach out to the Muslim world. Speaking of conservatives who seemd intent in portraying Obama poorly, did anyone notice during the oath how Chief Justice Roberts said "so help you God?" with just a touch of doubt -- like "are you sure you love Jesus? No, really?"
12:55 PM EST-Closing Thougts: Well, that's all. Barack is the president, the crowd is chanting, though I don't think any two people are chanting the same thing, and all of America had to sit through the shittiest poem I've ever heard. I wonder, of all the people in that crowd, how many of them pissed themselves because it was easier than trying to find a bathroom. And Barack is taking Bush to his helicopter. Sarah Palin would be kicking herself at home, if I hadn't put her in a sex coma in the middle of Obama's speech. George Bush is no longer the president of the United States of America.
George Bush is no longer the President. It's kind of important to me that I get to say that twice. In 2004, my friend Marne gave me "America: The Book" and wrote the inscription inside: "If we laugh about it, we can make it to 2009." And here we are.
1:01 PM EST-Closing Thougts: According to tradition, the exiting President leaves a letter in his desk for the incoming President. A letter of advice, filled with Presidential lessons learned from the preceding years. Personally, I'm hoping Bush also left Obama an eraser.
G-Stone is the ruggedly handsome creator and host of HBN. He's the oldest Cracked blogger and not coincidentally the only Cracked blogger whose avatar is hand-drawn.
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked's most decorated, and modest columnist. He might be Spider Man.