Prologue: I have a time machine.
November 20, 2012. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The office of President John McCain. 2:00pm.
President John McCain has refused to give interviews or meet with the press throughout his entire term as president. Until now. Since Cracked.com is now the only reliable source of news in America, and since I am Cracked’s Senior Political Correspondent, President McCain has been kind enough to sit down with me for this very rare interview. I enter the Oval Office, and he is already waiting for me. He looks about 50 years older than he did when he took office and a thousand times more tired.
DOB:
Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
McCAIN:
Oh, absolutely. It’s always been important to me to be in touch with the press. No secrets in this administration, nothing but straight talk. I want to make sure that-
We are interrupted by a woman shrieking “WAIT” and running down the hall. The color drains from President McCain’s face.
McCAIN:
Oh, Jesus.
Vice President SARAH PALIN enters, wearing a pantsuit, one of those camouflage hunting caps, (the ones with the ear-flaps), and a clearly homemade sash that reads “Vice President.” She puts her hands on her hips and tilts her head to the side. Like a hockey mom, I guess.
PALIN:
You boys weren’t gonna start this interview without little old me, were you?
McCAIN:
(Quietly.)
We were certainly going to try.
PALIN:
Mr. O’Brien, I’m sorry I’m late. I told John-John – I call him “John-John”—
McCAIN:
She sure does. Every day.
PALIN:
… to come wake me up from my nap but he’s so forgetful that I guess it just slipped his mind. Things like that are always slipping his mind. That’s why I call him The Slipster.
DOB:
I thought it was John-John.
McCAIN:
Do you need a drink? I need a drink, I’m- I’m gonna pour myself a drink.
The President proceeds to the Presidential Liquor Cabinet, where he pours himself a 16 ounce glass of Scotch.
McCAIN:
You sure you don’t want some, Dan?
DOB:
Oh, I shouldn’t really be drinking when I work…and it looks like you sort of finished off the bottle, there…
PALIN:
Let’s get this interview started already. Let’s see if you can drag some answers out of us mavericks.
At “mavericks” she playfully nudges McCain, who it would appear becomes physically ill at her touch.
McCAIN:
Can we please get this over with?
PALIN:
Can’t imagine what sort of questions you’d have, everything seems to be in tip-top-shape, to me.
DOB:
Are…Really? You can’t imagine a single question I might have?
She stares back at me, with a giant smile.
DOB:
Okay, uh, let’s see. The economy. Let’s start there, why not? The average home, pulling in between $30,000 and $65,000 a year doesn’t…um, exist. That’s not a “home” anymore in the physical sense of the word. Just three years ago, that income was around middle, lower-middle class and now they are effectively homeless people. It gets better above that price bracket, but still, only the richest 1% of America lives comfortably.
McCAIN:
Well, I think the problem-
PALIN:
If I can just interstrike, here-
DOB:
Not a word.
PALIN:
-I want you to know that we won’t fall for this Gotcha journalism. Look, John-John and I aren’t like you and the rest of the media elite.
DOB:
I know. You live in a house.
McCAIN:
The bottom line is that we all need to watch our spending, pure and simple. It’s going to be tight for a while, but it’s the only way. Instead of complaining, we need to brainstorm on ways to cut back spending.
DOB:
Well I can say I’m certainly spending less on things like rent, water and electricity than ever before.
PALIN:
That’s the kind of fresh-thinking we need.
DOB:
It’s not fresh-thinking, Mrs. Palin, I sleep in a tree.
PALIN:
Don’t you mean Vice President Palin?
DOB:
I most certainly do not.
PALIN:
::Winks::
DOB:
Okay, on the topic of money, let’s talk about Iraq.
McCAIN:
I’m glad you brought that up, I couldn’t be more proud of our troops over there.
DOB:
Terrific, me too. If I may, though, what are we still doing there? What are we even looking for anymore?
McCAIN:
As long as terrorism thrives, we will not rest, we will not falter, we will not stop.
DOB:
Okay, I hear what you’re saying, and, hey, nobody hates terrorism more than this guy, right here. But, like, specifically, where are we going? What are we doing?
McCAIN:
Looking…Seeking out evil, tracking down those who hate freedom.
DOB:
Yes, okay, let’s completely get rid of evil, fine, but where? Because it seems like we’re just kind of wandering around with no destination.
McCAIN:
Our destination is wherever terror dwells.
DOB:
Pick a place.
McCAIN:
I don’t…
DOB:
Gimme a name. One name. Name a city. A town. Someone’s house, a mountain range, anything. Name a place.
McCAIN:
The…Gates of Hell?
PALIN:
That’s a strong answer.
DOB:
Fair enough. Just wanted to know where we were going.
McCAIN:
We?
DOB:
I’ve joined the army. Like so many other Americans today, I was sold on the prospect of having a tent.
PALIN:
There’s a patriot!
McCAIN:
Oh, for fu-
DOB:
Let’s move on to something equally depressing. Healthcare. What’ve you guys got for me on healthcare?
McCAIN:
To begin with-
PALIN:
Dan, if I could just jump right in, I’m not going to talk about Healthcare. I’m not going to answer any of the questions the way you want me to. Know why? The bottom line is, I’m clearly just a Washington Outsider, your average-
DOB:
Ah- Let me just- I wanna stop you, right there.
PALIN:
(Smiling)
Yea!
DOB:
It’s…the “Washington Outsider” pill is just a little bit harder to swallow these days.
PALIN:
I don’t follow.
McCain takes a big sip of scotch.
DOB: Well…You live in the White House. PALIN: ::Big Smile:: DOB: In Washington. PALIN: In what sense? DOB: ‘In what…?’ You mean, like, other than the geographic sense? PALIN: Phew, Holy Whiskers. Gosh, Boy, I tell you, you’re just not speaking my language, here. DOB: (Is “Holy Whiskers” even a colloquialism?) Uh, okay. Let’s see, how I can… McCAIN: Don’t- She’s not gonna get it, don’t waste your time. DOB: Okay, are you sure? Because I could draw her a diagram, or- McCAIN: We’ve tried diagrams, we’ve tried maps, and songs. A puppet show. She’s never gonna catch on. PALIN: What can I say? I’m a maverick. McCain, after a heavy sigh, digs deep into his coat pocket and pulls out a small, red, rubber BALL. He shows it to Sarah, who instantly perks up.
He moves the BALL side to side, and her eyes follow it precisely. After a few “fakeouts,” he tosses it out the door and down the hall. Palin bolts out after it. For almost a full minute, all is quiet. DOB: …Sir? A big sip. McCAIN: I use to have something. You know? DOB: Uh … Well, Sir, being the President - and, particularly in this current economic climate - a lot of people might say you have a lot right now. Like…everything. McCAIN: You misunderstand. Sure, I have power, wealth and I’m sitting in my eighth house right now, but what I used to have was self respect. Do you remember what I was like circa 2000-2004? DOB: I do. Very admirable, Mr. President. As a matter of fact, in 2000, I was furious that Bush was running and not you. You were passionate, charismatic, you were confrontational. It was very…honorable, even. Sure. Honorable. McCAIN: Noble? DOB: Slow down. McCAIN: But it doesn’t matter, now, you know? So what? You say I used to be noble. DOB: Never said ‘noble’- McCAIN: But what does that matter? That’s all gone now. I’m … I’m so ashamed and so disappointed in myself for all the compromises I’ve made. Personal compromises, to my integrity. I can’t even look in the mirror. I’m so ashamed, that I can’t live with myself. I want to kill myself because of all this shame … but I can’t. I can’t do that, because then Little Miss Dipshit Alaska would skip right into the Presidency. And knowing that I was responsible for that would hurt even worse than the incredible pain I feel with every waking second. Do you understand that? I’m feeling worse than I’ve ever felt in my entire life, but killing myself would hurt even worse than that. DOB: Wow, Sir. McCAIN: This … situation. What I’ve just described, what would you call that? What does that sound like to you? DOB: Well … I’d say that sounds like a fairly succinct definition of a Tragedy, in the truest sense of the word. McCAIN: A tragedy. That’s what I’d say, too. PALIN finally returns, without the rubber ball. She is looking very sad. McCAIN: Well? PALIN: I couldn’t find it. This is hard. McCAIN: Well, keep at it, you’ll get there. And someday- PALIN: Can I get a treat anyway? McCAIN: … Yes, I just … I don’t even care anymore, just yes. Yes. He tosses her a pepperoni-flavored COMBO. She tries to catch it in her mouth, but it just bounces off her forehead. She squeals and chases after it as it rolls around on the floor.
November 20, 2012. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The office of President Barack Obama. 2:00pm.
DOB: Mr. President, thanks very much for meeting with me. OBAMA: Of course. There is nothing more important to this administration than the people, the wonderful hardworking people that make this nation so great. In chess, without the pawns, the king fails. DOB: Huh…Kind of…Kind of sounds like you’re calling yourself a King, there. DOB: Hm. Okay, is Vice President Biden around? I feel like we’ve seen less and less of Biden over the last…uh, entire administration. Does- Is he even still alive? OBAMA: Oh sure. Joe! Biden, who’s evidently been waiting in the closet the entire time, pops his head out. BIDEN: Sir?
OBAMA: How’re ya doin’, Joe? BIDEN: Experienced, White, and Generally Inoffensive, Sir! OBAMA: That’s what you’re here for! Back in the closet. He goes. OBAMA: See? He’s great. DOB: Huh. Well, okay, I guess that’s…something. Let’s get on with the interview. First off, do you maybe want to talk about what promises you’ve made that you’ve kept, and which ones you will unfortunately have to break? OBAMA: Thank you, Daniel, that is a remarkable question and you’re a terrific person. That’s the kind of hardworking, thoughtful and blue-collar question that makes this country great. While I campaigned back in 2008 across this great nation, through the farmlands, through the mountains, to the cities, from our hospitals to our schools- I promised I’d pull the American troops out of Iraq and I’m proud to say I’ve done that. DOB: Yes, it’s great to have them home, but…have you, uh, followed up on Iraq, lately? OBAMA: In my experience, it’s best not to interfere with another country’s affairs. DOB: I bring this up because, well, there isn’t an Iraq anymore. You pulled out immediately, like, immediately. The morning after you took office, to be specific. OBAMA: Exactly like I promised the great and handsome hardworking people of this terrific, sexy nation that I would. DOB: Right, but, I mean, we overthrew their government, tried setting up a brand new one, occupied the place for close to a decade and then suddenly pulled out…Well, no one there had a clue what to do. I mean, I haven’t been there in a while, but I’m almost positive everyone’s dead. Biden pops his head out again. BIDEN: Not American soldiers though! Can’t take that away from him! Hiyo! DOB: No, I…I suppose I can’t. OBAMA: Beautiful and talented American soldiers…Back in the closet, Joe. DOB: Moving on. You’ve made some other bold decisions in your presidency already, and America is thoroughly divided over a lot of your actions. What can you say to speak to this divide, to ease tensions with this Separate America throughout the rest of your time as President? Obama stands up tall, squints his eyes and addresses a video camera that isn’t actually present.
OBAMA: Daniel, I don’t like to think in terms of a ‘Separate America,’ that’s just not the way my mind works. There are no red states, there are no blue states: Just states. There is no North or South, no East or West: Just America. But I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt that there is only one nation, one America, united under one Flag. Clapping is heard from inside the closet. DOB: I guess that’s really passionate or glorious or whatever, but I wasn’t speaking metaphorically when I said America was divided. There is literally a second America, people who’ve disagreed with you so vehemently that they declared their independence last Fall. They’ve seceded. Separate America? I’m sure you’ve heard of this. OBAMA: Oh, I’ve heard the pundits, and the- DOB: No, see, you’re still thinking metaphorically. The Separated States of America? Hell, they’ve elected their own president, they have their own capital. Somewhere in Georgia, I think.
OBAMA: I don’t like to think in terms of two presidents. I like to think that hope- DOB: They’re threatening to go to war. OBAMA: A war of the conscience? DOB: Actual war. Real, like, with people and weapons and everything. Obama stands on top of his chair, a flag flaps majestically behind him. I don’t know where the wind came from.
OBAMA: It is my most sincere wish that we not resort to physical conflict. But, if war cannot be avoided, we will meet them on the battlefield. The Battlefield of Justice. Our weapons will be freedom. Our bullets: Hope. DOB: …OK, to clarify, are you planning on having any real weapons with functioning bullets, or are you going to attempt to literally load rifles up with “hope,” somehow? OBAMA: I…I’m not sure- DOB: I only ask because, in 2009, when our economy was crumbling, you went on TV and assured the American people that you were going to be building a “Bridge to Hope.” OBAMA: I swore to the American people that I would create a Bridge to Hope built on the Foundation of Truth. My approval rating skyrocketed. DOB: Right, I remember, it was a very moving speech, and everyone loved it. And…and then we realized that you weren’t speaking figuratively, and you’d actually started construction on a literal bridge. And that’s kind of why I was wondering if you were going to invest in real bullets or just sort of load our guns up with hope. Because, I mean, most of the taxpayer’s money is still tied up in building your retarded bridge. OBAMA: That’s a beautiful observation and you’re in terrific shape. We’re still building that bridge, by the way. DOB: Right, I…I know. Where do you expect it to go, exactly? OBAMA: Are you ready for this? The Hope-osphere. DOB: The…Oh. OBAMA: Hope-osphere. DOB: Alright. And, again, to clarify, is this a metaphorical “Hope-osphere of the Imagination” or something, or are you actually planning on- Obama opens up his desk drawer and pulls out a live baby, which he cradles gently. He opens a window and a bald eagle soars in and perches on his shoulder. Dramatic, majestic and patriotic music begins its crescendo from somewhere. A lot of timpani and French horns. Almost definitely written by John Williams.
OBAMA: The Hope-osphere, located in the heart of Chicago- DOB: Oh shit you’re gonna build it. OBAMA: -will be constructed of several thousand tons of solid, reinforced titanium, cooled and bent into the shape of a perfect- DOB: How much is this going to cost? OBAMA: -sphere. In between those bars, 400,000 sheets of sound-proof, bullet-proof, hatred-proof glass will be brought in from- DOB: How much is this going to cost? OBAMA: … and at the center Hope-osphere, the source of power will be the Truth-Core, where inspiring Hope-Lava will flow, like a river, through- DOB: How much is this going to cost? OBAMA: I think if you take a look at these hope-figures and my hopeulations, you’ll- DOB: But how much… OBAMA: You can’t really put a price on hope. DOB: Give it a shot. OBAMA: $850 billion. DOB: Wow.
OBAMA: But, once you convert that price to Hope Dollars, I think you’ll agree that- DOB: Wow. I got up to leave. OBAMA: Where are you going? DOB: My parents live in South Carolina; I feel like I should be there in case Florida decides to invade. OBAMA: Terrific interview! DOB: Shut up.
Pause.
Pause.
McCain takes a long, slow swig of scotch. 
Epilogue: Turns out my Time Machine also has an “Alternate Universe” function. Find out what things are like in an Obama Administration below!
President Barack Obama goes on television to address the nation, on average, six times a day. While President Obama is certainly visible to the point of aggravation, he’s (shockingly) given very few interviews. Since Cracked.com is now the only reliable source of news in America, and since I am Cracked’s Senior Political Correspondent, President Obama has been kind enough to skip his post-Brunch State of the Union address to sit down with me for this very rare interview. I enter the Oval Office, and he is seated while an artist diligently paints his portrait.
Silence
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
November 9th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
really funny, way to be bi-partisan
November 6th, 2008 at 10:35 am
[...] so," and it will all start again. Why bother predicting four years from now when you can time travel. (Sorry for all the links, they seem relevant and I browse the net too [...]
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:49 am
I’m all for the Hoposphere!
October 31st, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Nice work, Date of Birth.
October 30th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
@CavalierX
Regarding “Blundering into Berlin in 1918″, this film comment was highly satirical, as in fact not a single enemy soldier had set foot into german territory by the end of WWI.
I happen to be German. It’s true, trust me.
October 30th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Only $850 billion? What a bargain! That’s about the same as the bailout! (at it’s current pricetag). And, at least we get to own something. Hello, Hoposhere.
October 29th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
I absoutely love this article. I’m so glad I live in a Separate state far away from the hokey hope-osphere. Lock ‘n load.
October 24th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I’ve gotta’ agree with MetalBrainSurgery here…reading leapfrog style is a pain in the ass. New layout fails at English.
Oh, and nice article. Seriously.
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
McBama just got F’ed in the A. Great article Dan.
October 21st, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Hahah. Hysterical. I love McCain, sorry john john.
Slipster/Palin 08!
October 20th, 2008 at 7:44 am
I’d really love to take a look at those hopulations, actually.
October 19th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Great commedy. Loved reading about both sides. (The potential war between the states was really funny with the ‘Hope Bullets’.) Even the Red Ball jokes about Palin was funny. No change to the election, but it shows how silly we can be even when we aren’t trying! Keep up the good works.
October 18th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
awesome, had me chuckling like a moron
October 17th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Of all the spheres that there ever was, is or will be, not one can compare to the greatness of the Hope-osphere.
Seriously, we read this, and have now adopted this into our everyday life (see profile). We even picked one of our friends to be our hope-buddy and wrote a song as a homage to him. We think it’s pretty good, for two minutes work at half eight in the morning, but he didn’t appreciate it.
(Gangsta rapping voice) It goes a li’l some-some-something like this (because we’re that cool).
Ode to our hope buddy,
He’s full of hope.
Ode to our hope buddy,
Better than the pope.
Ode to our hope buddy,
He’d never grope.
Ode to our hope buddy,
He don’t smoke dope.
Ode to our hope buddy,
His name is Will.
Ode to our hope buddy,
We love him still.
Hugs and kisses, au revoir.
October 17th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
You kind of failed on that map, forgot to colour Michigan’s freak part (the Upper Peninsula) and didn’t erase the chart at the bottom.
But the “back in the closet, Joe” was hilarious.
October 16th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
America in the year 2012
A New Book, related to The Year 2012 2012 The Evolution, Sinister events have been taking place in America for years, right under the very nose of the leadership. There are forces, both internal and external, that desire the demise of America .
I was told 2012 The Evolution will be released early 2009 I suggest you grab a copy.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Really pretty funny and insightful on both McCain and Obama (especially obama) and honestly was just the right length. Awesome. Thanks.
October 16th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Really not funny or insightful on either McCain or Obama (especially obama) and honestly went on for way too long. Sucked. Sorry.
October 16th, 2008 at 4:39 am
the mccain bit was great, i’ll never be able to look at palin again and not see her thinking “throw the ball! throw the ball! throw the ball! woot! he threw the ball! where’d it go! wheres the ball! ball! ball! Ball! COOKIE!!!” and it was really great to see mention of McCain circa 2000-2004, i liked that guy. When this election began i wished that McCain were the one running instead of this pod-person, but now i’m almost grateful he’s so turned to suck (anything that drops his support, especially with Palin on the ticket). If by some miracle he wins (and when i say miracle i’m referring to those of the “florida victory 2000″ variety) i can harbor the hope that he’ll revert back from bizzaro-mccain into retro-cain. The obama bit was a little meh. Biden in the closet was beautiful and the post-brunch state of the union as well. The literal bridge to hope thing…funny, but not enough to carry the bulk of the interview…. i cant help feeling you phoned it in a little on obama’s interview, but perhaps it just pales in comparison to the first. I didnt get why the 2nd america’s capital would be in georgia until you mentioned parents in SC…suddenly it all became clear. The good news for those of us living on the ga/sc border in the future? once we lose our homes and cars the arguement over which state’s drivers suck more will be moot. at any rate im ready with my wal-mart tent, i’ve got my eye on some prime golf course land to pitch it on…..
October 15th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
mccain interview was hilarious !
October 15th, 2008 at 2:48 am
This changed my life…
So hilarious that I won’t be able to stop using “Hope-lava” for at least a week. You did a good job with both of the candidates, way to keep it fair. So we are all meeting up in 2012, either Dan’s tree or the Hope-osphere, see you all there.
October 14th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!
The part about Biden is the best. There is very little talk of the man, even though he is the second name on the leading ticket. Guess if he makes it into office he’ll take the Al Gore approach. Be stealthy until it’s time for him to run for the number one spot.
I could definitely see Obama doing some of those things. Especially dodging the “how much” part.
As for McCain…guess I’m not the only who sees the fight is running low in the man. He still wants to do it. He still wants to win. I just don’t think he has the energy left, the people he surrounds himself are dolts.
Palin…I’d still hit it.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Oh. Your name is Dan O’brien. Sorry about that.
October 14th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Actually, Mr. Date of Birth, The VP does not live in 1600 Penn. Avenue, but rather Number One Observatory Circle. In Washington.
With that said, this is the final reason I need to vote for Mcain. At least in 4 years the man will still have a grip on reality, even if his life sucks by then.
As for cracked.com being the only trustworthy source of news in 2012 America, I can only assume that’s because both Stewart and Colbert threw in the towel when they realized Obama meant a literal “Bridge to Hope.” Otherwise, Cracked would be third. However, Even John Stewart and Stephen Colbert combined could not have done that as hilariously as you.
October 14th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
I think I just shit my pants reading the bit on Palin getting tossed a treat, that was fucking awesome.
October 14th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I wouldn’t be surprised if those green states that are declaring war against Obama is run by Ron Paul. Ralph Nader is too sane to consider attacking America.
October 14th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
A brilliant parody on both sides weaknesses…
Palin deserved those shots…
Oh and I love the map as Utah being a separate nation: Going to College in Utah has been an eye-opening change from Georgia. O.o
October 14th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Hopeulations. Awesome.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
One single person mentioned that the article seemed a little sexist and it took the next trillion comments to point out that it wasn’t? Protesting too much, anyone?
Personally, I thought it was wickedly funny and as a feminist I was comfortable with Palin being a puppy. Firstly, I know DOB has intelligent women in some of his other articles (that Fiona woman about that Labour thing); and secondly, Palin quite clearly invites this on herself with the whole “lipstick pitbull” business.
But this thing where people say “if this attack on Palin is sexist, then the attacks on Obama must be racist” makes me kind of mad, because it’s so stupid and false. Comparing a woman to a dog has way more cultural resonance than parodying a black guy as an ineffective leader who just spouts meaningless catchphrases all the time. Women being treated like animals still happens. The word “bitch” is one, admittedly mild by now, demonstration of that. Saying Obama is vague and incompetent doesn’t play to a particular black stereotype, it just deals with the individual guy.
In this case, I think it’s obvious that DOB is just making fun of the individual woman rather than women in general, I mean, duh. But it is important to remember that most people playing the gender card throughout this election - whether for Clinton or Palin - have had a lot of good reasons to do so.
/end feminist rant
October 14th, 2008 at 9:54 am
great ^^, although i think you overestimated palins intellect a wee bit there (to palin supporters, yes that was a joke get over it)
October 14th, 2008 at 7:59 am
easily the funniest thing ive read on cracked…great work DOB.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Great work DOB…Back in the closet, Joe.
October 13th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
http://www.ihatemisty.com?id=kbu5qtcpr5ncu3abrpmaadvmu8t6sb
October 13th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Hey DOB I’m sure you’re done reading comments at this point, but if the blog I haven’t started yet goes corporate someday and I sell it and buy a movie studio I want you to write a movie for me
October 13th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
What about the alternate universe were Ralph Nader is President? I’m sure that one is just great.
October 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
the obama one was lame, but the mccain was hilarious.
October 13th, 2008 at 7:59 am
oh damn cavy’s not posting anymore. i wanted some troll fun
October 13th, 2008 at 3:03 am
It makes me feel good to see people who hate all the candidates, too. But McCain wants to pull out of Iraq, and said he would’ve never been there in the first place, ‘cos he hates bullshit wars on accounta being in nam or the korean war or whatever war it was. I only know that because he was on the daily show a few years back. Other than that good work, because I fucking hate these people.
October 13th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Brilliant. -)
October 13th, 2008 at 12:33 am
alright, i might be drunk, but that was fucking awesome DOB. You are one funny son of a bitch and I think that you should run for president. Maybe pick Colbert or Stewart as your running mate, that way you couldn’t lose!
October 12th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
“oh shit you’re gonna build it.”
Pure genius.
October 12th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Can I have your babies?
October 12th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I nearly fell off my bed laughing at “Hope-Lava.”
October 12th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I showed this article to my politics class today. We could not stop laughing. Absolutely brillant.
DOB for President!
Or Spiderman.
October 12th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Mrs Officer I need a bigger cage I can’t move around in these conditions I can barely fit my head in the wheel
October 12th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Great post.
October 12th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Very very awesome. Loved both interviews. My vote still stands for the Hope o Sphere. Sorry Scotch supporters.
These were in fact THE best, well thought out and intelligent interviews that I have ever in my lifetime read. (I am 18 and registered to vote this Nov 4th)
I will keep this page bookmarked and wait for 2012 to roll around and see if DOB really will Interview either President. Haha.
The John Williams piece is by far the funniest insert in this, ever.
October 12th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
DOB=Awesome.
Also, this is why I suggested a limit on the number of comments people can post.
Take it somewhere else, trolls.
October 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I would like to formally apologizing for being a comment space agitator, and being a general dick for no reason. I like this site and this piece is funny, 21st century blues man.
October 12th, 2008 at 10:50 am
[...] But what the hell, I can link to something that has no basis in reality either. Here’s my link to a irresponsible look at the current election. At least it’s entertaining. As for the final [...]
October 12th, 2008 at 7:21 am
Man, you should’ve included a “Ron Paul”-universe as well. Funny as hell, tho!
October 12th, 2008 at 5:38 am
Buried for including my home state in Obama’s United State……oh who am I kidding, this is the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in weeks, dugg all to hell.
October 12th, 2008 at 12:02 am
Ah, man, DOB… Words just can’t express how freaking funny you are. Except your words. Which are very freaking funny.
Thanks for the laughs, and the chillingly accurate telling of the future(s).
October 11th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
The map confused me, felt like it should be the northwest and the south if you were poking fun, but both interviews killed me dead.
Hilarious.
October 11th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
So.. South Carolina would not be in the Separate America? They’d probably start it…
October 11th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
hOPE-O-SPHERE!!!!!
October 11th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
absolutely hilarious! Good work DOB, but what about Nader?
October 11th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
So is Utah going to be the new world power after the seperate states and united states go to war with eachother and everyone is killed?
October 11th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
You have a bit too much time on your hands… and you need writing lessons
October 11th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Masterfully done DOB!!! I have to agree the McCain section seemed much more thought out and carefully constructed. But the Obama section had many more outright laughs. Loved the baby and eagle!!! Keep up the great work.
October 11th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
i….i wuv you
October 11th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
That was hilarious (if somewhat chilling). I think you hit both sides hard enough that I can share it with liberals AND conservatives.
Thanks, DOB!
P.S. Bizzle, CavalierX, I have a quote for you: “Arguing on the internet is like competing in the special olympics. Even if you win, you’re still retarded.”
P.P.S. Don’t flame me for hating on the special olympics, it’s a joke meant to illuminate the futility of arguing when each of you are utterly anonymous and unaccountable.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
to be fair, a number of democrats have said if obama loses the race, that it will be “dramatic” aka there will be riots. wouldn’t take much to push that over the edge. i could see civil war going about either way.
i just feel sorry for utah. shitty fucking state. hate it so bad. and, just so you know, it isnt all mormons. salt lake city has a serrious gang problem, and i think the state is well below 50% mormon now. and you have to figure any number you read on how many there are in the state is inflated by at least half, because they count people who havent been to church in 30 years because they hate it.
sad really. i mean, beautyfull buildings, but its way too hot in the summer, way too cold and covered in snow in the winter. i like california. great place to live. besides having to deal with the hippies and the Vocal liberals. i dont mind people having a different opinion. i just hate it that the whole state gets branded by two cities (LA / hollywood, and San Franscisco) when half to most of the state is conservitive.
well, at least we think of ourselves as conservitives. we go out east, and i hear we become liberals. something about not hanging anyone, or owning people. zing. too soon?
but i love this article. nice, and fair coverage, even if obama is all but hidden under mcain’s interview. i’ll take mcain by the way. he is a tough old bastard, and lived through hell once. if pallin IS anywhere near that bad, then he will make it through. though i dont think she is.
obama… yeah, i dont wanna watch the Hope-o-sphere get built. kinda reminds me of Robocop. you know… Delta city replaceing detroit. only this of course would be the goverment doing it instead of a corperation.
October 11th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
@Lodger, (and, really, anyone else who said anything about the new map of the US)
I love New Mexico. I’ve only been through there once, when I was driving across country, but I really dug it. The new map was chosen mostly at random.
October 11th, 2008 at 11:55 am
I live in New Mexico, and besides the drunken wife-beating assholes who seem to be everywhere(subwoofers and Japanese bikes are just a few things that indicate their presence, indirectly), it’s home to kind and open-minded people. You have done us a disservice! I am not guilty by association. I know it’s all a joke, I just wanted to let you know, there is a lot to appreciate here! goodbye!
October 11th, 2008 at 11:42 am
I feel the exact same way about McCains values and i wouldnt be suprised if he made a televsed apology for some of Palins behavior or even just selecting her as running mate
October 11th, 2008 at 10:54 am
oklahoma would unfortunately be in the seperate states of america. douchebags around here would love that shit.
October 11th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Really good.
October 11th, 2008 at 10:03 am
brilliant. only one thing, south carolina would definitely be in the separate america.
October 11th, 2008 at 9:53 am
[...] This is such a riot and you have got to read this! [...]
October 11th, 2008 at 9:25 am
The only state that goes away from US is TX,so Bush can’t be prosecuted for crimes commited so far.
October 11th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Now THAT was hilarious!
October 11th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Munky - didn’t y’all learn the lesson from last time around? I mean, Sherman did a worse number on SC than he did on Georgia.
Anyhow, none of the Old Dixie states will secede b/c y’all are what they call “Welfare States” - Uncle Sam spends way more on y’all than y’all pay in taxes. Come to think of, being from one of those wealthier states that pay more in taxes than they get back in federal benefits, and so have to subsidize your backward asses, maybe *we* should be the ones who secede
October 11th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Sorry, but if there’s any secedin’ action goin on, South Carolina is gettin’ in on that. It’s policy.
October 11th, 2008 at 7:20 am
“CavalierX is a douche, and honestly I’m getting quite bored of reading your posts.” wow, grow up.
October 11th, 2008 at 7:17 am
TITS THE NUN FOR WORLD PRESEDENT!
October 11th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Look, even a 20 year Republican like myself can see its time for a change and a BIG one. I have no idea what self-destruct Democrat mechanism put Biden on your ticket but I am still going to vote for Obama. Besides, think of 4 YEARS or more of the talentless Tina Fay milking and mugging the Palin thing. You would never get a break. It would be like that “You don’t have to call me Ray” guy except WORSE. For any of you voters too young for that , just trust me. Ferw have gone so far on so little.
October 11th, 2008 at 3:54 am
I quote Denny Craine from Boston Legal: You want to be relevant? move to Florida! Punch a chad. Screw up an election.
This article was genuinely funny. The puppet show killed me.
October 11th, 2008 at 3:38 am
No offense Joker, but the Dewey-Truman defeat (and the narrow defeat in the Carter-Ford election) are rather heavily outweighed by the vast number of times the Gallup poll has been accurate since it started. When election day came the press was reporting on Dewey’s victory in polls conducted weeks before, without taking into account Truman’s cross country train voyage that drew millions of people and drummed up intense support, while Dewey was pretty much just sitting on his ass doing nothing. Most polls today are reported and updated instantaneously are a far more accurate sample of the populace. Of course, no one should believe it’s over ’til it’s over. The lesson to learn from the Dewey-Truman race is that anything can happen over the last few weeks.
October 11th, 2008 at 3:09 am
This is awesome. Damn. I’m Canadian and my choices aren’t very good, but you americans are screwed.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:54 am
I lost it when the eagle flew in and perched on his shoulder. And “Oh shit you’re gonna build it.” Obama ‘08, but fuck. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a minute. Bravo mr. Dan O’whatever.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:34 am
Bravo, DOB. Bravo.
This one had me laughing all the way through.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:05 am
Very funny.
And to the person saying Obama’s up by nine points in a poll means nothing.
Ask Thomas Dewey and Harry Truman about poll numbers.
October 11th, 2008 at 1:45 am
cute and universally acceptable
well done, sir
October 11th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Probably shouldn’t have let Bush steal the election in 2000. That’s where all the bullshit started…the whole ‘rigging’ thing that no-one seemed to be too worried about at the time.
October 11th, 2008 at 12:21 am
HILARIOUS.
LOVE IT!
October 11th, 2008 at 12:21 am
This was great until I stopped reading about half way through.
Sorry guys but I just can’t stand any more blogs on this election. I get it’s the hot topic but a little more variety wouldn’t hurt.
October 11th, 2008 at 12:16 am
“Alaska’s just a fucking weird state, period.”
Thanks, we like it that way. Looking at the rest of the US right now, I’ll take that as a point of pride.
“what other state actually has to *pay* its citizens to keep them from bolting?”
Actually, they don’t pay us to keep us from leaving, we recieve a percentage of the profits from our state’s oil. Our oil. What other state makes a massive amount of money per capita?
“What other state has such an insane discrepancy/ ratio of men:women that somebody as plain as Palin could’ve even had a shot at winning a beauty pageant?”
Besides the North slope oil rigs, we’ve got a much better ratio than internet experts realize. I’d say we also have a much better quality to quantity ratio than I’ve seen in the 20+ other states I’ve lived in.
“Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if those miserable drunk Alaskans went and elected a fucking *sasquatch* or polar bear governor”
Neither would I. Hell, we’re one step away from electing a democrat!
October 10th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Someone please turn this into a Flash animation. Please.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Brilliant! Biden and Palin are BOTH assasination insurance.
I’m voting for the nun’s tits
October 10th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
GREATEST.
ARTICLE.
EVER.
No bias toward either side, just fucking hilarious.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
I choked on a lemon head reading this
DOB you are a fucking genius
October 10th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
OMG that is funny!
October 10th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
DOB is the greatest!!!
CavalierX is brilliant, and I enjoy reading his/her every comment. CavalierX’s craption for today is the funniest I’ve seen.
Zonebone you are an idiot.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
[...] An Interview with McCain and Obama (In the Year 2012) | Cracked.com (tags: mccain obama interview funny) [...]
October 10th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
I can comfortably say that this is the greatest thing in the world, ever. I just think that it should be known that I nearly died reading the Bridge of Hope speech….
October 10th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
The Sepate states appear to be picked at random. Several of the states, such s Florida, Ohio. and Washington are likeley to support Obama.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
This… was awesome. Loved Obama’s interview
October 10th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
haha nice article. Was pretty balanced as Aaron said, you were able to successfully shit on both sides without any prejudice. Nice job.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
This was the best article ever written on Cracked. I too believe that if McCain is elected president he will be the saddest person on Earth in four, long, long years.
October 10th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I laughed at both, espiacally when Sarah Palin came in. I also loved the Bridge of Hope.
October 10th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Man I feel like the biggest idiot in the world…I can’t even figure out how to use this can open I won from my credit card reward points….Ergonomic my @#$!!
October 10th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Sara:
“CavalierX is a douche, and honestly I’m getting quite bored of reading your posts.”
Ssh honey, the adults are talking.
October 10th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
This is some of the funniest shit i’ve seen all day
October 10th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Eh, the McCain one was amusing, even funny at times. The Obama one seems to imply that all he does is spit out upbeat rhetoric, which if you actually follow politics at all, you know isn’t true… particularly in light of it being more-so the case that McCain’s campaign has been nothing but circular and negative rhetoric.
Oh well. I’m admittedly liberal and it’s comedy.
October 10th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Such a pity that Cracked being able to mock both parties makes the zealots who think they know everything about politics swarm all over these articles like the putrid cockroaches they are.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Dan,
I just wanted to say that this article was incredibly funny. I basically laughed my ass off reading it.
Thanks for the work you put into writing it.
~ T.R.D.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Come on! The depiction of Sarah Palin as a dog had nothing to do with sexism, it had to do with the (probably certifiable) fact that she’s an idiot and she could be a heartbeat (a heartstop?) away from being the President…
God, is she stupid… Jesus…
October 10th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
That’s funny shit. Alas poor America, we knew ye well…
October 10th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I can honestly say this may be one of the most balanced peices of journalism I have ever read…weird.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Like Joe Schmo, I am biased but unlike Joe (Six-Pack I assume is his middle name), I am rational. The McCain interview is AWESOME because there is more than a kernel of truth. Obama is a funny but a little more far-fetched - most likely, his administration would (will) be a complete bore. Either way, great work.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
CavalierX is a douche, and honestly I’m getting quite bored of reading your posts.
Also, Oblong, I haven’t seen Jessica’s profile but she’s probably better looking than you are and smarter too.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Funny Shit!!!
October 10th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Let’s just hope it really will be President John McCain and Vice-President Sarah Palin, instead of… ugh… “president Barack Hussein Obama and vice-president Teleprompter”.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
General Zod for President!
http://zod2008.com/index.htm
October 10th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Well that was a good read… perfect thing to lighten up my day during these depressing stressful times … thank you!
October 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
To the dolt who said that Palin can’t actually be the idiot she seems to be b/c she made to being governor of Alaska: Alaska’s just a fucking weird state, period.
I just don’t think of it as a “real” state - what other state actually has to *pay* its citizens to keep them from bolting? What other state has such an insane discrepancy/ ratio of men:women that somebody as plain as Palin could’ve even had a shot at winning a beauty pageant (check her out in the swimsuit part of the competition http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSdFIDygFwM )? Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if those miserable drunk Alaskans went and elected a fucking *sasquatch* or polar bear governor
October 10th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
http://www.rollingstone.com/news/coverstory/make_believe_maverick_the_real_john_mccain
October 10th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
*facepalm america*
October 10th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
“OBAMA:
How’re ya doin’, Joe?
BIDEN:
Experienced, White, and Generally Inoffensive, Sir!”
Now this is the fucking brilliant humor that got me hooked on Cracked in the first place - why can’t y’all keep doing more of this instead of the asinine junk y’all been pushing lately?
October 10th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
also, cavalier, I see that you’re going for the whole, “let’s show them how stupid they are by implying that they only ever spew the one argument!”
but tbh, you kind of… do that yourself when you say “I will be laughing why you all bang your heads against walls, ha!ha!ha!”
and you know, it kinda makes you sound like a bit of a douche.
now, of course, politicians do put on a front, as it were, to appeal to certain demographics. prime example, davey cameron. but usually we can see these characters moulding to fit the public’s reaction, and, considering the largely negative reaction from the public, I would have thought that Palin would have changed her character a wee bit.
but hey, what do I know. I only get my knowledge of politics from the grauniad and the spectator.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
CavalierX : “Poll numbers are a fool’s game. I never pay attention to them.”
CavalierX : “Having watched the polls closely in every election for the last couple of decades”
uhm… sorry?
October 10th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Here’s my plan: I’m going back to the beginning of the comments section and taking a hit off the bowl everytime someone typed the word “stupid.”
This could also be a drinking game if you’re playing along at home.
If you don’t hear from me for a few days, you’ll know why…
October 10th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I lol’d. well made. I might have to turn this into a stage production you know ;)c
October 10th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
HILARIOUS!!!
October 10th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
LOVED THE OBAMA HALF!
October 10th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
OMG I love reading arguments on the internetz.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
In defence of Cavalier, in Australia we had Howard for P.M for 10 years, & for basically all of that time he was never in front in an opinion poll, & in his last years he was fantastically behind to the point that the opposing party was already celebrating before it was announced Howard was re-elected. Also Howard was outed this year by Kevin Rudd (who i despise, just to put my opinion out there.) So Kevin Rudd was the labour party’s head man & howard was head of the Liberals. Kevin Rudd basically acted as Liberal as possible without actually joining the party, & this is what won him the election. Sorry about the long comment guys! Go Cracked!
October 10th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Wow. This is hilarious. Especially the Obama half.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
holy awesome article, dude. it’s so realistic it’s like terminator 4 without bruce wayne and the killer machines.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
“Jessica Says:
October 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I got a profile Think it describes me pretty well.”
Based on your profile, I would say you are a divorced fat chick with a half black baby. Good luck with that, fatazzzz
October 10th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
WTF happened to Upper Michigan in your map? Has it finally gone Canadian?
October 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I got a profile
Think it describes me pretty well.
And nice job on this.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
ultraman, after reading all of the comments here, I have to say that CavalierX has tottally owned both you and your mother. Everything you say makes you sound like the real douche here.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
If I could witness Palin chasing a ball, and consectutively a pepperoni flavored Combo, I’d surely shit myself and promptly die; my life completed.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
“when you have one candidate who is ahead of the other by an enormous margin in nearly every nationwide poll, this close to the election, they start to paint a pretty vivid picture”
Having watched the polls closely in every election for the last couple of decades, I am sure they don’t mean a thing come election day. But you speak as though I want McCain to win, or am arguing in his favor. I’m not. I have no horse in this race.
“Besides that point, why would the GOP want to project an image similar to the one Bush used to get elected in ‘04 and ‘08? I mean, hasn’t McCain been trying to distance himself from Bush the entire campaign?”
Now you begin to see what I’m saying. McCain is going for the middle, the “we never really liked Bush that much” vote, while Palin is going for the die-hard Bush voter — and there are a hell of a lot of them — with a vengeance. Between the two of them, they hope to wrap up all of the Republican votes and most of the middle. It’s a good strategy, putting all ideological considerations aside. I think he had a very good chance at winning, better than 70%. What hurt him was his position on the big bailout package. If he’d opposed it, it would have been a McCain landslide next month. As it is, he’s only got a 60-40 shot at winning, in my estimation. Anyway, I really do have to leave work now.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Not Vermont!! Those fuckers.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Cavalier, I agree that most of the time, the polls are irrevelant, but when you have one candidate who is ahead of the other by an enormous margin in nearly every nationwide poll, this close to the election, they start to paint a pretty vivid picture. Couple that with the fact that the Democrats have by general consensus won every debate thus far, and I think it’s fair to say that evidence points to the Democrats being a strong favorite to win the election.
As for your other argument: People don’t think Palin is incompetent because of the image she’s trying to project. Most people just see that as pandering. They think she’s incompetent because of the way she bumbled the Katie Couric interview, and how she avoided several questions in the VP debate. Besides that point, why would the GOP want to project an image similar to the one Bush used to get elected in ‘04 and ‘08? I mean, hasn’t McCain been trying to distance himself from Bush the entire campaign? And wasn’t Bush the one who is currently presiding over the worst economic crisis in our nation since the Great Depression? Add that to the fact that Republicans have basically stolen Obama’s slogan of change over the past few months, and you start to speculate whether Palin’s image is really an image.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
i thought mcain be dead by then
October 10th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I guess I’d better announce that it’s time for me to leave work so you little children can’t think you won something by my absence.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
cavalierx has the biggest e-penis here.
also, hes a fag.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
“On a more serious note, cavalier, I believe that the poll numbers reveal that you have a very shallow, naive concept of how Americans choose to vote.”
Poll numbers are a fool’s game. I never pay attention to them. By how much was Kerry ahead at this point in ‘04?
“I mean, why would a politician want to give the American people the impression that they don’t know anything about any of the issues in a time of economic crisis?”
I don’t think that’s the impression they’re trying to create, though it may come across that way to some.
“Your argument is stupid”
Well, shit, maybe I should be running for office.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
your response to my previous comment kind of proves my point.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
On a more serious note, cavalier, I believe that the poll numbers reveal that you have a very shallow, naive concept of how Americans choose to vote. I mean, why would a politician want to give the American people the impression that they don’t know anything about any of the issues in a time of economic crisis? Your argument is stupid, and your condescending attitude towards people who disagree with you makes you look like a douche.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
“Hey, Cavalier, guess what? Obama is up in the polls by 9 points. So, yea, looks like the only thing I’m going to be banging on November 4th is your mom (that’s right, I went there. Pwned).”
Shhh. The adults are talking.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Lol, brilliant.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
“He tried to be the man of the people, and we ended up with another 4 years of fucking Blaire.”
I thought Hague lost because he started sounding too much like Blair… and as I’ve been yelling at the Republicans for the last decade, you can’t out-Liberal the Liberals. Or, in your terms, you can’t out-Labour the Labour party. Since I admit I don’t pay as much attention to elections over there as I do here, perhaps I was wrong about that. Please let me know if that’s the case. I’ve been using Hague’s loss as an example of why Repubs shouldn’t act like Dems if they expect to win.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Hey, Cavalier, guess what? Obama is up in the polls by 9 points. So, yea, looks like the only thing I’m going to be banging on November 4th is your mom (that’s right, I went there. Pwned).
October 10th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
“Cavalier…first off, don’t mistake my willing to rectify my bad choices as a sign of weakness.”
You still think this is some kind of contest between us? You’re a bigger fool than I thought. I’ll be happy to watch you scream yourself into a madhouse over the next sixteen years.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
@ Archaon…thanks.
@ Cavalier…shhhh….looks like you don’t have much to say once people realize you’re spouting nonsense, eh?
@ Metalbrainsurgery, Jormungandr….I realy dont no how u culd say somthing like that. What is the problim you hav with the new layout?
…lol…
October 10th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
I was thinking there would be more Green states, well atleast I know where to move to
October 10th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
cavalierx is a fag.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
seriously, these comments have sucked every last bit of funny off of this page.
And this new layout with the comments apearing at the top totaly ruins the whole rediculous dialouges we had before. You actually had to scroll past the comments to post, and in most instances read stuff funny enough to make you laugh hard.
Please cracked fix this shit now.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Don’t tase me bro….
October 10th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
oops, bugger. carry on:
you will realise that the buffoon is a front, to distract people from his masterminded plot of awesome
October 10th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
@ Cavalier:
You said: “thinking a politician is stupid because they’re trying to act like “one of the people” won’t prevent their election”
My response: Prime Ministorial Candidate of 2003/4: William Hague
He tried to be the man of the people, and we ended up with another 4 years of fucking Blaire.
Also, if you want a good idea of how to act stupid and get away with it, prime example is current Mayor of London: Borris Johnson. A man who acts so dim, it defies belief, and who appears to be so dense, you could bash him with a stick and fuck all would happen.
THE MAN IS A MASTERMIND OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!
no supporting evidence for that, but if you consider him carefully, you will realise the
October 10th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Cavalier…first off, don’t mistake my willing to rectify my bad choices as a sign of weakness.
Secondly, well, never mind…how about I just sit back and watch you shoot yourself in the foot.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Whether or not I agree with everything you’re saying, I would like to express my admiration. You have mocked everyone equally, which is more than what most people do these days.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Strangely, neither of these mentioned the revolution. Which I will actually be spearheading myself, btw. So DOB never got to the part where we have the guillotines on the white house lawn. Or how after taking the leadership away from the incompetents, we do what we should have done a long time ago and annex Canada.
Viva la Revolution!
Don’t worry America! Rogue’s got yer back!
October 10th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
hilarious article.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
This was one of your best in a while, keep it up.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
What’s the difference between cracked.com and the onion?
Well cracked.com is funn-
Wait. Oh. Dern.
I thought that this site was humerous pop culture lists, not extremely banal political humor from uninformed cable news watchers.
Srrsly. Get back to being funny and leave the satire to anyone else.
Well anyone except the onion, they are fucking clown shoes.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
“Cavalier, you are clearly stupid, or at least have a superiority complex. There is no conspiracy here. If Palin was truly informed and intelligent, don’t you think she would have dropped the “stupid act” once it began to hurt McCain and she in the polls?”
Clearly, you know nothing of politics. Once again, people like you will be bashing your heads against a wall for the next sixteen years, wondering how come such an incompetent idiot managed to somehow blunder her way to the White House, the same way people like you have been doing the same exact thing for the last eight years. One would think that eight years would have taught you that attacking people as being stupid does nothing, even if they are stupid, but I guess some people prefer not to learn from history.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
….I just wrote a really long response and it didn’t even post -.-….F*CK! Well I won’t waste my time doing that again…I think maybe it was because I bashed DOB and gladstone….they probably didn’t allow it to post…anyway…
So yeah,
October 10th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I think the posters on here are both right to some extent. It’s kind of irritating how constantly Palin is bashed by people who know nothing about the election, and only watch SNL or online news clips of Palin looking stupid. Palin-bashing has become the equivalent of Scientology-bashing - people who know nothing about it do it because it’s cool.
Then again, Palin is bashed for a reason. She has repeatedly demonstrated that she knows almost nothing about politics, and the thought of a woman like this holding a national office other than postman (or postwoman, as I would be shrilly corrected by females) is truly scary. This is a woman who has no knowledge of the Bush Doctine, Supreme Court decisions, what newspaper she reads (she couldn’t even bullshit her way through that one - how stupid do you have to be to just say “New York Times”?), or foreign affairs.
Cavalier, you are clearly stupid, or at least have a superiority complex. There is no conspiracy here. If Palin was truly informed and intelligent, don’t you think she would have dropped the “stupid act” once it began to hurt McCain and she in the polls? You probably believe the moon landing was faked as well.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
That should have read “because saying that thinking a politician is stupid because they’re trying to act like “one of the people” and saying that calling them stupid won’t prevent their election is, you know, stupid.”
October 10th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
“if you scroll down the posts and look at Cavalier’s postings though, as well as others who have posted against Cavalier, you can see how (for lack of a better word) STUPID he’s been.”
Mmm, yes, because saying that thinking a politician is stupid because they’re trying to act like “one of the people” won’t prevent their election is, you know, stupid. Look at how calling Bush “stupid” for eight years stopped him stone cold! Worked real good for you folks, didn’t it? Keep up the good work!
October 10th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
That was so funny. Makes me want a different party in office
October 10th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I think your Separate States of America map might be a little backward. I doubt Michigan (except for the U.P., which from your map I can only assume has either been annexed by Canada, or given to China to as collateral for more loans) would join the separate states and Minnesota definitely wouldn’t and frankly I don’t think a couple of those southern states you have in the blue wouldn’t jump at the chance for another secession. Just spend any amount of time in the south listening to how much they hate northerners. And I mean, REALLY hate northerners.
But good call on Utah. Utah probably would become its own land again, and thank goodness for that, because I’d be really glad if the Mormons had their own country to ruin instead of ours.
I love the Biden jokes. They were spot on when, despite all the (rightfully) bad press being hurled at Palin, nobody’s bothered to point out what a piss-poor choice for Vice President Biden is. During primary season, this guy polled at lower numbers than Ralph Nader, for chrissakes! And at least a Nader veep would’ve guaranteed an entertaining 4 years. If Biden were any more of a nonentity psychics could use him as evidence of ghosts. He’s blander than a cucumber sandwich with white bread and no crusts. He’s John Kerry with LESS charisma.
But I do concede, he’s a thousand times better than Sarah Palin. If we, by some horrible accident/assassination/extended-bathroom-session-gone-awry lose John McCain and end up with a Palin presidency, we’re going to look back on Bush as presiding over what will affectionately be called “The Golden Years”.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
wow, an internet user that admits he’s been trumped. pat on the back for manning up
October 10th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Wow Zonebone, right on time…
Look, yes, I resulted to childish antics because I tried to goad Cavalier into a fight earlier, simply because he was posting unbelievably retarded items and was attacking my fellow Cracked members with undeniable stupidity.
Look, honestly, I really don’t feel the need to defend myself, but I do appreciate your comment Zone. You’re absolutely right…what I said was childish, how I’ve acted has been immature…again, if you scroll down the posts and look at Cavalier’s postings though, as well as others who have posted against Cavalier, you can see how (for lack of a better word) STUPID he’s been. And yes, again, you’re absolutely right, I was looking for a fight. Simply because I’m similar to a pro-bono lawyer - I will fight for those who don’t/can’t defend themselves.
So to you Zone, and to the many other Cracked readers…I definitely apologize for my part in this rag-tag, retarded game of verbal fisticuffs. (WOW…even I’m amazed I said something that ridiculous).
I will say that my fight was never in politics though…I was never trying to argue Left or Right, Conservative or Liberal…I simply saw this punk called Cavalier spewing venom on innocent victims…and I stepped up.
But seriously? Don’t call me an idiot bro. I might go all Cavalier on you, too.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
we are so screwed
October 10th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Hmm I wonder if it’s safe to jump in on this one…I might get my head chewed off…
In my opinion I’d agree that neither candidate is the best choice for president, hell I’ve even recently started changing my mind about Hillary(Don’t kill me!)…But the main reason I decided to post was because of the catfight between Bizzle and CavalierX…
It kind of looks like your just looking for a fight Bizzle, you stopped posting intelligent responses about 60 posts ago and now all you do is just continue to call CavalierX out and tell him that he’s not worth your time? Are you kidding me? Shouting insults that has NOTHING to do with the subject of conversation will not get your point across…I don’t know if you understand the concept that calling him CACAlierX makes you look more like a child than an intelligent adult(and i’m giving you the benefit of the doubt in say you are one)…If you are going to argue politics then just stop with the idiotic insults and the thoughts that you are “winning”…I’m just going to end with a famous quote from one of our nation’s idiots…
“But for goodness sakes, PLEASE come at me with something that has some teeth! PLEASE! I’m begging you Cavalier!!! Come on! Tell you what…I’m going to go grab something to eat. I’ll give you, what-say, an hour? Does that sound fair? OK, have an hour. Take that whole, entire, full-length of the hour. Think real, real hard. Try as hard as you can to come up with something with some substance.”
Wow. Idiot.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Beautiful, DOB. Beautiful.
Biden clapping from the closet, like RPG said, hilarious.
Palin chasing after the ball. I wept tears of amusement.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Wow, this was the best blog I’ve seen in months. There were great blogs but this topped them all. I am now fully proud of cracked (really just DOB cuz hes awesome)
October 10th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Biden clapping in the closet - hilarious!
October 10th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
YAY! I’M NOT ALONE!