January 14th, 2009.
My phone rang. I answered it. (I’m weird like that.)
It was early, much earlier than I usually stumble out of bed so I was understandably upset.
DOB: This had better be either an emergency or an extremely fat hooker.
Kevin: I… excuse me, is this Dan O’Brien?
DOB: That depends, who wants to know? And how fat are you? And, yes, it is.
Kevin: This is Kevin Aylward. Remember me?
DOB: (I squinted my eyes with anger, a gesture that went largely unnoticed due to the fact that this took place over the phone.) Well hello, Kevin.
Kevin Aylward, the founder of the filthy Weblog awards. I remembered him from our conversation last week, wherein he explained that I didn’t deserve any of his blogger awards because I wasn’t “newsworthy” or “relevant” or “a blogger.” Not that I even wanted one of his stupid, nerd awards, anyway.
Kevin: I’m calling to let you know, we’d like to give you an award.
DOB: What? YES! Holy Shit that’s awesome. Yes! Shit, I completely deserve this. Yes, yes, fuck yes.
Kevin: Alright, settle down-
DOB: Oh, I have so many people to thank. First and foremost, I’d like to thank myself. Without my support and unyielding dedication to excellence, none of this would’ve ever happened, and I’d be a sucker just like all of you chumps. (At this point, I’d be pointing at everyone in the audience, and maybe flipping off the presenter or dropping my pants or something.) I suppose that’s actually the end of my ‘Thank you’ list, but, hey, let’s hear it for Darfur, am I right? They’re really making it happen over there.
I don’t think I actually know anything about Darfur.
Kevin: Huh.
DOB: Pretty sexy speech, right? You can say it was, that’s fine.
Kevin: No, I was just thinking that somewhere down the line someone profoundly failed you in some way, and I wasn’t sure if it was your parents or the public school system.
DOB: I’d say it’s a pretty mixed bag.
Kevin: Figured. Anyway, we’re giving you an award. It’s nothing special.
DOB: Are you gonna announce it anywhere, or do a press release, or call all of my enemies and ex-girlfriends? This whole thing sounds pretty special.
Kevin: No, no, and no. We’re just going to email it to you and tell absolutely no one else. I can’t stress enough how unexciting this is. Really, it just took a couple of seconds in photoshop. Truth be told, it’s pretty meaningless. It was Sean Gleeson’s idea, he’s one of the other Weblog guys.
DOB: I knew you believed in me, Kevin.
Kevin: I actually still sort of hate you.
DOB: Ah, DOB and Kevin… Kevver. Guns n Roses’ Stairway to Kevin. Happily Kever After. Ben Folds Fives’ Whatkever & Kever Amen.
Kevin: Please stop doing this.
DOB: Research and Kevelopment.
He hung up, so I’m not sure if he even heard that last one, but I like to think he felt it.
For the next few hours, I waited patiently by my computer for the email to come. What kind of award would it be? A trophy? Money? A handgun? How would they email any of those things? Right when I was about to call up Tomorrow Kever Dies, the email came, and my excitement and unbridled joy erupted all over my apartment.
I was the proud recipient of the 2008 weblogawards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks. 1 I was finally being recognized for all the hard work that I assume I must’ve done over the past year and a half. Granted, the Weblog site has a page with all of actual winners, and, granted, I’m not technically on that page, but, hey, I’ve seen the logos that those winners get. The word “award” appears on their certificate just once, while mine features it a total of three times. Mathematicians will tell you; this makes me three times the winner of all those other websites. Did you hear that, Stirrup Queens, winner in the category of “Best Medical/Health Issues Blog?” You ain’t shit compared to Cracked.
Now, the haters and doubters out there probably have something to say about this, (”I hate you” and “I find you hard-to-believe,” respectively), and maybe even you normal folks think that this award isn’t something to brag about. Perhaps you think that it isn’t even an award in the traditional sense. Perhaps you’ll point out that, while it does contain the word “award,” (three times!), it also contains the words “lame” and “stupid,” and it explicitly says that the award is “for jerks,” the implication being that I’m a jerk.
But here’s my take on the situation. This is an award that has never been given out before and, most likely, will never be given out again. This is an award that no one else on the entire internet was even nominated for. Nobody else even had a chance. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to conclude, then, that I am the only person on planet Earth who deserves this award. I’m in a league all my own.
I see it like this: Let’s say they were giving an annual award out for Excellence in Boning, (an award I’d also like to be considered for, whoever does that, please). Let’s say a bunch of people are nominated, guys in one group, chicks in another. The guys are all objectively rated on their boning skills in a number of categories, (duration, focus, effectiveness, sweat, the amount of mid-coital cursing, the creativity of mid-coital cursing, the loudness of mid-coital cursing, etc). Then, at the last minute, at the last, sexy minute, some dude shows up and he’s got two dicks. Two! Well, obviously his options and methods are different. He can please more women in half the time, for example, or he can just super-please one woman in a variety of ways. Also, you know. Sword fights.
His completely unique skill set and unequaled abilities puts him at a considerable advantage, so it would be unreasonable to put him in the same category of those boring, average, John Q. Singledicks. Still, it would be unfair to ignore this man’s skills simply because he was born with a gift. So, at the boning awards, they’d compromise by taking him out of the male category and creating a separate, specific category, “Best Guy at Boning Chicks (But With Two Wieners),” or something, which he would win, hands down.
[Note: Originally, Dan had photoshopped a two-dicked trophy that was pretty aggressively graphic, even for him. For the sake of good taste, we have removed it. -Ed.]
I’m that guy. I’m for the internet what Guy-With-Two-Wieners is to the world of boning. So suck it, Internet, you bumbling, mono-dicked failure. From here on out, I am officially “the award winning Dan O’Brien,” and you can officially suck it till your face falls off. And even though I’d already been describing myself as an award-winner to everyone I meet, now it’s finally true. If I ever get pulled over, I can flash my award and the cop has to give me his gun. If I’m ever interviewed, (like, for example, next week on Killing Time Radio ), I can demand to be introduced as The Weblog Award Winning High Chancellor of Funk, and if they don’t, I’m pretty sure I can sue them. When I walk into restaurants, I get to eat for free or I can legally murder the owner.
This is probably how Gandhi felt when he won his Weblog award. Fuck yes.
This entry was posted on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 9:02 am and is filed under Internet, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 27th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
DOB you rule x 3!
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:22 am
Does on mine
May 14th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Where do you come up with that shit. 2 weinered guy in a boning contest… WTF. That is hillarious stuff, the articles that you put yourself in are the best cracked articles.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Oh god yes… I want your award… and I will murder a restaurant owner to get it!
February 18th, 2009 at 2:02 am
ikea
February 15th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Your site doesn’t correctly work in safari browser
February 9th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
The fact that this award will remind you forever of one of the funniest titles you have ever created seems more congratulations than stinging sarcasm.
January 30th, 2009 at 8:01 am
[...] that you’ll ever enjoy the same kind of internet success that we enjoy, (our site boasts an award-winning journalist as well as that guy who did Internet Party), you do have the potential to be a real comedy force in [...]
January 24th, 2009 at 1:33 am
It says award THREE times? Holy fuck berries. That means you’ve won the Internet equivalent of the Nobel Prize or something.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:46 am
you sir are a king, I bow to your award winning awsomeness
January 23rd, 2009 at 8:01 am
[...] charged, watching it was like freebasing an orgasm.”-Roger Ebert The Hero of the Day and Weblog-award-winning Professor Daniel O’Brien currently teaches an Advanced Screenwriting Workshop at Harvard [...]
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Only now, do I realize that I left the words “had to” out of one of the sentences to my post, but alas, it is too late. This is a mistake that will follow me to my grave.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Awesome, DOB, you finally get the recognition you deserve. And with the added bonus that someone at the WebSTUPID Awards Headquarters (I like to think it’s in a cave filled with computers) do an extra half hour of work in Photoshop to create your award. Also, can someone tell me where to find the two-dick trophy picture? …No reason…
January 20th, 2009 at 10:57 am
[...] O’Brien is Cracked’s most decorated, and most modest columnist. He might be Spider [...]
January 20th, 2009 at 1:20 am
I am a major in Mathematics (true), and I’m afraid I have to point out a numerical error in this article.
“Mathematicians will tell you; this makes me three times the winner of all those other websites.”
Actually, you’ve cited the formula for most awards, but for web awards the ratio increases exponentially. In laymen’s terms, you are actually NINE times the winner.
Sorry to be a stickler.
January 19th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
What no Gorbakev?
January 19th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Awesome….just an awesome blog.
January 19th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Good for you Dan! Jerks everywhere rejoice with you.
Not to hijack the comments or anything but what happened to Ross (Wolinsky)? He hasn’t submitted anything since the beginning of December. With all the hoo-ha over Gladstone’s sabbatical it seems like nobody has noticed.
Should we be sending him Get Well/Condolence/I Hope The Shrink Takes You Off Mellaril Soon cards?
or did he just quietly get a “real” job somewhere else?
January 19th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Seriously, i’m bored at work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Someone is going to have to lock you away in some kind of gimp cage so I can spend more of my worthless working day reading this stuff.
*The gimp cage was more personal preference than a necessity
January 19th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Watch them award this thing to someone else next year, just to one-up the jerk factor.
January 19th, 2009 at 12:49 am
I have to agree with kindaofadick. Daniel reminds me alot of John Cheese. Who is by far the funniest internet comedian, I’ve read thus far. Keep up the good work Dan. You’re one of the very view intenet writers that make me laugh, for free, which is a huge fucking bonus, cause I’m poor.
January 18th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Daniel, for what it’s worth, you always reminded me of “John Cheese.” And while I forget his last name, Mack’s comedy is my brand of choice. He is the funniest person I have ever heard or read or saw. And you, my friend, are like a half-assed version of him. And that means a lot.
So thank you.
January 18th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
You know who I hate? Sean Hannity. You know what I don’t do? Watch his fucking show. If you don’t like DOB’s style (and fuck you, if you don’t) then don’t read his articles anymore. Go sit at the kids table. The rest of us will be here, reading awesome articles and drinking awesome grape soda.
As for you, DOB, congratulations. I can honestly say that no one (at Cracked) deserves to win all the awards, ever, more than you.
January 18th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Your interview next week, are you going to record it like the last one about Kristen Wiig?
January 18th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Oh, P.S.: At the risk of being the millionth person to mention this (whatever), didja hear about the Watchmen settlement? (I don’t know anything about the movie biz, but I did understand that Warner Bros. is releasing it in March.)
January 18th, 2009 at 6:18 am
DOB, have my internet babies.
January 18th, 2009 at 4:50 am
@Ronaldo-
Wow, going through the archives to pull direct quotes. I’ve never seen someone go to so much trouble to prove what an asshole he is.
Now, here’s what gets me. You diligently went through comments to pull relevant, (I should also point out, complimentary) quotes from previous blogs, which leads me to believe that you have at least a passing ability to read. However, the fact that you COMPLETELY missed the point of my comment the last time you brought this up makes me think differently. Since you’re big on pulling old quotes, here’s what I said last time:
“# Daniel O’Brien Says:
November 30th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
@Ronaldoling-
I hate taking the wind out of your sails, dude, but you’re not really giving away any surprises. Ignoring the fact that, as one of the original editors, Pinkerton’s style greatly shaped the voice of Cracked, I’d been reading Pinkerton for years before I came to this site, and his style had a HUGE impact on me personally, and I don’t think I’ve ever denied or tried to hide that. (Also, writers are often influenced by other writers…that’s kind of part of how it works.) To get compared to him, (even when done in such a violent, dickish fashion, as in your case), is still an enormous compliment to me. (So, thanks!)
And you’re not, like, a brilliant historian by bringing up Pinkerton. He was still here a year ago, dude. Everybody on the site knows Pinkerton’s work, (and if they don’t, they should seriously do their homework).
And it’s not “odd” that I was here when Jay was here. He helped get me this job.”
Is it any clearer now? Guys like Pinkerton and Neal Pollock inspired me and shaped the way I write, something, again, that I’ve never once tried to deny. When someone says “you remind me of Jay Pinkerton,” I’m thrilled. It’s like if someone said “You remind me of F. Scott Fitzgerald” or “You remind me of John Holmes.”
And I’m done repeating myself with you. But, hey, man, knock yourself out digging through old blogs and finding comments. I’m really interested to see how much time you plan on investing proving an irrelevant point.
January 18th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Hey Ronaldo McDouche, you’re a douche.
January 18th, 2009 at 2:53 am
Absolutely brill as usual DOB.
Whether its asking people to eat dicks and several of them or destroying beloved christmas tales by strenthening the empire (Its what Winston Churchill called wanking-but you already knew that, being awesome.)
January 18th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Dan,
Everything you write would be funnier if 95% of your schtick hasn’t been done already by Jay Pinkerton.
However, I’ll give you this one about the Weblog award. With Jay as editor of Cracked, he (and Jack) won the Webby in 2007 so I suppose you should get *something * for ripping Jay off. Not to mention that he didn’t bother to scrape the bottom of that particular barrel for material before he left.
But wait! There’s more!
“Danielle Catepano Says:
April 10th, 2008 at 10:05 am
This DOB character reminds me so much of a younger (but with a worse haircut) Jay Pinkerton. I hope he’s on this blog for the long haul, and won’t end up leaving in the summer.”
“Mattichot Says:
May 4th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Dan O’brien, you remind me of a young Jay Pinkerton. You’re awesome and hilarious. Keep ‘em comin’.”
Etc.
Figured I’d share those comments since you seemed to get your knickers in a twist when I mentioned this issue before. Nice to see that I’m not the only one seeing regular and common similarities between ‘your’ work and Jay’s, even though you seem to loudly deny it to anyone that will listen to you.
Methinks doth protest too much Dan.
Anyway, isn’t intellectual property theft illegal, or at least in some way, shape or form wrong?
If not it should be.
Smell ya later Dan…
January 18th, 2009 at 1:41 am
what a cock.
@Pedgerow from last night: i have one cock and masturbate with two hands.
January 18th, 2009 at 1:26 am
Hmm… DOB = Bag Of Dicks backwards.. Wow! I guess this is really your award!
January 18th, 2009 at 1:13 am
Dan, I gotta ask… Di the phone thing really happen? I have a hard time believing you say these horrible things to Lucky Number Klevin.
If you do, that just makes you my hero even more.
January 17th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
DOB, you are a god amongst mere mortals, may ye keep up the lulz
January 17th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
You’re supposed to display the award up in the banner of your site. Go for it. Just no two-dicked pictures. (There’s no, like, webbing between those, right?)
January 17th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
If I had two dicks, I would masturbate with both hands.
January 17th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Wow, the WebLAME, WebSTUPID Award for JERKS? That’s the most coveted prize of the lot! Congratulations! A round of applause is in order: *clapclapclap* there you go. Huzzah!
January 17th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I do’nt get it.
January 17th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
danial o brian there is a lot of unhealthy man love directed towards your way
January 17th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Good old Cracked stuff; here are more funny stuffs, videos of ppl not working in their office and messing around! “The Best of Hardly Working” http://www.tv1.com/playlists/126
January 17th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Anyone have linkage to the trophy picture?
January 17th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Aww… you make us all look so bad.
January 17th, 2009 at 11:48 am
brilliant. fucking brilliant.
January 17th, 2009 at 11:45 am
One of the damn finest acceptance speeches I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing (or reading). I will gladly suck it in the face of such greatness. Congrats, DOB; you have earned it.
January 17th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Id like to take this opportunity to congratulate DOB and restate my opinion that G-Stone is a douche.
Thank You.
January 17th, 2009 at 10:26 am
“Pretty sexy speech, right? You can say it was, that’s fine.”
January 17th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Caption on the last photo was the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages. I love humour that requires prior knowledge of how mental you all are. It’s like an in joke that thousands of people are in on. Somehow I still feel special, though.
January 17th, 2009 at 8:00 am
@ # Mike Hunt Says:
January 17th, 2009 at 6:08 am
More pre-adolescent gutter thought trying to pass for wanna be juvenile, if this is comedy then a poor example. No wait… this is Cracked. Kudos my man, kudos.
funny how while you were trying to be a smart ass, you made a typo and lost your air of intelligence.
Suck em dry lame ass
January 17th, 2009 at 7:49 am
# Anonymouse Says:
January 16th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Fuck yeah! SEAKING!
—————————
I herd u liek mudkips…?
January 17th, 2009 at 7:47 am
# Cornwallis Says:
January 17th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Good read…
but Guns and Roses didn’t do “Stairway to Heaven”.
————————————
DOB; known for his strict aherence to reality. He’s won awards for it.
You must be new here, help yourself to a bag of dicks.
January 17th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Eat all the dicks, DOB haters.
January 17th, 2009 at 6:08 am
More pre-adolescent gutter thought trying to pass for wanna be juvenile, if this is comedy then a poor example. No wait… this is Cracked. Kudos my man, kudos.
January 17th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Good read…
but Guns and Roses didn’t do “Stairway to Heaven”.
January 17th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Haha wtf>? This guy is weird
January 17th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Mr. O’Brien? Kneel.
You have now an official Knight of the Old Republic. May the force be with you.
January 17th, 2009 at 4:14 am
dan, i think i love you.
January 17th, 2009 at 2:57 am
The other nominees in the humor category were actually quite yawn.
January 17th, 2009 at 2:53 am
Well played good sir… well played :D.
January 17th, 2009 at 1:44 am
@sock, “you frankly fucking suck at it”? That’s the worst cussing I’ve ever heard in my life. The correct/non-retarded way to say it would be: Frankly, you fucking suck at it. And you do.
January 17th, 2009 at 1:28 am
DOB, you are a shining pillar of hilarity in the sea of mediocrity that is the intertubes. Well done, sir, well done.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
DOB never fails to make me laugh.
you’re awesome.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Uh, blueberry shit cakes with piss-flavored 7UP, you just pulled a Samuel L. Jackson. Don’t cuss too much. You frankly fucking suck at it.
Do it again and I will find you. And I will strike you three times, hard, on every joint with a ball pin hammer…
Have a nice day. Or night. Or whatever the hell you’re having at the moment.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Rock on, DOB. As always, my side’s hurting after reading your eloquent rantings. Keep ‘em coming.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
For the life of me, I can´t tell if you really won something or not.
January 16th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
And it goes on like this through the whole article…
January 16th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
DOB, you are doing the work of all the sarcastic, intelligent, drunk (well lets just call it a day at the new irish) and You’re doing it well. When I read your work it makes me think of what I would have written. Granted, I would have done it better and been funnier, but what the fuck. You’re one hell of a hack my man. All kidding aside, the twas work was some of the best I’ve read. As much as a douche as you might be I owe ya a super three ways for the laughs!
January 16th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Congratulations, DOB. I can’t think of anybody in the world who deserves this award more than you. You should celebrate. Crack open a beer, grab a couple hookers, listen to some Joe Cotten, party all night long. This may be the happiest day of your life.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Man, these are always better than the lists. No offense, Cracked staff, but y’all are obviously talented enough to maybe think about considering the idea of possibly entertaing the notion of perhaps expanding beyond lists? Maybe possibily?
January 16th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Dang DOB you go boy! Tell em hhow it is yo!
http://www.web-privacy.pro.tc
January 16th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
let’s discuss @ __ WEAlTHYMEETUP . com __ which is a popular dating site for singles… with tens of thousands of mature and passionate singles for love, romance, friendship and relationship.
January 16th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Fuck yeah! SEAKING!
January 16th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
aawww…does this mean they’re gonna shut the internet down now?
January 16th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Congratulations Award Winning DOB,
I’ll be your fat hooker any time!!!(in honor of your award, of course)
January 16th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Wasn’t Stairway to Heaven [ahem, Kevin] made by Led Zeppelin?
January 16th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Good going DOB. Mind if I call you TAWDOB (The Award Winning Daniel O’ Brien) from now on? I know that’s extremely lame but it almost fells like a sin not to squeeze your award winning status in there somehow.
January 16th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I think the KTR website got more traffic today than ever before… AND I’m pretty sure DOB’s upcoming interview is the reason I’m getting extra promotion for the show on campus. This is all because of DOB. He works miracles. I’m pretty sure that he can cure leprosy by looking at the disease and telling it to fuck off.
Also, my legal department has informed me that I must introduce Mr. O’Brien as The Weblog Award Winning High Chancellor of Funk or I’ll be sued personally. Jerk.
…I love you, please don’t sue, I didn’t mean it.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Two dicks, two awards each? That’s like, four or something. Cool.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
DOB has 2 dicks. Nice.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
DOB, I’m pretty sure you’re winning two awards here. Look at it. In the Weblog Awards for Jerks, the winner of the webLAME award AND the webSTUPID award for 2008 is… DOB! Two! So yeah. Congratulations! That’s dantastic!
January 16th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
AWESOME! Laughing my ass off and pumping the air at the same time.
Stairway to Kevin? “If I ever get pulled over, I can flash my award and the cop has to give me his gun.”? BWAHAHA!
January 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
so can i now introduce myself as danny official web lame web stupid award for jerks recipiants reader? cause i would so totally do that. although i suppose me wearing a DOB shirt kinda says enough
January 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Kudos to you, DOB. Nobody deserves it more.
January 16th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@DOB
Oh yes. I uh… I don’t know what I was thinking. Congratulations!
January 16th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
This is awesome man. Do you have a girlfriend? Married? If not, ah hell that’s too forward, isn’t it?
January 16th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
i wish there was someway i could get my hands on ya…you’d quit bloggin then cause you’d be fuckin fucked up asshole……nice win btw cocksucker
January 16th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
@ Dan- I love you so much for making a “Whatever and Ever Amen” reference. That is my favorite album from Ben Folds Five. You have great taste in music.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Internet, you are a dick!
January 16th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
You deserved this award for a while now, I’m happy to see someone recognizes what you have to offer the internet. I’ll definitely be listening on Thursday.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Our DOB is an awesome DOB
Our DOB is an awesome DOB
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom, power, and abs
Our DOB is an awesome DOB
Our DOB is an awesome DOB
January 16th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
@hurfdurf
Uh…They did.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
As they say, it’s the little things that mean the most, eh, DOB?
You kinda had me going; I thought maybe the Weblog Award people really did make that for you. Doesn’t matter, I lol’d.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Yay for Dob!
January 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I grant thee, DOB, five internets.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Let’s face it DOB: it’s TOTALLY true that no one deserves a Lame, Stupid award for jerks more than you do. You’re the only one on Cracked–nay the internet…nay, the WORLD!–that could ever possibly be deserving of so high an honor.
And by high, I mean the condition you’d have to continually be in to find this an actual honor.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Hah! I KNEW that you would win! I believed in you!
Me. it was all me. if it wasn’t for me and my believing, you never would have gotten close to an award. You should be thanking ME.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
WTG DOB!
January 16th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
You’re seriously my hero. You just might surpass Batman as my favorite. Might.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
You cling to those small victories, DOB. They will eventually amass into one huge victory, anyway.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
You deserve all the awards!
January 16th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I’m noticing a trend with all of your commenters. Way too many !!! and ‘lols’
January 16th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
AHAHA!!! w00t w00t
go dan dan revolution!
January 16th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
That is freaking amazing!!! I can’t believe that the whole commenting on the weblog site actually worked. They gave you that award and you earned it hard… Really hard… Maybe a little too hard but you earned it!!
Also… The caption under that hot dog picture says “Aggresively graphic”…. That is probably the best thing I have ever heard. DOB is Aggresively Graphic… and a Weblog Award Winner.
January 16th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Incredibly funny…you deserve a REAL award man, a real one, not this weblame crap.
But NO, instead, lol cats will get the awards. Freaking lolcats!
January 16th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Can I marry both you AND Swaim? Certainly there is no law against homosexual polygamy in Canada, right?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
DOB, I just saw your picture on the KTR site, and I have to admit that I am perturbed at your degree of handsomeness.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I laughed out loud in my genetics class to this. I don’t think the prof appreciated it but I don’t care. You’re hilarious, congratulations you big ol’ three time winner. High five.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Hey Daniel. I always knew that you were an award winning hero. I have always loved you and everything you stood for.
You deserve the award for deep dicking for sure. Even if you only have one penis.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I have to admit, DOB. I’m confused.
You hate pregnant women but love fat hookers?
What if they’re pregnant hookers who look fat?
Also, congrats of course.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
You’re brilliant. When are you going to run for President of the U.S./President of Boning? I’ve already preemptively cast my vote for you. 100 times.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
CONGRATS!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Hey, maybe, just maybe, Kevin hung up to masturbate to your speech… just maybe…
Anyways, congrats DOB, does that mean you can take over Jack’s place?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
you’re amazing D.O.B.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
So…does this mean that DOB has two dicks?
January 16th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Well done DOB, it’s about damn time you got some recognition!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
I would KEVER have expected this. Kever.
But of course, it’s a deserved award.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“The Weblog Award Winning High Chancellor of Funk”
Nobody but you.
January 16th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Your footnote said what I was thinking. Except I was also thinking “Kevin and the Ragged Tiger.” (too 80s?)
January 16th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Way to go DOB! The DOBman. Rock DOBster. DOBin Hood.
…And OF COURSE that was a sexy speech. What was that guy thinking?
January 16th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Hehe, sword fights. I didn’t know anybody else referred to it as that. I once offered that as an idea to two friends who felt it was incredibly important to find out who was packing more heat.
And as much as it talked about, yet nothing is ever really said, the big deal in Darfur is genocide. And I haven’t heard that mentioned alongside the name of the place since the 2004 presidential debates.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
the freaking award winner dob! yes, yes, fuck yes (copyright of the man himself dob)
congrats, man!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
congrats on your we created this just to shut you the fuck up award
January 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
If someone really deserves the “… for jerks” award in this world, it could only be you, congrats!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
DOB is god among mere mortals, who are held back by their feeble rules of decency and not fucking each other’s moms.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
DOB fan page. You know what to do.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/Daniel-OBrien/45034426016?ref=ts
January 16th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
This is truly a shining moment in human history.
January 16th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
*knew
Fuckin’ typos!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
We all new you had it in you DOB!
January 16th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
congradulations!
I just wish I could have laid eyes on that two dick trophy!!
oh, and Count Baqula, there’s a genocide going on in darfur, with people on horseback wreaking havoc.
if only the children had ice cream..
January 16th, 2009 at 11:42 am
cue that god awful(was god really that awful,hmm,maybe in a dick emery way)song ‘congratulations’ and much flipping of the bird to all the dick eaters
January 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Loved it, congratulations on your award!
January 16th, 2009 at 11:22 am
You are a god among mere mortals. At long last a third-party organization has recognized this fact. Bask in the glory of this moment.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Congrats D-train. Have you chosen the celibritory sacrificial lamb yet? A bit of advice : They’re like chicks at the bar, gun for the fat ones….they’re easier to catch.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:00 am
DOB, what are your thoughts on the Watchmen settlement? The terms will never be made public, of course, but I hear that to get his money, Rothman must first eat all the dicks. Ah, sweet compromise.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:59 am
*stands quietly and applauds*
January 16th, 2009 at 10:56 am
DOB ftw!
January 16th, 2009 at 10:52 am
okay, that must be DOB. That was a freudian slip.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Your footnote is a kick in my balls. From somebody who spent one hour sticking MJ’s face on a SWAT team member for the photoshop contest, stay classy Swaim.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hahaha, You are one of the reasons I joined this site! Congrats on your award!
January 16th, 2009 at 10:46 am
about god damn time that you won something other then the respect and adminration of millions of fans…. i mean that is nice and all but it doesnt come with a jpg file that says award on it three times,
January 16th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Hi, it’s the DJ of the radio station you aren’t sure exists. I’d just like to point out that we exist, but we have a terrible signal. I’d recommend listening to the webstream. I have trouble getting WRUC on my house radio, and my house is about ten minutes away.
Also, the interview will be recorded and uploaded as soon as humanly possible after the show ends, so it’ll be available in mp3 format (or something similar) about a day or two after the live broadcast.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:41 am
So I actually live in Schenectady where that radio station claims to be. I say claims to be because all I can get is static. I would listen to the interview, but like I said, the radio station claims to be where all there is is static. Someone should address that issue.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:40 am
First, let me “congratulate” you DOB!!! Even I have never received an award that said award THREE times!
More importantly, I am really wanting to see that two-dicked trophy…in that oogling a car wreck sort of way.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:36 am
I’m gonna fuck you till you luv me, faggot.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:35 am
TL: DNR
January 16th, 2009 at 10:34 am
ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! Research end Kevelopment!!!! ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!
January 16th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Godammit DOB! I wanted that trophy! You know how much time I spent on the computer writing about things I didn’t give a shit about? Actually, I was high most of the time so I’m not really sure. But still!
January 16th, 2009 at 10:13 am
And they say there are no more heroes. DOB I salute you!
January 16th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Darfur is a serious issue. It’s not all Ice cream and magic.
DOB, try not to be such a horrible person from now on.
Although I don’t really know what’s going on over there myself.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:57 am
DOB 2012 just came one step closer.
Salvation is at hand.
Oh yes. Oh yes.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Yaaaaaaaaaay DOB! Woooooo!
That’ll learn em!!
January 16th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Way to go, DOB. You rock. Now, if you want to bone a chick, she has to say yes, or God will seal her coochie shut. That’s in the Bible, homedawg.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:52 am
DOB, you have attained the impossible. You have done what man has tried to do since the dawn of time failed in every single attempt. You, sir, have won the internet.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:41 am
You are my hero and an inspiration to people everywhere! I now know that all i need to do to be a success is to be a total asshole, and you know what?… it’s working out great!
PS- I still wanna have your babies!
January 16th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Wait, what? You didn’t make this award yourself?
That footnote threw me off course a little. That’s just…awesome.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:31 am
DOB, I heart you. Which is why you get the interview. Thanks for throwing up the link.
You also get the super-prestigious Killing Time Radio Hero of the Day award, but to make it special, I’ll photoshop it so that it says Hero of the Day Who Also Wins Blogging Awards.
Everybody reading the comments needs to check out next week’s interview with DOB. It’s going to be magical.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:31 am
*salutes*
January 16th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Ok…that was awesome!
January 16th, 2009 at 9:24 am
Does this mean you can now command a higher salary?
January 16th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Man, you are truly the best “The award winning DOB” I have a man crush.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Awwww, DOB, you made a new friend!
Glad to see you finally got your award.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Congrats on the award.
And on small victories?….
January 16th, 2009 at 9:17 am
CONGRATS DOB!!!!!!!!!