The 12 Most Common Fantasies Teenage Boys Have

Few things possess as much creative horsepower as the idling mind of a teenage boy.

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"Things would be better if I had two swords."

And, although I'm now the age of two teens stacked on top of each other, I do still spend much of my time hanging around high schools selling loose cigarettes, and can confirm that few things have changed since my day. Teenage boys are still, for the most part, colossal dorks, and they continue to think and fantasize about the same things they always have. Here then, for your daydream believin', are the 12 types of fantasy that every teen boy has.

#12. Getting Really Good at Something

Whatever it is a teenage boy does, he will have spent vast quantities of his free time (and occupied time) imagining that he is the very best in the world at it. Every movement effortless, every act executed with much style, the whole ballet of radness eliciting much applause and fainting in the crowds that have gathered to watch us doodle on our binders, or hacky our sacks, or whatever.

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OH MY GOODNESS, FOLKS, HE'S DOING IT, YES, HE'S DOING THE MOST OBSCENE TEXT MESSAGE EVER. WHAT A MASTER.

And when that gets boring, we'll then spend a lot of the time imagining getting really good at something we don't actually do, like karate or gun-karate or basically any type of dude-wasting activity. Which is a little juvenile, sure, although a necessary step to set up our next fantasy.

#11. Beating Up a Bully

Almost everyone had to deal with a bully growing up (even bullies have to deal with larger bullies, or when they get home, with the wild jackals that raised them). And of all the ways to deal with a bully, standing up to them and beating them on their own terms, although far and away the least probable, is the one teenage boys fantasize about the most.

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If you're the kind of guy who could plausibly beat up your bully, he would not be your bully.

But here, in the theater of the mind, where we're all masters of the three-section staff, which we carry with us at all times in the flowing sleeves of our coats, we're able to lay this fat-faced fuck low every time he sticks it in our narrow, classically proportioned faces. "Oh God, I was so wrong to attack you!" the bully laments, but we can't hear him, so deafening is the applause and fainting from the crowd.

#10. The Perfect Thing to Say

Occasionally, as much as it hurts to admit it, exotic weapons from the Orient are of little use to us. Say, when navigating the variety of small interactions which fill a typical day. In the bullshit real world, these can be incredibly challenging, with few of us quick-witted enough to think of clever things to say on the fly.

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"Splur?"

And because we love dwelling on our failings, it's often the case that our brains only manage to think up the perfect thing to say hours after it will do any good. And because it's hard getting everyone present at the time to all reassemble, these perfect things to say have to dwell in the land of make-believe.

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"How is the weather. I am having the weather. Your hair is the weather. Can I eat your hair. Hello."

#9. Being the Martyr

A big part of being a teenage boy is dealing with the world being awful to us, and bizarrely, one very common way to deal with this is to fantasize about the world being even worse.

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I'm honestly not sure what the appeal of this fantasy is, though can certainly report having had it many times myself. It's some combination of self-pity and self-congratulation at how great we are for putting up with it, I guess. But where most of the other fantasies on this list are harmless, there's a possibility for real harm to be done by this one. In the right frame of mind, this one can feel so plausible and convince us we're blameless for all the bad things that happen in our lives. Which won't always be the case. So, if you do find yourself falling prey to it, just remember, the world doesn't hate you. At worst, it just doesn't know you exist.

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Don't worry: These get a lot less depressing from here on out.

#8. Being the Hero

Because then the fucking terrorists attack. In my mind, at least, this happened twice a week at my high school, probably because this was around the age when I first started watching Die Hard and its various knockoffs (e.g. Under Siege, Speed, Die Hard 2).


Technically, the tagline should read: "DIE PRETTY HARD, BUT NOT AS HARD AS THE FIRST ONE. DIE A BIT SOFTER, ACTUALLY."

And because us teenage boys are the only ones in the school with the common sense to watch these instructional videos, it's up to us to incapacitate one terrorist with our karate and/or rhetoric, then pick off every remaining one while crawling around in the elevator shaft, the natural habitat of all terrorists. In a way, this is actually quite similar to fantasizing about being a martyr, except instead of being a hero unappreciated by those around him, we get to be one of the good kinds of hero, appreciated by everyone because of how awesome we are.

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"You're way better than that brooding loser! BUCHOLZ, BUCHOLZ, BUCHOLZ!"

#7. Winning the Girl

Because I was a teenage boy who daydreamed about winning debates and leaping out of the ceiling to strangle terrorists, girls didn't talk to me much in high school.

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In retrospect, a pretty reasonable choice.

And I doubt I'm alone when I say that most of my contact with girls was of the purely imaginary variety, often winning their favor (that's how I thought of it) after kicking a terrorist in half. In my case, the actual content of these fantasies was shockingly tame, often involving nothing more than swooning. At the very most I would be given "second base," which at the time I understood to be a firm handshake.

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