12 Great Parenting Products for Traumatizing Your Baby

We get it. Parenting is hard. Kids are messy, needy and unable to expel waste from their bodies without coating the walls with it first. We also get that it's human nature to invent useless products for people who don't know any better than to just throw gadgets at every problem.

And that's how mankind wound up with ...

#12. Inflatable "Shit On My Face" Potty Seat


We're starting to think there's some kind of nefarious organization dedicated to building an army of future adults who are horrified of sitting on toilets. Why else would anyone invent this thing?

Yes, you, too, can condition your young children to shit onto a laughing face with eyes that look like eagerness incarnate. And the face is blue for no good reason, so we're guessing it's choking itself for double the pleasure.

On the Go Inflatables
We want to mock this, but for some reason we're just deeply, deeply depressed.

Oh, and it's inflatable. So it's a toilet that you deflate between uses, then re-inflate the next time you need it. With your mouth.

#11. Tinkle Tube Toilet Aid

Baby Rock Apparel

At the risk of attracting the wrong kind of Google search traffic to this article, this here is basically a gun silencer for your child's wiener.

If you're reading this, we can presume you know how peeing works, and that little boys don't just have to master the arts of bladder control, anus control and not-staining-their-Underoos control -- they've also got to learn how to aim. If only you had some kind of ... apparatus. Like the Tinkle Tube Toilet Aid. Simply remove the plastic caps and, uh, attach it. Now your toddler has improved accuracy and is trained for a future when all men will be able to upgrade to a robot penis.

Baby Rock Apparel
Is this legal? Can someone check on that?

It doesn't help that the Tinkle Tubers call toddler genitals "little soldiers" or that they seem to think men are absolute idiots when it comes to caring for their own children. Why else would they make this helpful video ...

... where a cartoon dad acts like he'd never taken his child into a bathroom before. In it, the guy just stands there for a solid 15 seconds, baffled by the thought of urinals, until the inevitable moment when the son drenches him in urine.

Baby Rock Apparel
You stay classy, Tinkle Tube.

#10. My Pee Pee Bottle

My Pee Pee Bottle

Some parents would apparently rather get consumed by fire ants than let their child use a public restroom. You know what's easier? Slightly squatting with your legs spread and peeing into a cup that your mom has shoved up onto your under-parts. Mind you, don't piss all over mama's hands, Makenna!

My Pee Pee Bottle
"LOOK! It has your NAME!"

And thus we have My Pee Pee Bottle, named by people who think personalizing a cup o' urine like it's some kind of prized trophy isn't going to screw up even the healthiest kids. And none of this is as baffling as how EMPHATICALLY My Pee Pee Bottle defends their product:

"At this time, My Pee Pee Bottle stands alone! Nothing compares to My Pee Pee Bottle, Nothing!"


My Pee Pee Bottle
Kids don't just love My Pee Pee Bottle. They're willing to die for it.

#9. Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer


Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer's brother invented that ridiculous device that could decipher what babies were saying? Well, somebody claims to have made one: the Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer. Hey, and it only costs $19.99! Now you can finally know if your baby is tired, or hungry, or being stalked by a predator!

Why Cry
Above: The only thoughts a baby is capable of.

The device requires just 20 seconds of uninterrupted analysis to figure out the problem (including telling you whether or not the baby is "bored"). Twenty seconds of uninterrupted crying might not sound like much to the uninitiated, so why don't you see how long you can get through this video before you shut it off:

On the other hand, it also displays room temperature and humidity, which is awesome because ... babies hate it when it's humid?

#8. Snazzy Baby Knee Pads


For those of you who insist on tiling your floor with upended glass shards, baby knee pads are a great product. For the rest of us, not so much. Not just because babies have learned to crawl through desert sands, mountainous landscapes and Third World sweat shops without the benefit of goofy ass leg cushions. And not just because you're dressing your kid like a girl in a P. Diddy video and calling him "Snazzy." All of these are really good reasons to not plop down $19.99 for a pair of knee pads, but the best reason is that your little crawling darling probably already owns half a dozen pairs of knee pads.

They're called "pants."

"You're going to pay for this in about 15 years."

#7. Time Out Pad, aka the Butt Prison


For the last couple of decades, the "time out" has replaced beatings and psychological torture as the socially acceptable way to discipline your child. It's a nonviolent way to put a kid in his place when he's done wrong, and it's a scientific fact that bad kids hate to sit still, so it can be a pretty effective punishment.

"Tommy, you sit on this until you learn how to get busy living or get busy dying."

But time outs have a catch: you have to monitor them. You can't walk away, because the kid will walk away, too, presumably to do some more arson. Which is why someone invented a butt snitch to make sure those kid butts stay put. Not only does the Time Out Pad provide an ass jail for toddler delinquents and a timer so he knows exactly how long he's got left, but it also sounds an ALARM if the kid gets up too early. It's like his own personal Inspector Javert, but for butts.

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