Last week on the round-up, you may remember that we asked you to petition your respective mayors and demand that all CRACKED content be added to the curriculum at your local schools. Incidentally, you listened and now we're being sued by 11 different states for some form of indirect harassment. Apparently, mayors don't like late-night phone calls from furious CRACKED fans screaming about "cramming dick jokes down the throats of our nation's children," even if you are being totally metaphorical.
As much as we appreciate your support, we're going to have to ask that you take a break from the threatening midnight phone calls and maybe consider writing a letter. We seriously cannot afford any lawsuits right now.
Anyhow, we won't bore you with the tedious details of any class-action lawsuit we may currently be involved in, so we'll just direct your attention to the best madness this site has to offer.
Have you been reading the CRACKED blog? According to our numbers, you haven't, so don't even think about lying to us. We're gonna warn you, you're missing out on some of the biggest stories of the year. Better catch up now, lest you appear out of the loop at your next water cooler gathering.This week, Michael Swaim posted an uncensored interview with Tom Cruise that was so controversial, secret Scientology space priests tried to erase it from the internet. Professional Blogsmith Gladstone also posted a video and, though it wasn't necessarily as controversial as Mr. Swaim's, it was just as pointless. Meanwhile, Ross Wolinksy, (who's Nooners just might me the most important thing on the internet) shows the world how to throw one ass-kickingly awesome Australian rager.
Did you get all that? We've made it abundantly clear that all the information you will ever need is readily available on the blog, so what are you doing reading this round-up?
SHUT THE HELL UP, ROSIE!
Rosie O'Donnell to Fred Durst: The 7 Most Bizarre Celebrity Blogs
Just when you thought you couldn't hate Fred Durst any more than you already do ...
Notable Comment: Mcalfie says "I didn't read that article, but in my seemingly neverending quest to get onto the cracked saturday roundup i am posting a comment...urm something about cracked being crap. saturday roundup here i come w00t!" What, you think you can just name-drop the round-up and that'll be enough to get a mention? Well, we've got sour news for you, Mcalfie, it turns out-- Oh ... oh, dammit, we fell right into that, didn't we? Son of a bitch. Well played, sir.
YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
|5 Kick-Ass Sci-Fi Apocalypses (That Could Actually Happen)|
Notable Comment: Update wonders "How could you forgot about the most recent movie (I Am Legend)?" That's a good point, we'll make sure that next time we-- Oh wait, that's right, we did include I Am Legend in the article. We included the shit out of it, as a matter of fact. Folks, when reading an article, please remember to read all the words and not just a random sampling of your favorites. We promise, it's the only way that a) the article will make sense and b) you won't look like an idiot when you comment.
MODERN MEDICINE HATES YOU!
The 6 Most Unsettling Medication Side Effects
That's right, folks, the cure for acne is herpes. Happy to help.
Notable Comment: Que? says "Um. That Requip jimmy legs bit was on The Daily Show last night. Unless the star of a major TV show ripped off an unknown writer on a sorta known Website. Jesus Christ, the Cracked and Daily Show demographics are pretty much conjoined twins...did no one think someone would notice? What the fuck Ian whateveryournameis, I think plagiarizing in the writing world is the equivalent of steroids in cycling. Cheating. Looks like this is you first contribution to Cracked.com. Can we hope there will be no more?" You've got us, Que?, you found our secret. We wait for The Daily Show to come on at 11:00pm, and then we steal all of its ideas and write an entire article around it by the next morning. We've been doing this for years and you, master detective that you are, finally caught us. Guess we'll just shut down this whole Website now that our secret's out. Damn. Everything was going along so smoothly, too.
Also, the author's last name is "Fortey." It's right there in the byline, right after his first name.
MODERN INSECTS HATE YOU!
The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World
We'd recommend staying indoors to avoid these insects, but of course that would be pointless. Giant Hornets can drill straight through the side of your house, Bullet Ants know how to open doors and Bot Flies have probably already laced your pancakes with their eggs. Your options now are pretty much a) sit around and wait for death or b) walk around (while waiting for death).
Shenanigoat says "I had a bot fly larva embedded in my forehead for a few weeks...wasn't that bad...the other bugs are much scarier." Wasn't that bad? Wasn't that bad!?! Look, it's pretty clear what's going on here: the Bot Fly has completely taken over an innocent person's brain and is using its host to post pro-bot-fly propaganda in the comments section of highly influential Websites. Be warned, readers. Shenanigoat is just an unknowing vessel with a terrifying, brilliant bot fly at the wheel. Proceed with caution.
The Internet Party: What Happens When Google's Parents Leave for the Weekend?
The folks over at Those Aren't Muskets! give us an inside look at a party that's even lamer than the Cracked office Christmas party.
The News on Cracked
While most other news sources are wasting your time talking about a presidential election that won't even happen for, like, a whole year, Lex Friedman has been reporting the news you want to hear. Like this story about Mormon underpants. Also, just when you thought the world was completely out of questions, Kirk Filch slaps you right in the face with a buttload of tough ones. And, of course, we have the Week in Douchebaggery. CNN might give you more reliable news, but their Week in Douchebaggery segment just doesn't compare.
Yeah, I thought Cloverfield was a big letdown too.
Initially crippled with fear, the bystanders watched in disgust as the monster paused in mid-rampage to auto-fellate.
When you lock your keys inside your apartment your quadriplegic friend isn't always the best one to call for a boost through the window.
"99...100.. READY OR NOT HERE I COME!"
Bobby waited in earnest for his feeding but his mother was about to lay him flat with the truth: He was adopted.
Editor's pick (tie):
This picture came from a collection taken by Terrance and Lucy Hitchcock when they took their son Alfred on vacation... he was never the same since.
"Forest friends! ASSEMBLE!"
"And how much if I want those two at the same time?"
In Soviet Russia, you pay tooth fairy!
"So what did you do with your anthropology degree?"
"Man, what DIDN'T I do with my anthropology degree..."
By the time he realized that it was a marriage ceremony, it was too late.
"Pfft, no way man, you meeting Anthony Hopkins is about as likely as someone masturbating on a unicycle...."
"Mum? I'm in the park. Say, could you check Craigslist for me? 'Cause there is a middle-aged white guy here and he is circling me on an unicycle, but he isn't juggling. It did say he would be flashing me, riding an unicycle and juggling, right? "
"I find the easiest way to check the gender is just to flip 'em over like this. You'll wanna hold 'em with both hands so they don't kick you."
Joe would do anything to take attention away from his David Hasselhoff tanktop.