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Cracked's Got Humorrhoids

So we've got inflamed, uncomfortable Humorrhoids due to the increased straining that expelling a week's worth of comedy articles can put on a person. The details of this condition aren't too pleasant, but suffice it to say that we've got a buttload of comedy for you to look at and we can no longer go bike riding because it hurts like a son of a bitch.

A few lessons learned in high school: Columbus discovered America in 1492, a simile is a comparison using "like" or "as," and if you throw chalk at your professor, he will break every goddamn bone in your body.

Notable Comment: While this is a strong list, OneMore points us to this guy, who leaves our crazy teachers in the dust. The violent, unnecessarily abusive dust.

Monsters Those Teachers Could Take! The 7 Most Easily Escapable Movie Monsters
Do you have what it takes to avoid death at the hands of some of cinema's scariest monsters? That depends. Do you have legs and at least 30% of a functioning brain?

Notable Comment: Very Dissapointed was, not surprisingly, very disappointed with our list. Very complained "What the fuck. You couldnt think of Jaws? Dont go near the water for jaws." We hate to point this out, but Jaws wasn't a monster. He was a shark, like you might find at an aquarium. Thanks for the tip, though!

Dear Germany: Stick to beer, cars and funny accents. Leave the Halloween costumes to some of the less creepy and perverted countries. Thank you.

Notable Comment: Concerned German Solflare says "The myth about Germans believing Alf and David Hasselhoff are related is hugely overblown in the U.S. We only believed it for a short time in the late '80s. Please stop perpetuating this hurtful and embarassing stereotype." You heard it here first folks: The Germans would totally bone an Alf-Hasselhoff hybrid if only technology would permit it.

Here's our warning, and we're only giving it once: Read this article in doses. Taken all at once, this article will cause you to OD on kicking ass, and we don't want a bunch of thoroughly inspired corpses on our hands.

OK. We kinda do.

Notable Comment: Jamie says, "Congratulations on your first article that made me laugh so hard I almost got fired!" Almost isn't good enough, gentlemen, so step it up. Next time, we put her ass on the street.

Think you've got an original script on your hand? Well, just be careful. If this article is any indication, simply by including either ponytails or automobiles in your movie, some studio may rename your script Under Siege 3 or The Fast and the Furious 4: Slightly Faster Though Still Just As Furious, (respectively).

Notable Comment: Darthbile comes to the rescue to inform us that "Peter Weller (Robocop) is a history professor at Syracuse University. No one messes with his car, I hear." We are so taking that class.

"Professor Robocop, what's the significance of the revolution of San Domingo?"

"Well, it was the first ... Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening."

10 movies. 5 characters. 1 man.

Notable Comment: Apocowarg posts "I read an interview with Walken where he basically said he didn't give a shit about the quality of the movies he was in as long as he was working. That's the kind of attitude I can get behind." No way. The guy who was in Blast From the Past doesn't care about the quality of the movies he was in? The guy from Joe Dirt? The guy from Gigli!? Get right outta town.

Do you like pornography but hate actually watching it? Do you love masturbating but are incapable of doing so without the accompaniment of Michael Swaim's soothing voice? We have exactly what you need. Over at the Official Cracked Blog this week, we cover the raging fire in Southern California, speculate as to what franchises might merge into a ridiculous crossover flick, and finally, show you a device that helps you kick your own ass. If you can't find something on that blog that you think is interesting, then ... well we just can't help you.
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