Illegitimate Offspring: The 10 Most Tenuously Connected Movie Sequels

So, you have to make a sequel, but the original cast wants no part of it. Also, the plot of the first film makes a sequel logically impossible. Are you going to let that stop you? Of course not!

As the below movies prove, you're in good company! Well, you're definitely in company anyway.

Sequel To: Bruce Almighty

Tenuous Connection:
Evan Baxter, the anchor from the first movie. Oh, and God.

Plot Summary:
Congressman Evan Baxter is told to build an Ark, and he has to do it using ancient tools, because God is kind of a dick.

Why It Doesn't Work:
The first movie's premise was an interesting 'what-if' fantasy: "What if you had the powers of God?" Pondering this question while ignoring Jim Carrey as he twisted his stupid face around made Bruce Almighty almost tolerable. Evan Almighty takes this a step further and asks an even more thought-provoking question: "What if you had to build a boat? And also, you had a beard?"

For the sequel, news anchor Evan Baxter has become a congressman. How? Jim Carrey made him say a bunch of stupid crap on live television. You'd think saying "my tiny little nipples went to France" might make the campaign a bit challenging. Shouldn't God have mentioned this to Evan? "Hey, remember when you said a bunch of embarrassing stuff on live television, and how it's haunted you every day of your life, since it's totally unexplainable and frightening that someone else took control of your body? Yeah, that was my fault."

That's just the beginning of the dickishness from Evan Almighty's God, who presumably could have used His powers to prevent the flood, rather than have Evan build a stupid-ass boat. It's almost like they found it hard to write a family comedy based on the time God got mad and drowned the entire planet.

Sequel To: Speed

Tenuous Connection:
Annie, the girl that wound up driving the bus in the first movie.

Plot Summary:
Annie takes a cruise with her boyfriend, but Willem Dafoe is pissed off for some reason and he hijacks the ship!

Why It Doesn't Work:
What are the chances that this poor woman winds up on a vehicle that gets hijacked by a crazy terrorist played by an actor too good for the role twice in her life? Really, if your trip gets interrupted by a guy with a bomb as second time, the problem isn't terrorism. It's you.

Jason Patric plays Annie's useless cop boyfriend, a role that was clearly written for Keanu Reeves and thus probably contained directions to react to every situation with an expression of dull confusion.

Of course, the most glaring problem is that the movie is called Speed and yet takes place on a cruise ship, the slowest form of transportation ever devised by man. Will Speed 3 be about a bomb on a hot-air balloon? A donkey? A Segway scooter? It almost seems like they came up with the clever 'Cruise Control' pun in the title, and wrote the movie around it.

Really, Bullock should have known something was up when Keanu turne down the role. If the guy who starred in a sequel to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure passes on a movie script, you probably want to stay the fuck away.

Sequel To:The Blair Witch Project

Tenuous Connection:
A bunch of kids that saw the first movie and liked it. A lot.

Plot Summary:
A handful of college students take a "Blair Witch Tour" in the town where the first movie took place and crazy stuff happens. Wait, not crazy. Boring. Boring stuff happens.

Why It Doesn't Work:
The first Blair Witch movie worked only because of the ambiguity that the marketing folks created. Was it really the hand-held video of kids researching a town legend? Whether or not you bought into the marketing determined if you found the movie scary. Most of us realized it was obviously a gimmick, and didn't really find much to be scared about with cameramen snapping twigs outside tents and secretly rearranging stones. But, it worked for the folks who weren't sure.

The second movie decided to eliminate the whole "is it real" aspect and so got rid of the one thing that made the first movie scary for the anyone. All we're left with is a movie about the actual story of the Blair Witch. Guess what? That story is lame; that's why they had to dress it up with the fake documentary gimmick in the first place.

Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is one of those movies that actually ruins the predecessor. Now that the whole hype machine surrounding The Blair Witch Project is completely forgotten, it would be possible for someone unfamiliar to see the movie at a video rental store and pick it up, thinking it actually is based on a true story. Oh, but Blair Witch 2 is right next to it on the shelf, and it's starring the guy from Burn Notice. Nevermind.

Sequel To: RoboCop

Tenuous Connection:
Anne Lewis, RoboCop's partner.

Plot Summary:
RoboCop helps a bunch of people assert their rights as property owners.

Why It Doesn't Work:
Peter Weller, the original RoboCop, decided to pass on the movie. Do you know anything else Peter Weller has been in? The guy basically faced the choice of being able to afford to eat, or starring in RoboCop 3, and he chose to starve.

His replacement tried his hardest to purse his lips and talk like a robot, but the lack of Peter Weller made the movie seem like it belonged on television. Pretty much the only person who showed up for this movie who had ever been in another RoboCop movie was Nancy Allen, whose only other regular acting gig is showing up in our nightmares to whisper "Murphy, it's you," over and over.

During this movie, RoboCop replaces his hand with an automatic assault rifle attachment, attaches a jet pack to his suit, and fights robot ninjas. How do the words 'jet pack' and 'ninja' even get typed into a script about a cyborg that weighs over a ton? Modern screenplay-writing software should detect something like that and pop up a little paperclip that asks you if you've lost your fucking mind, then erases your hard drive.

Sequel To: Under Siege

Tenuous Connection:
Has the phrase "Under Siege" in the title.

Plot Summary:
Ex-Navy chef Steven Seagal is on a train that gets hijacked by some guys who are doing something with computers and satellites.

Why It Doesn't Work:
This movie originally had nothing to do with the original Under Siege. It was a script called Dark Territory about bad guys that have to hijack a train to do bad stuff. It has nothing to do with the Navy. It has nothing to do with the previous movie. Basically, Steven Seagal auditioned for the part and got it, so the producers figured they might as well give his character the same name as in Under Siege and call it a sequel.

What's especially odd is that, around this time, Speed was in need of a sequel, which meant it needed a script about a fast-moving vehicle, explosions and terrorists. Dark Territory would have fit, but it was turned into a sequel to Under Siege instead. This left Speed 2 in need of a script, so they used what was originally supposed to be the script for the third Die Hard movie, about a boat being hijacked. This obviously left Die Hard 3 in need of a script, so they gave Bruce Willis a sassy black partner and used the script that was originally going to be the fourth Lethal Weapon movie. This obviously left Lethal Weapon 4 without a script, but apparently they went ahead and shot that movie without one.

The bad guys in this movie hijack the train because, as they explain, nobody can track them if they keep moving. That's the best justification the writers could think of for someone hijacking a train. Apparently it never occurred to these guys to rent a van, avoiding any potential run-ins with assholes wearing tiny ponytails. It's also a lot more unpredictable because it doesn't, you know, run on tracks.