Harry Potter

Cracked's mascot Sylvester with Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter

Cracked/Warner Bros.

Harry Potter is secretly a millionaire, so we're not sure how his Hogwarts adventures even happened in the first place. Seriously, if we wrote Harry Potter, he would've gone to Gringott's Miami, withdrawn 10 million gilded Woobywuffles, blown it all on 8 kilograms of Merlinsnoot, called up some bayou dryads on spring break, and partied until the Coast Guard fished a waterlogged Hagrid out of the Biscayne Bay.

Sure, this all would've made for an unsellable children's book, but J.K. Rowling is the next Orson Scott Card, so maybe our version will be read by schoolchildren 500 years from now. (Spoiler alert: Voldemort's soul is trapped in a brick of cocaine and only Hermione can defeat him. How? She must snort him all the day before the O.W.L. exams. Who among you is foolish enough to stop us?)

In the meantime, here's everything Cracked's written about Harry Potter (and Snape and Dumbledore and Argus the dog and those D+ Fantastic Beasts movies nobody actually likes). If we're being honest, the world would've been a far better place had The Mouse and the Motorcycle become a multinational children's entertainment juggernaut instead. Can you imagine a theme park of nothing but mice and motorcycles? Paradise.

Sneak Preview of the Harry Potter Sequel!

To get this scoop before everyone else, Cracked used all of its reporting ingenuity and resources -- a USB thumb drive and a monkey with some extremely questionable training -- to acquire a draft of the first chapter of Rowling's new novel.

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