Harry Potter
Cracked/Warner Bros.
Harry Potter is secretly a millionaire, so we're not sure how his Hogwarts adventures even happened in the first place. Seriously, if we wrote Harry Potter, he would've gone to Gringott's Miami, withdrawn 10 million gilded Woobywuffles, blown it all on 8 kilograms of Merlinsnoot, called up some bayou dryads on spring break, and partied until the Coast Guard fished a waterlogged Hagrid out of the Biscayne Bay.
Sure, this all would've made for an unsellable children's book, but J.K. Rowling is the next Orson Scott Card, so maybe our version will be read by schoolchildren 500 years from now. (Spoiler alert: Voldemort's soul is trapped in a brick of cocaine and only Hermione can defeat him. How? She must snort him all the day before the O.W.L. exams. Who among you is foolish enough to stop us?)
In the meantime, here's everything Cracked's written about Harry Potter (and Snape and Dumbledore and Argus the dog and those D+ Fantastic Beasts movies nobody actually likes). If we're being honest, the world would've been a far better place had The Mouse and the Motorcycle become a multinational children's entertainment juggernaut instead. Can you imagine a theme park of nothing but mice and motorcycles? Paradise.
'Harry Potter' Needs To Stop Making Plot-Hole Explanations So Complicated
Far be it from J.K. Rowling to remember anything she's ever written.
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- By Amanda Mannen
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42
42 The Love Life Of 'Harry Potter's Professor McGonagall Needs A Movie
Unlike Snape, she wasn't a giant wiener about her heart break.
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- By Amanda Mannen
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- 18
'Harry Potter' Is The Dying Star In Our Pop Culture Universe
Harry Potter and the Chamber of No One Gives a Crap Anymore.
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- By JM McNab
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- 130
The Sorting Hat Is 'Harry Potter's Most Tragic Character
Every person in those stories was lucky if they escaped with only mild PTSD, but the most tragic character in the Harry Potter universe isn’t a person.
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- By Amanda Mannen
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- 18
Who Is The Actual Worst Person In 'Harry Potter?'
It could just be all of them.
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- By Dan Duddy
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- 64
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Ways The Harry Potter Universe Is Incredibly Dark
These books just get worse the more you think about them.
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- By Cracked Writers, Ryan Menezes
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- 75
An Official Harry Potter Store Is Coming For Your Wallet
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- By Amanda Mannen
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- 2
Sleep In This Random House From 'Harry Potter' For $200
Though Hagrid's indelible personal musk is free, and locked in the carpets.
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- By JM McNab
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- 0
'Harry Potter And The Religious Backlash' Gets A 2019 Reboot
Even regressive acts of censorship can give us cozy feelings of nostalgia.
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- By JM McNab
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No, J.K. Rowling, We Don't Want To Hear More Magic Trivia
Four new books are coming, but we've already seen too much.
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- By Cedric Voets
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- 89
Get Ready For Bruce Springsteen's 'Harry Potter' Song
The Boss' ode to The Boy Who Lived is finally being released.
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- By JM McNab
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- 12
It's Time To Discuss That Gross 'Harry Potter' Revelation
J.K. Rowling crapped all over the Wizarding World ... literally.
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- By JM McNab
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- 54
'Fantastic Beasts 2' May Screw Up The Harry Potter Timeline
Another crime of Grindelwald's may be screwing with the Harry Potter canon.
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- By JM McNab
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- 22
The Completely Insane Scene From The New 'Harry Potter' Game
'Harry Potter: Hogwarts Mystery' isn't just a bad game. It also gives us the darkest moment in video game history.
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- By Adam Wears
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- 29
'Harry Potter' AR Could Be Niantic's Worst Move Yet
We wish Niantic luck in their valiant crusade to rattle nerd cages.
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- By Tim Hawkman, Luis Prada
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- 0
