6 Hilarious New Costumes That Fail to Cash in on New Movies

That's the same toothy smile a silverback gorilla flashes as a final warning before it wears your corpse as a fun hat. Aside from his dystopian nightmare-verse where sentient dogs enslave humans and sadistically carom them all about the space-time continuum, there's absolutely nothing creepy about Sherman. HE'S JUST A CHILD IN GLASSES WEARING A WHITE T-SHIRT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. How do you screw that up? Why, by giving him the compound eyes of an insect:

freepictures.com
"Head houses up to 100 bees!"

Again, here is the most no-effort costume in existence rendered uncomfortable and unnerving. (This is a theme we will keep revisiting.) It's like if all Harry Potter costumes came not with coke-bottle spectacles but with Daniel Radcliffe's yowling latex death mask.

Those masks aren't a lovable, ol' B-movie monster. That's the grin of a man with a secret (who wandered onto a nuclear test range). The kid version isn't any better:

scified.com
Like most child actors, the baby from Dinosaurs is going through dark times.

But for true scares, may we suggest abandoning the mask altogether and embracing the hoodie?

scified.com
If you want to get shot by the police on sight, we mean.

Indeed, Warner Bros. has green-lit a handy-dandy way to make the 7-Eleven clerk shit himself while you pilfer his register. And you don't even need a firearm, as you can just make the clerk extremely uncomfortable with your disturbingly luscious radioactive abs.

This? This is simply a nightmare the costume designer described to his psychiatrist. But it's not just an unholy costume, it's also a lazy one:

partycity.com
"I think I once saw an ape wear Skechers."
"What? Where?"
"Oh, in my Planet of the Apes/Ringo Starr slash fiction."

Requirement No. 1 for any decent monkey suit should be "hair everywhere," which clearly isn't the case. Also note the model wore goddamn jeans in the promotional photo. The fact that this costume doesn't even include pants could be seen as an oversight, but we choose to interpret it as a misguided stab at realism.

Oh. Thorin from The Hobbit? Really? That's problematic for a few reasons: obviously, that kid's sporting a remarkably fake beard, unless he broke into The Rock's house and made off with his steroid stash. But, more importantly, this poor model doesn't look like a badass dwarf warrior -- he looks like a hobo who got dressed on a dumpster behind Medieval Times.

costumediscounters.com
"That best not be my bed thou is peeing on."

If your kid wants to trick-or-treat as a train-hopping vagabond, paying Warner Bros. $30 isn't the way to go. Just throw Junior some old rags to wear, make him a bindle, rub some dirt on his face, slap a better fake beard on his chin, and send him off into that good night. And if he still wants to be someone from Lord of the Rings -- come on, at least one of them is bound to have produced a costume that won't get your kid forcibly dragged off to a rehab clinic.

That's supposed to be a kid, not a grown-ass man with a FetLife account wearing his "weekend epidermis." And if that body suit isn't bad enough, here's the mask:

buycostumes.com
"What a, uh, a semi-passable Grandmother Tree from Pocahontas."

Yeah, that's a straight-up Ent gimp mask, woven mouth and all. Let's move on to Drax the Destroyer, whose costume may seem like a good idea for like two seconds until you realize it makes your kid look like Eczema Action Frankenstein:

partycity.com
Knife not included: it just materializes on whoever puts this on.

Rare is the costume that makes a child look both half-naked and dignified, and by rare, we mean nonexistent. And finally there's Rocket Raccoon, who ... oh no. Oh no.

partycity.com
Yep. Furry. Fuck it.

Raccoon ears + raccoon tail + space vest + big cardboard laser blaster. THIS COSTUME IS NOT HARD. Geez Marvel, would it kill you to stick to Spider-Man costumes?

Shockingly, Marvel's official Electro costume is pretty damn accurate, but that's the problem. It's not the blue skin, and it's not those throbbing dong veins painfully jutting out his skull -- it's the TEETH.

wholesalehalloweencostumes.com
Everyone knows teeth and dick veins don't mix.

Foxx's chompers are full-time gigantic, and he could probably gnash through an Oldsmobile if he was hungry enough. They're blindingly white, too, even by eerie Hollywood standards. Stick that mouth onto a bright blue face and make him look like he's experiencing a never-ending orgasm. In fact, the only way this costume gets any worse is if you don't wear it. Why? Because your eyes and your soul are the only thing keeping it from evolving into its true form: a Hellmouth.

entertainmentearth.com
There's no way Foxx had his pants on when this plaster was taken.

In conclusion, JUST PAINT YOUR SKIN BLUE AND IF ANYBODY THINKS YOU'RE THE GUY FROM AVATAR START QUOTING OLD IN LIVING COLOR SKETCHES: DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT WEAR THIS.

Jason Iannone is a Cracked columnist, editor, layout guy, Personal Experience interviewer, and Quick Fix writer. His work badge is 15 feet long. Find him on Facebook and Twitter.

For Halloween costumes that are not giant piles of garbage, check out 4 Crazy Ways Halloween's Going High-Tech.