Darryl fled through the woods for miles, trying to find his way to the home of some close friends. Darryl's quite frankly unreasonable luck held out, and a passing driver offered him a ride.
His girlfriend told us: "He hops in and they chat a little. The whole time, his mind is racing. He wants the car, but he doesn't want to kill her." (And that, kids, is why you should be wary of picking up hitchhikers!) "Then again, if he just steals the car, then the cops will have a better tail on him. They come to an intersection. He decides to test her. If she failed, he'd steal the car."
"You can call a lifeline, but not 9-1-1."
Darryl clarifies: "I ask, 'Are you a cop or something?' I know she wasn't. I needed to see how she'd respond. 'Naw, I'm a criminal just like yourself.' I had to laugh at that. She wasn't stupid -- other than picking up strange men. 'OK, then, criminal. I just escaped from the county jail, and I need to go that way.' 'Aw shit, no problem!' Eventually, we get near the place I need to be. 'Watch for me on the news, and don't trip out. Thanks for the ride.'"
As far as Darryl knows, she never reported him to the police. Not true of his friends, though: When he finally made it to them, they gave him a change of clothes and five bucks. "Get yourself a foot-long on me," the friends presumably said.
Yet another thing a prisoner never wants to hear.
Thus equipped, Darryl fled into the woods. Shortly after, he saw helicopters. His friends had called the cops. That just goes to show you: Never trust anybody with a Subway punch-card.
Darryl eventually made it to the home of some trustworthy, reliable, more Quiznos-frequenting friends. They put a care package together for him: food, shoes, a hat, cash, a lighter, and a very old pack of cigarettes. ("Those were mine when I got locked up. Three months old. Finely aged!") The next day, he met with an old drinking buddy. They got stoned together, and then his friend went off and called the cops. Darryl managed to get away and contact his cellmate's buddy on the outside (the original plan, remember?) who agreed to pick him up ... and then also ratted him out to the cops.
If you can't trust the shady friend of a shady convict, who can you trust?
"I pack everything up and get ready to leave. I peek out of the window and see cops in the parking lot. The pool is in front of my room. There's a family with kids in it. I put on my shorts and walk out with a towel, eyes down. I know the place is surrounded. The family gets out when I slip in. Cops eventually run up on me with guns drawn. I wished I had one myself. Cuffed and shackled, put in the car wet. They want me to sign something so they can get in my room. I didn't care. I made a deal with them to sign it for a few cigarettes. Six cops surround me while I smoke. News cameras are trying to catch a shot of me. In the car, two detectives sit on either side of me. I still want to make a grab for the driver's gun anyway."
Steve Ross/iStock/Getty Images
Once again: He's not the hero, just the main character.
Darryl is back in prison now, and likely will be for a very long time. He attempted one more escape, but it just didn't take. If there's one lesson you get from all of this, let it be: Don't rob folks, even with a fake gun. If there are two lessons, let the other be: Always carry hair grease.
Robert Evans runs the Cracked personal experience article team, and he has a Twitter.
For more insider perspectives, check out 6 Ways Women's Prison Is More Horrifying Than It Looks on TV and 6 Ways Prison Is More Horrifying Than Movies Make It Look.
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