If you're thinking that guy was probably drunk off his ass, well, that brings me to ...
God Loves Drunks, but We Hate Them
Once upon a time, a dude in a Jaguar decided to pass my patrol car ... via the sidewalk. As funny as that sounds, catching drunken drivers can be an unholy pain in the ass. When you smell liquor on his breath, you're signing away hours of your life to testing and booking. I didn't have to deal with that too much because I was never a DWI Squad person -- the DWI system is special.
You'd think that drunken people almost spot themselves, but no -- like murderers and drug dealers, they get their own police. It's actually a huge industry. The whole process behind deciding whether a driver is drunk has become so elaborate that it necessitates specialists. The point being, if you're driving hammered, there are cops around with literally no job but to catch you.
"Eh, it's just an armed robbery. We'll chill here unless somebody swerves."
And you would be amazed at the shit intoxicated people survive. One fine spring night, two young women were on their way home from a party where, despite their age, they may have imbibed a bit more than their systems could handle. Witnesses tell me that their little sports car was traveling around 100 mph when it left the highway, went up an exit ramp, and tried to make it into the U-turn lane without loss of speed.
Now, in this particular city, the median is decorated with these really big concrete boxes filled with bushes or trees to trick people into believing every inch of dirt hasn't been paved over twice. And it just so happens that huge concrete boxes are heavier than tiny sports cars. The two collided, and believe me, that girl was pissed at her now-totaled hot rod.
"I spilled three of my four vodka gimlets!"
She was probably more upset, however, when she looked over at her passenger and saw that her lady friend had not been wearing her seat belt, and that inertia had taken her by the hand and led her out of the car via the front windshield. She hadn't fully made it out, which might be why her (dumb) friend tried to pull her back inside. Fortunately for the passenger, a witness happened to be an EMT driving home. He saw this stupidity happening and proceeded to dive-tackle some sense into the driver, who had dragged her passenger out of the vehicle at this point.
Just to cap the whole thing off, the passenger initially refused ambulance transport. They took her when she fainted, one step later (she lived, by the way).
Related Reading: Cracked loves talking to people with crazy jobs, like these paranormal investigators who know the meth-stained secrets of that job BEHIND the TV screen. We also talked with a doctor and let him share the things he can't tell you to your face. A member of Scientology's secret space navy talked to us about about his escape and this Bangladeshi atheist talked to us about nearly dying thanks to religious extremists. If you've got a story to share with Cracked, reach us here.