‘The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week’

‘When I was 25, all I did was just scream, ‘Sellout! Fucking sellouts! Corporate sellout! Industry bullshit!’ I looked back on it and I realized, ‘Oh, I was screaming sellout because nobody wanted to buy what I was selling.’

Including this terrifying bit from Ronald Reagan at the height of the Cold War: ‘My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes’

‘Edward Norton takes the craft of acting very seriously. He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk by spending 30 years losing his temper and turning into a giant a**hole’

‘You will eat less than you desire and more than you deserve’

Not even your Ultra MAGA Boomer uncle is this sexist, racist, transphobic and Islamophobic

Jimmy Fallon in blackface. Wayne and Garth mocking a 12-year-old Chelsea Clinton’s looks. Dana Carvey transforming into Camilla Parker Bowles’ tampon. Here’s the worst of the worst from Studio 8H

‘In Canada, the drinking age is 18. That’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them’

‘I’m trying to teach my kindergartners the letter ‘C,’ and they are distracted by ‘Baby Shark.' It’s like ‘Back That Azz Up’ for kids’

‘I was just on a flight with a medical emergency. Luckily, there were eight doctors on it, which was so comforting. But then I started thinking, ‘This is Frontier Airlines. They can’t be good doctors. This guy is f----d!’’