15 of the Biggest MFers on Earth

Oh great, even more things to make us feel insignificant
15 of the Biggest MFers on Earth

As anyone who has recently felt compelled to watch the first Scary Movie can attest, it’s not the size of the hammer, it’s the nail you’re throwing it at. But there are absolutely occasions where size does matter. If you’re dropping a rock on a dude’s head, for instance, a beautiful or interesting rock isn’t going to be as effective as a really big one. Fishermen don’t make outlandish claims of catching one that got away but was “this fascinating.”

The planet Earth is home to some hefty motherfuckers, really big bastards that sometimes have nothing else going for them at all, but really make you go, “Damn, that’s big.” Bigness kind of transcends everything, you know? People from different cultures, who speak different languages and feel like they have little in common, can all see a really big dog and think exactly the same thing: Fucking hell, what a big dog.

With the humanity-unifying ability of giantness in mind, perhaps this list of truly massive motherfuckers might herald a new era of world peace. Or it might just make you think, “Yes, that is quite big for a tree, isn’t it?”

The Biggest Thing That Hit Us, What a Space Bastard

CRACKED The asteroid that caused the Vredefort crater in South Africa around two billion years ago had a radius of 118 miles, making the one that killed the dinosaurs (six miles) the space version of a micropenis.

Source / Space 

The Humongous Fungus That Lives Among Us: The Biggest Living Thing of Any Kind

CRACKED In Oregon's Blue Mountains, there's a single fungus that, if collected into one place, would be about four square miles. It's amazing there's mushroom for anything else.

Source / Discovery 

Vroom Vroom, It’s the World’s Biggest Vehicle

CRACKED BEL Hutz your The Bagger 293 is a bucket-wheel excavator built in 1995 and weighs over 14,000 tons. It can clear 90 tons of earth from a building site in one go, doing up to 85,000 tons a day. It's grey and badass.

Source / Reddit 

Fuck Your Scissors: The World’s Biggest Rock

CRACKED The biggest rock in the world is Burringurrah, also known as Mount Augustus, in Australia. It's twice as massive as the better-known Uluru, at 2,350 feet high and five miles long, although arguably not as photogenic.

Source / Embark 

One Big Son of a Bitch: The World’s Biggest Dog

CRACKED Zeus, a Great Dane from Otsego, Michigan, was the tallest dog in the world - 44 inches tall when standing, and 7-foot-4 on his hind legs. Не made it to the ripe old age of five and was a good boy.


Biggest Fish, Biggest Shark, Biggest Upstager of Jason Statham

CRACKED The megalodon is long dead - thank fuck. The biggest shark to have ever lived reached 60 feet long, with 274 teeth and a mouth wide enough to eat two people simultaneously. They died out about three million years ago. Good.

Source / Nat Geo 

Sssssssssssssssssso Big: The World’s Longest Snake

CRACKED The reticulated python is the longest snake in the world, with one reaching 39 feet 10 inches in length. However, anacondas are girthier, which as we all know is more important. A 27-foot specimen was nearly four feet around.


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