The largest anaconda on record stretches a considerable 27-feet at its proudest moments.
This was one of those moments.
However, its ancestor Titanoboa cerrejonensis (yes, it is actually called the Titanoboa) grew to lengths anywhere between 40- and 50-feet, weighed in at two and a half thousand pounds, and could probably crush you to death with a harsh glance. Without dispute, it is the most ass-blastingly enormous snake that has ever existed.
Check your ass, because it has likely just been blasted.
The Titanoboa lived about 60 million years ago and actually survived the extinction event that killed all the dinosaurs, effectively curling up its tail and smacking natural selection directly in the testicles, staving off death for several more millennia.
Why it's a Good Thing They're Dead:
Despite the unmitigated supervillain awesomeness of its name, the Titanboa could probably eat the entire student body of an elementary school in an afternoon, which could be seriously damaging to the future of the fast food industry. On the plus side, the careers of Casper Van Dien and Lorenzo Lamas would create enough tax revenue to end world hunger.
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