|
Most of you are well aware of our stance on nature here at Cracked: We're against it. It's scary, it's weird and it keeps trying to kill us. Mother Nature is the world's greatest supervillain, and her cruelty is only outweighed by her deviousness. Sure, none of the diabolical predators below will hurt you personally--that we know of--but just imagine what some of the poor victims go through when these crazy-ass organic ninjas strike. #6.
The Glow Worm Cave
Imagine that you're a moth in New Zealand (please, as if you weren't already). You're whirling around in the dark one night, thinking moth thoughts--how much you like light, you wish you had some light, isn't light great--when you accidentally blunder into a cave. No worries, happens all the time. You don't exactly have GPS here; you're just a stupid moth. So you turn right around and hey! There's the sky right there! I guess you weren't in a cave after all! Isn't being a moth great?
You spread your wings and spiral up, up into that sparkling sea of stars... and smack your face right into one. Oh god, did you finally do it?! You did! You flew towards the sky-lights so hard that you actually reached it! You turn to flap away to brag to your moth friends back home, but something is pulling you back. As you're hauled up into the heavens themselves, your last sensation is of something long and slimy chewing its way into your sides.
Considered a stunning tourist attraction by us humans, the dazzling lightshow of the Glow Worm Cave is more like a lesson in nature's callous brutality. What appears to be the fanciful twinkling of the night sky there is actually the dangling mucus strands of fungus gnat maggots illuminated by colonies of bacteria.
The ropes of maggot phlegm operate on the same cunning principle as your porch light, confusing nocturnal insects who navigate by the light of the stars and moon. Once they feel a tug on their festive blue boogers, the maggots reel in the trap, eat the bug and then lower it again once they're done. So yes, it's a wonderful, magical destination; go ahead, grab the whole family to take a gander at H.P. Lovecraft's Carnivorous Christmas lights. #5.
Blister Beetle Grubs
You're a male Habropoda pallida, a type of solitary bee, and we're all very impressed that you're using the Internet right now. But let's play pretend, shall we? Let's say you're out there flitting about in nature, when you happen to glance down and spot a female. You bumble* your way down in typical horny bee fashion to show that honey* what a stinger can do (we don't really understand bee anatomy; the stinger is the penis, right?), but something's not right. It feels different. It feels... wrong. *Yes, those were bee-based puns, and yes, you're welcome. That's because you just boned a giant blob of hairy, squirming, baby-eating worms. But... why? Do bees even have tequila? Why on Earth did you do that?
Because broods of the parasitic blister beetle, Meloe franciscanus, fooled you: They clumped together in approximately the shape of a female bee, and then released a pheromone to entice presumably wasted bees with low standards buzzing their way home from last call. So while the bee tries in vain to find a vagina in a ball of worms, the grubs latch onto his fur and stay there until the next time he mates with an actual female, at which point they'll transfer to her body and hitch a ride back to the bee nursery, free to feast upon the helpless infants within.
So in summation: Meloe franciscanus are, essentially, living parasitic STDS. You couldn't have a worse sexual experience if you went down on C'thulu against a dumpster in the alleyway behind a crackhouse. You ruined sex for everything, Meloe. Thanks a lot. #4.
Portia Spiders
So you're lounging around in a freshly-built web one day--just chillin', hangin' out, all bein' a spider and shit--when you feel the telltale struggles of a delicious little victim. As you prepare to pump your squirming dinner with venom, something goes terribly awry; the "trapped" bug easily scurries out of view, and you feel a pair of tiny fangs sink right into your ass. O, irony! Wait, is that irony or does that just suck? You don't know. You don't understand complicated English concepts; you're just a damn spider. Or at least you were. Now you're dead.
You ran afoul of the Portia spider, and it's not really your fault that it totally kicked your ass at being a spider. See, the Portia displays more brainpower than was ever thought possible in an insect. Each individual Portia employs their own unique and vast arsenal of dastardly impersonations to trick, ensnare and consume their prey. A Portia spider might strum a pattern on a strand to impersonate the buzzing of a fly caught in another spider's web, while a different spider of the same exact species might opt to catch a real fly to throw in the web and, while the prey spider is distracted, sneak up behind it. It may pretend to be inanimate by moving only in the wind, it may observe and duplicate another spider's entire mating ritual or sometimes it might even build a complete web of its own that attaches to its victim's, thereby creating a trap out of the spider's own trap.
Jesus, Portia, there's being clever and then there's just being a dick. Portia spiders design a new tactic for every individual spider they hunt, noting the prey's species, behaviors and circumstances before formulating their plan of attack. The Portia spider is so ingeniously murderous, it makes the Joker look like a furious mongoloid with a sledgehammer. Don't believe us? Think we're exaggerating? Hell, maybe you're right. Maybe you should tell us. Maybe you should click to leave a comment in that little box down there... .* *Cracked Industries has recently merged with Portia Inc., and by reading this notice you acknowledge and waive all legal right to complaint arising from any and all comment boxes that have been secretly replaced with hungry spiders. |
5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness
7 Things "Good Parents" Do (That Screw Kids Up for Life)
5 Superpowers You Didn't Know Your Body Was Hiding From You
Nature's 6 Most Diabolical Predators
Insect, arachnid....who gives a s**t, it a f**king bug.
I would never make the insect/arachnid mistake, I've been a studier of arthropods since before kindergarten. Editorial screwed up and never fixed it :(
I swear on my life I'm not just trying to be a smartass. For what it's worth, though, it drives me vein-popping wuwu when people refer to spiders as insects. Makes the rest of the article seem ignorant, regadless of the content. So, for future reference, at least remember that anything with more than six legs is not a f**king insect. Easy.
number one is nature's rip off of those roof hanging aliens from hl.
Hey, it's in the dictionary, middling is a word. Fine with me. :P
I find it so odd that people found this article not funny. I also find it odd that Korina used the term 'middling'. How very, very strange... 'Middling...' No one says that.
$30 nike jordan prada timberland supra,lacoste,gucci shoes $25 CHANEL, GUCCI, LV, COACH, FENDI, BURBERRY, D&G, JUICY, Ed Hardy handbag $30 coogi jeans,armani,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu jeans,Diesel,Christian Audigier,Rock,True Religion,Affliction,Ed Hardy,RMC jeans etc $35 Coogi,Crow Holder,D&G,Evisu,Bape,BBC,Diesel,Christan Audigier,Rock, True Religion, Affliction, Ed Hardy, RMC hoodies $15 Michael Jackson, Armani t-shirts,Affliction,Coogi,Ed hardy,LRG,Crown older,Evisu,G-star,Polo,Christian Audigier t-shirts Top quality! Free shipping!Free returns!No any extra cost! Please visit ------------------------------------------------------http://www.netsowntown.com
My friends recommended me a very interesting place ~~~ AgelessFriends.com ~~~ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. You may wanna check it out or tell your friends.
My friends recommended me a very interesting place ~~~ AgelessFriends.com ~~~ It's a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. You may wanna check it out or tell your friends.
Hey Smiler, just for clarification does the bear have the dildo or you?
I can't believe you so turned s l u t t y in to "s**tty.
You forgot the horror of the drug-addicted, s**tty Bush twins...Jenna and Erkel or whatever the f**k their names are.
Great article but, HOW DARE YOU SAY BANANA IS THE WORST SLURPEE FLAVOR! IT ROCKS! and is it just me or does this comment box feeling like a hungry spider?
Is it just me or does the portia spider looks like a tarantulas slow... but horrifically lethal cousin? Id rather fight a bear with a dildo than face that thing
Heh, should have added the Assassin Bug's cousin the Ambush bug to the entry. Oh, I'm a happy little bee, going to grab some nectar form a pretty golden rod flower. I land happily on it when BAM something grabs me by the sides of my head and rams a spike between my eyes. Oh, and the thing that did it was only about the size of my head to start with. Then it sucks out the sweet sweet brain juice and tosses my half hollowed corpse to the ground.
Nice. The Lovecraftian imagery of the first two was quite pleasant. If I ever see C'thulu in the red light district, I'll be sure to be careful.
Nice article. Well done.
Awesome, awesome article. Anyone who hates it deserves to die by Portia spider.
I laughed at bug-emo, does that make me a horrible person?
Here's number 7!! http://makefunofmyfriends.com/stoopid-friends/Staring-At-His-Charred-Balls-In-a-Mason-Jar-Anthony-Finally-Realized-There-Was-More-To-Life-Than-Competing-In-the-Tough-Guy-Challenge/
6 Things Your Body Does Every Day That Science Can't Explain
6 Bullshit Facts About Psychology That Everyone Believes
13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares
The 6 Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Animal Facts
The Men Who Stare At Goats: New Trailer
Curse of the Duck Hunt Dog
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
Fark
