Cracked Archive - News
The news reads like an encyclopedia of worst-case scenarios.
Whether you have a 'live and let live' approach or you're convinced that every person with a foreign accent is destroying this country from within, you're probably operating under some false assumptions about the issue.
Watching the news can make you feel like your brain just worked a long shift at a diaper-cleaning service.
Trying to stay current with the news is like getting a job manning Earth's complaint desk.
The news can make it look like the world is directed by Zack Snyder while going through a bitter divorce.
We've got your morning reading covered.
The news reads like somebody gave a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters and then set the building on fire.
The news media knows that if you ever stop being terrified, they go bankrupt.
We say this in all earnestness: Please, won't someone think of the children?
- By Carolyn Burke
People shared these last week like you're right now sharing sad Ben Affleck.
- By Cracked Writers
The news often reads like humankind's angry, rambling suicide note.
Apparently Russia has a troll factory.
- By Blair Dodge
The news is like a series of strangers saying, 'This milk is spoiled! Here, smell it! I SAID SMELL IT.'
The news is crafted specifically to cater to people who enjoy being angry and/or terrified.
The news can seem like this is all an elaborate prank being played by a billionaire for his reality show.
Today's news is like a less plausible version of the wacky fake headlines from 1980s movies set in the future.