The 10 Best Dark Humor Jokes from George Carlin

‘There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them’

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The 5 Greatest Revenge Matches in MMA History

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Ladies will tell you that fighting was only invented because men needed a way to measure their dongs when they were away from a ruler. But this fighting article is about something you can appreciate, girls: revenge. Sometimes combat is simply used as a way to tell your enemy that you thought about what they did and fuck them. Please enjoy the five greatest examples of mixed martial arts vengeance.

Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir (UFC 100)The Brutal, Dickish Revenge

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Brock Lesnar is a human cheat-code. He is 300 pounds of muscle and judging by the way he darts around, I don't think mass and inertia were properly explained to him. He has so much wild animal meat inside him at any time that bears unsheath their penis bones when his scent catches the wind. Brock Lesnar is exactly what you would use if you were making an army of super clone soldiers, which explains why his outgoing voicemail message is, "I am one of you, ordinary human. You can tell me where the resistance is hiding after the beep."

Brock is such a physical beast that in his first UFC fight, his second MMA fight ever, he got matched up against the former UFC Heavyweight Champion, Frank Mir. Despite having about 70 seconds of professional fighting experience, Brock was manhandling Frank. He threw him down, punched him down, and scientists everywhere started calling each other, trying to figure out which of their colleagues had finally figured out how to turn into the Hulk.Frank is a crafty submission artist, though; and while Brock was standing over him and deciding which part to smash, Frank expertly pulled him into a kneebar and tapped him out. It gave hope to martial artists everywhere that they might stand a chance in a Bigfoot attack if his joints work like ours. They don't. In fact, that's where Bigfoot keeps his milk sacs. All you're going to do is cover yourself in salty ape whey, but I'm getting off topic. After this fight, Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar both turned into impossible assholes.
Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir I:For a year and a half, Frank told everyone about how stupid Brock was for getting caught in such a basic kneebar. Frank also told everyone how awesome he was for pulling off such a brilliant kneebar. Being a dick is more of an art than a science. Brock's approach to the trash talking was more primal. He was going to revenge fuck Frank Mir's corpse until his ghost had a baby.

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When they had their rematch at UFC 100, complicated circumstances had led to each of them being a UFC Heavyweight Champion. Not only would they unify the belt, we'd finally see who was deadliest: Ardipithecus or Douchebag. The fight started like their first one-- Brock used his secret technique of being fifty times stronger to hold Frank down by his neck and face and punch him. The only moves Frank managed to land were several thumbs up to his corner to signal that he was still alive, somewhere under the feasting manananggal.

One criticism of Brock's fighting technique is his lack of patience. In his early MMA fights, he tended to frantically whack at his opponents like his mother just deleted his save game. This never really mattered since a sloppy half-punch from Brock Lesnar is an extinction level event for spinal fluid. He has more muscles in his forearms than a clown has in his four freezers. Brock had to marry a pro wrestler because when he shifts in his sleep it's the equivalent of The Bushwackers Irish-whipping you into a steel ladder. However, Brock's thirst for revenge had focused his rage. He wasn't spazzing away with tiny shots-- he was measuring his punches in pure hate. By the end of the first round there was so much of Frank's face on Brock Lesnar's knuckles that to this day, Frank can still taste it when Brock reaches into an elk's uterus to hide his valuables.When Frank survived the first round, the remaining parts of his brain took one look at the beast that almost killed him and thought, "If we're not dead, that can only mean one thing:
we are invincible." It's the only reason I can think of to explain why he got close to Brock and attempted a flying double knee. It had all the foresight of going to an Alabama family reunion without a condom. Sure enough, Frank bounced off and fell onto his back. It was such an open invitation to a ravaging that I think he might have been trying to confuse and overload Brock Lesnar's sex glands.Brock fell on him like he was working a jackhammer, and Frank's desperate attempt to roll away from the beating only made things worse. The referee stopped the fight right before it became a recipe for Swedish meatballs. Brock celebrated by taunting the bloody remains of Frank Mir. He screamed, "Talk all the shit you want now!" Then, mad with revenge, he started flipping off the crowd. Because seriously, fuck those guys for just sitting there and letting him liquify a human. 12,191 MMA fans in attendance and none of them thought to bring tranquilizer darts? That's poor planning. There aren't enough Coors Lights in The Mandalay Bay Events Center to drop a Brock Lesnar after it's made a fresh kill.
Brock Lesnar vs. Frank Mir - The Revenge Match:

Fred Ettish vs. The Sport of MMA (CFX Gladiator Evolution)The Symbolic Revenge

The 5 Greatest Revenge Matches in MMA History
When Fred Ettish made his pro debut in 1994 at UFC 2, he suffered one of the worst losses in the sport's history. His opponent was a kickboxer named Johnny Rhodes who had what seemed to be a 400 pound weight advantage. It was an onslaught of tragic comedy. It looked like a hobo broke into a karate studio and started beating up a nine-year-old and everyone was content to see how it played out. Through a series of unblocked incoming punches and ineffective outgoing kicks, Shorin Ryu Matsumura Kenpo Karate seemed to be telling Fred, "I've been lying to you your whole life!" Very quickly his strategy became curling into a ball and hoping the local blood bank was well-stocked and didn't charge extra for poor decisions.

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The Internet was a total dick about it. Websites were devoted to Fred Ettish's fetal fighting style and for fifteen years he was a cruel punchline. For instance, just look at the end of this very sentence where I say that he lost at UFC 2 so badly that police dogs still confuse his scent for missing battered women.Two years ago, 53-year-old Fred Ettish decided he had had enough of this shit. He wanted to get back in the cage and avenge his loss. At age 53, that would be crazy, right? Kind of, but Fred's problem was never a lack of balls. He signed to fight a kid named Kyle Fletcher in Brainerd, Minnesota. Ettish wanted revenge on an entire sport, and poor Kyle Fletcher just became the face for it.

When the bell rang, Fred kept Kyle away with front kicks. They were effective, so Kyle tried one of his own. Kyle learned an important lesson in combat: when two people are throwing front kicks, the slower one gets smashed in the dick. Fred is a sportsman and didn't intend to step on the dick of the allegorical representation of his vengeance, but I imagine it felt pretty good. In his mind, thousands of his Youtube critics had just started peeing blood. Or as they might describe it, "lol call 9/11 my dum n****r penis is pee bleding."

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Kyle came back and almost knocked Fred out with a knee, but remember what we learned from UFC 2: Fred Ettish can stay awake through 38 different types of clinical deaths. Ettish remained calm and fought off a clumsy guillotine attempt by Kyle. When the fight was back on the feet, Fred slammed Kyle into the mat and drove punches into him until he tapped. Fred Ettish didn't simply get revenge-- this 53-year-old man fucked the God of Revenge's girlfriend.

Cheick Kongo vs. Pat Barry (UFC Live on Versus: Kongo vs. Barry)The Instant Revenge

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Frenchman Cheick Kongo is an intimidating slab of dark continent. A fight fan might know him as the man who elbowed Paul Buentello in half. A non-fight fan know him as the awesome-sounding name on his wife's bucket list. If Cheick Kongo was standing behind Abraham Lincoln when he signed the Emancipation Proclamation, the South would have totally agreed.

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Unfortunately, intimidation doesn't work against Pat Barry. When he took on Crocop, the most dangerous kicker who ever lived, Pat stopped fighting to give him a hug. Pat Barry has so little concept of danger that his cause of death is probably going to be dry humping a gorilla in front of a camera phone.

In a pre-fight interview, Pat Barry laid out his strategy to negate Cheick Kongo's significant reach advantage. "As soon as we start, I'm going to throw some bombs at his head." Cheick didn't need a translator for that because thanks to the last few centuries, every French person recognizes the phrase, "I'm going to throw some bombs at his head," in at least 20 languages.Two minutes into the fight, Pat Barry executed his strategy perfectly. He stepped in and blasted an overhand right into the side of Cheick's head. Kongo went down and scrambled to escape, but every direction he tried led to a Pat Barry fist in his face. Referee Dan Miragliotta watched Pat deliver what most referees would consider to be three knockout victories. Half the punches seemed to be waking Cheick up while the rest put him back out until finally, miraculously, he wobbled to his feet. Pat, almost as a technicality by this point, moved in to punch him all the way out. Little did he know that while Cheick Kongo was rolling around on the mat wondering where the fuck he was, he was hatching an elaborate revenge plan.While he stumbled backwards on jelly legs, Cheick flung a right hook into the blurry figure trying to kill him. It made contact with something, so he threw an uppercut. Both punches hit as perfectly as any punches ever thrown and Pat Barry went limp. He was somewhere beyond human pain, moving towards a beautiful light. Meanwhile, back in the Octagon, Dan Miragliotta was letting Cheick bonk him in the head fifty or sixty times in case one of them woke him back up. It was only fair. There was so much brain damage caused in this fight that both men are now required to wear Surgeon General's warnings.

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Impact with this man will cause birth defects In adults

Wanderlei Silva vs. Rampage Jackson III (UFC 92)The Long Time Coming Revenge

The first time Wanderlei Silva and Rampage Jackson fought was in the finals of the Pride Middleweight Tournament in 2003. Wanderlei won like this:

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A year later, Quinton got a chance at revenge at Pride 28. It didn't go as planned.

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Every fighter eventually gets knocked out, yet it's something else entirely when a fighter finds himself dangling in the ropes, left for dead by a monster anthropologists can't explain. When Rampage woke up, his first thought was almost certainly "glorp, flibblip," but immediately after that, "revenge." Four years later, at UFC 92, Rampage's chance finally came.

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Rampage and Wanderlei both hit so hard that standing within 30 feet of them violates the warranty on your iPod. For that reason, they were wary to step in and trade shots. For most of the first round they circled, sneaking in single punches or leg kicks, but never unleashing the fury that inspired so many Japanese villages to feed them virgins during the harvest season. After three minutes of caution, Wanderlei landed a right hand that gave him the confidence to move in. This was exactly what Rampage had been waiting for his entire life. The left hook he threw landed so hard that the bacteria in Wanderlei's mouth died. He then started dropping punches onto Wanderlei's unconscious head to let even his dreams know: there is no place to hide from Quinton Rampage Jackson's vengeance.

Rampage vs. Wanderlei III: Rampage's Redemption:

Fedor Emelianenko vs. Tsuyoshi Kohsaka (Pride Bushido 6)The History Correcting Revenge

The 5 Greatest Revenge Matches in MMA History
For ten years, there was only one loss on Fedor Emelianenko's fighting record, and it was ridiculous. It was Fedor's fifth fight, and Tsuyoshi "TK" Kohsaka scraped his forehead open with his elbow during a missed punch. The cut was enthusiastically squirting out pints of Fedor's blood, but why should Fedor care? Face bleeding is how you communicate in Russia when the wolves are too noisy to talk over. Still, the officials stopped the fight at 0:17 and gave the win to TK. Fedor never showed any outward signs of anger, but the man who tried to clean up his blood froze solid and fell over and shattered.

Fedor vs. TK I - The Cut:

The 5 Greatest Revenge Matches in MMA History
Fedor is known for his calm, some might say terrifying, lack of emotions. He was born to destroy so he simply does, and after his "loss" to TK, Fedor dispatched 16 men without a grimace or a snarl. If he hadn't been punching their heads into comas, you would have no idea that he meant the men harm. Glorious violence was only a side effect of the talent given to him by God. But when he finally got his rematch against Tsuyoshi Kohsaka, to Hell with all that.

For the first time in his career it looked like Fedor wanted something dead. Poor Tsuyoshi Kohsaka could only look on in horror while the world's greatest fighter experienced rage for the first time and redefined the ways a human body could express it. Almost immediately, Fedor threw TK into the ground and rezoned his head for strip mining. He punched and punched and only stopped to stand up and stomp a hole into his face. The ref took this opportunity to pause the fight and let the doctors glue together the remaining scraps of Tsuyoshi's skull. After some debate on the sensibility of it, they soon restarted the fight. "Heh," said a shadowy man now standing in TK's corner with a wheat scythe.

The 5 Greatest Revenge Matches in MMA History
I want to say Fedor manhandled him, but neither fighter could be called a "man" at this point. This looked more like a tractor running over a sleeping bag filled with cranberries. Fedor had become Timecop and TK was the mistake that history had made. The fight had to be stopped several more times so the doctors could run a mop across TK's face, and watching the way Fedor controlled him, it was clear he could have ended things any time he wanted. Mercy came at the end of the first round when ringside physicians told the pulpy juice of Tsuyoshi Kohsaka that they were stopping the fight. "What?" he probably said from what was once a mouth. He was pulverized so severely that when he got to the locker room, they confiscated TK's organ donor card and told him he'd be lucky if future people could harvest him for soup.

Fedor vs. TK II - The Revenge:

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Seanbaby invented being funny on The Internet with Seanbaby.com. You can also enjoy him on Twitter.For more of his combat sports writing, see 10 Most Insane Acts of Violence in Kickboxing History, The Josh Koscheck Book of Insults, and The 10 Worst MMA Fights Ever.

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