In Mixed Martial Arts, a knockout can come in many forms, but the most spectacular are ragdoll knockouts. Ragdoll physics were invented in the 90s so serial killers could masturbate to video games. It’s a system of flopping that allows bodies to dramatically flail even after they are rendered dead by a rocket or traffic accident.
For a real life example, here is Tank Abbot’s knockout of Steve Nelmark from The Ultimate Ultimate ‘96. Before the creation of ragdoll physics, Steve’s limbs, head and torso would have all been going in similar directions. With the help of modern science, that hasn’t happened here. Let’s take a look at some others!
UFC 98 - The Talkative Ragdoll
When you grow up doing karate, you learn awesome and impossible things. Like how to cross your arms perfectly to catch incoming punches, or how to levitate out of the way of multiple nunchuck attacks. I can’t even type about the advanced stuff because I can’t trust you with it. I’m serious, my kung fu sensei once taught the heart exploding touch to someone and they died microwaving a burrito. But that guy’d been training for over two years. When non-grand masters try these techniques, they realize that Face Punch Speed beats Wax Off Speed almost every time. And it really only has to win once or twice.
Well, Lyoto Machida took all those crazy secrets of the Orient and found a way to make them work. He fights like we thought people fought before MMA existed. Rashad Evans looked like an extra in a Steven Segal movie while he spent eight minutes unable to hit him. Which might be why Rashad decided to stop letting his fists do the talking.
While utilizing his face to absorb karate, Rashad Evans drunkenly explained to Lyoto that he hits like a little bitch. Which is a pretty ironic thing to say right before a guy shuts down your entire nervous system.
Rashad Evans’s Brain: “Guard our face.”
Rashad Evans: “You… ouch… can’t hurt me!”
Rashad Evans’s Brain: “The guy barely even speaks English, stop playing mind games with his hands.”
Rashad Evans: “Ow! You hit like a bitch!”
Rashad Evans’s Brain: “Alright, fuck you. I’m not staying awake for this.”
Rashad Evans’s Legs: “Hey, we’re falling this direction!”
Rashad Evans’s Brain: “Oh, don’t you start with me too. You do what you want, but I’m going this way!”
Pride Total Elimination 2003 - The Classic Ragdoll
Mirko Cro Cop is a martial artist, part of the Croatian Parliament and a member of a special forces anti-terrorist unit. Also, after kicking 25 brave human heads into low orbit, he is personally considered Croatia’s only space program. (He is for ages 10 and up, Aqua Battlebike sold seperately.)
Mirko Cro Cop is shining example of what can happen when lunatic Eastern European gods mistake G.I. Joe cartoons as instruction manuals. Igor Vovchanchyn has a much different origin story. He was created by Cold War scientists trying to cross breed man and industrial equipment. Before the collapse of the Soviet Union, Vovchanchyn was to be used for blast mining and digging train tunnels.
They were scheduled to fight at Pride Total Elimination 2003, an event that took its name from the likely elimination of all life in a perfect one-mile impact crater around them. For 90 seconds, they circled each other, Igor’s right hand and Cro Cop’s left foot each acting out the plot to Armageddon. Only in Cro Cop’s version, Bruce Willis loses. He finished charging his super move first, and his foot dropped a meteor the size of Texas on Vovchanchyn’s neck.
UFC 70 - The Glitched Ragdoll
A Japanese reporter once asked Cro Cop how many PSI he had in his kick. What’s crazier than the question is that Cro Cop had an answer. “If it is right leg, hospital. Left leg, cemetery.” Ladies, Cro Cop is so tough that when he fucks you, you grow chest hair on your uterus, right before you explode.
Gabriel Gonzaga is an actual Australopithecus, released from an ancient frozen cave by quickly-eaten explorers. This fight was an anthropologist’s dream–could modern kickboxing techniques stand up to the savage combat instincts of early man? Well you win, Mother Nature, you bitch. It wasn’t even close. Cro Cop was manhandled, and then his own weapon was used against him: a nuclear kickblast to the head.
Cro Cop toppled all over himself, ragdolling so hard that his foot was on backwards when he landed. Croatia’s space program was now an unconscious heap of wrongly-inserted Mr. Potato Head parts. It almost didn’t make the list because if you were programming a ragdoll physics engine that made something this fucked up, you’d probably be fired.
UFC 100 - The Ragdoll Landing Zone
Going into UFC 100, Michael “The Count” Bisbing had managed to build up a full steam of douchebaggery with his pre-fight comments and dick behavior on The Ultimate Fighter reality show. The crowd was definitely not on his side.
Luckily, if this hurt Bisbing’s feelings, Henderson hit him hard enough in the second round that he got to walk through a tunnel and talk to Jesus personally about it. Dan’s right hand dropped him like a cartoon. He hit him so hard that even gravity got scared. Bisbing hung in mid-air for a moment while gravity screamed at inertia, “Did you see that shit!?” Then, after a high five, the two universal forces quit screwing around and yanked Bisbing’s limp body into the floor.
Henderson wasn’t done dominating Bisbing and gravity, though. After the man-shaped sack of bangers and mash landed, Dan flew into the air and came down on Bisbing’s head with Fistos, the forbidden punch of legend. Henderson went fully horizontal with both feet in the air like some kind of maniac skydiver. If you were the greatest warrior that ever lived, came across a sleeping enemy and had six hours to plan one ultimate punch, this is the punch you would throw.
UFC 22 - It’s Ragdollin’ Time
Brad Kohler had so many muscles that he was more thumb than man. And when he took a big step and wound up for a double splash page Thing vs. Hulk haymaker punch, everyone in the entire world saw it coming except poor Steve Judson. This punch was such a force of nature that local wildlife left the area the night before. The fact that Steve Judson woke up later, not dead, means that he will spend the rest of his life being hunted by military researchers wanting to harvest him for tank parts.
PRIDE 8 - The Air Juggle
Igor Vovchanchyn is known as a counter fighter, which means he waits for you to do something, then punches your skull until the memories of your ancestors die. Francisco Bueno knew this, so his gameplan was to run away and not do anything, ever.
It didn’t work. About 80 seconds into the first round, Igor got impatient and figured he’d just throw a couple punches to get things going. What happened next is considered the worst atrocity in history by face activists.
Both punches knock out Francisco Bueno, ending the fight. At least in a practical sense. But legally, the fight isn’t over until the referee stops it or the evil has left Igor’s fists. And as Francisco is falling lifelessly to the mat, neither of those things has happened yet.
While his unconscious body plummets, Francisco somehow picks an entirely new fight with Igor, and loses this one just as badly. Igor slams in two more punches to Francisco’s falling head with such amazing precision that it can’t be blood-drunk rage. I think he’s just politely trying to wake him up before he hits. Or maybe it’s considered good manners in the Ukraine to remove the head from a corpse after you’re done with it.
Extreme Challenge 22 - The Conscious Ragdoll
Jeremy Bullock looked like a host to several tape worms and entered his first MMA fight with a background in Tae Kwon Do. To put this into perspective, that’s like entering a bullfight with a background in semen drinking. This next fact might spoil the ending, but his opponent, Travis Fulton, came into this fight with 47 wins on his record.
Jeremy started the fight with a running everything assault. I think it was intended to be a flying kick, but in his excitement, he sort of turned it into a flailing interpretive dance over Travis Fulton’s ducking head. It was around here that Travis realized it was Christmas.
In wrestling, a pansy who lets you manhandle him is called a fish. Fighting a fish offers you unique opportunities, and Travis took full advantage. From side control, he just stood up, lifted Jeremy into the air after him and–as if he’d been dreaming about this moment forever–gave him a real-life Undertaker chokeslam.
Jeremy’s body seemed to know what was coming even before impact, and the rodent part of his brain engaged its natural defenses. He went limp on the way up, hoping the predator would mistake him for dead. Post-impact, it was a different story. While wide awake, each of Jeremy Bullock’s limbs tried to escape from his body in different directions, probably to find four different lawyers to sue the fight promoter that allowed this circus. Ike Turner has been in fairer fights than this.
PRIDE 28 - Ragdoll in a Barbed Wire Fence
I’d have to look it up to be sure, but I think this fight happened when Wanderlei was in the middle of a 255-fight winning streak, all of them via head stomp. He’s crushed the heads of so many of their people that in Japan, the emergency code for a Wanderlei Silva attack is 001. And any police that respond to a 001 are required to go in wearing a wetsuit so their bodies are easier to clean up.
The worst thing about fighting Wanderlei is that he’s only happy when he’s destroying you. And in Silva vs. Jackson (I), he was grinning so big while kneeing Rampage unconscious that his mouthpiece almost fell out. He didn’t seem as happy-go-lucky this time. A Portuguese speaker must have explained to him that Rampage was going around before the fight saying he looked like the sign language gorilla from Congo. Life imitates art, though, because he went at Jackson like an ape testing luggage. And he didn’t stop until Jackson was dangling in the ropes.
Jackson has since avenged the loss, lowering Japan’s Wanderlei Silva Advisory System to ELEVATED.
2 Hot 2 Handle 2 - The Double Ragdoll
When something rams into your brain, like your own jawbone, you’re never quite sure how it will make you fall. In this fight, when Gilbert Yvel landed a flash knockout on Carlos Barreto, he flopped into the splits. Apparently, when Carlos gets hit in the face, his body is taken over by the ghost of James Brown. Hold on, I’m getting a call from Jackie Chan about optioning that last sentence for a screenplay.
I’m back, and Chris Kattan is now attached to the project. Where was I? Oh yeah, Carlos woke up from the splits just in time to see the referee stopping the fight. He and his corner were pissed, screaming at the referee to let the fight go on. I guess he’s using the famous “Spontaneously doing the splits was part of my defense” defense.
The referee refuses to restart the fight just because the knocked out guy woke back up. Carlos insists with a shove. Well, this referee is through being pushed around and intimidated by bullies. Starting tomorrow. He restarts the fight.
Gilbert Yvel has a history of punching referees, and yet here, where it’s actually justified, he behaves himself and patiently waits for the brand new second fight to start. Then he ends it four billionths of a second later with a bicycle kick to the face. During this second knockout, ragdoll physics weren’t as kind to Carlos. Apparently, when he gets bicycle-kneed to the face, his body is taken over by the ghost of C3PO after he’s dismantled by space pigs. Hold on, Jackie Chan wants to know if we can change that one to be a sexy female ad executive, a baby and President Abraham Lincoln. Shit, this sounds like it’s going to be a long phone call.
See you next week!
This entry was posted on Thursday, July 30th, 2009 at 4:21 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 27th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/10-mixed-martial-arts-knockouts-that-displayed-rag-doll-physics/ [...]
September 14th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
OK, watching the Fulton-Bullock video gave me a greater appreciation for the poor guys whose job it is to take chokeslams for a living in pro wrestling. Granted, the Undertaker usually is trying to NOT smash you into pieces in reality, what with the whole he’s-my-coworker thing. The only thing Fulton lacked was a hand on the throat.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
The funniest article related to MMA ever, unless you count the GSP vs Heiron Super Punch Out video but even then it is a toss up.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:59 am
[...] least this didnt happen to you. The Top 10 Ragdoll Physics Moments in Mixed Martial Arts | Cracked.com…. __________________ hey lois, diareah! heheheheheheh [...]
August 27th, 2009 at 6:09 am
OMG.. I knew Jeremy Bullock when we were younger. He was always such a douche… Super intense. He once challenged me to break his arm claiming I wouldn’t be fast enough. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that he’d make the journey into MMA to get absolutely annihilated…
August 20th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Some of the most outright absurdly hilarious hyperboles I’ve read in a long time. You have a fucking knack for this.
August 20th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I still can’t believe that Cro-cop was able to stand up after his leg twisted up under him like that. I was sure they would have to carry him out of the ring.
August 19th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
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August 18th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
oh man the Travis Fulton vs. Jeremy Bullock fight was just so awesome. everything leading up to it is golden. jeremy doing his warm up kicks acting like he’s bad ass. oh god you can only see it coming that something bad is going to happen to him haha
August 5th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
hey seanbaby, you missed my favourite man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH8t-okjT38
August 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
The Top 10 Ragdoll Physics Moments in Mixed Martial Arts | Cracked.com…
In MMA, a knockout can come in many forms, but the most spectacular are ragdoll knockouts. Ragdoll physics were invented in the 90s so serial killers could masturbate to video games. It’s a system of flopping that allows bodies to dramatically flail e…
August 5th, 2009 at 12:43 am
I happened to read the three unrelated comments on here >_> And I gotta say I’d like each personality of that one person (Cause yes it’s one person… just look how similarly each post is… really now come on) to take on these MMA fighters or even go through the gruesome training they do. Well on that note I say that was a crazy article and a crazy ass group of fights… but man a couple of them had me rolling. Great job!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Seanbaby does it again! Awesome article!
August 4th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Thanks a lot for articles like this Seanbaby, thanks a lot.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:30 am
My all time favorite isn’t on this list. The fight was a rather new guy at the time (can’t remember his name” against Mark Coleman. After 3 grueling rounds new guy faked a low kick. As Coleman went dow for the block the guy pulled back and as Coleman’s head was moving forward, he planted a stiff kich right to Coleman’s mouth. Mark’s eyes rolled back in his head and he didn’t so much fall down as he sort of just dissolved into a heap of man jello.
PS. All trolls need to die!
August 4th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Filiberto:
You mean like the jackass right below me, de, who has yet another MillionaireCupid dating site link in his comment?
August 4th, 2009 at 5:24 am
I think it’s just because I don’t watch/appreciate MMA, but I didn’t find this article very funny. I can see where it might be funny if you watch it, but I much prefer it when Seanbaby writes about video games.
August 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I love when Seanbaby writes about MMA, the people trolling the comments are funny too.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
All the matches I watched on the sites provided involved just what I love to see happening in anything I ever watch, participate in, or nearly die from:
Fragging, Smashing, Breaking, Bashing, Thrashing, and a couple good ol’ body slams and full contact takedowns.
I. Love. This. Shit.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:28 pm
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August 3rd, 2009 at 6:39 am
I’m gonna go out on a limb (see what I did there?) and say that DocIron, JoeNobody and hiskippy are probably the same person.
Jeez, it’s like someone’s threatening them to read these articles or their mom gets raped or something.
August 2nd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Pretty boring article, wasn’t funny beyond the first item in the list.
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Wow, congratulations. You showed your absolute obsession with a so called sport. Good job. Maybe next time you can write about your UFC masturbation habits. That will be fun.
Jesus…it’s like reading the blog of a 14 year old child. Oh…I guess that’s what I’m reading. Super. Wow….I’m going to slit my wrists now. Fuck this drivel and fuck all you morons who find this entertaining.
August 2nd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
[...] 10 “Ragdoll” Moments in MMA [...]
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:20 am
Mr SeanBaby,
Please write like this forever.
– MrJM
August 2nd, 2009 at 12:13 am
Remember kids, this is what you get when you underpay randoms to write articles. But hey dilution worked the last time I drank acid, why not try it again. Hey man, hate is great, unfunny aint money, wait, debate, stagnate, expirate.
I got out side today, and helped my brother, the work sucked, but it made the angry humor feel warrented, why should I try to live? I have nothing left to give. Tomorrow, then, I’ll grow… tomorrow
August 1st, 2009 at 9:50 pm
[...] The Top 10 rag doll physics moments of MMA. (Cracked.com) [...]
August 1st, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I cried often while reading this. Great work!
August 1st, 2009 at 8:20 pm
i dont care what they say about your hair, your a badass writer!!
August 1st, 2009 at 3:44 pm
[...] (Courtesy of the boys at Cracked.) [...]
August 1st, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Honorable mention: Aleks Emilanenko v. Ricardo Morais
August 1st, 2009 at 11:18 am
That second Yvel Knockout was amazing…I’ve never seen a body fall like that.
August 1st, 2009 at 6:58 am
Poor Jeremy Bullock.
Travis Fulton was obviously lumbering around on 2 bad knees, someone should have yelled “Sweep the leg, Johnny!!”
August 1st, 2009 at 4:00 am
[...] The Top 10 rag doll physics moments of MMA. (Cracked.com) [...]
August 1st, 2009 at 2:18 am
this sports writer wins
August 1st, 2009 at 2:06 am
[...] The Top 10 Ragdoll Physics Moments in Mixed Martial Arts [...]
July 31st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
The descriptions of the knockouts were so great that the actual videos didn’t live up to them. Well done.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Seanbaby, you write some of the best metaphors i’ve ever read.
i laughed a lot.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:01 pm
[...] The Top 10 rag doll physics moments of MMA. (Cracked.com) [...]
July 31st, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I laughed until I fell out of my chair, perfect. Whoever set up the Travis Fulton vs. Jeremy Bullock fight ought to be charged with a crime.
July 31st, 2009 at 2:54 pm
[...] Top 10 Ragdoll Physics Moments in MMA This is freakin’ hilarious. The Top 10 Ragdoll Physics Moments in Mixed Martial Arts | Cracked.com [...]
July 31st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I’ve read articles on here where I get a little chuckle out of it, but never so far as to full out laugh.
Ok, you’ve done it seanbaby.
I just roared like Godzilla in a 1970’s japanese horror flick.
Thanks man, I needed that.
July 31st, 2009 at 11:28 am
People who complain about this article just because it’s an MMA article when the site isn’t MMA-based, are idiots. Is Cracked a game website? No, but we still love the game-based articles. Is Cracked a website about being psychopathic? No? Then how has DOB still got a job?
Just because you’re afraid that even the mention of men grabbing other men is going to make you gay (as if that’s a bad thing), doesn’t mean you should be so against this article. It’s proper comedy, and I really want to see more of this.
July 31st, 2009 at 8:15 am
croatia is in southern europe. please don’t put us together with latvia, poland and ukraine. we are much more screwed up than they are.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:24 am
I love these fucking UFC rundowns!
July 31st, 2009 at 5:55 am
For #6 it is Michael Bisping, not Michael Bisbing. He got what was coming to him.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:19 am
UFC stuff is pretty boring. in general fighting tv shows are pretty boring.
but seanbaby is pretty funny.
and lol at what dore says
http://www.cracked.com/blog/10-mixed-martial-arts-knockouts-that-displayed-rag-doll-physics/#comment-101717
July 31st, 2009 at 4:43 am
@ Jiminy Kracker
Get your own material, just because u found out how to Ctrl C; work u read off the net and claim it as your own, doesnt mean u have to flail ur fingers wildly while pressing these two buttons and ending with a stupid ripoff that everyone knows about on youtube after u press Ctrl P. You make me sick!
Thankyou ;]
PS Seanbaby u rock!
July 31st, 2009 at 4:38 am
Bradbury is a prime example of ‘Fucked by Nature, examples of commentary failure’.
You wrote so many damn comments cause u just want attention, you poor little bucket of douche water, why come on here and read something that u dont even like then comment about it, get a life and get a job u fucking lowlife of society. Stop eating ur fucking hotpockets and get out of ur mothers basement (or as u like to call it your Command Centre). You make me sick and u dont even deserve the eyes u have in your head!
Thankyou ;]
July 31st, 2009 at 4:18 am
so this that crakd site everyone keeps talking about on youtube. i can see the similarities in humour between seanbabies and mine, but it looks like its all just a big coincidense
July 31st, 2009 at 4:17 am
That is fucking scary. Remind me to never piss one of these guys off.
July 31st, 2009 at 4:15 am
Someone posted this after your last MMA article, but I think it defines ragdoll, choking your oppenent in an inverted triangle after getting caught in a fireman lift: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bpr9lPqcMDM
Never lift a hispanic man above your head.
July 31st, 2009 at 4:12 am
Bradbury is a shit.
Now I feel much better
Seanbaby articles are so great Im reading them slow so they will last longer
July 31st, 2009 at 3:01 am
[...] don’t watch any MMA, but articles like this one make me wish that I [...]
July 31st, 2009 at 3:00 am
It’s like, Gonzaga was a hungry baby and Cro Cop was a bag of animal crackers, and half of them ended up on the floor.
July 31st, 2009 at 2:09 am
Oh hey there Bradbury, you’re looking to me kind of like a mix of Detective Hypocrisy and The Secret Rival.
Wow, it’s amazing how accurate Seanbaby’s depiction of angry internet commenters are.
July 31st, 2009 at 1:52 am
@Bradbury
lolumad
July 31st, 2009 at 1:16 am
@Bradbury
You make interesting points, but you fail to remember: you’re a little bitch.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Oh sorry bradbury! My mom forced me to write that hateful comment because she proof reads everything i post. see i have to sleep in her bed every night and she makes me do things… please accept my apologies, i’m really your biggest fan and cried very much because of my moms misbehaviour.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
@VengeVega: I was caught off-guard: Came here (yeah, lol, etc) to see comedy. I don’t normally visit any shitty spectator sports comments pages and didn’t intend to this time. As for multiple coments: Maybe some people are simply very chickenshit and fake usernames because of their cowardism, hmmm? But I will demonstrate soon.
@Dore: Hey Dore, how would you know, what Seanbaby trains unless you are.. oh never mind. And, hey, “Dore”, how would you know what a wanker is unless you just typed left handed?
Seanbaby, why do you have to use so many aliases in the comments to defend your boring sports geekdom?
July 30th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Do they call it ‘Pride’ because it’s all a bit gay?
July 30th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
much better than your last post which was to say the least unfunny and stupid as shit.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
I love the comments on the Henderson fight! When I started the article I kept thinking “please Talk shit about Bisbing, please talk shit about Bisbing”
July 30th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Good list, funny stuff.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I never cared for MMA but after watching Henderson knock the hell out of Bisbing I was in love, probably one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen in my life
July 30th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Awesome list. I laughed out out in my college library….thrice. Mainly because of how terrifying Silva is and why Japan is on guard.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Wow … you actually wrote something I liked. I’m impressed. I usually hate your stuff, which is why I stopped reading most of them. I’m glad I took he time to read this one though. I just wish every fight listed had a link to a video.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Not a terrible list, but Fedor Emelianenko knocking Andre Arlovski out mid flying knee should have made this list.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Mr. Miyagi
Seanbaby TRAINS in Muay Thai, dumbass. He was probably just saying “bicycle kick” for everyone who doesn’t know the terminology. Learn to research, wanker.
YourMom
Hey, I don’t need to say anything. Your name says it all, actually. As in what Sean did last night. Twice. Once in the ass.
Bradbury
Someone who can get their ass kicked by a toddler doesn’t need to be talking shit. How did you even know it was S/M related unless you partak….oh, never mind, you sick puppy.
Contagium
Yeah, you like MMA. Most guys who can’t even crunch their joystick-clawed hands into a fist like MMA, simply because they can vicariously think they’re tough, if only for a moment.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
“Mirko Cro Cop is shining example of what can happen when lunatic Eastern European gods mistake G.I. Joe cartoons as instruction manuals.”
I started laughing at this sentence and could not stop until the end of the article. Goddamn hilarious.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
O haven’t lol’d like that in a long time, thank you seanbaby
July 30th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I agree with Aaron, you should be a commentator. You know what we watch this shit for.
July 30th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
rofl, awesome idea Clixx. That douchebag needs to be put in his place!
July 30th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
[...] doesn’t have you screaming “You got knocked the — out!”, then here’s Top 10 Ragdoll Physics Moments in MMA to quench your knockout [...]
July 30th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
SEANBABY FOR DANA WHITE REPLACEMENT!
July 30th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I’ve never watch MMA or any sort of Wrestling sport, but man you made me want to.
A Japanese reporter once asked Cro Cop how many PSI he had in his kick. What’s crazier than the question is that Cro Cop had an answer. “If it is right leg, hospital. Left leg, cemetery.”
I don’t understand, but it was funny as hell. I really need to find a way to work that into a conversation.
July 30th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
“Lil edit, you said top 10 and theres only 9, no biggy!”
Actually i think Tank Abbot is the number 10. Or he counted Gilbert Yvel vs. Carlos Barreto as number 2 and number 1…?
July 30th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Hey, fuckin’ umm, yeah bro I mean this shit is dope and all, but what about my exploits with smoking weed?
July 30th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
on #1 the fight was finished with a Muay Thai Flying Knee not a bicycle kick. Learn to martial art Cracked.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Ungeheuer- I just saw the lone comment your talking about. That shit is funny. That guy must be in the closet and forgot to close the door. lol
July 30th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Seanbaby + MMA = win. You need to be a UFC commentator with Rogan, I would shit my pants laughing.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
love these articles! gotta get more ones about MMA!
July 30th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
bradbury,
Why read an MMA article if you think MMA is gay? And why are you posting multiple comments? We’re not watching for the “half naked sweaty male bodies.” We watch for the face smashing. Maybe if you didn’t cum so quickly, you would notice that part of the fight. Obviously you think the article is FAIL. Speaking of gay, saying FAIL is gay. Go make some model airplanes asshole.
July 30th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I would avidly read a website that was just Seanbaby talking about MMA fights.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
lay off the drugs when your writing. they are NOT helping…
July 30th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
“If you were the greatest warrior that ever lived, came across a sleeping enemy and had six hours to plan one ultimate punch, this is the punch you would throw.”
Amen.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Bisbing’s head with Fistos, the forbidden punch of legend
i beleive it is called the super awesome punch the most topesterest punch of all
July 30th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Hey Sean this article was fucking funny. You’re fucking hilarious bro. I swear to fucking God I think you and Joe Rogan should fucking do an event together and fucking shit and tits and bitches. FUCK. You’re fucking awesome. Hold on Gary Shaw is on the other line, he asking me if I can help him get qualified for EDD. Sorry Gary, you fucked up go back to boxing fatass.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Hey Sean Baby man! You forgot Guy Mezger vs. Chuck Liddell at Pride Fighting Championships or Guy Mezger vs. Wanderlei Silva also at a Pride Championship PPV. I hate the Lion’s Den and Ken Shamrock! Fuck you Ken Shamrock! Frank Shamrock! Go buy a walker and retire ya old man. Jake Shields was right about you! Your stability ball workouts won’t replace good old fashioned Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu you DICK!
July 30th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Seanbaby, I gotta say…. I never understand any of your articles.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
That was too funny and some of those KO’s were painful to watch…but i was still laughing.
MMA’s not really my thing, so can those guys really beat the shit out of a guy who’s laying unconscious on the ground? How is that allowed? and how has no one been killed???
July 30th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
The lone comment on the Wanderlei vs Rampage vid is priceless. For 16 months, Marty Walker’s astronomically awkward words have gone ignored.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Worst cracked.com article I have ever read. FAIL.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
p.p.s. lets all be openly bisexual. then some guys won’t need some boring testosteron-filled sports as an excuse to watch half naked sweaty male bodies. and TV would be MUCH more interesting. As would dating.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Mixed martial arts is easily the best thing that’s happened to sports since female gymnasts first donned spandex leotards.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Seanbaby needs to do an article on that “JiminyKracker” fag on youtube that constantly steals content from the articles in his youtube comments.
He needs to be taken down a peg.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
classic seanbaby. difficult to read at work without having my slackery found out.
July 30th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Haha some classic moments here, and nice to see henderson’s legendary punch made it on the list!
July 30th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
p.s. my mouth is currently ‘open’. cocks please!
July 30th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
[...] Another Seanbaby MMA article. The Top 10 Ragdoll Physics Moments in Mixed Martial Arts | Cracked.com [...]
July 30th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
one of the funniest things i have ever read,laughed my ass silly readin the descriptions! *wipes away the tears*
nice one Seanbaby,keep it comin!
July 30th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I’m always impressed when a MMA fight doesn’t consist of two guys hugging on the ground
July 30th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
One good hit to the head (as shown) results in lazy eye which can and will scare…: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=32&sku=E-CD00268 So be careful out there.
July 30th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
oookay…. an article about some gay SM couples filming themselves falling down aka MMA? and it’s supposed to be cool and/or funny because it’s written in gamers lingo? sorry, you lost me there. i surf here to read comedy, not sports annotations. i’m very tempted to say FAIL here.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Seanbaby, you’re awesome. I don’t give a shit about MMA, but these articles always make me laugh my ass off. Nice work, as always.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Great article. Fucking hilarious
July 30th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Now that I have seena chokeslam utilized ina real fight, I can die happy.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:30 am
tim boetsch (spelling) vs david heath should be on this list without a doubt
July 30th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I never really liked MMA articles and I was trudging through this one, but it was still the best I’ve ever read of this genre and the parts I could get through were terrific. It’s a big case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:15 am
[...] I didn’t know Seanbaby wrote for Cracked. Here’s his article on the Top 10 ragdoll physics moments in MMA, which is a gamer way of saying “These guys fell over funny after getting knocked out.” [...]
July 30th, 2009 at 10:48 am
This is the ticket! That was a sweet-ass article. More like this SB!
July 30th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Brad Kohler vs. Renato Sobral. Mega ragdoll from a soccer kick to the dome!
July 30th, 2009 at 10:34 am
wanderlei…smash…rampage…face.
wanderlei…good gorilla.
another winner from seanbaby,
July 30th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Seanbaby you are the truth! I haven’t laughed this hard since ‘The Top 8 ‘Oh Shit!’ Moments from Mixed Martial Arts’.
The line I loved the most…
‘Bisbing hung in mid-air for a moment while gravity screamed at inertia, “Did you see that shit!?”‘
Keep ‘em coming.
July 30th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I think I just peed a little.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Contagium, you’re the sort of person who has to post stuff to get attention. Maybe some constructive criticism?
I cried with laughter at this. Good work mate.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I am upset that Gary Goodridge vs. Paul Herarra was not included ….man those elbows were the destroyer of worlds.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Two moments in number one, my friend. Seanbaby delivers. Seanbaby always delivers.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:44 am
The descriptions here had me choking on laughter, especially Fistos and Brad Kohler’s punch. Keep up the genius work, Seanbaby!
July 30th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Another great article, I knew it would be after the top 8 oh shit moments, Lil edit, you said top 10 and theres only 9, no biggy!
July 30th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Oh Seanbaby, you’ve done it again!
I think the pictures are the goodest part.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Good selection, but I missed the Matt Hamill Vs Mark Munoz fight from UFC 96. (http://mixedmartialartvideos.com/matt-hamill-vs-mark-munoz-video-ufc-96/)
What with Mark Munoz getting the UFC record for longest time knocked the fuck out and having to leave the octagon on a stretcher…
Just sayin…
July 30th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I cant beleive this wasnt included… this should have been right up there!
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x85269_fedor-emelianenko-vs-andre-arlovski_sport
July 30th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Backpack full of C3PO besy description ever. Didnt look so bad at first but when you see the flying knee make contact you know why he collapsed.
July 30th, 2009 at 8:16 am
This is more like it. I can’t believe you disabled anonymous comments on the article that bitched about retarded commenters. I could have contributed…
July 30th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I wish Seanbaby would stick to writing about video games and stop this MMA crap. It’s boring.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Great article, but you should embed the vids.
Pity about that dipshit youtube lad who kept stealing your lines though. I think its that redjimmy guy below
July 30th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Very good read!…..although I can’t leave without saying you misspelled “Bisping”!!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:48 am
I haven’t laughed this hard at an internet article in a long time.
Great work once again.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:43 am
I think it may be the other way around redjimmy!
MMA is quality! Weirdly tho, there has never been a serious injury or death in MMA…
I spent a day with Bisping and Dan Hardy. Bisping was an alright guy if a little excitable and Hardy was a really nice guy! They were doing some live radio interviews from our studio.
We had a good laugh!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Holy hell this article had me in tears, every fight had at least one awesome quote, the Wanderlei Silva was by far the best though.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Awesome. Lmao.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:32 am
Good stuff, but it looks like seanbaby got some of his one-liners from the YT comments section?
July 30th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Very good!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:24 am
haha never mind after further reading this dude is stealing jokes for all the you tube videos.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:15 am
for the Cop guy one
July 30th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Lol, one of the youtube commentors stole your joke word for word and passed it off as his own.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:04 am
You have a gift for describing pain. You should be an MMA announcer!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:04 am
I spent a day with Michael Bisping once. He’s a pretty decent guy, tbh!
July 30th, 2009 at 6:59 am
great article, but you couldn’t just embed/link the videos?
July 30th, 2009 at 6:53 am
sweet. thanks seanbaby
July 30th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Love it, I often enjoy a nice loud gut laugh at your articles.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:43 am
I literally have tears in my eyes from reading this, and now my coworkers are looking at me funny. Seanbaby, you are the Final Boss of the Internet.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:41 am
Too many great quotes in this article. Seanbaby is my new hero.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:40 am
I learned a very important lesson today. Do not smoke a cigarette while reading anything by Seanbaby.
Bursting into uncontrollable laughter in the middle of a drag is way too painful.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:39 am
both of the cro cop ones were good, but my favorite was when henderson knocked that muthafucka out, i was so excited when he hit him that 2nd time i almost bust a nut on myself.
and that last one, i bet he wish he took that first ko instead of the 2nd one cuz he got knocked the fuck out!
July 30th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Ha! I loved the similes throughout this - my favorite may have been “like an ape testing luggage”! Great article!
July 30th, 2009 at 6:27 am
First Contagium you’re gay!
Secondly, that shit was hilarious!!!
July 30th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Awesome article!!! My favorite is no. 6… i really wanted hendo to shut bisping up.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Shit, I don’t even watch MMA and I was laughing
July 30th, 2009 at 6:20 am
Really weak article, and I like MMA fighting. Boooooring.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:17 am
I appreciate what you do, Seanbaby, but I don’t find any of it entertaining.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Great! Loved this one. I particularly enjoyed Travis Fulton go all dead man on that weedy guy