How could she possibly have collected my semen? She's a very powerful woman. Connections everywhere. I'm not disputing that, but there's the simple logistics of it. I'm not that indiscriminate about where my semen ends up. What are you, bragging? You think you're too good for this advice column? Mr. I've-Got-A-Pretty-Good-Idea-Where-All-My-Spooge-Is? Discriminate ejaculation is just one of many reasons I feel better than you, yes. Fine. We'll make it look like this was a chloroform and a windowless van type situation. If anyone asks, you can claim you remember waking up on a curb, reeking of chemicals and feeling groggy and used. Because criminals are always going around in vans, drugging victims, jacking them off, and dumping them on the curb. Look, I don't know what kind of sheltered life you've led so far, but you're out there on the bleeding edge now, dung-router. Besides, you're also going to put a document on her computer describing this plan in detail. Then at the bottom, write "Done! 09/13/11, HM." That seems a bit flimsy. You'll also have to plant some evidence that makes it look like Helen Mirren has a windowless van. Maybe run out to a bookstore and get a couple books on van maintenance, and then leave them around the house. I just checked Amazon. I can't believe there are actually several books on "van maintenance." Make sure to get a used copy, and when it arrives maybe get a small amount of your semen on that as well. Oh shit! Someone's coming! Is it you? That's great; congratulations I guess. But we've done that pun once now. Fuck you! No, someone's just opened the front door! Hide! Thanks Doctor Professor. Where are you hidden? I'm in the back of her closet. So I guess she wasn't in London. No it seems she was in town after all. And it's a bit late to apologize now. Why? On account of all the semen you got everywhere. I didn't get any semen anywhere! You missed your chance then. I told you, you've got to trust these advice guides implicitly, and move quickly. I had to move quickly!? To do what? Get semen everywhere!? Quickly and firmly, with kind of a back and forth motion, yes. I'm screwed! What the hell am I going to do now? Unfortunately you've reached the limit of this advice column's scope, namely, how to get out of accidentally stalking someone. You have now actually stalked someone, and should instead consult our guide on How To Look Less Pretty For Your First Day In Prison. ____________________
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