It might come as some surprise to you to find out that all of us Cracked writers and staffers have satellite dishes in our backyards, which we use to monitor comedy events observed by our armada of orbiting comedy satellites. However, unlike the rest of the Cracked staff, I’m a bit of an amateur radio astronomer. Consequently, my dish is actually a 10-foot little number which I also use for surveying the heavens, constantly scanning the sky for fart jokes in the aether.
One of 24 Cracked Comedy Satellites in a constellation of high inclination orbits.
This past week, while examining a section of sky near Gemini for scraps of an anecdote about an alien farmer’s daughter, I came across an anomalous signal. Fairly quickly I determined it to be human in origin and, as it was unencrypted, I was able to reassemble its meaning without too much difficulty. (Before I became a columnist I was actually part of Cracked’s SIGINT division.)
The signal I was receiving was a journal, sent by the lone occupant of a space vehicle on its way to Mars. This vehicle was secretly launched by NASA in March of this year under the guise a mission to place a “space telescope” into “orbit.” Composed of individual journal entries, transcripts of communications with mission control and wild, unstructured rants, this compilation told the story of a man who, in his own words, “had gotten royally screwed, right in the mouth.”
So, as a service to all the conspiracy theorists and amateur radio astronomers who make Cracked.com their first stop every morning, I present a lightly edited version of this journal to you below.
___
Journal Entry: March 7, 2009
Ugh. I will never get used to that. Being launched into space SUCKS. It feels like being the turkey in a sandwich, except the bread is a family of fat people. Heh, that’s a good one. I’m going to let the guys in control know about that one, so they can add it to the list.
Journal Entry: March 7, 2009 Addendum
OK, apparently they’re not adding any more sandwich ones to the big launch metaphor list. Fuck those douches.
Journal Entry: March 8, 2009
Post launch rest period concluded. Time to get down to work. The purpose of this mission is to conduct a trial run of the systems in a habitat module intended for a potential Mars mission. So strictly speaking my only real job here is to stay alive. I think I can manage that.
Whoops! Almost died there. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Just kidding diary.
Seriously though, I’ve got a whole checklist of things to do here, so I’d better get started.
Day 1:
Item 1: Use Toilet
Item 2: Disassemble Toilet
Huh.
Popular astronaut.
Journal Entry: March 14, 2009
Apparently I’m not alone up here. In another compartment in the module is a monkey. He’s got this little machine that provides food and water, and he’s hooked up to medical monitoring equipment. But what the heck is he doing up here? He wasn’t mentioned in my mission briefing. Which was actually kind of rushed now that I think about it. I guess it makes sense. Looking at my checklist, it looks like I’ll be working on his toilet quite a bit later on.
Journal Entry: March 16, 2009
The food here is terrible. The larder is fully stocked, but with really inappropriate food. It’s got nothing but soup in here. And not astronaut soup. Cans of Chunky. It’s like someone raided a Costco for a fucking space mission. How am I supposed to eat this? Is this someone’s idea of a joke? It’s been a week and this place is already covered in brown smears. All that toilet maintenance can’t be helping.
Journal Entry: March 20, 2009
I should be able to see Earth out of one of these windows, right? I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed that until now. When I checked in with control, they said it was normal. Apparently I’m in a highly elliptical orbit. They called it a Bigh-Bie orbit. Never heard of it before. Named after its inventors presumably. I could have sworn I heard them snickering when they said that though.
Journal Entry: March 28, 2009
OK, this is bullshit. Every other task on my checklist involves using the toilet and then immediately taking it apart. Shit is literally getting out of control. Diary, do you know what comes out of an astronaut who eats nothing but soup? Or a monkey at any time, in any situation? This whole place is disgusting.
___
TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL – 0815hr 04/16/2009
MC: Hi, Tim? This is Mission Director Mike Atkinson here. Have you been communicating with control on this frequency? Because the people on this line are not Mission Control. Do you know a Ron Berton or Aaron Grimhorst?
HM A-1B: Yeah, I know those two guys.
MC: Yeah, OK. Look, I don’t know what those guys told you, but this is supposed to be an unmanned mission. I don’t even know how you got in there. This is a real situation.
HM A-1B: You’re telling me, Mike. I have been cleaning up my own shit for two weeks now. Also, what do you mean by unmanned mission?
MC: Well it looks like these guys played a bit of a prank on you, there. This was an unmanned mission - well, a one monkey mission - and Aaron and Rob somehow snuck you on board. I’m not exactly sure how – this actually represents a pretty fundamental failure of several hundred different protocols. We’re actually kind of lucky you’re still alive. But, if you’ve got air, water and food, I guess you can hang out a bit longer. In the meantime we’re going to have to see how this affects the mission. You sit tight, OK?
HM A-1B: Can do Mike. I’ve got another toilet check coming up on my checklist anyways.
MC: Uh, yeah. Yes. Stick to the checklist. We may get back to you on that as well.
___
TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON - MISSION CONTROL – 1942hr 04/16/2009
MC: Hi, Tim. First thing I want you to know is that we’re going to be disciplining Aaron and Rob. What they did was not cool. I want you to be sure that this kind of behavior will no longer be tolerated. Right now HR is redrafting our Tolerance and Harassment Policy to make this kind of thing explicitly prohibited.
HM A-1B: That’s good.
MC: Furthermore, Aaron and Rob will both be speaking with a counselor, and this incident will go on their permanent records. I can’t really go into the details, but between you and me I’d be surprised if either of them gets much more than a two percent raise this year, Tim.
HM A-1B: I am glad to hear that. What about the rest of the timeline? I’m still scheduled for reentry maneuvers on Thursday?
MC: Yes. No. About that. You are actually traveling towards Mars at a very high speed.
HM A-1B: I see.
MC: We’ve had the boys running the numbers here to map out a way to get you back to Earth, and it turns out the answer is pretty simple.
HM A-1B: Oh good.
MC: I said simple. Not good. You are not coming back to Earth. It’s just completely physically impossible. The guys tell me we could send you to Jupiter. Do you want to see Jupiter? I’ve heard it’s pretty big. You’ll, uh, almost certainly starve to death before then, but you know. An option.
HM A-1B: …
MC: You still there Tim?
Jupiter is prettybig.
HM A-1B: Forgive me if I seem a little dazed by this. How? Why exactly am I going to Mars?
MC: Well, contrary to whatever these guys told you, this mission was primarily intended to test the shielding systems on board the habitat to see how well they protect the craft’s occupants from solar radiation. That’s why the monkey’s there.
HM A-1B: I’ve been calling him Buzz.
MC: That is certainly your right. Anyways, the reason there’s been all this secrecy around the mission is because we needed to do live testing on this shielding, but didn’t want to make it public we were using an animals. In fact, if you could check yourself for cancer real quick, that’d be super handy for us. Much more ethical.
HM A-1B: -Finally cracking up- I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this. I’m going to die? I can’t believe this. Oh God! My wife! She’ll be devastated.
MC: Ahh, well I’ve got good news there, Mike. She’s been cheating on you for the last eight months. With Rob actually. Hey guys, knock it off. Seriously. That’s inappropriate. They just high-fived here, Tim. I’ll talk to them about that. Anyways, hang tight. We’re not completely out of ideas yet. And I’ve got good news! That checklist you’ve been working on, uh, your duties? You can stop that now. That was part of the prank. We’re going to upload Spider Solitaire to you right now, OK buddy? That should keep you busy. And we’ve got a dozen guys working on getting you Freecell. Great things are a foot!
-Editor’s note: What followed next was 43 pages of extremely bitter commentary about a woman named Helen, and many faults she purportedly possessed. In the author’s mind she appears to be some sort of mythical beast of legend, sort of like a Hydra. The most concise definition in the extract is “a frigid ice bitch with 80 bitchy heads bitching all the Goddamned Time ABOUT BULLSHIT.” This section has been removed in the interests of taste and narrative flow. -
___
TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL – 1114hr 04/27/2009
MC: Hi, Tim. Regarding your transmission, we passed it on to Helen, but I don’t believe she read it. I did though. Jesus man, that was some pretty nasty stuff. I mean, I know you’re in a bad place, but seriously, that was a real dick move.
______
Journal Entry: May 28, 2009
They asked me to leave the monkey alone, because he was “important.” But screw them. Me and Buzz are death row buddies. We are going to have a ton of whimsical adventures while we wait to die, just like that terrible Tom Hanks movie.
Anyways I let him out of his module this morning, and showed him around the main hab. I think I’ll try and teach him some games next.
Journal Entry: June 5, 2009
Buzz is super smart, but he seems to be having a lot more difficulty in the zero gravity than myself. Maybe it’s because he’s so small, but he keeps getting stuck halfway between walls, flailing around and screeching like mad. I had been helping him when he got stuck, but this morning I left him like that, trying to coach him to rescue himself. That turned out to be a mistake. I don’t know what they taught that monkey, but it would appear he has a very good grasp on Newtonian mechanics and their application with respect to poo flinging. And I had just gotten this place clean again.
Journal Entry: August 17, 2009
Fuck that monkey. I don’t know how he did it, but he got into my locker and took all my pants and wouldn’t give them back. Then when I tried to catch them, he ripped them to shreds. This is bad news. It’s kind of chilly up here, in fucking space.
For now I’m wearing my extra shirt as pants. This is bullshit. It’s like eighth grade gym all over again.
Unpopular astronaut.
______
TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL – 1114hr 09/23/2009
HM A-1B: Hi, Mike? I think I lost Buzz.
MC: How’s that?
HM A-1B: I put him back in his room last night, and when I returned this morning, he wasn’t there. Actually his whole room wasn’t there.
MC: Yes, that’s normal. That part of the module has detached.
HM A-1B: Detached? Where’s it going?
MC: Once around Mars, then back to Earth. There’s a wealth of scientific information stored in that monkey, Tim. He should have just enough food to make it home.
HM A-1B: But not me.
MC: Yes. Tim, I’m going to be level with you. You’ve just kind of annoyed a lot of people around here over the years, and on the balance of things, no one here appears to be that sad to see you go. The monkey’s great. Everyone loves that little bastard. You should have seen him at the launch party.
HM A-1B: You like the monkey more than you like me.
MC: Dude. Dude. I don’t know what it is man. You tell such terrible jokes. And you always laugh at them. Have you ever noticed that? How when you tell a joke, you’re the only one laughing, and everyone’s standing there uncomfortably, like you’re a guy in a funeral procession and your penis just fell out of your pants? And you’ve got that horrible voice and face. Also a lot of the girls say you make them feel uncomfortable. And that denim jacket.
HM A-1B: That’s a pretty comprehensive list.
MC: We’ve actually got a white board in the conference room here that’s been filling up pretty quick.
HM A-1B: I see.
MC: See that’s another one! You always say shit like “I see,” like you’re some kind of smug, morally superior robot. Hey Karen? Can you add “smug, morally superior robot” to the board?
____
TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL – 0954hr 09/27/2009
MC: Tim, this is Mike here again. We’ve been going over the figures, and we think we’ve found a plan you’ll be pretty happy with.
HM A-1B: Go ahead.
MC: Basically, we’d like to slam you into Mars while traveling several kilometers per second, and see what happens.
HM A-1B: …
MC: You still there Tim?
HM A-1B: Fuck you, Mike.
MC: I know that sounds bad, but think it through. Because your other options include starving to death or freezing to death. Plus, this way you’ll be the first person to set foot on Mars.
MC-2: He’ll also be the first person to set knee, arm, shoulder and face on Mars, in extremely rapid succession.
MC: Ron this is a private channel, but excellent point. Yes. So five separate records! Tim, I will look into seeing if we can get all those for you.
_____
TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL – 1114hr 09/30/2009
MC: Hi, Tim. The Guinness World Record people got back to me, and they said they’ll only give you the foot thing. They also said they’re probably going to have to put an asterisk beside it on account of, well, you know.
___
Editor’s note: At this point, the communication stream devolves into the word FUCK printed a little over twenty-seven hundred times, and then just the letter F repeated endlessly, as if someone had set something down on a keyboard.
__
This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 13th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Mars, Monkeys, NASA. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 18th, 2009 at 7:08 am
I hate to sound like an idiot, but I don’t get that last editors note thing with the “ffffffffffff.” If someone could explain that to me, I’d appreciate it.
It was 3 days later. He’s typing ‘fuck’ over and over instead of yelling it (ha ha) because he’s about to hit Mars.
The ‘fffffffff…..’ is presumably the ‘f’ sticking when the spacecraft hit the planet.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
I hate to sound like an idiot, but I don’t get that last editors note thing with the “ffffffffffff.” If someone could explain that to me, I’d appreciate it.
November 10th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Hahahahaha.
That was fucking horrible.
I love it.
November 10th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Hey at least he gets to see space and get a guinness world (space) record right?
He should have eaten the monkey while he had the chance though…
November 6th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Awesome, quite simply.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
haha
no comment
no comment
add me on myspace who ever reads –> http://www.myspace.com/ninja_makeout
-Ninja Makeout-
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
There should be more references to David Bowie. By “more references” I mean in every single fucking article…
October 29th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
You called it…
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33539909/ns/technology_and_science-science/
October 28th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
I just hope he truly deserved it lol
October 28th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Dude! for some reason I feel like this guy is truly stuck in Mars! This is pretty weird in that I feel like it is real, but funny because its not a bad prank to pull on someone you hate at all! LoL
October 28th, 2009 at 5:06 am
wow im amazed so many positive comments…i thought this was very retarded.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
that’s probably the greatest post ever. win.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:24 am
OOhhh… so at the end it went Fffffffffffffffffffffff…
SO the UFO saved him? AWSOME!
Now he is having fun in planets and ships around the galaxy.
Man, oh man! what a win! wish I was him!
October 26th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
oh god, that was amazing. lucky Buzz…
October 26th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY! Oh jesus, im light headed, and my right arm is numb.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Sucks to be him.
That prank sucks balls.
October 21st, 2009 at 12:57 am
Funny stuff.
October 20th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Bucholz really shines when he include conversation in his articles. Be it conversation on a BBS, through the phone or man to man.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:10 am
What i like about Bucholz’s writing is his light hearted approach to humour, as opposed to the more smarmy, perenially sarcastic tone of writers such as Cody. I mean its good not to have so much negativity you know?
October 19th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Lucky your funny, its the only way you can get away with writting long stuff. Nah this was excellant, good job.
October 18th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Epic
LOL funniest thing ever
October 17th, 2009 at 4:06 am
ahahaahah good stuff
:D
October 16th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Great one, Bucholz! But I feel sad for the guy…
oh maybe not, because he earned his record!
October 16th, 2009 at 7:46 am
XD “It was an pratical joke!” would be a nice comment from the jokers
October 16th, 2009 at 12:36 am
HAHA! I laughed the whole way through
October 15th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
That was super funny, yo.
Really great article! You are now on my favorite columnists lists… whatever the fuck THAT means!
October 15th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
The sequel should be he gets “Fantastic Four - like” superpowers and comes back to shower radiation-filled revenge on those who sent him into space. And then Helen wants him back so he fucks her and never calls her again. Why? Because he’s an elastic, fire churning, invisible rock-man with a monkey head attached to his shoulder, that’s why.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Dudes, I don’t think there can be a sequel.
Didn’t he die?
‘as if someone had set something down on the keyboard.’
I thought that meant like, his face. As in, like, he died.
And if that’s not the case, he’ll be slammed into Mars.
I don’t think he’d live through that.
Hilarious. I loved that part about Helen.
October 15th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Why the hell can’t I mention one of the Cracked writers on a different Cracked writer’s article?
What an utterly bizarre thing to complain about.
As for assuming I’ve had writing denied, and that’s why I don’t like Cody, that’s hilariously awesome, since I’ve never even written anything for Cracked (or any other website) let alone submitted it.
Cody just isn’t funny. Not every article on Cracked is funny, but for the most part the regular writers do a pretty good job. There’s always going to be hit and miss. However, I have found Cody to be, thus far, shit. Just really, really shit. I would prefer it if someone who was actually good at being funny were given his place instead.
If you didn’t want to hear my bitching, I apologise that you read this out loud like an idiot.
October 15th, 2009 at 11:35 am
ah haaaaaa… bucholz is my favorite
October 15th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Brilliant! Ah do a sequel
October 15th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Can we have a sequel where the dude is asexual and forms the first human colony on mars?
October 14th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
hahahaha aw man that was funny
October 14th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
awesome
October 14th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I was expecting near the end that the whole thing was some immoral and elaborate practical joke and Tim hadn’t even left Earth the whole time. Still good nonetheless.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
hahaha! Bucholz is the best motherfucker on here.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Joe-
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
NEVER put down Bucholz. I hope you get hit by a car on your way to work today, goddammit.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Wow thanks for wasting a huge amount of my time, I will never visit this website again.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I’d like to share a very interesting place with you __Tallconnect.com __. It brings you gorgeous girls and big tall men together. After checking it,I saw a lot of celebrities there,including many Hollywood stars. It’s a great website to date a beautiful woman or handsome guy there.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I don’t understand why it;s so funny to most of you guys. When I first read Cracked it was hilarious, now I don’t find it that funy except for an occasional laugh which barely lasts(1 second). Btw Cody’s work is different i don’t mind it, and what’s so bad about having some variety instead of having someone conform to the usual stuff.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:36 am
ROTFL dude thats the funniest thign I think I have ever seen!
RT
http://www.true-privacy.net.tc
October 14th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Not bad. I need more pics, though!
October 14th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Finally something hilarious on cracked again!
You guys should really(!) reconsider that “topics” thing.
Most topics are funny as an armpit.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Tooo good
lol would have loved a few more pages though.
October 14th, 2009 at 2:58 am
This is the begining of a new space opera for the 21st century. Fucking Superb!
October 14th, 2009 at 2:38 am
I like you
October 14th, 2009 at 1:25 am
Why doesn’t cracked make a regular web show with DOB, Swaim, Bucholz, Gladstone, Brockway, Seanbaby… okay every columnist besides “Hit and Miss” Cody. IT WOULD BE AWESOME!
( I’m sorry Cody. You’ll figure out what we like eventually…)
October 14th, 2009 at 1:05 am
That was excellent. Best article I’ve seen in a while.
October 14th, 2009 at 12:36 am
I really don’t get the buzz over this article. It wasn’t funny and it certainly didn’t resemble monty python humor as an earlier commenter suggested. They are witty and extremely intelligent, this is just simple and mindless. I guess this article sums up the American sense of humor.
October 13th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
technology weighs a lot in the world
McAlister Jersey;
McAlister Jersey;
Baltimore Ravens Jerseys;
Reed Jersey;
Ray Lewis Jersey;
October 13th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
amazing. had me crying at the end it was so funny
October 13th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Hahahaha! That was great!
October 13th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
fucking awesome. That bastard had it coming
October 13th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
tl;dr
October 13th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
see this is funny cody take some notes
October 13th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
hahahahaha awesome just pure freaking gold =D
October 13th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
hahah, that was epic, the only way it could have been better is if it was cody getting pranked. it seriously feels like that guy is intentionaly shit just so that we will be united in our hatred.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
THAT WAS PURE AWESOME!
October 13th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
That was hilarious. I wish i could write like you.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
I freaking love this article.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
@zombies!
Everything has its place in the world around us.
If you didn’t have pure monkey shit, you couldn’t have monkeys. And then where would we be in terms of hilarious monkey jokes?
Circle of life, man. Circle of life.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
@Cohibaman
So, in other words, Cody is pure monkey shit?
October 13th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
I like how they saved the monkey without telling Tim. XD
October 13th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Love this part:
“So strictly speaking my only real job here is to stay alive. I think I can manage that.
Whoops! Almost died there. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Just kidding diary.”
October 13th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
That was epic. Keep up the great work!
October 13th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Hmm? Where are all of the people who usually say “FAKE!” ?
October 13th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
BRILLIANT!
October 13th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I loved the Space Oddity reference!
October 13th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Oh, I love this guy… thought I was gonna die laughing so hard…and I do that almost everytime I read something of his. Keep it up, good sir.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I forgot to add that although the article was pantscrappingly hilarious, the Major Tom reference really made my day.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I’m NOT pleased.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
This was ridiculously awesome
October 13th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
This was just depressing.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
This is the most brilliant piece of brilliance you’ve written yet, Bucholz. Not only is it hilarious in a dry, Monty-Pythonesque fashion, it’s a darn good story as well. Kudos!
October 13th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
@MontyB
I can’t speak for AyteeSics. All I can say is that Cody’s stuff resonates with some of us and doesn’t resonate with others. It’s just… different.
Certain types of humor resonate with broader groups of people. Cody’s isn’t necessarily one of those types. When I say that, I definitely don’t mean to imply that it goes over people’s heads or anything of that sort. It just resonates differently.
For those of us with whom it resonates, it’s pretty funny stuff and we’d like to keep seeing it here on Cracked. For those with whom it doesn’t… well, it just doesn’t fit your type of humor. I can see how people with great senses of humor might not enjoy Cody’s stuff. It’s just different.
No amount of explanation in the world is going to magically make it funny if it’s not your brand of humor. Maybe it’s a bit more “fringe-y” in nature. That’s a thing, right?
October 13th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Gotta say, that was super funny, although i sorta feel bad for the guy on the ship. VERY good tho
October 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
As always, great article. Loved it.
And I AyteeSics, to each his own, but what particularly od you like about Cody’s work? I figure there must be something about him so make it as one of the columnists but I just can’t seem to read his articles without losing interest. I’m not trying ti dis him or anything, like I said he must have something to have made it there, I just don’t get it I guess.
October 13th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
It was kinda sad and brutal
They send him to die a horrible and lonely death alone in space and they would prefer to save the monkey instead of him
Also hilarious
October 13th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I love sci fi stuff!
This would be the best sci fi movie EVER
October 13th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Imagining Ben Affleck as Tim just made it that much more hilarious. Well played, sir.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
penis
October 13th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
I’m not exactly sure when, but somewhere between the Furry party and this, Bucholz went from well fuck, what else am i going to read” to being my favorite columnist. Well done, sir.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
i don’t like the fact that ron seems to change to rob and then back to ron again.
but the “checklist” is a wonderful idea… pretty funny.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
There is talk (already) of putting this Actor up in a shuttle mission because of his role of Captain America. They may use some of the footage in the movie. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ SWEET deal for him!
October 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am
HAHA! That’s Great! Very Funny.
Sellbits.com - “The Simple Way To Sell”
October 13th, 2009 at 11:28 am
This is even funnier than the Daffy Duck cartoon where Daffy endured relentless and unavoidable suffering and humiliation at the hands of sadists who publicly murdered him for laughs after stealing everything that made his life worth living.
October 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Thank you for the laughs!
October 13th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Sooooooooooooooo fucking funny.
I love how the writing flows and eventually forms one of the shittiest experiances you could go through, ever.
Awesome stuff Bucholz
October 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Wow… people here are brutal. nice article by the way
October 13th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Yay SIGINT! I’m in that field myself, fun stuff, annoying as hell to do in a thunderstorm. Great story, like your stuff.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
The ending could have been better but this had me rolling.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:33 am
@Tarta even if it gives them cancer.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Awesome article. Good work.
October 13th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Hahaha, nice work here Mr. B.
Although I do prefer my science fiction in novel form, an ocassional short story isn’t bad either.
This was such a one. Thumbs up.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:40 am
@Jack, yes i somehow here this with Caboose as the guy in the rockey (RvB)
October 13th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Great article. Thanks for putting in a little work and NOT sucking.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Really, PimpinLando, I’m with AyteeSics. If you don’t like Cody, that’s cool. A lot of us do like the guy. But there’s no need to mention him in other people’s threads. I mean, isn’t that counterproductive? You’re just advertising him!
If you don’t like him, ignore him. No one wants to hear your bitching.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Fuckin’ monkeys…
October 13th, 2009 at 9:12 am
You guys have been pulling out some pretty amazing articles, lately. I don’t know what slipped into your coffee but, unless it gives you cancer, keep on drinking it.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:25 am
This is a brilliant idea, a story about a man alone in outerspace. Forced to live alone for years…. Hm… Probably already been done.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:21 am
I could identify with the main character… esp making women uncomfortable
October 13th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Dude, the “…I’m going to be level with you. You’ve just kind of annoyed a lot of people around here… ” absolutely killed me. Bravo
October 13th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Haha, thank you Pimpin’ Lando, its always great to know one of my new favorite Cracked contributors pisses you off enough to get you commenting about it on an unrelated article. The fact it bothers you so much makes me happy to be me. I bet you lose sleep at night over it, don’t you? Maybe you look at your list of denied writings and you cry a little as well. Oh well. This was a very funny article, but even though it was completely obvious near the beginning, there was no reason to give it away in the title.
October 13th, 2009 at 8:05 am
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October 13th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Haha, this was a pretty good and entretaining read.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Loved it, friggin genius loled hard all the way through
October 13th, 2009 at 7:51 am
See, now that was funny. Cody should read this, over and over again, until he goes blind. Perhaps then he’d understand how to write comedically.
Or, you know, he could just fuck off and die.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Oh, this would definitely make for a great audio broadcast.
The only problem I might see with that is that Bucholz is Canadian and thus American is not his first language. It’s amazing that he writes as well as he does but I worry that his thick Canadian accent would make the audio a bit hard to follow.
That tends to be a problem among Canadians.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Hah, this is my favourite of all your articles. Great to see a break from formula, too. Let this be an inspiration!
October 13th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Awesome article. I always get a real sense of narrative and characterisation from everything Captain Canada writes, he’s really damn good.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:21 am
LOL Awesome
October 13th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Absolutely hilarious. I would also love to hear this in audio form.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:15 am
That was brilliant, thank you
October 13th, 2009 at 6:50 am
This was a really good read, just when the Cracked formula was starting to bore me you manage to break out something a bit original. Thanks very much.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Really, really awesome. Hilarious!
October 13th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Great as always, Mr. Bucholz.
One question, however. I’m a little confused… you mentioned having a satellite. Is that even possible? I mean, do Canadians even HAVE “Outer Space”?
October 13th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Out-fucking-standing. I agree with the previous posters that this would have made hysterical audio.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:30 am
rofl poor guy, i thought the entire thing was a prank to him….but fuck no……..they want him dead O,o
October 13th, 2009 at 6:25 am
This was just great, you know what would make it better though? If you did an audio version…
October 13th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Original. I like.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:17 am
tl;dr Seriously, that was boring as hell…
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October 13th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Simply great.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:01 am
That was fucking AWESOME. I want to see a movie based on that, only with Rickey Gervais voicing Mike.
October 13th, 2009 at 5:58 am
One of my favourite Cracked articles, great job man
October 13th, 2009 at 5:55 am
That was brilliant.
Seriously, almost as good as the True Life-Story of a Ken Doll.
I think you might now be my favourite columnist.
Take that Brockway!
October 13th, 2009 at 5:42 am
*Nice*
October 13th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Fantastic article
October 13th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Godspeed Tim… godspeed.
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October 13th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Oh Bucholz, you are the highlight of my comedic week.
October 13th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Easily the best article on cracked in a long time
October 13th, 2009 at 5:02 am
holy shit that was cruel. funny tho XD
October 13th, 2009 at 5:01 am
That was amazing. Not gonna lie.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:55 am
HM A-1B: I’ve been calling him Buzz.
MC: That is certainly your right.
That had part me cracking up.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:54 am
This is epic
October 13th, 2009 at 4:44 am
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHA I LITERALLY DIED FROM THIS!!! AWESOME!!!!!
October 13th, 2009 at 4:39 am
FIRST
October 13th, 2009 at 4:38 am
I would of had monkey sex endlessly if that was me - but then again I am deeply perverted.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:33 am
Haha, this was brilliant. I like the ones not filled completely with retarded characters.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:30 am
I used to hate you, Bucholz. Now I think you’re just mediocre. Good work.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:29 am
haha brilliant.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Ahahahahahhahahahahha
October 13th, 2009 at 4:24 am
What a bunch of assholes! Also hilarious!