Nicolas Cage Investment Advice: Be In Movies, Buy Everything
Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage! I'm an Oscar winning actor (!!!) and the star of all your favorite movies! I'm here to give you all the investment advice you'll need to become famous! Now let's begin!
But before we can begin, let's cover some basic definitions first:
Asset
An Asset is something you own that's worth something, like money or hair.
Liability
A Liability is something you own that is not worth something, like your family or joy.
Income
Income is money that comes to you, like flies to a magnet, or honey to a vacuum cleaner.
Expenditure
Expenditures are when money goes away from you, like squirrels do when you try to pet them.
Now let's begin again!
The most important part of the Nicolas Cage Investing System is to remember the Three B's. If it helps, I recommend memorizing the following phrase: "Always remember the Three B's."
The Three B's1: Buy everything
2: Be in movies
3: you are capaBle of anything.
Let's go into each B in more detail.
Buy everything
Because Assets are things you own that are worth something, if you don't own them they're not assets! It's simple logic even a child could understand. That's why everywhere I go, I buy everything I see! I buy horses and cars and sunshine! Nicolas Cage pro-tip: But don't buy people! That's a "Nicolas Cage No-No."
Be in movies
Movies are a great way to earn money. For every movie I make, I earn more money than two bakers. I highly recommend being in movies.
you are capaBle of anything
Believe in yourself, and you'll always succeed at believing in yourself!
Me, believing in myself.
_________
When I walk the Earth helping strangers with their investments, I hear a lot of people repeating the same common misconceptions about money and investing. This is my chance to set the record straight!
Misconception 1: Investing is hard
Not true! Investing is easy! It's just that not investing is also easy. Easier in fact. So comparatively, you may have a point.
Misconception 2: Only rich people invest
Again, not so! Everyone can invest! Rich people often make more money investing than everyone else, but money isn't everything! Many people invest because it helps them meet people or become more active!
Misconception 3: The stock market is dangerous
I don't know what that is.
Misconception 4: It's OK to delay planning for retirement
Do you have a job? Every evening you stop working and go home, right? That's retirement! It's already here, every day! And longer on the weekends! You need to start planning now!
Misconception 5: Investing is about earning money quickly
Many investments make no money at all!
Misconception 6: I don't need to diversify
Diversifying is very important. But if you remember your Three B's and "Buy everything you see" you'll find you're automatically diversified! That's the power of my system.
Misconception 7: Try and invest on your own
Investing on your own is easy, but it's easier to get someone else to do it for you. Find a man who knows about money. They usually wear gray suits. They used to wear those green visors, but stopped doing that.
Misconception 8: Pay yourself first
Every time you earn money, give some of it to yourself! You earned it!
__________
Q: What do you know about investing?- H. Jervis, Cincinnati, OHA: My entire family has been involved in show business for decades, and I've been starring in movies since the age of 18. I would have to say that my favorite director to work with was Ridley Scott. Thanks for your question!
Me and my good friend Ellen DeGeneres. I often help her with her investments.Q: What was it like sleeping with Patricia Arquette? She was pretty hot back in the day. B. Kipson, Los Angeles, CA
A: It was all right!Q: What are the benefits of a Roth IRA versus a traditional 401k? Also, what was it like sleeping with Patricia Arquette again? L. Menkinson, Indianapolis, IN
A: Contributions to a Roth IRA are not tax deductible, but most withdrawals will be untaxed. Whether a Roth IRA or traditional IRA is right for you will depend on the marginal tax brackets you're in while contributing and at retirement. And Patricia was wild! Great times!
___________
So this was written before he lost all his money, wow.
ReplyGoddam it, ign has this shopping spam BS also now here gr8 whats next google?
ReplyWhat the f**k is this b***h babbling about?
Facking hilarious! old article too, glad i eventually stumbled across it :)
ReplyIs it weird that a lot of that actually made sense to me?
ReplyGoddamit, Bucholz! I had forgotten about this fantastic article! Ah, what the hell, I guess I can have four favorite Cracked columnists after all.
ReplyI LOVE THIS:
ReplyNicolas Cage pro-tip: But don’t buy people! That’s a “Nicolas Cage No-No.”
best part of the article :]
I like Your Website theme and would like to know where to download it.Thank.
ReplyHi, great article, and thanks for taking the time and effort. One thing, I believe your images are missing? Or is it my browser?
ReplyWow, just found my new favorite blog right here. Really well written post, bookmarked you for future reference.
ReplyIs there any way to invest in Patricia Arquette ?? to me the 3 bs are big booty b......
Replybig booty b***hes I got big booty b***hes *eeee*
Brilliant! I feel completely vindicated in my loathing of this mans acting method, or should I say over acting method!
ReplyThis said, some sound financial advice!
@naomi
ReplyNope. I did too.
Am I the only one who read the entire thing with Nicholas Cage's smug-ass voice in mind? good times.
Replylol. patricia arquette in Tarantino "True Romance." gooooood times, delectable boobies. recommend that movie doubleplusgood.
Reply@kisslover, this is sooooo the wrong website to find a sugardaddy!
ReplyNo not the b's!
ReplyIt is nothing new in the text, it is allways happening somtimes you are lucky somtimes not, however never give up allways look at the bright sight of live and trie your best
ReplyI've been interested in taxes for lengthier then I care to acknowledge, both on the individual side (all my employed life story!!) and from a legal stand since satisfying the bar and following tax law. I've put up a lot of advice and corrected a lot of wrongs, and I must say that what you've put up makes utter sense. Please persist in the good work - the more individuals know the better they'll be equipped to handle with the tax man, and that's what it's all about.
ReplyThis is, perhaps, one of the greatest things I've ever read.
ReplyWhat if there are something money can't buy? so we can't buy everything.
Reply