The Return of Jean-Claude Van Damme: Dark, Meaningful, Splits!
Sylvester Stallone is making an action movie called The Expendables. It stars himself, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke and Danny Trejo as mercenaries in South America. Hold on, my spell checker just told me that the last sentence should actually be spelled, "Impossible eyeball orgasm." The Expendables is almost terrifying since it's exactly what the human race would put on its bucket list if you told it that it had six months to live. Stallone asked Jean-Claude Van Damme to be a part of The Expendables, but he passed. Not only because that would implode the awesometinuum but because JCVD wanted to know details about his character and Stallone kept telling him about the big money they would make. Well, Jean-Claude is done being a naked-bunned karate puppet for big money. He wants dark and meaningful roles that stretch his acting ability. Besides, Van Damme is going to have his first pro fight next month against a gold-medalist Thai boxer. What's he going to spend big money on? A sportscoffin? So rather than joining Hollywood's Greatest Cast Ever Assembled, Jean-Claude made the fourth sequel to a movie about zombie super soldiers that ignores the first, second and third sequels and is set in the ruins of Chernobyl which are filled with UFC fighters and kidnapped children and