The Return of Jean-Claude Van Damme: Dark, Meaningful, Splits!
Sylvester Stallone is making an action movie called The Expendables. It stars himself, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Mickey Rourke and Danny Trejo as mercenaries in South America. Hold on, my spell checker just told me that the last sentence should actually be spelled, "Impossible eyeball orgasm." The Expendables is almost terrifying since it's exactly what the human race would put on its bucket list if you told it that it had six months to live. Stallone asked Jean-Claude Van Damme to be a part of The Expendables, but he passed. Not only because that would implode the awesometinuum but because JCVD wanted to know details about his character and Stallone kept telling him about the big money they would make. Well, Jean-Claude is done being a naked-bunned karate puppet for big money. He wants dark and meaningful roles that stretch his acting ability. Besides, Van Damme is going to have his first pro fight next month against a gold-medalist Thai boxer. What's he going to spend big money on? A sportscoffin? So rather than joining Hollywood's Greatest Cast Ever Assembled, Jean-Claude made the fourth sequel to a movie about zombie super soldiers that ignores the first, second and third sequels and is set in the ruins of Chernobyl which are filled with UFC fighters and kidnapped children and set to fucking explode. That's the plot to Universal Soldier: Regeneration, and it's even better than it sounds. It's not Van Damme's first or even 15th attempt at a gritty reboot, but it's the first one that has generated a great action movie instead of a love letter to clinical depression.
The Gritty Reboot of the JCVD Rating System
For years I've been using a JCVD movie rating system based around four main criteria: sassy female reporter, buns, a second Jean-Claude Van Damme and the splits. It's measured on a Splits scale that goes from 0 percent Splits for "No" to 100 percent Splits for "Yes." However, since Van Damme has become a grim and serious actor, this system doesn't work. That's why I've developed a modern JCVD rating system that uses four new criteria: moody soul searching, kickfighting, gunfighting and a lack of value of human life. This new system is measured by the length of Jean-Claude's grim and unfakeable 1000-yard stare. His eyes have eaten things that would make yours puke.
The survival rate for characters in this movie is so low that people still die when you have it paused. There are no periods in the script because every sentence gets finished with a knife in the neck or an exploded chest. There was so much fake blood on the set that they had to film it from canoes. The board game Travel Operation has more respect for human life than