The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect

It Is I, The Mastermind Behind The War On Christmas

You've probably heard of the War on Christmas: the effort to stop the creation of and the consumption of Christmas cheer in the United States. But have you ever wondered who would wage such a war? Who would gather intelligence, muster political will, mobilize assets, and execute a war against a holiday that is primarily about buying stuff and being nice to people? You fools! Accept a warm "Happy Holidays" from me, the mastermind behind the War on Christmas.

What Does It Mean To Wage A War On Christmas?


Waging a war on Christmas isn't a piece of non-denominational holiday baked good. It's a huge undertaking. We are attempting, for some reason, to stop the free exchange of Christmas-related goodwill, merriment, and joy in a nation of 300 million people. Think about the logistical complexity of our central mission: discouraging people from saying "Merry Christmas" to one another in public spaces. Over 80 percent of Christmas cheer is exchanged in person, which means it can't be monitored by signals intelligence such as phone tapping or cheersignature imaging from our satellites. But recruiting human sources has proven equally difficult because nobody gives a shit if someone says "Merry Christmas" to them.

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect
Though to be fair, the numbers on pre-1950s candy cane stabbings are spotty at best.

Even if they don't celebrate Christmas, people tend to just think to themselves "Oh, that person was trying to be nice to me" and then go on to one of the more pressing problems in their lives -- like whether there is a left sock and a right sock or if they're both the same. That limits our informants to insane people (who don't supply actionable intelligence) and people who are just looking for excuses to complain about anything. That latter group is a double-edged sword because for every one of them we take on, we need to hire four people to our complaints department. It's a real drain on our resources.

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect
Colleges won't let us list this as a legal internship anymore.

So How Do You Do It?

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect

I'm not going to lie, it isn't easy. War is hell. And the War on Christmas is the candy-striped Ninth Circle. Think about the difficulty in one of our most successful operations: getting fourth graders suspended from school for wishing their teachers a "Merry Christmas." I don't just mean the scrubbing of such stories from any credible news source , that's the easy part.

I mean infiltrating thousands of schools across the country with teachers who are actually sleeper agents: ready to make children cry and have yet another fight with a bunch of parents in an already strained and troubled public school system all to stop the utterance of a single, seemingly innocuous phrase.

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The whole two weeks off during the heart of our battle season doesn't help.

After years posing as just another public school teacher -- underpaid and criminally overworked, harassed, mocked, doing their best to deliver painstakingly thought-out lesson plans to checked-out students who'd rather be at home playing video games, sitting through mind-numbing hours of parent-teacher conferences with uninvolved guardians who blame the teachers for their students' poor performance even though it probably has more to do with genetics than anyone is comfortable admitting -- they eventually get to serve the cause by sending a single student home for saying "Merry Christmas." Those are the heroes of this war and they are buried with full honors: The completely religion-free winter anthem, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year," is played on a bugle and a giant Coexist bumper sticker is presented to their next of kin.

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect
And don't even think about bringing a wreath to the ceremony.

Who Else Is Involved?

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect

Our reach is as long as our workplace sensitivity training video: very long. For example, it would be impossible to wage the War on Christmas without the help of nearly every retailer in the United States. And let me tell you, recruiting their help wasn't easy. Retailers aren't big on fighting wars in general, much less a war against a holiday that 90 percent of the country celebrates and that spurs huge spikes in sales every year.

Morale is lower than these low, low prices on all name brands from now until December 24th.

Getting them to join our unholy war required some enhanced diversification techniques: we had to kidnap the kids of every CEO from Abercrombie to Walmart. Did you think they were encouraging their employees to say "Happy Holidays" it because it makes them look inclusive and caring to their customers? To give the company more leeway to sell sweatshop jammies embroidered with "good will toward men?" Don't be naive! It's their loved ones being held by a remarkably diverse and multicultural paramilitary unit.

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect
Our war isn't governed by that Geneva Conventions bullshit.

Beyond that, I can't tell you much more about our methods without risking operational security. Suffice it to say they involve a lot of graphic design for new Starbucks cups, thinking up increasingly bland things to call the Christmas trees in town squares and finding schools that are doing Christmas toy drives and launching them into space.

Why do you do it?


Why would we spend millions on the necessary surveillance equipment, billions on training operatives and dozens on automated mustache twirlers to free up our hands? The party line has always been religious tolerance and inclusiveness but when is the last time religious tolerance motivated someone to launch a massive black-ops campaign? You saps! The real reason is as old as the ancient pagan winter holidays we should show equal respect: money.

Yes, the War on Christmas is very real and it is being funded by the incredibly lucrative industry of slightly inconveniencing people. You see, every time we come up with a new politically correct holiday salutation, it creates a cascade of faith-neutral economic activity: new signs must be designed, new email signatures written and new greeting cards printed. And guess who's in the pocket of big graphic design, big electron and big sign? You complete fucking idiots! It is I!

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect
Both of these sleeves were Christmas sweaters until we took over big stock photo too.

While you're out there bemoaning PC culture like suckers, we're making literally thousands of dollars off printing ecards and an extra 10 minutes of employee training. Thousands! Of course we don't care that we're chipping away at traditional values that hold society together; that today it's a new holiday phrase and tomorrow your kids will be wearing nipple clamps to a freegan Buddhist orgy set to rap music. We're laughing all the way to the multinational, inclusive bank.

If you don't like it, you can write about it from the gulag where we keep the people who dare to say "Merry Christmas" while on duty at a Walgreens.

Will it ever end?

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect

Much like drugs and terror, Christmas is absolutely a thing that can be defeated and makes sense to wage a war against. That's why I and my soldiers of militant inclusivity will keep donning our Christmas camouflage (just like regular camouflage but with an angel on top) waging a crusade against the Christmas spirit. We will not rest until we have ruined Christmas for everyone by forcing them to consider the feelings of others slightly different from themselves.

The War On Xmas Is Real: And I'm Its Architect
"This is bullshit!"

The War on Christmas is not just people saying "Happy Holidays" in an effort to be considerate at a time when they are constantly reminded of the value of being nice to one another. It is a secret campaign to make money and destroy Christian values using awkward, bland phrasing as its primary weapon. We will not rest until "Merry Christmas" is replaced by "Happy Holidays" so as not to offend non-Christians, "Happy Holidays" is replaced by "It is a season" so as not to offend depressed people or the seasons of spring-through-autumn and finally "It is a season" is replaced by a wordless telepathic transmission of greeting so as not to offend aliens who do not perceive time as linear. When will we be done? Hold on, I think you dropped your jester's cap you absolute and complete medieval court fools!

Once "Nonspecific Deity Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" tops the charts,
Not a Christmas carol in sight,
I'll cry "Comprehensive holiday wishes to all,
And to all an unobjectionable night!"

Aaron Kheifets is a curmudgeon about most things but thinks It's A Wonderful Life is legitimately a wonderful movie. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter.

For more check out 9 Ads That Should Have Started An Acutal War On Christmas and How 8 Stores Are Fighting The War On Christmas.

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