Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Christmas ads are easy: Lots of red and green, chuck in a Santa, sprinkle about some elves, maybe slop on some family values, and boom -- you just sold a vacuum cleaner or something. It's pretty hard to screw up advertising for a holiday specifically focused on buying crap. Hard, but not impossible. Here's another round of the most fucked-up holiday ads from the past.

9
History's First Bicycle-Themed Serial Killer

Shwinn
"Red, just like you wanted!"
"Yes ... everything red ... soon ..."

Look at that kid's eyes. He is absolutely planning to murder you with his shiny new Schwinn. It doesn't matter that bikes are made of smooth metal and squishy rubber and luxurious pleather -- he will find a way to butcher you with it, probably after practicing on no less than five neighborhood pets. And check out that drawn-out "O-OH-H." Not only is he getting his first Schwinn, he's also experiencing his first orgasm. The first ones are so easy, aren't they? But soon you get jaded, and the only way you can get your rocks off is by watching a prostitute choke to death on a bicycle bell, her death rattle accompanied by plaintive ringing.

8
Guns For Children

J. Stevens Arms & Tool Co.
"You'll shoot your life out!"

We can't emphasize enough that this 1906 ad is for real guns. Not cork guns or BB guns -- actual, "hunt your own food and shoot a man down in cold blood" guns. And this one is being placed beside a sleeping child by a visibly conniving Santa, as if he's preparing the kid for some Christmas morning Hunger Games in which only the sole survivor gets the stocking.

Oh, hey, we just found that kid's opponent:

J. Stevens Arms & Tool Co.
"Screw ham; this year we're having commie."

Continue Reading Below

7
Santa's Into Upskirts (And Downshirts)

Mojud
"Now these are stockings I'd stuff all year round."

Apparently, back on Christmas of 1951, the only thing on Santa's wish list was an upskirt show from a stiletto-heeled blonde who is most assuredly not Mrs. Claus. And while he's not exactly stuffing cash into her g-string, there is clearly a gift-based transaction taking place for her services.

But Santa's not just into upskirts ...

Mojud
"Funny, I got you snow globes too."

He's also not above ogling some cleavage. Santa knows when you've been naughty, and he knows when you've been nice ... but he vastly prefers naughty, ladies.

6
Santa Touches Kids In Their Underwear

Underoos
He knows when you've been bad or good, but he doesn't know
about bad touch and good touch?

Hey, you know what's not easy? Making ads about kids in their underwear. You might think that Underoos, a brand whose entire raison d'etre was to, you know, make underwear for kids, would be better at it than most, but no. No, they were not. Maybe that's why they started marketing to adults. As proof we submit this 1981 ad, in which Underoos made the baffling decision to hire a sinister, hungry-eyed Santa and then fill his lap with underwear-clad children.

Underoos
Sadly, not the first time a young Spider-Man has dealt with a white-haired creeper.

Continue Reading Below

5
He Sees You When You're Sleeping (And Then He Shows Everyone Else)

The Century Co.
You thought your uncle's Christmas vacation slideshow was disturbing.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He also films you when you're sleeping. Then he shows everybody in a seedy, poorly lit theater. We really wish we could see those people's hands ...

Wait, no! We take that back.

4
Did "Disco" Used To Be Slang For "Blowjob"?

51 West
Either way, someone is dancing under dangling balls tonight.

Dear Santa,

Please, for the love of God, do not "disco" with this girl. In the wise words of Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap. The cover of the 1979 album Non-Stop Christmas Disco is clearly part of some FBI sting operation to lure sex offenders, a group which we are in no way accusing you of belonging to, despite what previous entries may have explicitly implied.

Yours Truly,
Cracked

P.S. We accept gratitude in the form of cash and/or flamethrowers.

Continue Reading Below

3
Having A Rough Day? Support Your Testicles

The Allen A Company
Tighty-whities are apparently too plain for Santa's tastes.

Oh, grow up, everybody knows that "fag" here isn't referring to any sort of sexual inclination. This 1930s ad is talking about the "Four O'clock Fag," the tired feeling that one tends to get as the afternoon wears on. Back before things like coffee, energy drinks, and crystal meth were invented, the go-to cure for this was apparently ... ball support? We're not really following the logic. No, what's truly disturbing here is lurking in the background ...

The Allen A Company

2
Welcome To The Drunken Ghost Mixer

Kinsey
"Hey, this whiskey tastes funny."
"That's because those 'ice cubes' are my holiday PCP. Buckle up."

Easily the best part of any Christmas gathering is when you sit down with your buddy for a nice toast with Kinsey Whiskey and fucking drunken ghosts show up to party.

Also, does that guy have a framed photo of himself on the table? Your holiday parties may be painfully awkward, but at least they're not whiskey-fueled ghost keggers with unrepentant narcissists.

Continue Reading Below

1
Get Your Partner A Dead-Eyed Clone

Neiman Marcus
"There is a zero percent chance all four of us live to see 1973."

No, you're not seeing double. The couple above has shared with one another "the most personal possible present" you could ever give: a dead-eyed, uncanny valley clone of yourself that will almost assuredly come to life and smother you in your sleep.

According to the description, the doll is "programmed to laugh as long as you like at your jokes, or say yes in any language you choose." So, basically, it's the perfect stand-in for events too mentally agonizing to attend yourself, such as your average family holiday dinner.

Please excuse us. We need to go find out if Creepy Dead-Eyed Doll Clones, LLC is still in business.

Diana McCallum has more inappropriate Christmas humor, but with superheroes, on her website, Texts From Superheroes.

Turns out unrelenting horror was the name of the game for old-timey ad firms. See what we're talking about in 8 Vintage Ads Ripped Directly From Your Nightmares and The 13 Most Disturbing Vintage Ads For Household Products.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The 4 Most Insulting TV Ads You See Every Christmas, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also, follow us on Facebook. Or don't. It's whatevsies. (But please do.)

To turn on reply notifications, click here

318 Comments

Load Comments