Red Mocho Kooler: The Venture Bros.
This drink entered my life in the Season 3 episode "ORB" of The Venture Bros. I was initially inspired by everyone recommending the Kooler on Facebook, Twitter, and the Cracked comments section, and I knew I had to try it. I figured everyone wanted an honest review of a delicious and popular cocktail. It wasn't until I tried that first sip that I realized all those people were fucking with me and wanted to see me suffer. You dicks.
Dash of red Kool-Aid
On paper, this seems like a good combo! Since it was such a highly recommended drink, I really wanted to make sure I did it justice. I found a transcript of the audio commentary for this episode on the Venture Bros. blog, where the creators explain that the proper way to make the Kooler is to add Kahlua and so much chocolate syrup that it's "thick and almost undrinkable." So I did just that. I filled about half the glass with coffee liqueur and then started piling on the syrup. You can see it start to pool at the top of the glass.
I gave the drink a sip sans-Kool-Aid first to see how it tasted. It was actually really good, but far too rich to drink too much of. I was sure I had the right consistency when I put the straw in and found that, instead of falling to the side of the glass like a normal straw, it stood fully erect.
Me too, man.
Finally, I added my sprinkling of red Kool-Aid to the top. Like the syrup, it kind of just floated there, with nothing to do except sit atop its chocolaty tower.
I don't ever read my horoscope, but I'll bet the day I made this monstrosity, it said something along the lines of "No good can come of that drink, Erik, you idiot." I'm starting to think that cartoon character didn't actually try this drink, because there's no way he would realistically be able to keep any of it down. First of all, it's thick, like trying to suck a soft piece of Laffy Taffy through a straw. Since the straw itself was about as useful as Kool-Aid in chocolate sauce, I threw it in the garbage where it belonged and prepared to drink it the old-fashioned way. If you like chocolate and also getting diabetes, you might enjoy this drink. You also might get a quick glimpse of the cherry as you're drinking, but overall, expect to be full-on molested by chocolate. I didn't like what this drink did to me or how it made me feel about my decisions in life, so I ended up dumping most of it. After a brief chocolate coma, I moved onto the final drink.
One Of Everything: The Office
Did you ever go to a fast food place as a kid and fill up your cup with every soda they had on tap? Maybe you'd drink some to impress a girl, but she ended up telling everyone you were gross? Anyway, while this drink from The Office might bring back some troubling memories from childhood, it also seemed like a great way to end the night. Michael Scott whips up a One Of Everything in the episode "Moroccan Christmas" to give to Meredith, which gets her so drunk she ends up flashing him. With that kind of bar being set, I prepared for the worst and got myself ready to inevitably show off my tots.
Two packs of Splenda
I poured every liquor out into its own shot glass and dumped the whole thing into a glass. If you looked in from the side, you could see the thicker liquors swirling around the glass, daring you to take a sip. After all six liquors were present and accounted for, I added the two packs of Splenda.
The Splenda ended up sinking to the bottom of the glass, necessitating a rigorous stir before it disappeared.
By this time of night, it could have been salt from my tears.
It turns out it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't mix the Splenda, because it didn't end up doing much of anything. I certainly couldn't taste it, or the Scotch or triple sec or even the goddamn gin. The licorice tastes of the absinthe and the vermouth overpowered everything else, making this cocktail kind of like drinking a black Twizzler. That's not to say it was bad by any means, just strong and a lot thicker than I would have imagined. I sipped on this concoction for a little while before passing out and spilling it into a house plant. I woke up soon after to find the plant dead and my body in absolute agony. Feeling like complete garbage, I checked my phone to find I didn't take any topless pictures of myself, so at least I'm responsible garbage.
Look, I know I say this same thing every day at 2:38 in the morning, but I'm never drinking again. Something about discovering a toilet full of Tang-colored vomit was enough to convince me that foolish people should not be allowed anywhere near alcohol. Or maybe just me. I should not be allowed anywhere near alcohol.
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