5

Lawnmower: The Simpsons

Erik Germ

4

Jum And Tonic: Scrubs

Erik Germ

3

Peppermint Patty: Archer

Erik Germ

In the Archer episode "The Archer Sanction," Sterling Archer offers a nice, hot cup of Peppermint Patty to his team while they're driving up a snowy mountain road in the winter. So, clearly, the best time to test this cocktail is just before summertime, when hot drinks are all anyone can talk about. Still, Peppermint Patties are kind of tasty when there's no other candy available in the house, so I wasn't against trying this one out of season.

The Drink

YouTube

Ingredients
Hot cocoa
Creme de cacao
Creme de menthe
Peppermint schnapps

Sporting my finest Garfield mug, I made myself a nice warm cup of candy cane flavored cocoa, since it was the only kind we had in the house. It tasted just as good as it did when I bought it at Christmas, so the first ingredient was present and accounted for. Next, I combined the menthe, cacao, and peppermint liqueurs into the glass in equal parts, probably.

Erik Germ
As Garfield would say, "What-the-fuck-ever."

I've got to say, this drink is a home run. Keep this one out of your kid's reach, because if you didn't know the alcohol was in there, you'd find yourself pleasantly but surprisingly smashed. Not only is it creamy and delicious, it tastes exactly like a York Peppermint Pattie. I even gave each of these ingredients a sniff to see which one was responsible, and none of them smell or taste like the candy by themselves. Like some kind of chocolaty, alcoholic Voltron, all the parts needed to come together to get it to its final form. After downing the entire thing in a triumphant gulp, I figured I should keep the chocolate train going with another dessert cocktail.

2

Red Mocho Kooler: The Venture Bros.

Erik Germ

This drink entered my life in the Season 3 episode "ORB" of The Venture Bros. I was initially inspired by everyone recommending the Kooler on Facebook, Twitter, and the Cracked comments section, and I knew I had to try it. I figured everyone wanted an honest review of a delicious and popular cocktail. It wasn't until I tried that first sip that I realized all those people were fucking with me and wanted to see me suffer. You dicks.

The Drink

venturebrosblog.com

Ingredients
Kahlua
Hershey's syrup
Dash of red Kool-Aid

On paper, this seems like a good combo! Since it was such a highly recommended drink, I really wanted to make sure I did it justice. I found a transcript of the audio commentary for this episode on the Venture Bros. blog, where the creators explain that the proper way to make the Kooler is to add Kahlua and so much chocolate syrup that it's "thick and almost undrinkable." So I did just that. I filled about half the glass with coffee liqueur and then started piling on the syrup. You can see it start to pool at the top of the glass.

Erik Germ

I gave the drink a sip sans-Kool-Aid first to see how it tasted. It was actually really good, but far too rich to drink too much of. I was sure I had the right consistency when I put the straw in and found that, instead of falling to the side of the glass like a normal straw, it stood fully erect.

Erik Germ
Me too, man.

Finally, I added my sprinkling of red Kool-Aid to the top. Like the syrup, it kind of just floated there, with nothing to do except sit atop its chocolaty tower.

Erik Germ

I don't ever read my horoscope, but I'll bet the day I made this monstrosity, it said something along the lines of "No good can come of that drink, Erik, you idiot." I'm starting to think that cartoon character didn't actually try this drink, because there's no way he would realistically be able to keep any of it down. First of all, it's thick, like trying to suck a soft piece of Laffy Taffy through a straw. Since the straw itself was about as useful as Kool-Aid in chocolate sauce, I threw it in the garbage where it belonged and prepared to drink it the old-fashioned way. If you like chocolate and also getting diabetes, you might enjoy this drink. You also might get a quick glimpse of the cherry as you're drinking, but overall, expect to be full-on molested by chocolate. I didn't like what this drink did to me or how it made me feel about my decisions in life, so I ended up dumping most of it. After a brief chocolate coma, I moved onto the final drink.

1

One Of Everything: The Office

Erik Germ

Did you ever go to a fast food place as a kid and fill up your cup with every soda they had on tap? Maybe you'd drink some to impress a girl, but she ended up telling everyone you were gross? Anyway, while this drink from The Office might bring back some troubling memories from childhood, it also seemed like a great way to end the night. Michael Scott whips up a One Of Everything in the episode "Moroccan Christmas" to give to Meredith, which gets her so drunk she ends up flashing him. With that kind of bar being set, I prepared for the worst and got myself ready to inevitably show off my tots.

The Drink

YouTube

Ingredients
Scotch
Absinthe
Rum
Gin
Vermouth
Triple sec
Two packs of Splenda

Erik Germ

I poured every liquor out into its own shot glass and dumped the whole thing into a glass. If you looked in from the side, you could see the thicker liquors swirling around the glass, daring you to take a sip. After all six liquors were present and accounted for, I added the two packs of Splenda.

Erik Germ

The Splenda ended up sinking to the bottom of the glass, necessitating a rigorous stir before it disappeared.

Erik Germ
By this time of night, it could have been salt from my tears.

It turns out it wouldn't have mattered if I didn't mix the Splenda, because it didn't end up doing much of anything. I certainly couldn't taste it, or the Scotch or triple sec or even the goddamn gin. The licorice tastes of the absinthe and the vermouth overpowered everything else, making this cocktail kind of like drinking a black Twizzler. That's not to say it was bad by any means, just strong and a lot thicker than I would have imagined. I sipped on this concoction for a little while before passing out and spilling it into a house plant. I woke up soon after to find the plant dead and my body in absolute agony. Feeling like complete garbage, I checked my phone to find I didn't take any topless pictures of myself, so at least I'm responsible garbage.

Look, I know I say this same thing every day at 2:38 in the morning, but I'm never drinking again. Something about discovering a toilet full of Tang-colored vomit was enough to convince me that foolish people should not be allowed anywhere near alcohol. Or maybe just me. I should not be allowed anywhere near alcohol.

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Find out how to turn your drinking into greatness like George Washington did in The 5 Most Important Things Ever Done While Black-Out Drunk, and check out how Nikita Khrushchev ended the Cold War by being plastered in The 5 Most Inspiring Things Ever Accomplished (While Drunk).

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